The clock on the wall shows the time. It's barely 8:25 in the morning and Donghae only has less than 16 hours before his time runs out. Luckily for today he has no schedule; not with the group either except from the usual meeting for their next album promotion.
The thoughts of the next album strikes a sad chord in his heart. How is the rest going to promote without him? How is his fans; the ELF will react after the finding out about his death? God, this is too much. So painful and too much but when Donghae thinks about it, maybe this is the best decision so far. At least if he's given less than 24 hours to spend his last time on Earth rather than dying cold on his bathroom's tile last night, the first option is far more better. He could prepare himself well.
Yet the thought of him actually being here temporarily before passing through the next life gives him the chills and an overwhelming anguish. Never Donghae thoughts of the fact he will die so young. He's barely 34 years old and he has so many plans ahead for his future. Super Junior is doing so well despite their long run in the industry, everything is so perfect that he can't possibly see it turns to dust now with another member left—worst, dead. What will the members' reaction be? They all are going to be devastated.
The next album requires all of Donghae's attention since he's in charge of composing and writing half the songs. There's still few they haven't recorded yet and they couldn't possibly finished it all today. I''s impossible when Donghae tries to think of it.
On top of that, he hasn't even gotten married yet. He keeps telling his fans and public for so many times he will get married when he's 33 but now he's dead on 34? What an absurdity.
Marriage. Only one comes into his mind and that exact person is apparently calling him right now. He watches the screen displaying the name in bold white color with the person's picture in the background smiling brightly showing his pink perfect gummy. Donghae doesn't know where does this foreign sadness comes from when he has always been elated to receive a call from him.
Sliding his thumb on the screen, he put the phone close to his right ear. "Hey."
"Morning Hae.~~" Hyukjae's husky voice booming through his ear sending warm sensation spreading over Donghae's chest. The dull pain at the back of his head slowly subsides.
"Hey Hyukkie." He replies back with small smile lingering on his lips. They have always greeted each other with a morning call everyday without fail and it's Hyukjae's turn for the week. Donghae is glad because after what has happened last night, he couldn't possibly have a heart to call the older up.
"You're awake? Your voice sounds like you're up early." Hyukjae said as Donghae hears small rustle from the phone. Hyukjae must be in the bed right now. The thought of his dear boyfriend still snuggling up in his blanket wearing pajamas make Donghae blushing.
He gets up from the couch heading to the kitchen counter. "Yeah I'm awake a bit early today." More like awake after hours spending time with an angel of death. He takes the water bottle on the table and chugs it down his dry throat. He hears more rustling from the other side of the line. "Are you still in bed?"
"Yeah. It's really hard to leave my warm bed. I'm sleepy.~" Donghae chuckles warmly at the whining his Hyukjae is making.
"Then sleep more. We got no schedules for today."
"Well, I was just thinking of that but...." Donghae waits as Hyukjae puts a pause suddenly. Then a chuckle comes up. "I don't want to sleep alone. Come over now. I want to hug you."
Donghae blushes as another round of laughter erupts, making Hyukjae on the other line laughing as well. He can do just that, coming over to Hyukjae's—not exactly a problem, they know each other's password, throw himself on his bed and cuddle with him to sleep since it's way too early in the morning.
But Donghae can't. As much as he wants that, he can't. There's just so many things he wants to do for today. Too many things to be settled so he won't have any regret passing through the next world nor regretting anything. His smile falls down as reality crushing on him harshly. He doesn't even notice Hyukjae's concern voice calling for him.
"Hae? Are you there?" Hyukjae sounds so sweet and warm, his voice is an absolute melody to Donghae. But he couldn't give in. Not yet. He does plan to spend half the day with the older but after he has settled everything properly.
"Yeah I'm here. Hyukkie, I'm sorry but I can't come." He's already walking through the front door though, grabbing his car key, wallet and jacket. "I'm heading to Mokpo."
"Now?" Hyukjae is surprised. His voice rises one notch up in confusion and shocked. "But why? Did something happen?"
"No it's nothing. Just ......." How can he say it, how to put it into words when it can't possibly be put into one? Donghae can't just drop the bomb saying he's dying and running out of time. He'll scare Hyukjae off, that's the last thing he ever wanted. "I—I'm going to see my dad."
"All of a sudden?" Rustling from the other side is heard and Donghae is already putting on his shoes and thick jacket. "Is everything alright? Should I come with you?"
"No, it's okay." His heart feels heavy when the rustling intensified. Hyukjae is probably so surprised and already standing by the bed, frowning in concern over his weird behavior. Well, who would suddenly go on a trip in the early morning without even a plan? Not that Donghae could have seen this day to come though. "I will be alright by myself."
"Are you sure? We all know you can't drive on your own. You'll get lonely." Donghae chuckles at Hyukjae's sarcastic remarks, the calming melodious tone returns, giving him comfort. But it doesn't last long when Hyukjae is calling him out again with worried voice. "When will you get back?"
"Before lunch hopefully. I will go to see mom after that."
Hyukjae is in silence and Donghae is sort of grateful for that as he's entering the elevator heading to the parking lot. He brings no backpack with him unlike his nature to bring something while on travel. But today is different. He can't afford any stop-by or anything. it's set; he will drive 2 hours long to Mokpo, go to see his dad then drive back another 2 hours to Seoul to his mother's house. While on journey, maybe he can have a phone call with any of his friends or members asking how they are doing and stuff. That's the least he could do for today. Although the thought he won't be seeing any of them again kind off hurts him terribly.
Will anybody be missing him when he's gone? That's what been playing in his mind along with other thoughts.
"Well that's good to hear." Hyukjae said. "Just be careful okay? Text me once you've reached Mokpo. Make sure to wear seatbelt! No rushing. Drive safely Hae."
"I will." Donghae has reached the parking basement and walking to his car waiting at the spot. Hyukjae is such a mom sometimes. "By the way Hyukkie, do you think everyone is available for lunch? Or maybe dinner?"
Hyukjae makes a humming sound while he's thinking. "I'm not sure. I think Teukkie hyung mentioned yesterday that Ryeowook and Kyuhyun had a schedule this morning until evening. Heechul hyung too. Why?"
"Oh." Donghae utters as he gets inside his car. Pulling the door to close, he thoughts on Hyukjae's words carefully. "I'm just wondering if all of us can have lunch or dinner together today."
"All of us? Well, that will be a bit hard you know. Siwon is in Indonesia, Zhoumi isn't here too and Henry is in Canada so are you sure all of us could make it?" Hyukjae sounds amused though the nostalgic in his voice can't be ignored by Donghae. He knows it's been so long since all of them have a chance to be together after everything. So Donghae is happy at least his boyfriend could empathize with him.
"Hmm I'm just wondering. If it's possible I want all of us to have a meal today."
"I'll ask Teukkie hyung about it. Don't worry, okay?" Hyukjae doesn't seem to be weirded out by Donghae's sudden request for dinner so it's a good sign. He smiles sadly with eyes on the street intently. The dull pain at the back of his head returns but bearable for him to continue on driving. "Thank you, Hyukkie."
Hyukjae chuckles warmly through the speaker by the stand. "Anytime Hae. Be careful. I miss you already."
"I miss you too." The call ended and Donghae's heart feels utterly heavy. If only he could tell Hyukjae.....
But he can't.
He sits by the grass, looking over the black tombstone. Heart heavy alike nothing before. But a small relief nagging behind his mind reminds him of a hope. He couldn't be sane enough to think like this before but today, everything just make sense.
Donghae is sitting right in front of his father's tombstone, a smile on his flawless face as he reads silently what's written on the stone. "Dad, is it possible for me to see you when my time has come?" His eyes reflect longing, anguish yet massive love for his deceased father. It's been years since Donghae has seen him, and now just maybe he can right? He doesn't even know if it's possible but if he could make a request, he wants to meet his father for the very last time so badly.
He misses him so much, and the thought that maybe he's waiting for Donghae at the other side warms yet pained his heart. He wants to meet his father, but he is afraid.
He is afraid of the ending.
Donghae has been sitting there for God knows how long before he eventually takes his leave. He walks down the hill to his car and while on his way, he is greeted with an old man sitting by the bench underhill. Donghae frozen in his stance, he swears there's nobody around and never been around here.
The man looks a bit frail, but he's wearing a neat brown-checkered suit. White strings of hair on his head showing his age without a knowing of his exact numbers. He is smiling at Donghae, "What a peaceful place right?"
Donghae's brows furrow in confusion but he doesn't want to be looked as rude so he forces a smile. "Y—Yeah. Very peaceful."
The man is still smiling as he sets his eyes on Donghae's brown one. Somehow, chills run down his spine at the look given to him. "It's good to feel at peace at such an old age like mine. Youngsters nowadays are too wrapped up in a stressful life. I hope at least once in their life, they find peace."
"After all, we all need peace to leave this world behind." His words ring a bell in Donghae's head but not an alarm of warning, but a sign. Wind starts to come out of nowhere, levitating those dried leaves off the ground to the air. The scene is beautiful, almost tranquil and deep marking his heart with unexpected hope. Donghae closes his eyes, enjoying the wind hitting his face softly as they play with his hair. Maybe he's wrong, there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of with dying. It's a happening nobody could prevent off, and coincidentally his time just has come earlier than expected.
All good things come with an end. His life has always been a blessing; meeting so many good people, achieving his dreams, feeling and accepting massive loves from everybody he loves dearly. What else he could ask for? He's so ungrateful, even God has given him time to appreciate those blessings so that's what he should do rather than weeping in fear.
He opens his eyes but not surprised to see the old man is gone. Even the bench looks emptier than before with no presence to grace upon is. He smiles, looking up to the clear sky above.
"Maybe, dying isn't so bad." He believes in that now.
Donghae reaches Seoul at 1PM. He texts Hyukjae saying he will spend some time with his mother for lunch so he can't go out to eat with the latter. Hyukjae understands him although Donghae knows the other has so many questions to ask him. But like always, Hyukjae never pressures on him so he let him go for now. Donghae even has time to make call to his friends while on his way back to Seoul. He has a face-time with Siwon and Henry, but Zhoumi is out of his reach sadly. Maybe the younger is busy, so Donghae settles on texting him. At least he got to reach him out.
His mom is thrilled to see him nonetheless. She looks happy as she's preparing so many dishes for lunch. Donghae's heart feels even heavier watching his mother talking happily to him. Anguish crashing on him like a wave on heavy storm, he blinks his eyes rapidly not wanting to tears to fall down. He can't make his mother worried now.
"Omma." He calls to her while they are having meals together with his brother Donghwa. Both of them look up to him. Donghae's heart swells with so many happiness, at least before he goes, he will keep their smiling faces in his heart. "I love you, omma~ Thank you for the meal." Thank you for everything, omma.
"Aigoo Hae, it's just a lunch. You're such a baby." They laugh along in delight, and Donghae wishes his mother and brother won't be so sad when he's gone later.
A sudden wish to be given more time dawned on him.
"Is this really necessary?" One of their managers Jung Hoon addresses Donghae with utter puzzlement, as the vocalist handing over a flash drive containing all of the future songs for Super Junior's albums. There are few that is finished, while others in need to be edited and others. It is supposed to be in Donghae's hands because apparently all of them is written and composed by him but now he's giving it to their manager including some lists of solos for the members.
Donghae smiles. "Please give it to Teukkie hyung for me."
"But why, Donghae? You're supposed to hold this. Aren't you making songs anymore?" Jung Hoon asks with so much confusion as he looks at the man with wide eyes. Donghae only smile sheepishly to him, one hand rubbing his nape awkwardly.
"Well, I can't exactly tell you why but can you please hyung make sure Teukkie hyung got it? But don't give it to him today. Maybe tomorrow or the day after."
Jung Hoon snickers playfully. "Why? Are you making a prank on them about you leaving the group or something? Come on, the joke is quite too old already." He playfully nudges him as they are both standing in the middle of the hall in SM building. Donghae just has to ask him to meet him here on his off day when they could have settled for a coffee somewhere.
Both of them start to laugh but Jung Hoon's died down a tone when he notices something isn't right with Donghae. Somehow, his joke seems like it could really happen. Oh God, "Hae, you're not going to do anything stupid right?"
Donghae's face is bright with smile but his eyes tell a different story. Like he's hiding something, but that's impossible. The man is an open book. He hates keeping secret nor faking emotion. Now he looks so happy thus at least Jung Hoon doesn't need to worry if he's sad right? He's laughing like a mad hyena alike the usual days. "What are you talking about, hyung? I'm fine! I won't do anything stupid. Trust me."
Well, not like Jung Hoon could do anything other than believing him right? But he won't let this pass easily though.
"But hyung really, please make sure you give it to Teukkie hyung tomorrow okay?" Jung Hoon sighs. "I will, Donghae." The latter's smile is the last thing he sees before Donghae walks away from the building. Nobody knows it's his last return here ever.
Right when the door is opened, he literally throws himself to the man standing by the bedroom's frame. Hyukjae is one minute away from making Donghae's head slammed right through his door if it isn't because of his fast reflex to catch him. The impact almost tumble both of them to the floor.
"Hae!" Hyukjae said. "You almost give me a heart attack! Why are you jumping on me?!" He hears loud hearty laughter filling the air with Hyukjae's arms still holding on Donghae's body tight.
"Hyukkie! I miss you!" Donghae's childish remarks make him smiling ear to ear. Hyukjae pushes him slightly to break the hug so he can face the younger properly. Only then Hyukjae realized the casual clothes Donghae is wearing. Blue denim skinny jeans, white baggy shirt he got from TEMPUS months earlier—Hyukjae has the same pair for himself—and a black cap covering his hair. Hyukjae removes them, he can't see his face well with the cap in his way. Donghae's bright smile greets him.
Hyukjae's heart skips a beat though he covers them up perfectly. "Please tell me you are not high on sugar."
Another hearty laughter. "No I'm not. I just miss you."
"Well, I guess now you can un-miss me since I'm here." Hyukjae winks. "And why are you knocking on my bedroom's door? You can just come in."
Donghae plants a chaste kiss on his cheek before he beams at Hyukjae in his arm-length. "I don't want to walk in watching you naked."
Hyukjae scoffs. "As if you've never seen me naked before." Donghae laughs again and the sound is an absolute heaven in Hyukjae's ears. He pulls the younger for another hug, tighter than the previous one as he sniffs on Donghae's scent. "Is there something you're not telling me, Hae?" He asks with muffled sound, Hyukjae's mouth is covered by Donghae's neck. A negative hum comes from the younger.
"Nope. Everything is good." He said while planting soft kisses on Hyukjae's neck. The hug is tighten by Donghae, he rests his cheek on Hyukjae's shoulder. "I really miss you, Hyukkie."
"Me too." They lost track of time having each other's in their arms. But Hyukjae knows they have to leave. Both of them are dressed up for the dinner. "Come on, everyone is waiting for us." The hug is finally broken and they move past the room for the door.
Donghae's eyes light up. "Everyone?" He sounds like a child and Hukjae almost feels sorry to disappoint him.
"Not everyone in everyone. Only us, Teukkie hyung, Heechul hyung, Shindong hyung, Yesung hyung, Kangin hyung ......" Hyukjae's fingers counted the people. "Ryeowook said he will make it but he'll be late. Kyuhyun too and I'm not sure about Siwon but he said he will come."
"Wait, is that possible? He's in Indonesia." Donghae watches Hyukjae putting on his shoes. He is lucky the older is not facing him because his hand now slowly grabs onto the back of his head. It's throbbing again and Donghae looks down to his wrist for the time. It's almost 7PM. I still have time, right?
"Actually....." Now Hyukjae is facing him, no longer smiling but truly frowning in worries. Donghae gulps down nervously knowing this won't be pretty. "Siwon called me this afternoon. He said you're acting a bit weird. And I think the same things too." A hand caressing his hair, pulling them back to his ear as Hyukjae looks so worried. "Are you alright, Hae? What's bothering you?"
"Nothing." It's half the truth, Hyukjae. I'm okay, I'm just worried if I can't make it on time. "I just thought a dinner together is a good idea. It's been so long since we all got together right?"
Hyukjae stays in silence, his eyes boring hole in Donghae's. The latter doesn't look like he's lying but the restlessness in his gestures, his fears in his eyes, the slight pale of his skin alike the usual, it's worrying him out. But Donghae just won't tell him and that's what so peculiar to Hyukjae because Donghae always tells him everything.
So what could be so big until he won't tell him now? "Okay." Hyukjae let it got his time. "But you know we're not done yet right?" He warns the younger but of course it's not working. Donghae will never be threatened by Hyukjae's lame effort of threatening him. He only smiles brightly. "Okay Hyukkie~~" Hyukjae smiles before pecking him on the lips.
"Come on, we're getting late. Shindong hyung texted me earlier he said he's almost there." And both of them walk out from Hyukjae's apartment, walking side by side to the lift for the parking lot. Donghae is telling him on what he's been up to this entire day but of course the younger left out his meeting with their manager. They keep on talking about anything and everything until they got into Hyukjae's car.
It's already 7PM but Donghae's head is throbbing with the same dull pain. But of course, Hyukjae couldn't know about it. Donghae won't possibly tell the older how at one point, he's hearing a faint voice calling for him too.
It's almost time, isn't it?