"Suicides!" called the coach as we finished our last drill of the night.
I smiled grimly to myself. Even though it could suck at times, there was something about running back and forth across a gym that was really rewarding. Plus it gave me a chance to show off my speed. I set my glove off to the side, then jogged to the line. I always tried to be on the end when we were doing suicides; it made tripping or running into someone else less likely. Wiping my hands across the bottom of my tennis shoes to give myself better traction, I shook my legs to loosen up the muscles and got my feet into a solid position to sprint from the beginning. Soon, Coach blew her whistle, and I took off, making sure to conserve my speed, but still stay ahead of the pack. I was really good at this. My dad had been making me do suicides for as long as I had been playing softball, which made me not only fast, but able to maintain my speed for a decent amount of time.
I finished way ahead of everyone else, using my hands to stop me from slamming into the opposite wall. Alyssa finished right after me, averting her eyes as she did so. I wasn't paying that much attention, even though I still felt guilty about how I'd hurt her. I was trying to give her the space she'd asked for. I watched as the rest of the girls finished running, unsurprised to see Madi finish dead last. She gave so little effort it was frankly astonishing that she was still on the team. She wasn't fast, her hitting was decent, and she seemed to be slacking. Maybe it was just the fact that open gyms weren't required, and she was only going to keep up appearances. Or maybe she just sucked and the coaches didn't want to kick her off because she was a senior.
I realized I was staring, so I shook it off and jogged towards the coaches, where we were huddling up to break before we all went home. Conveniently enough, I ended up opposite of Madi. She was sneering at me, and I rolled my eyes at her pettiness. She probably noticed my staring earlier and assumed that I was into her. As the straights do.
Because she's so incredibly eye catching, I thought, mentally puking at the thought. I was still dry heaving when Coach's voice snapped me out of my trance.
"Tryouts are in two weeks, over at the athletic complex. Underclassmen who don't drive can't ride with upperclassmen, but there will be a bus taking you guys there. They'll be after school, probably 3:15 to 4:30 on the tenth, eleventh, and twelfth. One of the days will be a scrimmage; we're not sure which yet. All days are required so we don't have to spread it out over a week."
At the mention of tryouts I froze. I was no longer dry heaving; my stomach was tight and I felt like I might actually throw up. It wasn't like I had anything to worry about, I knew I was practically guaranteed a spot on the team. But something official like a tryout made me incredibly, irrationally nervous. Which was something I associated with my dad, but it was partially my fault too. I hyped myself up too much, worried so much that my stomach ached constantly. Inevitably, when the time came everything turned out all right. Yet, that knowledge never stopped my stress.
"Stallions on three-- one, two, three-- STALLIONS!"
Ari, team captain she was, led the break. The rest of us joined in as we shouted our school's mascot, but my cheer was halfhearted at best. My stomach was starting to tie itself in knots once again. Now that we were officially done, I moved with the pack of girls to get water and leave. I trotted over to my bag and drank greedily from my water bottle. Since practice was over I didn't have to worry about drinking too much. And between resurfaced nerves and all the running, I was really thirsty.
Though I was rapidly downing water, it did almost nothing to push away my nerves. And getting into an argument was the last thing I needed.
Alas, Madi was never the one for tactfulness.
"Keep your eyes off me, dyke. I have a boyfriend."
I scoffed. "Trust me. You're not my type. And while that certainly is a shock, I'm sure he'll realize how toxic you are and drop you fast."
"You know, you still need to learn some respect. Be polite to your superiors," she snarled at me.
Mentally, I took a step back to analyze the stupidity of the statement she had just made.
"Bitch, what? I'm confused," I began, my voice dripping with sarcasm, "do you want me to be into you, or not? And yet again, you're the one who came to me. Your lazy ass could never be my superior. So don't tell me to learn respect until you start leaving me the fuck alone."
I turned on my heel, picked up my gear and left abruptly. Her bullshit had left me seething. She was my superior now, was she? I needed to learn respect? She needed to get the fuck out of my face and leave me alone. I'd done nothing to her. Why was she like this? Because I was gay?
Shaking my head disgustedly, I stormed out of the school and pushed open the double doors. What a fucked-up world this was. Why did people have to hate me, just because of who I dated? First my dad kicks me out, then I'm harassed by some hetero asshole for no reason. I was sick of it.
In my state of fury, I didn't notice that I was halfway across the parking lot in the wrong direction. Embarrassment was added to the churning mix of emotions in my stomach as I turned around and headed towards my truck. I looked around the parking lot. During my walk, it had cleared out substantially, with only a few parked cars remaining. I reached the truck and pulled open the passenger side door to throw my bag in. I was about to climb behind the wheel when I heard someone call out my name.
"Hey-- hey Soph! Wait!"
My heart leapt, distracting me from the ache as I dared to hope. I turned around slowly for fear that I was wrong.
But Ari was the one heading towards me, calling across the parking lot. I wanted to smile and wave, I was so happy. It was the first time she'd acknowledged me in twelve days, for God's sake. Instead, I scowled, leaning against the driver's side door. I was determined not to let her see how much I needed her, even though I desperately wanted to. I wanted to apologize, to beg for her forgiveness. Really, though, I hadn't really done anything to warrant an apology, at least not in my book. Ari was the one ignoring me just because she'd caught me kissing someone else.
I watched her approach me and decided to wait until she spoke first. She opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but paused. Her beautiful green eyes widened in concern as she took in my face.
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine."
"No you're not," she said, taking a step closer and grabbing my hand. "What's wrong?"
I shrugged, not wanting to pull my hand away from hers. "It's nothing. Just a stomach ache."
While it wasn't a total lie, it still felt like one, and by the way she was eyeing me I knew she saw right through me. But she didn't call me out on it.
"Let me help," she said simply, taking her free hand and placing it gently against my abdomen. Initially, I jumped at her touch, but then relaxed as she massaged slowly. I could feel the knots lessen, and I breathed easier. It was amazing the power she had to just calm me down so easily.
"Thanks."
She smiled without replying, and I wasn't going to prompt her. We stood in silence , the cool night air refreshingly crisp. My hand tingled in hers, and instinctively I wanted her to move closer, wanted the distance between us closed. I kept wanting, longing even, until the sound of her voice brought me out of my reverie.
"I'm sorry I've been ignoring you."
Of all the things she could've said, that took me by surprise. While I wanted her to forgive me, I didn't really think she was going to. She'd been ignoring me, but I was the one caught kissing another girl. Regardless of what I told myself, I blamed me for the situation we were in. Not her. Yet she came and apologized.
No matter how hard I tried to be angry at her, I just couldn't.
"It's ok--" I began soothingly.
"It's not ok," she interjected. "It's just," she took a deep breath.
"The mere idea of somebody else getting to have you," she began carefully, "stunned me, and-- and made me so angry that I could hardly speak."
I stepped closer, retaining her hand in mine. "Why?"
"Because..." She faltered.
While I desperately wanted to know what she was going to say, I managed to hold back my impatience. She seemed to struggle internally for a minute or so before speaking again.
"Because I've wanted you for so long."
Holy shit.
I tore my eyes away from hers in shock.
Was this just another dream?
Did she really just say that?
No way. No. She couldn't want me.
Could she?
"You want me?" I was breathless with disbelief and excitement.
She smiled, almost like she had known exactly what had gone through my head, and nodded. "More than I've wanted anything in my entire life."
I shook my head incredulously. "There's no way. I--I don't believe it," I finished lamely.
"Soph, look at me."
I raised my eyes from her hands, one resting against my stomach and one intertwined in mine, to meet her own. Though I was more than a little shocked by what she had said, I was still enthralled by the beauty of those magnificent emerald pools.
"Don't ever let your insecurities lie to you. Especially about how I feel. Let me tell you instead," she added.
I inclined my head slightly. "How do you feel?"
She paused. "I really care about you," she said honestly, staring into my eyes. My knees went weak at her words, and her fingers hooked themselves in my belt loops as a means of support. I noticed the night sky was reflecting itself in her gaze, the stars twinkling out at me as she watched me closely, analyzing my reaction.
"I thought you were straight," I mumbled, not entirely teasing.
She brought her lips close to mine, and my breath caught in my throat.
"I guess you could say I'm more of a switch hitter."
Fireworks exploded inside my chest as she kissed me, soft and gentle. My hands moved to her hips instinctively, pulling her as close as possible while she cupped my face. Warmth spread from her fingertips to my cheeks. Every worry, every stress, every bit of nerves melted away. She was healing me, slowly but surely, each time she held my hand, all the times she smiled as she passed me in the hallway, my feelings for her deepened. And it was making all the difference in my life.
After a blissful kiss that didn't feel nearly long enough, she pulled away, but kept her face close. My arms were wrapped around her waist, and hers around my neck.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," I murmured, and she laughed quietly.
"I think I do."
She continued to eye me, and I saw a glimmer of expectance there. I knew what she wanted from me.
I needed to tell her.
"Ari, I—" I began, then inhaled deeply yet again, attempting to clear a new knot of nerves out of my twisted-up stomach. There was nothing to be afraid of here, I reminded myself.
"I really care about you too."
She smiled hugely. "I didn't think you were going to say it back."
I laughed quietly. "I've had a lot of time to think about it. Especially in the last two weeks. And I've figured myself out," I finished vaguely.
Her smile grew even more, which I didn't think was possible, but she didn't reply. I took that as my cue to elaborate. But when I opened my mouth, no words came out, so I closed it again, thinking hard about what I wanted to say. What I'd told her wasn't a lie; I had figured myself out.
Somewhat.
I knew I was feeling something for Ari, something unfamiliar, both scary and exhilarating. But exactly how strong was it? And how could I describe it? My mouth was dry now, and I licked my lips nervously.
I shook my head determinedly.
You can do this.
"I like you, Ari."
As soon as the words left my mouth I was horrified at my resemblance to a desperate sixth grader with a crush. I bit my lip to try and stop myself from blushing, but thankfully Ari didn't laugh. She just kept smiling.
"I like you, Soph."
Our mouths met in the middle once more, and I couldn't help but smile against her lips.
"What?" she whispered, pulling back.
I tucked a stray hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear.
"You look so beautiful in the moonlight."
She rolled her eyes, blushing. "That was gonna be my line, dork."
"You snooze, you lose."
"Shut up." She punched me.
I smirked. "All you had to do was ask."
I kissed her again. I would never get used to how electric it felt to do that, and I loved it. Anna was going to kick my ass when I got home, since technically I was still grounded, but I wasn't worried about that. For the first time in a long time, I felt good. I felt like nothing could go wrong.
I felt happy.