ESA30
"Sorry, Cali. Can I borrow Chrysanthe for a while?"
Napatingin ako kay Daddy noong bigla siyang sumulpot sa tabi namin ni Cali. Narito pa rin kami sa garden. Everyone is still engaged in a nice talk, nabawasan na ang seryosong usapan mula kanina.
Paano nakawala 'tong si Daddy sa matatanda? Magkakasama na kasi sila pagkatapos namin ng dinner.
"Sure Tito!" Cali said.
"Why, Dad?" tanong ko habang naglalakad kami palabas ng hardin ng kanilang bahay.
Kumunot ang noo ko noong makarating kami sa receiving area at nakita kong nakaupo sa couch ang seryosong sekretarya ni Daddy na abala sa kanyang iPad. Kahit hindi tinawag ni Daddy ang kanyang atensyon, ay tila naramdaman niya kami kaya agad siyang tumayo. I look at him amazed. Wow!
"Good evening, Governor." bati niya.
Ang sipag naman nito! Gabi na pero nandito pa din.
"Maayos na ba?" tanong ni Daddy.
"Yes, Gov."
I grimaced. "Dad, trabaho pa din?"
Hindi ba pwedeng pahinga muna? I'm sure as hell he'll be super tired na starting tommorow!
He looked at me. "Tara."
I made a face and just follow him. Di man lang pinansin yung sinabi ko.
His secretary opened the double door so we could go out. Gabi na ngunit maliwanag naman dahil sa mga wall lights kaya kita pa rin ang labas. I saw a black sleek car in front of the mansion. Hindi naman iyon ang sinakyan namin kanina.
I look at Dad's secretary. Shala! Sa kanya ba iyon? O baka kay Daddy din.
Tumigil si Dad sa hindi kalayuan sa sasakyan. Nanatili naman sa gilid namin ang kanyang secretary.
"What do you think?" tanong saakin ni Dad.
I look at him puzzled. "Huh?"
"Of the car?"
Tumango siya. Kumunot ang noo ko. Why is he asking me? Hindi naman ako masusi at detail-oriented pagdating sa kotse. Ang mahalaga tumatakbo at may maayos na specs.
"It's nice. Anong tatak, Dad?"
"Mustang."
Tumango ako. It's quite expensive. Hindi man katulad noong mga luxury cars na talagang nakakalula ang presyo but still! It's pricey!
"New car mo?" tanong ko.
"Sayo."
Tumango ako muli.
"Ah." I said while I look at the car. I blinked repeatedly analyzing what I heard again.
Ano daw? Akin daw? Nanlaki ang mata ko.
I faced Dad, shocked and excited. "A-akin? Dad, akin?"
He chuckled at my reaction. Lumapit saamin ang sekretarya niya at may inabot kay Daddy. Kinuha naman iyon ni Daddy aat inabot din saakin.
"Welcome back."
My jaw dropped as I stared at the key he put in my hand. What the fuck?
"Seryoso ka ba, Dad?!" I exclaimed.
Tumawa siya. "Babawiin ko na ba?"
Agad kong tinikom ang aking kamay at tinago ang susi saaking likod.
"No!" I ran towards the car and stare at it closely.
Amazed ko itong inikutan. Oh my god! I have my own car! This is amazing!
"I just realized you're kinda used of having a car already in France, tapos dito wala ka." Dad said as he walked closer to me.
Mayroon kasi akong secondhand car na binili sa France. It was from my ipon with my allowances before pati na din iyong mga sahod ko dati bago ako umalis.
Agad kong kinain ang distansya namin at niyakap siya.
"Thank you!" I screamed as I hugged him more tightly.
"Pang-uto lang 'yan para di ka na umalis."
Tumawa ako at niluwagan ang yakap ko pero hindi ako humiwalay sa kanya. Just enough distance so that I could face him.
"Every month mo ba akong bibigyan ng pang-uto?" I teased.
Agad siyang sumimangot. "Ikaw ata ang ikahihirap ko."
Tumawa ako at humiwalay. "Kidding."
"Do you want to test it?" tanong niya.
Umiling ako at humikab. Inaantok na ako kanina pa pero medyo nawala na ngayon.
"Bukas na, Dad. Balik na tayo." I said clinging on his arm.
Saglit na nagpasalamat si Daddy sa kanyang sekretarya at nagpaalam naman ito na uuwi na. We walk again back to the garden.
"Pinahanda ko na yung guest room. You can rest now."
"Nakakahiya naman, Dad. Nandito pa sila eh." tanggi ko.
"They will understand. Kakagaling mo lang sa flight."
"Santh! Tito!"
Napatingin kami sa biglang tumawag saamin. We stopped to wait for Gali to come near us. Mukhang may gustong sabihin.
He was holding a bottle of wine. Mukhang galing sa kusina. He gaze at my arm clinging to Dad's. Mukhang hindi siya sanay na makita kaming ganito kaya naman inalis ko iyon.
"I know you just came back but I'm wondering..." he said stopping in front of us.
Napataas ang kilay ko. Oh! He wants to talk to me?
"Hmm?"
"Naghahanap kasi ng architect yung isa kong kaibigan... I just wanna know if I can suggest you?"
Nanlaki ang mata ko sa kanyang sinabi. The offer was tempting, however I just came back...
Actually, ngayon nakabalik na ako, pinag-iisipan ko na ring bumalik. Maybe I'll just take some rest for a while tapos maghahanap na ako ng kompanya or pwede din namang clients nalang ang hanapin ko.
"Ahm, pag-iisipan k－"
"Of course you can. Wala na siyang pagkakaabalahan ngayon eh..."
Agad akong lumingon kay Dad habang nanlalaki ang mga mata.
"Cool, Tito! Okay!" Gali said and point on the direction of the garden to sign us he'll go first.
"Dad!" tawag ko sa kanya at pinigilan siya sa pagsisimulang maglakad pa ulit.
"Why? Do you still wanna be a barista?" tanong niya.
I shook my head. "No! But still, kakauwi ko palang!"
Dad sighed and turn around so he could face me. Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong balikat upang matignan ako ng masinsinan.
"We need to leave something we used to so we can find a new one."
Napakurap ako dahil sinabi niya saakin ang sinagot ko kay Tito kanina.
"I asked you many times why you can't practice Architecture but you just smile every time. I got your vague answer today that I can't still understand. But whatever that means for you, Santh, I can see how you long for this..." he said letting me go and tapping my shoulder.
"You miss doing the things you're used to before. Why are you taking so long on going back?"
I sighed and nodded. The plan was to rest for a while and adjust a little. But maybe, Dad's right. It's long enough.
"Fine, Dad. You win."
Ngumisi siya.
"I always do."
Yabang! Pulitiko nga itong tatay ko! Magaling magsalita at mang-uto!
Dad proceeded with his siblings and their partners. Ako naman ay babalik sana kay Cali noong mapansin kong kausap niya si Tita Frida. Marahil ay lumapit ang mama niya kanina.
"Dear!" tawag ni Tita noong palayo na ako.
Wala akong nagawa kundi ang lumapit sa kanila. I smiled and sat beside them. Narito sila sa isang bilog na lamesa kung saan hiwalay sa kung saan kami kumain. Naroon kasi ang matatanda upang mag-usap, tanging si Gali lang ang bata doon. Ang iba ko namang pinsan ay lumipat sa balcony para mag inuman. At yung mas mga bata, I don't know maybe inside?
"Pagpasensyahan mo na si Kuya kanina huh?"
I smiled at Tita and wave my hand in the air.
"Ayos lang po iyon. I understand Tito..."
Tita smiled at me.
"You seem okay with your father now. No offense pero nagulat akong pinagtanggol ka ni Kuya Cris kanina."
"Ako din, Ma! Akala ko may away nanaman." Cali supported her mother.
Umiling ako habang natatawa-tawa. I know it's shocking lalo na sa kanilang hindi naman kami nakitang maayos ang pakikitungo sa isa't isa. Si Gali nga mukha gulat pa kanina nung tinawag kami.
It's just that we became close far from their eyes.
"We're okay, Tita. Dad often visits me in France and we stayed connected while he's here."
They looked surprised. Grabe! Di ba possible iyon sa kanilang palagay? Sabagay, dati rin naman ganon ang akala ko.
"It's very nice to hear that..." Tita said softly. Nakangiti namang tumango si Cali bilang pagsang-ayon sa kanyang ina.
"I don't see you frequently, Santh but I can see how much you changed. You seems glowing and happy now..." Tita said. "At nagkalaman ka huh!"
"Sexy!" Cali commented and I laughed.
"Maybe France did you something good." Tita said.
Tumango ako at ngumiti. Yes, it really did.
Luminga-linga ako sa paligid at iginuhit ang aking daliri sa coffee table. I made a line because of the dust it has.
"Akala ko susunod ka?" irita nitong tanong sa kabilang linya. Nakapatong sa couch ang aking cellphone habang naka loudspeaker.
"Nagpaalam ako sayo kahapon, Dad!" I argued.
It was past noon now and I am here in my old condo. Dad promised to keep it while I was gone. Pinapalinis niya din daw ito ngunit hindi ganon kadalas kaya may alikabok pa rin pero hindi naman iyon makapal.
"You did?"
"Yup, and you agreed!" I said.
"Why would I? It's the first day of the campaign!"
"Dad, nagka-amnesia ka ba? Ano? Inuntog ka ba nung asawa mo sa pader?"
"Chrysanthe!"
I laughed. For years of my low key bashing towards his wife, naging sanay na din siya at parang normal na bagay niya nalang na naririnig iyon saakin.
"I promise I'll be there the next time okay? Nasa condo na ako ngayon.."
"Dapat di ko na binigay yung kotse mo eh." he said to himself but loudly so I could hear.
I laughed. "Love you!"
He hissed.
"Bye, see you at home."
"Dad! Ayaw ko na sa bahay mo!" reklamo kong mabilis dahil baka ibaba niya agad.
Napabuntong-hininga ako noong patay na ang tawag. My god! Why does he wants me there? Kung uunahin ang safety naming lahat, dapat hindi niya kami pinagsasama ni Tita Dan. Kanina nga lang breakfast, kung nakakasunog lang ang tingin baka matagal na akong abo.
I sighed and walk towards my room. Binuksan ko iyon at agad akong sinalubong ng mga ala-ala. I smiled sadly. There is just plain white bedsheet in the bed. Naroon din ang dalawa kong plushies na regalo dati ni Rash at Theo. It looks the same just how I left it.
I opened my built-in-closet. Naroon pa rin ang mga damit na iniwan ko noon dahil hindi ko naman mailalagay lahat sa bagahe. My heart clenched tightly as I saw Hezekiah's neatly folded and arranged clothes. It was still here.
Hindi niya kinuha?
Hinaplos ko ang nasa pinakataas ng file ng t-shirts niya. I smiled sadly.
I know I need to talk to him. Kung ano man siya ngayon o kung gaano man nagbago ang lahat, buong puso ko iyong tatanggapin.
I was so afraid of losing him before, but now, I manage to move out of depending on him. Be proud of me, Heze, please?
I laughed a little. Doubt you will. You probably hate me now.
Naglinis ako ng kaunti at inilagay ang ilang groceries na binili ko sa ref at cabinet. I brought clothes so that I can change later pero nasa bahay pa rin ni Daddy ang maleta ko.
Siguro sa susunod ko nalang dadalahin. I changed my bedsheets, wipe off the dust everywhere I found it.
"Miss me?" bulong ko habang pinupunasan ko ang drafting table ko noon. Oh, I miss being in this exact position!
Nagwalis ako at nagmap pagkatapos magpunas. Nakakapagod pero natutuwa pa din ako dahil namiss kong maglinis ng condo ko! Sanay na naman akong maglinis nito dati pa. Ako din ang naglilinis ng apartment ko dati sa France, mas malaki iyon compared dito. It's actually a house that I am renting.
"Finally!" binagsak ko ang aking sarili sa couch. I'm tired!
I stretched my hand up and put my feet on the couch to fully lie on it.
My phone rang. Agad ko iyong inabot at nakita kong tumatawag si Iris.
I gave her my new phone number just a while ago. Sinagot ko agad iyon.
"Hey." Bati ko.
"Girl! Out na ako!"
Napaupo ako sa mula sa pagkakahiga dahil sa sinabi niya.
"Ha?"
"What? Are you still in Cavite?!" she exclaimed.
"No, nandito ako sa condo. But I'm still not preparing!" reklamo ko at agad akong tumayo para pumasok sa kwarto.
"Bilis na! I'll wait for you!"
"Okay. Okay. Baba ko na." I said.
"Bye!" masaya niyang paalam.
Hinagis ko lang sa kama ang cellphone ko at mabilis pumasok sa banyo. I took a quick shower before fixing myself.
I wore a maroon plaid crop top with it's terno mini skirt. Napangiti ako sa suot ko. I miss wearing something like this! Malamig kasi sa France kaya hindi pwedeng ganito lang. Hinayaan kong nakalugay ang wavy kong buhok. I put a light make up before I grab my sling bag.
Baka matagal nang naghihintay si Iris!
I check the location she sent before starting my car's engine. Napabuntong hininga ako noong malapit lang naman pala iyon.
Agad akong nakarating sa restaurant na tinutukoy ni Iris. It was a new restaurant but thanks to navigation apps, I can survive.
Tinulak ko ang pinto ng restaurant para makapasok. She wanted to go shopping but she insisted of eating first. I doubt it if we can still shop. Kapag nagsimula kami ng kwentuhan, baka ilang oras ang kainin.
"Santh!"
Napalingon ako sa direksyon ng boses ni Iris. A bit shy because she just announced my name but I don't have any choice since she already shouted.
Ngumiti ako.
But that smile only lasted for a second.
Hindi ko alam kung anong pwersa ba ang nagtulak saakin ngunit imbis na mahanap ko ang table kung nasaan si Iris ay iba ang natagpuan ng mata ko.
He was seated facing my direction. Eyes wide and lips a little parted. He looks very shock as I am.
Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko habang binabalik ang tingin ng kanyang mga abong mata. He looks...very fine. I'm happy to see that.
He was still with his normal corporate attire. His hair is just the same as how he always like it. He seems to have broader shoulders... his body looks a little leaner than before.
Mariin kong kinuyom ang aking kamay hanggang sa masaktan na ng aking kuko ang aking palad. I blinked and still saw his handsome face in front of me, his eyes drawn to me.
This Hezekiah... is really real.
Finally real.
Every day, I imagined how will it be if I met him again. And now... this won't give any justice to my imaginations.
Bumalik saakin ang mga ginawa ko. I left him with no single word. I left him when he thought we are just fine.
Parang pinipiga ang aking puso. What shall I do now?
"Santh!"
Wala akong nagawa kundi putulin ang tingin ko sa kanya upang lumingon sa direksyon ni Iris. I calmed myself and try to step with my weak legs. It felt like a jelly with just some minute of stare from him.
Lumapit ako sa direksyon ni Iris.
"Hi..." bati ko kay Iris noong makarating ako sa kanyang position.
"Welcome back! I missed you!" bati niya saakin at niyakap ako.
"Missed you too..." I said and hugged her.
Pinakawalan niya ako at hinayaan akong umupo sa harap niya. Pilit akong ngumiti. I don't think I can still function the same for today...
Iris seems not aware of Hezekiah's presence here. She's happily telling me stories as we order. Nagpatuloy iyon hanggang sa dumating ang aming pagkain.
I was listening to Iris' stories and answer to her sometimes too. I am disoriented. Hindi ko halos makakain dahil sa nararamdaman kong tingin niyang binibigay saakin. I reminded myself not to look past Iris because he's there.
He was with a woman. I don't know who is it because her back's facing me. Who could probably it? Girlfriend niya ba?
I felt a little pain in my heart but I am still happy for him. After everything that had passed, I fully accepted the change that I should expect. The only wish I had is no matter how painful the change could be for me, I hope he's happy.
Because he deserves it.
"Paano ka napilit ni Tito?" tanong saakin ni Iris.
I chewed my food closely and look at my plate.
"He requested for me to go home for the election." natatawa-tawa kong kwento.
I tried shifting my focus on different things. But his presence is really dominating my system now. Dagdag mo pa ang kanyang mga matang sumusulyap.
I felt sorry for Iris. Right now, I just wanna go out and be the farthest from this place.
Because I'm still not ready being here. Not any sooner.
May galit ba ang tadhana saakin? Kakabalik ko palang dinadala na agad ako kay Hezekiah.
"Comfort room lang, Iris." saad ko noong hindi ko na makayanan ang bigat ng aking pakiramdam.
"Hmm!" she nodded. Hindi makasagot dahil may lamang pagkain ang kanyang bibig.
I smiled and excuse myself.
Noong makarating ako sa banyo ay agad akong humarap sa salamin. I practiced my breathing exercise.
"Calm down, Chrysanthe Eve..." bulong ko saaking sarili.
Makikita mo naman talaga siya diba? You expected this. You know you need to talk to him. Pero hindi pa naman 'yon ngayon.
Napaaga lang ang pagkikita nyo.
Calm down.
You'll be fine.
Ilang minuto pa akong tumigil sa comfort room. I didn't do anything but to stare at the mirror and watch myself calm down.
Papalabas palang ako ay napatigil na ako noong makita ko siyang nakasandal sa pader. Tila may inaabangan.
His eyes immediately flew to me. I held my breath.
Tanga ka, Chrysanthe Eve! Why did you fucking go to the comfort room when you know this can happen?!
"It's really you..." pumukol ang kanyang malalamig na mata saakin.
I don't remember when is the time he gave me that...or maybe because he doesn't really give me that until now.
Mas lalo akong nanghina. Oh my god...
"You're back."
Humakbang ako papalapit. I know I can never escape this now. My legs feel numb. I think I'm gonna be needing support soon.
"H-hezekiah." I stuttered. Ngumiti ako ng pilit. "H-how are you?"
He glared at me and I gasped. We still had almost a meter apart but I feel like I'm losing a lot of air.
"You left..." his jaw clenched. "...and you asks that?" puno ng galit niyang tanong.
Napayuko ako. My heart is hurting so bad. If only it could cry blood, it already did. Kinuyom ko ang aking mga palad.
It's hurting me but I know I deserve this.
Hate me, Hezekiah... hate me all you want.
"I'm sorry," I said while looking down, still.
I heard him sneered.
"Tangina." malutong niyang mura.
I mustered up all my courage and look at him. Madiin ang pagkakakuyom ng kanyang kamao habang nakatingin pa rin saakin. His eyes are a mixture of anger, frustration, pain, and hate. I almost wanna beg.
I step closer to him.
"I'm sorry, Heze..." I said, taking a little more step closer. "I'm really sorry..."
The lower part of my eyes feels hot. Nagbabadya na ang aking luha na tumulo mula saaking mga mata.
I have so many things I wanted to say to him but I felt like my words had left me. I composed it all perfectly in my head, but it vanished now that he's in front of me.
"You..." I smiled sadly. "Y-you look good..."
I'm happy that you're well. That's what I prayed for every night before I sleep.
Napaatras ako noong bigla siyang umalis sa pagkakasandal at naglakad papalapit saakin. Para akong kinakapos ng hininga habang patuloy akong sinusunog ng nagbabaga niyang mga mata.
"Wala kang karapatang sabihin saakin 'yan." he said gritting his teeth.
I felt like I was struck with thousands of spears in my heart. I don't know that words can also kill someone...
"I hope you're satisfied with your fucking game..."
Mabilis akong umiling. Heze, no...
He stopped in the midway. His pair of beautiful orbs that once gave me warmth, happiness, and all the good feelings are blazing now like it was burning me so I could just dissolve into thin air.
He smirked before turning back. Agad akong napahawak saaking dibdib habang nag-uunahang tumulo ang aking mga luha.