ESA29
I know I failed people a lot.
I left the Philippines with only one person who knows about my plan. No goodbyes and no warnings, I planned it all smoothly.
Alam kong kasing hindi papayag si Hezekiah na makikipag-break nalang ako bigla. Alam ko din na kahit anong pilit ko siyang itaboy, wala akong magagawa.
It's never an easy decision to leave. I don't think he deserves someone like me who can only offer him less than what he deserves.
He needs a love that is pure and wholehearted. Certainly, I can't give him that because I myself, lacks love.
Sabi ko noon, mamahalin ko ang sarili ko sa pamamagitan ng pagpili kong gumising araw-araw na akin siya. I never realized how selfish I became just because of that choice. My days were very happy because of him. His days are very hard because of me.
Pero hindi ko man lang naisip tanungin siya at kamustahin. I just flavored my mind with reasons that are unfair to him. Because I am happy.
I continuously depend on him without wondering who he depends on. Hindi ko naisip na unti-unti kong kinukuha sa kanya yung buhay niya. That he was protecting me for so long and while doing that, he's destroying himself.
When I finally realized that, I know I need to set him free. Because I might be the toxic that will ruin him. At the same time, I also realized that I need to learn not to depend my life on other people too.
Because that is the reason why I break them and why it breaks me too.
I am broken with too many sharp edges.
I need to learn to be alone, choose to love self truthfully, and understand why such kind of things needs to happen in my life. I finally understood that I need to love myself first before I offer love to someone else.
So that my love won't be selfish, but wholesome and pure.
Whatever happens now, I know I did my best to better. No matter what this life brings me, I need to accept it as the price of my decisions.
Because I will never regret choosing myself first.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you to Ninoy Aquino International Airport in Manila where the local time is thirty minutes past three in the afternoon. For your safety, you are requested to keep your seat belt fastened until the seat belt sign is turned off. Please ensure that you take all your personal belongings with you before leaving the aircraft. Thank you."
I sighed deeply. I felt like time was chasing me. It's passing too much faster than I expect.
Fuck. Nasa Pilipinas na nga ba talaga ulit ako?
Kumilos ako ng tuliro at wala sa sarili dahil sa aking kaba. I feel like I wanna go back to France in instant.
But when I felt the usual hot feeling of the air, kissing my skin, it felt very familiar like I am supposed to be here always. This will always be home huh?
"Welcome back." agad na salubong saakin ni Daddy noong nakita ko siya kasama ang dalawa niyang bodyguard.
It was a very unusual sight because, for two years, I was used to meeting him like a normal person wearing common clothes, with no securities around. Ngayon ko lang ulit naalalang hindi siya simpleng tao lamang.
"It felt weird that you're the one saying that," I said and hugged him tightly. "I missed you!"
"It felt nice to be the one saying that," he said and hugged me back.
I cling my arm to him as we went to his car. Kinuha ng isa sa bodyguards niya ang aking bagahe saakin bago kami maglakad kaya wala akong hinihila ngayon.
"Aren't we going to eat?" tanong ko at humikab.
I'm tired!
"I have a meeting to catch, sa opisina ka nalang kumain. Is it alright?"
Tumango nalang ako. I understand that he will always be the busiest one. Nagulat nga ako noong sinabi niyang susunduin niya ako. I know his schedule has been really tight these days because of his, of course, usual works and because the campaign period is just at the corner now.
Halos apat na buwan na din simula noong dumalaw siya saakin sa France. He became so persistent in wanting me back home.
Lahat na ng offer binigay niya saakin para mapauwi lang ako. Doon ko mas napatunayang ginamit niya lang na reason noon ang election para may dahilan siyang hatakin ako pauwi.
Hinubad ko ang aking coat noong makaramdaman ako ng init. Now, I really know I'm back. Shit, namiss ko ding magsuot ng sleeveless! Masyado kasing malamig sa France kaya hindi pwedeng ganon lang ang suot.
I fell asleep while we are in the car. Hindi ko na nakausap si Daddy dahil ramdam ko talaga ang pagod ko. Ginising nalang ako ni Daddy noong nasa kapitolyo na kami.
Nothing much had changed on it. Mayroon lang ako napansing kaunting improvement pero iyon pa rin naman.
"It's so hot," I complained.
Napansin ko ang pagsunod ng tingin ng halos lahat saamin. Panay din ang bati nila kay Daddy at kuryoso namang tingin ang binibigay saakin. Maybe they are wondering who I am. Kaunti lang kasi ang may alam na may naunang pamilya si Daddy. I don't know how it stayed hidden but who cares now, anyway?
Most people know he has three children. I'm his first child but they don't know about me.
"Good afternoon, Governor." bati ng lalaking sumalubong saamin.
I easily recognized him as Dad's secretary. Siya pa din hangggang ngayon. Mukhang napansin niya ang tingin ko sa kanya kaya bahagya siyang yumuko saakin at formal akong binati.
"Welcome back, Miss Santh."
Ngumiti ako at tumango. "Thanks."
He and Daddy discussed something about the meeting agenda, I think. Nakikinig ako pero lumalabas din iyon sa kabila kong tenga kaya wala rin akong naintindihan.
Noong makapasok kami sa opisina ni Daddy ay agad kong napansin ang pagkaing nakalagay na sa center table.
"Are you okay eating alone?" tanong ni Daddy.
I sat on the sofa in front of the food. Si Daddy naman ay nananatiling nakatayo habang nasa likod niya ang kanyang sekretarya.
"Yup." sagot ko.
"Do you want me to join you?" tanong niya.
"Governor, you're already minutes late for the meeting." paalala ng kanyang sekretarya.
I raised my brow on my father who's not liking what his secretary had said.
"I'll be fine here. Alis na, Dad."
He frowned at my choice of word. I laughed and just motioned my hands to the door, silently telling him to go to his meeting.
"Babalik ako mamaya." he said.
"Babalik din akong France mamaya." asar ko sa kanya.
"Joke!" mabilis kong bawi noong bumaling siya ng may masamang tingin.
I was laughing even though they already went out and the door was already closed.
Iris:
Seryoso ba?!
I chewed my food before holding my phone again. I just informed her that I am already back home.
Ako:
Oo nga hahaha
Bibitawan ko ulit sana upang magpatuloy sa pagkain noong makatanggap nanaman ako ng bagong message.
Ang bilis huh?
Iris:
Nasaan ka?
I typed a response again.
Ako:
Cavite now pero babalik din akong Manila to check my condo. Not sure when though.
Binaba ko iyon upang mag focus sa pagkain kahit umilaw na ulit ang cellphone ko. I only pick it up after I was done eating.
Iris:
Saan sa Cavite?
Iris:
Huy!
Iris:
Magreply ka! Let's meet.
I smiled and shook my head.
Ako:
I'm with my Dad. Bukas nalang.
It feels like she's really waiting for me to reply because her message came again after seconds of sending mine!
Iris:
Okay, g ka ba sa Manila? May work ako :((
Nag-isip ako. Maybe I'll just visit my condo tomorrow too? Magpapaalam nalang ako kay Daddy mamaya.
Ako:
Of course!
Iris:
Pasalubong ko ah!
I giggled. We continued talking just through telegram before she said goodbye because she'll be driving. Pauwi na daw kasi siya.
I instantly got bored because I don't have anything to do so I stood up and look around. I scanned Dad's office. Halos ganon pa din iyon katulad ng dati. Sabagay, hindi naman ganoon kahabang panahon ang dalawang taon para halos lahat ay magbago.
Napatigil ako sa pag ikot noong matapat ako sa kanyang table. I saw an unfamiliar shelve that wasn't there before. Mukhang nadagdag ito.
Tatlo iyong black wood floating shelves na naka dikit lamang sa wall sa kaliwang gilid ng table ni Daddy.
It contains pictures.
Nilagpasan ko ang kanyang table at dumiretso doon. I saw their complete family picture with his family and with the extended family, iyong kasama ang pamilya ng kaniyang mga kapatid. It was both on the first shelve.
Sa pangalawa naman ay ang litrato nila Dane, Pete at Sin, his children with Tita Danice. Beside it was Dad and Tita Dan's picture.
My eyes drifted on the last shelve. Napanguso ako habang pinipigilan ang aking ngiti. My heart felt warm. Tatlong picture frames iyon. Dalawa kung saan magkasama kami. The first one was on our first New Year in France. We still look awkward and very formal. Nakakatawa. The second one looks different because I was already clinging to him while our background is the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Iyon yung bumisita siya noong birthday ko. The last one was my solo shot.
I sat on Dad's swivel chair after admiring the pictures that were displayed. Doon na ako nagpalipas ng oras hanggang sa bumukas ng pinto at pumasok si Daddy. His forehead creased as he saw the empty couch where he left me.
Ngumiti ako noong bumaling siya saakin. He raised his brow on me but I can see the relief on his face. What? Akala niya ba aalis ako?
"What's up, Governor?" he asked me as he walked towards me.
"Boring," I said.
He put down some papers in the table and sat in front of me. Natawa ako. Parang baliktad ata?
"You'll go home with me."
Nanlaki ang mata ko at tinuro ang sarili ko. Hindi makapaniwala sa narinig.
"Me?" paglilinaw ko.
Tumaas ang lang ang kilay niya bilang sagot.
"Dad, your wife will just burn me alive there."
I was constantly stealing him from them these past two years. Siguradong ang galit niya noon bago ako umalis ay mas malala na ngayon.
"The whole family's there."
Nagulat ako dahil sa sinabi niya bago nag-isip. Is it someone's birthday?
"Sinong may birthday?" tanong ko.
He shortly laughed and shook his head.
"Campaign period na bukas. It's just a..."
"Celebration?" tanong ko dahil ang tagal niyang sundan. Mukhang nag-iisip din siya kung ano bang tamang sabihin.
He frowned.
"Just dinner."
I laughed and shook my head. Wala na akong nagawa kundi sumama sa kanya sa kanilang bahay. I don't know if our family knows about me being with Dad. I don't know if Dad's sharing things with them.
"Dad, pupunta akong Manila tom." paalam ko pagkababa naming dalawa sa kotse at naglalakad na papunta sa double door na main entrance ng kanilang bahay.
"Okay." saad niya na parang walang pakealam. He was busy with his phone.
See! Kung totoong gusto niya lang akong umuwi para sa election, hindi siya ganyan kabilis pumayag.
"Good evening, Gov." bati ng batang kasambahay na sumalubong saamin. Her eyes flew curiously on me.
"Nasa garden po sila." sunod na saad nito.
Dad put his phone on his hand and nodded.
"Gov ka pa din hanggang dito, Dad?"
It's weird... parang kakabit na ng buhay niya ang titulong iyon.
"Sila naman ang tumatawag non. I didn't tell them so."
"You shall make them call you Sir so you'd feel a little normal," I suggested. Sinusundan ko lang ang yapak niya. Ramdam ko din sa likod namin ang maid na nagbukas samin ng pinto.
Nanliit ang mata niya. "Am I not normal to you?"
"Medyo?"
"Chrysanthe!"
I smiled teasingly. Ngunit hindi na ako nagsalita noong napansin ko na nasa garden na kami. Rinig ko ang ingay nila habang papalapit kami. I finally saw them all, looking very formal as they always are in their dresses and suits.
Bigla tuloy akong nahiya dahil oversized shirt lang ako na nakatucked in sa ripped jeans ko. I didn't invest in my clothes because I was wearing my coat when I arrived.
"Nandito na si Gov!" One of my cousins said loudly and cheerfully.
Her eyes widen as she saw me behind Dad. Noong lumingon ang lahat ay saglit silang natigilan. I awkwardly smiled.
Oh yeah, I'm the ghost member of this family.
"Santh?" Cali was the first to recover.
Naglakad na si Daddy papalapit kaya naman sumabay na ako.
"Hi!" bati ko.
"Oh my! Hi!" mabilis siyang tumayo sa kanyang upuan at nilapitan ako. Mabilis niya akong niyakap.
"Kamusta na? Ang tagal nating hindi nagkita! I should have gotten your number before!"
Tumawa ako at pinakawalan siya sa yakap. Medyo tahimik pa din ang palagid namin. What? Hindi ba nila nakakalimutan ang nangyari dati?
"Okay lang－"
"She just came home today from France, Cali." putol ni Daddy sa sasabihin ko sana.
I nodded to Cali. Agreeing with my father.
"I need another chair." I heard Dad requested.
"France? Vacation?" tanong ni Cali.
Alam kong halos lahat ay nakikinig.
"I lived there for two years." sagot ko.
Cali's mouth parted. I smiled at her. Kasama ko siya noong tuluyan akong lumapit sa lamesa upang batiin ang aking mga Tito at Tita.
"Hello po." I said.
"You look good Santh!" Tita Frida said.
Unti-unti nang bumabalik ang ingay.
"You too, Tita."
"Sa tabi ko, Ate!" Cali said when she saw the maid carrying another chair. "Tito, is it okay?" tanong niya naman kay Daddy na nasa kabisera na at nakaupo. Sa gilid niya ay ang tahimik lang na si Tita Dan, katabi ang mga anak.
She was watching me with coldness.
"Sure." Dad said.
Umupo ako sa tabi ni Cali. Gali greeted me as I sat and I did the same.
"Quick fact?" bulong saakin ni Cali.
Napatingin ako sa kanya.
"What?" tanong ko, nagpipigil ng ngiti.
I'm quite happy she's not uncomfortable with me even if we doesn't really meet often. Halos lahat kasi ng pinsan ko hindi ganon.
"You're still my fave cous even if you're always MIA." bulong niya.
Tumawa ako at lumapit din sa kanya para bumulong.
"Same."
Nagbubulungan lang kami sa pag uusap dahil abala ang mga matatanda at ilan naming pinsan sa pag-uusap sa mangyayaring eleksyon. I have two cousins running for councilor, tapos si Tito Fin naman ay tatakbong Mayor.
Kaunti lang ang kinain ko since busog pa naman ako. Nahihiya lang talaga akong hindi kumain.
"Saan ka sa France?"
"Marseille."
Cali nodded while chewing her food. Her amusement is still visible in her eyes.
"How was it? Did it feel nice to live in another country?"
Ngumiti ako. "Yeah..." tanging sagot ko.
Living in France is both painful and freeing. It's nice and hard.
"Nagulat ako. Of course, I was used to you not attending family gatherings but I thought you're just around! Nasa ibang bansa ka pala!"
Ngumiti ako at pinaglaruan ang baso saaking labi.
"Yeah, no one knows it."
"Kakadating mo lang talaga?"
Tumawa ako ng mahina dahil sa sunod-sunod niyang tanong. She's very curious!
"Oo, kaninang hapon lang."
Natapos ko nang kainin ang kaunting nilagay ko sa plato ko ay hindi pa rin siya tapos magtanong. I shared some of my stories with her because she seems really interested.
"Barista?!" Napalakas ang ang kanyang tinig kaya napalingon saamin ang mga kasama namin sa mahabang mesa.
"What about a barista, Cali?" Tita Frida's husband and Cali's Dad, Tito Leo asked.
"Nothing, Dad! We're just talking about Santh's life abroad! She's a barista!" She said feeling amazed at my choice of work.
Napatingin lahat ng mata saakin. Different from the amusement from Cali, my Titos and Titas seems not impressed about it. I saw Dad look at me while sipping on his wine.
I understand that they have a very high standard over the professions and work their children shall have. Being a barista may have not reach that, but it's still a dignified work.
"You're a barista, Chrysanthe?" Tito Pat broke the silence.
I put down the glass I was holding and sit properly. Kahit anong gawin ko, mukha pa rin akong outcast sa kanilang puro naka-dress at nakaayos. Baka nga mukha na akong haggard ngayon.
Grabe 'tong si Daddy! May jet lag pa 'ko sinalang na agad ako dito!
"Yes, Tito. I liked being one." I pretend to be calmed even if I'm really feeling intimated.
Tita Dan smiled. It's the first time I saw her smiled this night. Oh god, I feel like my blood's boiling again.
"Cris..." Tito Pat called Dad.
"She liked to be one." ulit ni Dad sa sinabi ko.
Kalmado lang itong nahiwa ng steak na nasa kanyang plato.
"I never thought you'll be okay for your children to have some low-class jobs! I know you give less attention to Santh but really? A barista?" strikto niyang saad.
Sa lahat ng myembro ng pamilyang ito, siya ang pinakakinakatakutan. He always uphold the family's virtues and class. Masakit mang marinig ang sinasabi niya pero naiintindihan ko naman.
But sometimes, we need to move out of that to breathe. For me, it's not just because I want it, but because it's necessary.
Dad stopped moving and sighed. Lumingon siya saakin. I smiled to tell him I'm okay and he doesn't need to defend me.
"You're right, I gave her less attention, Kuya and I can't do anything about it anymore. That's why I decided to be where she will be happy." Dad said calmly.
Ngumiti ako sa kanya. Oh, I really love him! Naramdaman ko ang pagpisil ni Cali saaking braso. Lumingon ako sa kanya at nakita kong parang kinikilig siya sa sinabi ni Dad. I smiled.
"I know, we want that too for the children. But we also want them to have a good life. A job that's not earning quite enough－"
"Don't worry about it, Kuya." putol ni Dad sa kapatid. "I trust her decisions. She managed to survive alone in a foreign country independently without even a single cent from me. I'm sure she'll be good."
Ngumuso ako at bahagyang nahiya. I mean, sila Tito at Tita kasi ang nakikinig! At tsaka parang nag-yayabang na si Daddy!
"She just really likes..." sumulyap saakin si Daddy at ngumiwi. "－doing unexpected things."
I chuckled. He sounds not proud of it but I am! It's me.
"Tito, wag po kayong mag-alala. It just really became a hobby than work for me. I'm an Architect, by the way..." I said, helping Dad defend me.
They all look at me. I smiled. Tito Pat eyed me curiously.
"You are?" Tito Leo seems to be interested.
"She is..." Dad said.
Ngiti lang ang binigay ko. Paulit-ulit sila.
"Then why the detour?" muling tanong ni Tito Pat.
My smile faded a little as I look at his direction on the other side of the kabisera. Magkatapat sila ni Daddy na nasa kabila naman.
Natuptop ang aking bibig at hindi agad nakasagot. Dad asked me that too, I don't know how many times already. But I just answered him with a smile every time.
Uubra ba iyon kay Tito? What will I say then? Because I remember too many memories? The dream I spent most dreaming and wanting with Hezekiah? The one that I nurtured with the few important people in my life that I left behind?
I brought my smile back.
"Sometimes, we need to leave something we're used to for a while so that we can find a new one too..."