ALEXANDER
I'm not sure if I've just made the biggest mistake of my immortal life.
Stepping back into the palace after the announcement, I waste no time speaking with my father or brother. I immediately head for my room. Most of my belongings are still in the apartment, however I cannot bring myself to go back there yet. Instead, I enter my empty bedroom and sit on my armchair, holding my head in my hands.
What have I done? Not only have I banished my mate from the palace after threatening her life multiple times, I've also sent the entire city on a manhunt for her. Oh, and I'm practically King. This is a nightmare.
I'm not even sure I want Hope back. I love her, that much I'm certain of. But between her radical views and her running to the arms of another man, what am I supposed to do? I was ready to make her my wife, my Queen. And in the blink of an eye, everything has changed.
Never in my life have I been so uncertain. Everything has always been planned for me. My career, my betrothal, even my outfits. For once, I have no idea what is coming next.
Father is stepping down. His decision to abdicate immediately has thrown the whole palace for a loop. He was expected to gradually phase himself out as I was trained to take on the full responsibilities of being King. Now, I'm being forced into a position I'm not sure I can handle. I can not find an explanation for his choice. Not only are we missing a queen, but I'm almost positive I'm going through a midlife crisis. I'm only twenty three!
Running my hands through my hair, I do my best to shut down my emotions. All they've managed to do is get me in trouble, and I can no longer afford that.
A knock sounds at my door and I raise my head to glance at it. Who could be bothering me right now? Before I get the chance to answer it, my younger brother is strolling through the door, an annoyed expression on his face.
"What could you possibly want?" I sigh, not moving from my seat. I should have known Elijah wouldn't accept some half assed story of Hope's disappearance. He's too smart.
"I want to know exactly what happened, Alexander. I know Hope, she wouldn't just get up and walk away. You need to tell me the truth," he points his finger at me, narrowing his eyes. Why couldn't I be an only child...
"I told you everything I know. She left in the middle of the night and I have no idea where she is," I tell him, trying to put on a convincing show. My story doesn't match up, though, and he knows it.
"You're lying! If she just up and vanished, why don't you use your weird mate connection to find her?" He points out, taking a seat on the armchair across from me.
"Sure, make yourself comfortable," I scoff, rolling my eyes. He sighs and shakes his head at me, obviously disappointed at my attitude.
Honestly, I'm not sure what's gotten into me. Elijah has always been my best friend. The one person who I could tell anything. But this, this is different. I'm not sure if I've made a mistake or not and I'm fearful that if I tell my brother the truth, he'll tell me how stupid I am. And I don't think I'm ready to hear that this could have all been my fault.
"Tell me the truth, Alexander. Please," he begs, looking at me with sad eyes. Lying isn't easy for me, especially to someone who I care so much about. My mother would be so disappointed in me.
"I-I don't know what the truth is. Everything just happened so fast and I was so angry and- I don't know what to do," I admit, running my hands through my hair again. I'm lucky vampires can't go bald or I would have pulled all my hair out at this point.
Elijah sits up straight in his seat, looking at me with wide, concerned eyes. Great, here it comes.
"What did you do?" He asks slowly, fearful of my answer.
This is your chance, Alexander. Tell your brother what happened so he can tell you the right thing to do. Tell him exactly what you saw and how you're not sure if it's real.
But I can't. And I've never been so ashamed or disappointed than I am when the next words leave my mouth.
"Hope cheated on me, Elijah. We fought about something stupid and she ran right to Emery. I caught them and I... I told her to never come back," I mumble, trying not to be distracted by the fact my eyes are glossing over. Saying it outloud, even if it may not be true, makes it much more real.
"No," he states, shaking his head, "no, that isn't right. She would never do that. We both know that. There has to be something else."
I watch my brother as he tries to come up with an explanation. I know the right thing to do would be to tell him exactly what happened. That I never saw anything that would suggest Hope cheated, that I got too angry too fast, that I acted before I thought. I don't though. I let him believe a half truth.
"What about your connection? Can you use it to see what happened?" He asks, hope perking up inside of him. Sadly, I shake my head. Yet another mistake I've made.
"I shut off the connection. I couldn't deal with seeing her and having her try to convince me that nothing happened," I explain, dropping my head.
"You're so stupid. I can't believe all of this happened and you waited so long to tell me! I'm your brother, Alexander! I could have helped you!" He shouts, suddenly becoming very angry. I swallow and try not to let my emotions get the best of me. He's telling me things I already know deep down.
"I'm sorry," I admit, not finding it in myself to look him in the eyes. I never wanted to disappoint my younger brother. I'm expected to be his role model. Just one more thing I've ruined.
"We have to find her and get her back here. She could be anywhere. Hope is a new vampire! Do you understand how dangerous it is to just send her into the human world again? Especially with John still out there," Elijah rambles on. He's making valid points, but none of them seem to matter to me. I was heart broken by my soul mate. That's all that matters right now.
"I'm not ready to see her yet," I shoot at him, my voice sharp. It leaves him taken back, but he wastes no time in answering.
"You think I give a damn about what you want right now? You messed up big time. You'll be lucky if we can get her back alive," he seethes, standing so fast that his chair scrapes back against the floor. I wince as he storms from the room, slamming the door behind him.
His words echo in my mind. Was it a mistake to dismiss her so quickly? I assumed that she was strong enough, brave enough to handle things on her own. She was raised in the human world, she'll be able to get by.
However, my brother is right. As a vampire, there is more to worry about than she's used to. She'll have to feed, and keep herself hidden while doing so. She was not prepared for this and I threw her into the lions den.
I'm such an idiot.
Squeezing my eyes shut for a moment, I try to erase my guilt. At the rate it's building up, though, I don't think I'll be able to. If I'm the reason that Hope dies, I won't be able to continue living. Despite everything that's happened, I still love her.
Finally standing from my seat, I make my way to my closet. I've had enough of my suit for the day and opt for dark jeans and a sweatshirt, instead.
I have never been one for casual clothing, but lately it's been my only comfort. Suits always remind me of my power, of my duty to Roris. Now, I hide in plain clothing to try and mask my fear that I'll fail Roris as I've failed Hope.
My walk to the cemetery is silent. The guards that I pass bow their heads at me but I pay no attention to them. I crave the presence of the one person who could help me right now.
When I reach her, I take a seat on the grass in front of the tomb stone. I don't care that the morning dew covering the grass is soaking through my pants.
Placing a hand on the cold stone, I take a deep breath.
"Hi Mother," I whisper, smiling sadly at the ground. It's never seemed fair to me that she was the one to lose her life. Then again, death was never fair.
"I'm so lost right now. I think I've made a mistake. But you know me, always too proud to admit it. This is different, though. I let the woman I love slip through my fingers. I wish more than anything that you were here right now. I could really use a cup of your hot chocolate and your wise words," the words sting coming out of my mouth. I miss my mother more than anything in this world. The silent tears that slip from my eyes serve as a reminder that even the strongest can fall.
"I just want to feel like a kid again. I've had to grow up so fast and it doesn't seem fair. I know if you were here, I wouldn't be King yet. You would shelter me as long as possible. And I wish that you could. But now, I'm being forced to step into this role that I'm not ready for. The one person that could have helped me is gone. That's my fault, too. I got too scared to let her in and instead pushed her away. I'm such a fool. I hope you aren't disappointed."
I let my words travel through the morning air, praying that by some chance they reach her. Longing for the days where my mother would stroke my hair and tell me everything is okay, I rest my forehead against the cool rock. How could this world be so cruel?
"You'd probably tell me to talk to Father about all of this. He's already stressed, though. Since your death, he's worked tirelessly to avenge you. I think the fight drained him more than he expected. Now that we've found your killer, he can finally rest and I want to allow him that. I can't bring myself to burden him with my problems...
And Elijah. I'm worried I've pushed him away, too. I just keep doing that. Pushing away everyone that cares about me. I'm so sorry that I did it to you. If I had known that one day you'd be gone, I never would have taken you for granted. Sometimes I forget that vampires aren't as immortal as we think. I wish we had been closer in the end. I'll never forgive myself for that.
My coronation will be in two weeks. Are you going to watch? I'll be responsible for the whole city. I hope I don't let them down as much as I've let everyone else down."
I wipe the fallen tears from my cheeks and stand, glancing one last time at my mother's final resting place. She was too good for this life.
On my way back into the palace, I see Nathan's grave. Pausing, I stand in front of the stone. I didn't know him very well, or even at all, but he is important to Hope. And that means something to me.
Crouching down, I sigh before speaking.
"I'm sorry about all of this. I'm sure if you were here you would have beat me already. I'll look after your sister, I promise. I'm not doing a very good job so far, but I won't rest until I know she's safe," I mumble to the stone. Nathan would have kicked my ass the moment I even accused Hope of cheating. And I would have let him.
Finally returning to the palace, I stop for a moment in the hall. I'm going to be King. My queen is missing, my own fault, and I've turned my brother against me. This will take a lot to fix.
But I know I'll have to. I have to bring Hope home, whether I'm ready or not. I'll have to push aside my jealousy and anger and be open to the fact this could all be a mistake.
I only wish I could do that. Until I know the truth, I'm not sure I'll be able to have Hope back in the palace. Even if it's only a tiny part of me that believes she was unfaithful, it's enough to make me hesitate.
My promise to Nathan stays at the front of my mind. I promised to make sure Hope is safe. I will keep that promise, but I'll find a way to do it without having her here. My mind is broken, and I can't fix the mistakes I've made until I fix myself.
***
Author's Note: Finally a look inside Alexander's mind. What do you think? He's obviously going through a lot, are his actions justified?
Thank you for reading!