Chapter 11: The Dinner
Victoria Abbel's Point of View
Nagulat ako nang biglang may kumatok sa pinto. I get all the notes scattered on my bed and hid them under the pillow. I even hid the remaining crumpled paper under my bed by kicking them.
"Bakit?" Sabi ko agad nang mabuksan ko ang aking pinto.
"I mean, why?" I said when I saw Carla in front of my door. Nagulat kasi ito dahil sa aking pagtatagalog.
"I'm going home, now. The dinner is served, eat when you feel it. I also got my salary today, thank you." She said. Tumango lang ako sa kanya at hinintay na siya ay umalis. I just really wanted to decipher the codes right now, na mula sa mga scratched paper ni Trevor. I felt like I'm invading his privacy but I'm Tori Abbel. I am always curious and I always find a way to satisfy my curiosity.
Pagkatapos umalis ni Carla ay lumabas na rin ako to have dinner. Pero pababa pa lang ako ng hadgan, I saw Trevor across the room and met his eyes. Hindi pa rin ako nasasanay na dito na nakatira si Trevor. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong ginagawa niya dito.
"Where are you going?" Ito agad ang natanong ko nang mapansin kong nakatingin din siya sa akin.
"None of your concern." Act cool Tori. He's Trevor after all.
"Let's go Trevor. The gang is already waiting." Bigla na lang nagpakita si Nikos na nakaayos rin ang suot. Looks like they are going out tonight. Trevor walks towards Nikos. Hindi na rin siya lumingon sa gawi ko. Napairap na lang ako sa hangin. Ha! Trevor will always be Trevor. He acts like I don't exist in his world. What a cold hearted man, he is! Hindi na naman siya lugi sa akin kung ako ang magiging girlfriend niya. Napaka choosy na tao, hmp!
I slapped my face from what I am thinking. Oo nga pala, Trevor free na ako. I should move on from him. He's no good to me. All those heartaches that he gives, he doesn't have any right to stay in my life. Malungkot akong naglakad papunta sa kusina and eat alone. I don't know where Damien is, or Clevon for that matter. And Cainn must be in hell now. May naabutan akong Caesar salad na nakahain sa lamesa at pasta.
"No rice?" Bulong ko sa sarili ko at tiningna ang laman ng rice cooker. Well, fuck! Gusto ko pa naman sana kumain ng kanin ngayon pero I think this is enough for one person. While eating the Caesar salad, hindi ko maiwasan na isipin na parang may kailangan akong gawin. My mind is not at ease, para bang may nakakalimutan ako. What am I missing here?
Crap. Bulong ko sa sarili ko. I really hate eating alone. This whole place is a mess. Pinagmasdan ko ang buong paligid ko. Nanaig ang katahimikan. The only thing that you can hear is the noise inside your head.
After dinner. I went to my mother's room who was sleeping unsoundly in her bed, took two pills, and left. This becomes a routine of mine. My mother really looks pitiful. Why does she have to be like that? Isn't it easy if she moves forward in her life and takes care of her children? I'm aware that we're no longer kids but we need our mother.
When I get back from my own room, I leaned to my door. Unti-unti akong umupo sa sahig at sinuklay ang buhok ko gamit ang aking kamay.
I am one week suspended. Napahilamos na lang ako ng aking mukha. I don't want to stay in this place and I don't want to stay at the university either. Should I start looking for a place of my own? No, Damien won't allow me. Walang magtitingin sa kalagayan ng nanay ko.
"Now what?" I whispered to the night air and stared at my empty room. There are still a lot of scratch papers scattered around the room. Mga nakolekta kong kalat ay hanggang ngayon ay nasa akin pa rin. Tumayo ako at inayos ang mga kalat sa aking kama. All the weird notes that came from Trevor are scaring the shit out of me. I don't want to throw this away so I decided to keep all the notes.
Mula sa pagkagusot ay inayos ko ito at inipit ang mga nakuha ko sa isang makapal na libro. I inserted all the papers in different pages and put them back in the corner. Reading a book is my comfort zone. When I'm sad, I read. When I'm lonely and alone, I read. When I'm angry, I read. And I didn't know that three years had already passed. Napakabilis ng panahon, ika nga nila. Mabilis din ang mga pangyayari, sa bilis nito ay hindi mo ito maiwasan.
I reached for a book and re-read The Catcher in the Rye by J.D Salinger. I can relate to this book. The protagonist is in search of truth and rails against the phoniness of the adult world but ended up exhausted and emotionally unstable.
Lesson learned: Accept yourself that you can't save everyone.
Hindi ko namalayan ang oras nang may marinig akong ingay mula sa ibaba. Bigla akong napabangon at ibinaba ang libro na aking hawak. Isinuot ko ang aking tsinelas bago dahan-dahang bumaba ng aking kwarto. Tanging ilaw lang mula sa kusina ang nakabukas. Biglang kumunot ang noo ko. It's already two in the morning. Dapat sa oras na ito ay natutulog na ako dahil maaga pa kaming dalawa ni Nikos mamaya.
"Trevor?" Tanong ko nang makarating ako sa kusina. Tumingin naman siya sa kanyang likuran, ngunit wala pang ilang segundo ay ibinalik niya ang kanyang atensiyon sa kanyang ginagawa. He's washing his hand with soap. Kaya pala may ingay na nagmula dito sa kusina.
"What are you doing?" I asked and leaned towards the refrigerator. Naka cross arms pa ako habang pinagmamasdan ang kanyang ginagawa.
"Washing," He stated the obvious.
"I can see that," I said as a matter of fact.
"Then don't ask stupid questions." He turned off the faucet and faced me. Oh, is he back being a jerk? Minsan ay papansinin niya ako at minsan naman ay hindi. Seasonal ba ang mood niya? Napairap na lang ako sa hangin. He looks at me with those weary eyes. The water is still dripping from his hand.
Tumingin ako sa mukha niya pababa sa kanyang katawan. Where did he go at this hour?
I mentally slapped my face. Now, I'm curious again! I should refrain myself from asking.
Akmang aalis na si Trevor ay bigla akong sumunod sa kanya. Our skin touched accidentally, and it gives shivers down to my spine when I felt his warm skin. And due to my clumsiness, bigla na lang ako natalisod ng dining table.
"Aahhh!" Impit kong sigaw, lumingon sa akin si Trevor at sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay nahulog ako sa dibdib niya. I don't know what else happened the moment I closed my eyes, within a second I can feel my body on top him. He just caught me from falling, but he fell on the floor too.
Maybe I'm thirsty for physical touch and affection from other people that's why I'm reacting this way. I already forgot the warmth of other people.
Sinamaan naman ako ng tingin ni Trevor nang magdikit ang aming mga balat.
He's inches away from me, I keep my mouth shut when he keeps staring at my eyes. Hindi ko kinukurap ang aking mga mata, afraid that this will end so soon. This is the rarest time that our proximity becomes this close. And I think this is the first time he looks directly into my eyes.
Nakapwesto ako sa kanyang itaas, my hands placed on his chest.
He smelled of alcohol. Trevor is drunk. This is the reason why Nikos and Trevor aren't here this evening. Boys' night out? That must be it.
Kaya siguro kahit magkalapit kami ng katawan at mukha ay hindi niya ako pinapaalis sa taas niya. He's just there, staring at my eyes as if I'm the only one he can see right now. My heartbeat is beating loudly on my chest, unable to move a muscle. Afraid that he will be able to hear it. It's impossible to stay away from him since we're just living in one house.
"Kelan mo balak umalis sa taas ko?" Mahinang pahayag dito. Doon lang ako natauhan at dali daling umalis mula sa kanyang itaas. My cheeks reddened and was about to get up when I felt something sticky from his shirt. Nang makatayo ako ay inayos ko ang aking sarili. He did the same.
Trevor is drunk, yet he look like he's not. Kahit lasing ito ay napakatahimik nitong tao. Tinapunan niya muna ako ng isang malamig na tingin bago kinuha ang gitara niya na nakasandal sa pader at tahimik na umakyat. I was left alone wondering why his guitar is missing a string and why he's so drunk right now.
Trevor will always be Trevor. Drunk or not, he's quiet. He can still handle his own self when drunk. Naiwan tuloy ako sa kusina na nakatulala. I shouldn't have go here in the first place. Napailing na lang ako sa aking sarili at akmang sasarhan ang ilaw sa kusina nang mapansin kong may pula sa aking kamay.
Saan naman ito nagmula? Realization hits me. This must be the sticky feeling I felt when I touched Trevor's shirt. Inilagay ko ito sa aking ilong at inamoy.
It smells like blood.
***