Today seemed to disappear in a blur. After eating the dessert prepared for us and talking a little, we each went to our separate rooms. I guess the constant fear of death surrounding our every action is more exhausting than I thought it would be.
It's now long past sundown so I assume Anakin and Padme are sleeping. I have been lying awake for hours while my mind remained occupied with thoughts of Anakin. Knowing I won't be able to rest my mind for a long time yet, I decide to get a snack.
It's surprisingly cold here now, especially without the added warmth of my usual Jedi robes. Right now I'm only wearing my night clothing. Sure, it is still incredibly modest and warm but it doesn't have the excess layering of my typical clothing. Slowly, I open the door to exit my room. For some reason, I feel an unnecessary kick of adrenaline as I creep through the dark hallways of the lodge. It hits me how boring my life must be or me to get a thrill out of sneaking around for food.
I make my way toward the fireplace and light it in a desperate attempt to warm up the freezing room. The fire creates a calming light and subtle warmth. I sit on the couch before it and reach to take a piece of fruit from the bowl on the table beside me.
Just as I'm about to grab it, the fruit seemingly moves a few inches. I rub my eyes in case my sleep deprived self is starting to see things. Did a piece of fruit really move before my eyes or am I genuinely losing my mind? The latter seemed like the most probable explanation.
I reach for it again and this time I'm certain I see it move. I look at the piece of fruit with utter shock. How is it possible that it is moving? I move my face closer to the object on the table beside me, examining it closely.
"Are you...alive?" I ask the clearly inanimate object in a hushed whisper. Part of me is curious and the other part concerned.
A muffled laugh then starts behind the couch. I throw my head back in embarrassment. I should have known.
"You should've seen your face!" Anakin chuckles but not too loudly so as to not wake Padme. He clutches his stomach as he continues to laugh.
How did I not sense his presence? Any Jedi should be able to do that, especially one who shares a weird force connection to him. I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy to see him but I also felt like a complete idiot for what he just saw me do. I really like Anakin and I just spoke to a piece of fruit in his presence. I turn my body to face him as he walks to the front of the couch and sits down beside me. By that I mean he throws himself back and falls into it as he continues to laugh.
Suddenly, I have a brilliant plan. It normally would not work under regular circumstances, but I figure my amplified strength in Anakin's presence may give me an advantage.
"You did not see me talk to the fruit" I wave my hand before his face and channel the force.
Anakin swats my hand away from his face playfully.
"I'm a Jedi, (Y/N), that's not going to work." He chuckles.
"Worth a shot." I sigh heavily and lean back into the couch, hoping I will be swallowed by it.
"You can try it on the fruit if you want." He mocks. I already know I will never hear the end of this.
"Must you always be so childish?" I ask with a sarcastic tone.
"I may be childish," he agrees "but at least I don't talk to fruit."
I pick up the cushion beside me and whack him in the stomach with it. This only makes him laugh even harder. Unable to contain it any longer, I join in with his laughter. I have done so many stupid things in his presence these last couple of days that he probably thinks I'm crazy.
I desperately change the topic of conversation to something other than my lack of intelligence a few moments prior.
"What are you doing up anyway? I thought you went to sleep hours ago." I question.
"I could say the same to you." He counters.
His dismissal of the question makes me think he had another nightmare.
"Well I simply am not tired." I lie "What's your excuse?"
"Also not tired. Then I heard you get up and thought it'd be fun to mess with you" He laughs again as he remembers.
"I'll get you back for that, Skywalker," I threaten "just you wait."
"Sure you will, (Y/L/N)." He loved to antagonise me.
Anakin's shoulders suddenly stiffen and his head turns to face the ground. He clenches his jaw and I can tell he is fighting off tears.
"What aren't you telling me?" I ask. I know I probably seem nosy right now but I don't care. He is in pain and he needs support. The Council frowns upon talking about our feelings, but I've come to realise that their views are not always the right ones.
"Just stressed about the mission is all." He says "I've known Padme since I was 9 years old and don't want anything to happen to her."
I use my connection to him to analyse what he is saying, not willing to immediately believe what he says.
"That's a lie." I accuse, keeping my tone far from aggressive. I knew Anakin was worried about her safety but this isn't what's causing his distress right now.
"You're right," he sighs "I just need to sleep."
He shifts his weight forward and begins to stand up. I quickly reach out and grab his hand before he can walk away. He stops immediately and looks down at the point where our hands meet.
"You can talk to me." I say softly. His body relaxes from its previously tense state as he sits back down beside me, only closer this time.
"It's just these dreams I'm having, (Y/N). They're worrying me. Jedi don't have nightmares, so why is my mind haunted every night?" His voice is shaky, weak.
I couldn't explain why he was having nightmares. The only people that would have any sort of explanation is the Council and there is no way I'm letting him go to them. I have nothing against the more experienced Jedi, but I know how awfully they would treat Anakin for still holding onto an attachment to his mother after all these years.
"I don't have the answers right now, Anakin, but I promise we'll work it out. Together." I offer a weak smile as he processes my words.
"Thank you," he whispers. There is silence for a moment.
"You're not alone, Anakin." I assure him.
"Neither are you."
We simply sit before the warm presence of the fireplace for a while. Neither of us says anything while we enjoy the company of one another. I'm getting increasingly tired with each minute that passes but I am more than happy to stay awake if it means Anakin is okay.
"Wait, earlier you wanted to tell me something." He says suddenly in a way that sounds more like asking.
I still did need to tell him about our connection and now did seem like a good time. We were being honest with each other after all. Every part of me wanted to open up to him. To tell him everything that had been going on. But I couldn't. Instead of bringing us closer, the information could tear us apart and Anakin needed me right now. I couldn't do anything that would compromise my position as the only real support he has in his life.
"Yeah. I'm really glad to have you back in my life." Technically I didn't lie. I am glad, beyond glad. I just didn't want to give him the whole truth yet.
"I am too, (Y/N)." He smiles. I have seen beautiful sights since arriving on Naboo. Breathtaking views of mountains, meadows, and waters, yet his smile is by far my favourite sight in the entire galaxy.
It is only now that I realise he has remained holding my hand this entire time. He seems to notice at the same time, as we both look down to our intertwined fingers.
"Um," I start, "we should probably go to sleep."
"Yeah," he clears his throat "we probably should."
I release my hand from his before standing up and walking over to the fire. I put out the flame and go with Anakin to the corridor leading to our separate rooms. He walks with me, silently, to my room. As soon as we reach my door, he pulls me into a tight hug.
"Thank you, (Y/N), for everything." He whispers into my ear.
I relish in the feeling of his arms around me for a few moments. I felt so safe and protected.
"Of course, that's what friends are for." I whisper back.
My words seem to...hurt him? He quickly pulls away from the hug and turns his gaze to the floor momentarily.
"Goodnight." He flashes a quick smile before turning to walk to his room.
"Sleep well, Anakin." I whisper as he walks away. I doubt he could even hear it.
Every part of me wants to call him back just so we can talk longer. I wanted to be in his presence for as long as possible, even if he did only see me as a friend. For once, I think with my head rather than my heart. I walk into my room and quickly shut the door behind me, resisting the urge to run back to the boy I care so deeply for.