BRIGHT'S
POINT OF VIEW
WHY did it have to be like this? Bakit kailangan maging ganito ka complicated ang buhay 'pag nagmahal ka? My feelings are too confusing for me to understand. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman no'ng nakita ko sina Win at Hans na magkasama. Especially knowing the fact that Win didn't answer my call because he was busy with his ex.
Yes, I got jealous. I didn't like seeing him with Hans kasi alam ko na may feelings pa rin siya dito. What if biglang nagbago ang isip ni Hans at gusto niyang magbalikan sila? There's a possibility na papayag si Win. Of course, I didn't want that to happen.
At the same time, concerned rin ako para kay Kisha. Sinaktan man niya ako, she still holds a place in my heart and I wouldn't want her to get hurt because of the guy she chose over me.
"Hans, balikan mo na si Kisha. She needs you right now," malamig na sabi ni Win dito and then he turned to me. "Ikaw rin, Bright. You should go back to the hospital. Mas kailangan ka do'n."
Walang salita na sumakay si Hans sa kotse niya at mabilis na umalis. Pero nanatili ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Kailangan pa naming mag-usap. But I wasn't sure kung may patutunguhan pa ang pag-uusap namin. Win looked so cold like I said something that hurt him. Why was he acting like that? Siya naman ang may ginawang mali, ah.
"Bakit mo pa siya kinausap? What's the point?" inis kong tanong.
"Huli na 'yon," tipid niyang sagot. "Don't worry, hindi na mauulit 'yon."
"You still love him, right?"
Hindi siya nakasagot. He just looked at me with a painful look. I could see that he was so close to tearing up pero pinigilan lang niya ang sarili niya.
"Mahal mo pa rin si Kisha," aniya. He wasn't asking, he was stating a fact na parang siguradung-sigurado siya do'n. "I don't blame you for that. It's not easy to unlove an ex. So why do I feel like you're taking it against me na may feelings pa rin ako kay Hans?"
"Win..."
"Ikaw lang ba ang pwedeng magmahal sa ex? Ako ba, dapat okay na ako agad? Dapat ba nakapag-move on na ako?"
"That's not what I mean."
"Next time na tayo mag-usap. Pareho pang magulo ang isip natin. Let's... let's just call this a night. Pagod na 'ko."
Napilitan akong tumango.
He was right. Our emotions were both heightened and it wasn't the right time for us to talk. We might end up arguing even more kung ipipilit namin.
"Alright." Tumango ako. "Let's talk again some other time."
"Good night." He didn't even wait for me to respond. Tinalikuran na niya ako.
***
KISHA was still there when I went back to the hospital but Hans wasn't there. Hindi ko na lang muna iyon masyadong inisip. She smiled at me when she saw me approaching them. Sinabi ni Mommy na stable na raw ang condition ni Kurt at pini-prepare na lang ang private room niya. I gave a sigh of relief. Kahit paano ay gumaan ng konti ang pakiramdam ko knowing that he was out of danger.
Around 3 AM ay hinatid ko pauwi si Kisha. Ayaw sana niya kasi pwede naman siyang mag-taxi but my parents insisted na ihatid ko raw siya to be sure that she'd get home safely. Alam ko naman na ginawa iyon ng parents ko because they wanted us to get back together. Mula pa noon ay butung-boto sila kay Kisha para sa'kin. They liked her so much because of her personality. Kaya nga no'ng naghiwalay kami, hindi ko na sinabi sa kanila ang dahilan. They'd be devastated to know that the woman they liked so much could do such thing to their son.
"Pasensya ka na, ah. Naabala ka pa tuloy," aniya sa'kin habang bumibiyahe kami. Mabuti na lang at madaling-araw kaya sobrang luwag ng kalsada. Few minutes from now, nasa bahay na nila kami. I didn't have to be with her for so long.
"Okay lang," tipid kong sagot.
"Ano'ng cause ng heart attack ni Kurt? Did he do any intense physical activity lately? Stressed ba sa school?"
"Hindi naman. We've been really careful kaya hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit nangyari 'to."
"He's been really vulnerable talaga. I feel bad for him because he couldn't live a normal teenage life. Bakit kasi kailangan niyang magkaroon ng sakit sa puso? Ang unfair lang talaga ng mundo."
I could hear the sadness and frustration in her tone. Siguro nga kahit wala na kami, hindi na mawawala ang concern niya para sa kapatid ko. Sobrang close kasi nila noon. Only child si Kisha kaya sabi niya, si Kurt na lang daw ang ituturing niyang bunsong kapatid. She used to spoil him so much. Lahat ng gusto ni Kurt, binibigay. She didn't mind spending for my brother. Isa nga iyon sa rason kung bakit mas lalo akong na-in love sa kanya. She treated my family like her own.
"We just need to be extra careful from now on," sabi ko na lang.
"Right. Pero 'wag namang masyado, ah. Kasi baka masakal ang bata," aniya at tumanaw sa bintana. "I remember he told me once na gusto raw sana niyang maglaro ng basketball. Naiinggit raw siya sa mga classmates niya na nakakapaglaro physically. Siya kasi, puro online games lang ang larong pwedeng gawin. Grabe, sobrang nasaktan ako para sa kanya no'ng sinabi niya 'yon."
"I wish his situation is different. I also feel bad for my brother. Pero wala, eh. This is our reality and we have no choice but to deal with it."
Her phone rang and based on her expression, alam ko na agad na si Hans iyon. She looked reluctant kung sasagutin niya ang tawag o hindi. Sa huli, sinagot niya iyon pero hininaan ang boses.
"Hello? Yes, I'm on my way home. Ba't gising ka pa? You should sleep now. Maaga pa ang work mo bukas. Yeah, I'll text you once I'm home. Alright, bye. 'Love you."
Aaminin ko na nasaktan ako do'n. But it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Maybe it had something to do with the fact na nagkakaro'n na ako ng progress sa pagmu-move on ko.
Hindi na siya nagsalita pagkatapos ng phonecall na iyon. Mas naging awkward lang kasi ang atmosphere sa pagitan namin. Titiisin ko na lang muna. Ilang saglit na lang naman ay darating na kami sa bahay nila. Konting tiis na lang.
"Bright."
"Yes?"
She heaved a deep sigh. "I just want to apologize for the things I said. Hindi ko dapat pinagdudahan ang relasyon n'yo ni Win. Masyado akong nag-conclude and I admit na napaka-insensitive ng mga sinabi ko."
I didn't know what to say. Hindi ko rin naman kasi in-expect na magsu-sorry siya.
"I'm just glad na na-realize mo na rin ang pagkakamali mo. Our relationship might not be the best or healthiest kind, but we're trying our best to make it work."
"Tama ka. Do whatever it takes for you to move on. You deserve to be happy again."
"That's the goal... to be happy again. In fact, I feel like I'm close to being genuinely happy again because of him. He makes me happy."
She smiled and chose to remain silent. Sakto naman na dumating na kami sa bahay nila. Bigla ko tuloy naalala ang mga panahon na hinahatid ko siya pauwi. Naging routine na kasi namin iyon sa tagal ng relasyon namin. But I quickly drove those thoughts away. Memories na lang 'yon.
"We're here," sabi ko nang napansing hindi pa rin siya lumalabas.
She unfastened her seatbelt at bigla akong niyakap ng mahigpit.
"I'm sorry you had to go through this," umiiyak niyang sabi sa'kin. "I'm so sorry."
"Kisha..."
"Be happy now, Bright. Please be happy."