TW: blood and death
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𝔸𝕨𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕟'𝕤 ℙ𝕆𝕍
Two months. Well, two and a half. I'm home in 9 weeks. Single digits.
I stared at Lucas, trying to grasp what he was saying. But all I could think about was how graphic that fucking nightmare was. I never have those. My dreams aren't usually like that. They're not realistic like that, they're just supposed to be weird.
"Awsten?"
I snapped out of it and noticed I was staring at the ground. I looked up at Geoff.
"Uh, yeah, sorry," I shook my head. "Continue."
"Uh, okay," Lucas hesitantly said, "like I was saying. Bus call is at 6. We have more to talk about then."
The rest of the meeting was a little shaky because I didn't catch the first half of it. Every time I closed my eyes I just saw Charlie's face covered in blood. The image of that would haunt me forever.
"Hey, are you okay? You're face is literally white."
I looked up and saw Otto looking worried.
"Yeah, no, I'm uh," I looked down and my hands that were shaking. I clenched my fists.
Otto sighed and patted my back as he walked away.
Hopping up into my bunk, I grabbed my laptop and opened FaceTime, calling Charlie. When she answered I saw her in bed.
"What." She said sleepily.
I focused on her, trying to push away the image of her slumped over in the car seat next to me.
We talked about things for a while and it was really nice. She just kept saying thank you. Although I said "you're welcome", I wasn't 100% sure of why she was saying it.
That nightmare was the first of many. I had to stop watching the movies we'd been watching the whole tour because it reminded me too much of everything. Every night was a different situation where a different person I'm close with dies. But I live. And it's always my fault.
I wasn't paying attention to the road in the dream where Charlie died. I told Jawn it was safe in the dream where he was shot. I was the one who convinced Geoff to go sight seeing at a place that was bombed, not only killing him but his family.
I always lived. I had to suffer.
After I stopped watching those movies, the nightmares stopped. I never told anyone. Everyone asked why I wouldn't watch the movies and I said I was bored of them.
So I instead listened to music and played games on my phone. I never downloaded games but Charlie forced me to before I left and I wouldn't delete them until I got back. Luckily, although they were stupid, they came in handy.
Scrolling on social media just made me miss everyone.
I just had to focus on tour. The people. My friends.
•••
"You had your own Awsten Knight,"
"Hi."
The crowd yelled back and I laughed. I ran around, continuing Turbulent. Every song we play from Fandom is new and fun. I'm surprised by how many people know all of the words this quick.
Everybody has fun. It's generally a good environment because of the energy. Every show is different and I love that. Online, our fan base is nuts but during shows it's really easy to forget that.
My head flooded with thoughts of my apartment and I mentally sighed. I probably send mixed signals to everyone around me. I'm always like "yay, tour! Fun!" but then when I hear how much we have left I say "thank God."
I'm at that happy medium point I guess. I'm starting to notice everyone else getting affected. Especially our days off when I'm on vocal rest. I can't really have input on the conversation so I watch everyone's expressions. Geoff misses Chloe and Rory. Otto misses Grace and his family. Jawn misses literally everyone. We all push through it.
I looked out at the sea of people and laughed. The green wigs were a good choice of merch. I watched everyone jump up and down as the end of the song rang through the venue.
Afterwards, there was the meet and greet which is nice because everyone's always really cool.
I watched people let others cut in front of them which would've been nice but I knew it was selfish intent. The further back in the line you are, the more time you have to hang out with whoever your meeting. I wasn't judging, I always did that when I was younger.
The people at the very back of the line were usually the most chill because they had enough time to think about what to say and to calm down.
The very last person we met was a girl named Kaylie. She made a painting of all three of us and it was super realistic. Kaylie hugged us and told us how we changed her life, it was all really sweet. But as she was walking away, she looked me dead in the eyes and said "call Charlie".
It was strange. It was almost as if she knew something I didn't and after how recent those dreams were, I'm not taking any chances. As we walked out toward the bus I couldn't stop thinking about it.
"What the hell was that?" Otto said, looking at me quizzically.
"I have absolutely no idea," I furrowed my eyebrows and shrugged.
Once I was clean and in more comfortable clothes, I jumped up in my bunk and hovered my finger over Charlie's contact before finally pressing down.
After getting no answer three times in a row, I sighed. I couldn't help but feel a little nervous. I looked at the time and mentally facepalmed.
"It's 2 am there. Jesus Awsten, chill the fuck out. She's just sleeping," I whispered to myself.
But long distance, even if it's temporary, fucking sucks.
"Hey, we got Tommy Boy earlier," Geoff walked in and looked at me. "Something different. You said you were bored of the ones we have, yeah?"
I shrugged.
"Okay, well, we got Tommy Boy because a shitty website listed it as one of the funniest movies ever."
I laughed and hopped down.
"Yeah, that, and because you like it."
Once he left, I picked up a sweatshirt and my wallet fell off, a picture sliding out. It was a Polaroid of Charlie and I kissing on the couch in her old Houston apartment. It was from the day I first said I loved her.
I felt a lump form in my throat so I put it back and threw my wallet in my bunk. The previews were playing when I walked out so I sat by Jawn.
The movie was nice to get my mind off shit. My relationships with people are faltering because of the distance. Charlie feels far away, not only physically, but emotionally. We barley talk and that's freaking me out a little bit.
So the movie was relaxing. An unnerving feeling was creeping in my chest at all times, so watching the movie was a nice.
That night after we all said goodnight, that feeling came back. The unnerving "is this worth it" feeling. I remembered when Charlie first met my parents and she assured it was fine.
"He's gone a lot unfortunately, but it's because of his job. That's all good for you?"
"Yes, of course, he's happy doing what he does. That's all I'd want, is for him to be happy."
I just had to pray that still applied.
Two and a half months. I'm home in 9 weeks. Single digits.
*𝕀𝕟𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕘𝕣𝕒𝕞*
awstenknight
tagged ⟶waterparks
Liked by momma.pond and 30,280 others
awstenknight WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WE DON'T EVEN DO BAD SHIT
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lauren.vents @buzz.cut.season_ LAINEY LOOK LOOK IT'S YOUR SONG
emma.marie war crimes war crimes war crimes
teen.ag3.jealousy 👀
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(may 29, 2020)