did you do it?
I had to roll my eyes. I turned my phone facing down, deciding to ignore him and went back to cleaning the apartment.
As exciting and arousing as I've found our little exchange last night, I was also extremely embarrassed. While talking to Nick, I could almost totally let go of my inhibitions, but now, after a good night's sleep it was all back.
Last night was crazy, and I couldn't quite place it. I had no idea how we've gotten there, why Nick has made me open up to him more than to anyone before, or what was the point of it all. Was it just for fun? Was it to kill time? Why was Nick so invested in this whole thing, talking to me, making me trust him? He was married, why didn't he talk about the kinky stuff with his wife? Why me, a complete stranger?
Milla.
I groaned, when an hour later my phone buzzed with yet another text. Maybe I was imagining it, but I could feel the authority from the passive-aggressive text only containing my name and a dot. Why couldn't he just let the topic go?
Another thirty minutes later, after I've finished scrubbing my bathroom and looked at my phone again, there was another text waiting.
stop ignoring me!
He was like a child in some ways, stubborn and whiny, not appreciating being ignored. I was set on not answering to him but hoping he'd forget and let it go, but by the time the afternoon came, I started missing him, missing our daily texts about anything and everything.
Are you up?
He didn't answer for the next ten minutes, but I saw that he did read the next.
Now who's ignoring who?
just a little taste of your own medicine
Don't you think that's a bit childish?
you're the one that still hasn't answered my question
I sighed. I had two choices: either admitting that I did do it and engorging his ego, or lying about it, which he'd probably know anyway.
Can't we just move on from this topic?
no
'Fuck,' I groaned, frustrated with him.
Nick, please let it go.
why?
Because it's making me uncomfortable.
no, it isn't
if it was, yesterday wouldn't have happened
I didn't answer, deciding to ignore him once again. I felt slightly less embarrassed thanks to us texting and not FaceTiming, but it still wasn't something I was perfectly comfortable talking about.
you just have a problem with letting go of your inhibitions
And you think this conversation is helping with that?
Can't you just forget it?
I want to talk about it
you want to talk about it too
No, I don't.
if you didn't, you would've just kept on ignoring me
I hated the fact that he was right. I didn't have to answer him, I don't have to answer him right now. I could just ignore him, it's not like he could do anything about it.
so, I'm gonna ask again
did you touch yourself?
I bit my lip hard before answering.
I did.
good.
I'll call you later
I let out the breath that I hadn't even noticed I was holding back. Then, in a moment I couldn't even recognize myself for actually looking forward of talking about this with him. Even though I still didn't think of myself as a prude, I couldn't just transform into someone who was totally open about her thoughts about sex. It took time.
And, really. If I had any idea of what this thing that was happening between us was, maybe it would've been easier to let go of those inhibitions.
I expected Nick's call around 10 or 11 my time, just like usually. Instead, he was already calling at 8, just as I was finishing up with my dinner.
'Hey,' I said, holding the phone between my shoulder and ear as I was doing the washing up.
'Hi,' he said, and I couldn't stop myself from smiling as soon as hearing his voice. I've gotten used to it in the last few weeks.
'You're early,' I noted, closing the tap.
'I wanted to hear your voice,' he said.
'And you want to embarrass me some more,' I chuckled. I can't believe I was the one bringing up the topic. Maybe he was right, maybe I did want to talk about sex with him.
'My intention has never been to embarrass you, as much as I enjoy making you blush,' he replied cheekily. I chuckled.
'Sure, Nick.'
'You sound surprisingly relaxed,' he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice which made me smile.
'Yeah, you just have that effect on me I guess,' I shrugged, pouring myself a glass of wine and sitting down on the couch.
'Maybe I should just call you every time I want to know something, so we'd avoid the back and forth via texts.'
'Or, you should stop being so curious, so we'd avoid the back and forth via texts.'
'Can't help that I'm interested in what you do.' I could almost see him shrug. 'But I'll be nice and spare you from describing exactly what you did to yourself last night.'
He was cheeky as shit.
'But I'm guessing that you still want me to tell you something,' I stated, taking a sip of my glass of wine. I didn't mind that we were on the phone and not FaceTiming, but I really wanted to see his face, try to read his expressions.
'And what if I do?' he asked.
'Maybe I want you to tell me some things too.'
'Maybe I will. Once,' he replied. 'But first I want to know about you.' Of course he did. I sighed resignedly.
'And what do you want to know tonight, Mr. Jonas?'
'Basics,' he said, and even if that should've calmed my nerves, it didn't. Basics with Nick didn't really seem like basics with anyone else.
'Basics like...?' I asked hesitantly. I guess he wasn't curious about my favorite color.
'No, no, no,' he said chuckling. He was enjoying this. 'Tonight I don't feel like just cutting to the chase.'
'Then what do you feel like?' I asked, biting my bottom lip.
'Last night wasn't just a fantasy you came up with on the spot,' he stated.
'Well, no,' I said, already feeling the heat crawling up to my cheeks. 'I mean not in its entirety.'
'From where did the inspiration exactly come from?' Nick asked, and I couldn't get a read on him through the phone.
'Fanfictions mostly,' I shrugged. I've already told him that I've read fanfictions and he's known I was a fan from the first minute of our acquaintance.
'Fanfictions about me?' he asked cheekily.
'Well, partly,' I said. 'Truth is, you've been gone for years, not that many fanfictions were written about you. The hardcore fans turned to the One Direction fandom.'
'Ouch, that hurt.'
'It's the truth,' I shrugged. 'Most of the best smut I've ever read are about...'I realized that maybe I shouldn't overshare and stopped.
'Smut?' he asked, and I chuckled at his unknowingness.
'Fanfiction about sex,' I explained.
'And who was the main character of the best smutty fanfictions you've ever read?'
I dreaded this question. Telling him about one of my other male celebrity crushes... It was something I wasn't sure was a great idea. But knowing Nick, this wasn't something he was just going to let go.
'Harry Styles.'
'Who else?' he chuckled ironically.
'Hey, he was the pre-teens' new Nick Jonas when you decided to break the band up,' I shrugged. 'Have you ever read a fanfiction about yourself?' I asked, feeling like the conversation was free enough for me to ask something like this from him.
'No,' he chuckled. 'That's why I'm counting on you to share with me the best Nick Jonas fanfiction you've ever read.'
'You are not going to like the answer,' I said, biting my lip.
'Why?'
'Well, back in the days when the Jonas Brothers were a thing-'
'Hey, we are a thing now!'
'Yeah, but long-long years went by,' I said, chuckling at his interruption. 'So, back when I was a teen, I mostly read Joe fanfictions, which I barely even remember, so I can't really form an opinion about the best Nick Jonas fics.'
'Ouch,' he repeated.
'Hey, it's not my fault that teenage Joe was hotter than teenage Nick. You were the cute one, he was the sexy one,' I explained, knowing that this was making him irritated. He wanted to be the best.
'And what about now?' he asked smugly. 'I'm pretty sure that you don't read fanfictions about my brother anymore.'
'Are you now?' I chuckled at his smugness. He was right though. Most of the time. 'Lately I've had trouble finding really good fanfictions about you.'
'Why?'
'For the aforementioned reason. One Direction took your place,' I shrugged. 'Plus you're married now, it kinda' ruins the thing about hopeless fantasies that you'll just fall in love with a fan at a concert.'
'But you did read some,' he said, turning back to the original topic. I could sense the curiosity in his voice.
'Of course,' I replied. Before continuing, I've had to weigh my options of how I was going to tell this to him. 'You know, there are some fans with pretty crazy fantasies.'
'What do you mean by crazy?'
'Weeeeeell...' I bit my lip. 'I'm not sure you want to know this.'
'Oh I do, trust me.'
'You're so going to regret this,' I chuckled. 'Are you familiar with the phrase 'SLASH'?'
'Oh God, those are the ones I'm gay in, right?' he asked, and I could feel that he was starting to feel uncomfortable. It was a nice change, I was just sorry for not seeing his face.
'Yup,' I said, popping the 'P'. 'But there's more.'
'What? I'm a woman?'
'No,' I chuckled at his desperate voice. 'There are some fanfictions in which you're gay... for your brother,' I said, biting my lip and trying not to laugh, as I awaited his reaction to my words.
'Which one?' This was the only thing he's asked after about two minutes of silence.
'Does it really matter?' I chuckled. 'Joe.'
'And the best fanfiction you've ever read was about me and Joe, or you're just torturing me for no reason?'
'As nice as me torturing you for a change sounds,' I started, still laughing at his misery. 'I didn't tell you that just to make you miserable.'
'So it was about me and my brother,' he guessed.
'Well, yes and no. It was a fic about you and Joe being married–'
'Wait, how did that happen? How would that be possible?'
'No idea, don't ask,' I chuckled. 'The point was that somehow you two have gotten in a relationship with a woman.'
'Both of us?' he asked, starting to sound interested.
'Yeah,' I nodded, even though he couldn't see. 'First it was just Joe, then you got to know about it, and then it was both of you with her and with each other.'
'Ew,' he said, making me chuckle again.
'You were the one that wanted to know,' I shrugged.
'And that was the best fanfiction you've read lately?' he asked. 'Seriously? Because of the threesome?'
'No,' I replied. 'Because you were dominating both Joe and the girl in that fic. And it was extremely hot. I could find it for you if you want.'
'I'll pass,' he said instantly. 'You're so much dirtier than I'd ever have imagined. I love it,' he chuckled.
'Thanks, I guess,' I replied, blushing.
'You know, we are making progress,' he noted smugly. 'You didn't shoot me down when complementing your dirty mind. Yesterday you would've.'
'Don't tempt me,'
'So, how many guys have you've ever been with?' he asked, out of the blue, which mad me spit on my wine.
'Nicholas!'
'There it is,' Nick chuckled. 'But seriously. You know that I'll make you say it either way, so you might as well just tell me.'
The fact that he was saying it so casually, bade me both embarrassed and excited. We were past the point of modesty and shyness. Nick was right, I was sure that sooner or later he'd make me tell him.
'Four.' It wasn't much, and I didn't think it was too few either. I wasn't ashamed, nor embarrassed about my number. The fact that I was having this conversation with Nick was another thing.
'Four men?' he asked.
'Yes.'
'But that's not all, is that?' I had no idea how he got to know my thoughts, things about me that I've never told anyone. It was scary.
'Two girls,' I said, almost whispering. It was a crazy night with two friends, we were extremely drunk and curious. It wasn't anything other than experimenting. 'When I was eighteen or nineteen.'
'Dirty girl,' Nick chuckled. 'And when was the last time?' he asked, without missing a beat.
'The last time I was with a guy?'
'Yes.'
'It's been a while,' I replied, biting my bottom lip. Truth is, in the past years I've been much more concentrated on finishing school and building a career than on guys.
'How long?' he asked, definitely sounding interested in the answer.
'Years,' I admitted quietly, and he sighed.
'Fuck,' Nick groaned.
'What? Just because sex wasn't a priority...'
'If sex wasn't a priority for you, it means that you've never had great sex,' he stated.
'Well, maybe you're right,' I shrugged. 'I mean, most of my sexual encounters happened on drunken nights, so...'
'It also means that you must be extremely tight,' he added, making me choke on my wine again.
'If you want me to die choking on wine, you are on the right track.'
'Sorry,' he chuckled. His deep voice sent chills down my spine.
'No, you're not.'
'No, I'm not.'
I loved this conversation. It was playful, but still somehow dangerous, it was flowing so easily, and all my nerves were long gone. Not that I didn't still feel slightly embarrassed, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. Somehow I found sharing these things with Nick essential. When he asked the questions, I wanted to answer them, I wanted him to know about me, I don't know why. I just felt safe talking to him.
I also wanted to know things about him, but I understood that I had to wait. He had much more to lose than me, if any if this shared information somehow got out – not that I wanted to sell him out. Also, it was clear that he wasn't sharing many things about his sexual preferences on purpose – this was just another way for him to establish his dominance. He liked control, and in order to be in control, he wanted to know things.
It would've been much easier to let go of wanting to know about his thoughts, if I had any idea about what this thing was between us. Why we were talking, why I was trusting him more than anyone in my life, how has this thing happened?
'So, you've never had good sex?' he asked, and I wasn't even blushing anymore.
'The sex itself was good a few times, when it was with someone I've had a crush on, but...' I started, biting my bottom lip. I wasn't embarrassed at the moment, I just didn't know how to exactly put this.
'But you've never had an orgasm?' he asked, catching on.
'Well, I had, but only during oral sex, never with...' I was searching for the word.
'Never through intercourse?' he asked, helping me out, his voice sounding a little surprised.
'No,' I replied, shaking my head and taking a sip of my wine. This was something I usually felt awkward about, even in my head. But, I mean, it was Nick... 'I read about it, they say that roughly 40% of women can't have vaginal orgasms. Maybe that's my case too.'
'Or,' he started slowly. I imagined him licking his lips, which made me shift in my place. 'You've just never had a partner that wasn't selfish. That wanted to make you come. That put your pleasure before theirs.'
'Yeah, that's usually the case with drunken hookups,' I shrugged. 'Did you always take care of your partners? Even if you were tired or drunk?' I asked, trying to get a read on him. I was sure that now, Nick Jonas was a selfless man, one that loved giving and that always made sure the sex was good for the other person as well. But maybe, when he was younger, it wasn't the case.
'Ever since I've had some experience of satisfying a woman, yes. Sex isn't just about one person usually, why would only one deserve to come?'
'Hmm,' I hummed, finishing my glass of wine. He didn't shoot down my question right away, so there was some hope that he'd answer the next one, one that I wanted to ask all day. Now that talking to him for more than an hour and the wine dissolved my inhibitions, I've felt brave. 'Nick?'
'Yes?'
'Did you touch yourself after our talk?' I blurted it out, instantly biting my bottom lip as I waited for his answer.
'Wow, bold Milla is definitely something else,' he chuckled. I stayed quiet, dying to know the answer. You see, if only I've touched myself, I was still just a fangirl fantasizing about a celebrity crush. If he also did it, this was something else. 'I did. Twice.'
Oh. My. God.
The thought of imagining Nick touching himself to the little fantasy we've played yesterday made me instantly wet. I was excited, aroused, and I wanted details, though I was sure that Nick wouldn't just share them.
'You're not going to share anything else, are you?' I guessed.
'Nope,' he said, popping the 'P', and I could almost see the smirk on his face. 'I have to leave something to your imagination.'
Lucky for me, my imagination was pretty creative.
Author's Note:
The fanfiction mentioned in this chapter is Head Over Heels by zoeykulina. Check it out, it's worth it!