Alyssa
"Sorry, I don't mean to be a bother but you dropped this." A voice spoke as they tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and a man stood there with purse in his hands. I widened my eyes at how careless I had been.
"Shit, I'm such an idiot." I chuckled. "Thank you." I smiled at him. His white teeth appeared as a smile spread across his face. He was an attractive guy for sure, dark brown hair and nice blue eyes. He wasn't the type of guy I would usually go for but something about his presence was interesting to me.
"It's no problem, some people would see it and run." He joked.
"They wouldn't get very far with it, I don't bring much money out with me." I shrugged.
"Well that's a smart move on your part." He said. "So your accent says you're not from here."
"Nah, I'm from Brighton in the UK." His eyes widened.
"The UK... I've never been." He smiled. "What brings you to Amsterdam?"
"I decided that I needed to go and travel for a bit, so here I am." I said simply.
"Ah, trying to find yourself or some other philosophical bullshit." He rolled his eyes playfully.
"I guess you could say that." I chuckled. "Just wanted to see what is out there in the world before it's too late I suppose."
"It's never too late to get out there and see things so don't ever restrict yourself." He smiled. "Anyway, if you would like to go out on a date with me this evening, I could definitely show you a few things this place has to offer?" A date? I couldn't possibly go out on a date with this guy. Could I?
"I uh..." I stumbled a little.
"Okay let's not call it a date then, let's say I show you my city." He offered.
"Not a date?" I confirmed.
"Yes, not a date." He smiled further.
"Okay, I could swing that." I nodded.
-
"You're going on a date?" Liam asked me from across the hotel room, an eyebrow raised at my announcement.
"Well it's not a date Liam, just a potential friend." I said quickly.
"Are you ready for that kinda thing?" He questioned me curiously.
"It's been 2 months Liam, I haven't spoken to any of them in that time." I mumbled. "I can't go on a trip like this and not experience different things."
"I get that but you had a pretty rough week not too long ago dealing with missing him and stuff." He said quietly.
"And it sucked yeah but I have to find a way to move forward, I can't stay in love with someone that I've hurt this much." I shrugged.
"If going on a date with some Dutch guy helps you feel better then go right ahead I guess." He gave up. "I just think you need to decide what you're really doing out here soon because things aren't going to be this simple for long."
"Things aren't simple at all Liam." I sighed. "I'm just trying see a way forward in my life, as much as I love Matty and would love for that to work out, it's just very unlikely at this point."
"You haven't even tried." He mumbled.
"Maybe that's for the best." I said with a weak smile.
"Okay, go on your 'not date' then." He said using air quotes with his hands.
The truth is I was trying to find any way possible to distract myself from the chaos in my head. 2 months travelling with Liam had brought me to a very sad conclusion. Why did I keep on sleeping with George even though I knew it was wrong?
Simply because there was no danger of feelings becoming involved that could hurt me in the end. I didn't have to worry about the fact that at any moment I would become attached to him in a way that would surely end badly for either of us. When feelings become involved with a situation like that, it makes things difficult for either of you to get out unscathed. George is the one person that I could end up sleeping with and it wouldn't ruin our friendship afterwards, as weird as that is to say. It just ruined things around us.
I wanted so badly to feel a connection to someone but without a shred of feelings mixed in there and it was the perfect scenario for me in that. After a year of mental torture with Matty and his addictions, it was like I was afraid to feel anything. In the end I feel so much more than before and there's no words to describe it. I would do anything to go back to that night and change my actions.
-
"This is my favourite place for wine, they have the best selection." Levi beamed at me from across the table, we were in a cute little pub near the canal. "I come here with friends a lot."
"It's really pretty." I smiled back.
"Yes." He nodded. "So tell me about yourself Alyssa, what's your story?" I stared back at him trying to think of a way to explain my life briefly without sounding too mental.
"Um, well I live in London and work for a music label." I said. "There's not much to my story really, I work and travel with a band I work for."
"So if you travel with a band then why are you out here on your own?" He asked.
"Well you can only see so much from a tour bus." I chuckled.
"I see and this band, are they your friends?" He asked further, taking a sip from his wine glass.
"Yeah, they are." I smiled. "One of my roommates is the drummer."
"Ah, a drummer is your roommate, that must be interesting." He chuckled.
"More than you would think." I laughed bitterly.
"Oh you should try this wine Alyssa, it's amazing." He said excitedly leaning over to hand me the glass. As I went to take it from his hand, mines collided with it and knocked it towards me. The wine spilled all down the front of my shirt, staining it red.
"Oh my God." I said in shock.
"I'm so sorry." Levi apologised quickly.
Matty danced around the room of the after party at the Brit Awards, his mood was on another level after winning Best British Band. Not that he hugely cared about winning the award, it was just another excuse for him to get piss drunk with his mates. When they accepted the award he seemed jittery and nervous.
"He seems very happy tonight." George nudged me, nodding to Matty as he danced to Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix.
"He does." I agreed. "I've never seen him more animated to a Little Mix song before."
"Definitely drunk then." George confirmed.
"Has to be." I chuckled. "How does it feel to be the Best British Band?" I asked him.
"Ah, it feels cool actually. I never thought we'd ever get an award like this." He beamed at me.
"You guys definitely deserve it for all the work you've done." I nodded to him.
"Thanks Alyssa and thank you for coming along, it couldn't have been easy." He gave me a sympathetic look.
"It's okay." I smiled back at him. I looked over at Matty and he spun around on the spot, pointing over at me with a grin on his face. Into You by Ariana Grande started to play.
"He's like white girl wasted." George chuckled. "And you're in for a treat tonight."
"Alyssa..." Matty called out. "Come dance with me."
"Yeah I'm not getting out of this one easily, am I?" I looked at George for help. Matty sauntered over to us, dancing a little as he did. His wine was almost spilling out of the glass due to his movements.
"I'm so into you, I can barely breathe." Matty sung at me, pointing his finger. "And all I wanna do is to fall in deep."
"Oh my God." I started to turn red, he wasn't exactly being discreet or quiet about this. He did a little spin on the spot when he got to us and grinned at me.
"Come and dance with me baby." He pleaded, grabbing my hand.
"I don't want to." I shook my head laughing.
"A little less conversation and a little more touch my body." He sung in my face. "Cause I'm so into you, into you, into you!" He got a little unstable on his feet and tripped up, spilling his wine all down the front of my dress. "Oh no."
"Matty." I groaned as the cold liquid seeped through my dress and onto my skin.
"I'm sorry." He fumbled about trying to look for help, George stood there with an amused look on his face.
"You could help me." I shot at George, he stopped laughing and nodded.
"Right yeah, I'll go get some paper towels." He said and walked off. I looked back at Matty and he gave me a sheepish look.
"I've ruined your dress." He pouted.
"Lil bit." I mumbled.
I picked up a napkin and tried to dry myself off as much as I possibly could. My cream shirt was now a light shade of pink. The memory was floating around my head, making my hands shake a little as I dabbed at the stain. "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to be so clumsy."
"It's okay, don't worry about it." I shot back quickly.
"Really I'm sorry." I shook my head in protest.
"It's okay." I repeated and gave him an apologetic smile. I couldn't shake the feeling afterwards though. "Look it's not a big deal but I'm gonna go back to my hotel. Thank you for the lovely evening though."
"Are you sure?" Levi looked at me disappointed.
"Yeah. I appreciated this a lot." I gave him a small smile. "It was really nice to meet you though."
"Do you want me to walk you to your hotel?" He offered.
"Nah, it's not far from here but thank you." I refused. I didn't want to be around anyone now, I just needed to be alone.
"Well it was lovely to meet you, good luck on your travels." He smiled at me.
"See you around." I got up from the chair I was sitting on and left the pub as quickly as I could. The second I got outside I burst into tears, it was like a riverbank exploding down my face. Something about that memory really hurt me. The way Matty was that night, it was one of the few times in the past year where things were surprisingly good.
I miss him.
-
Matty
I scrolled through my phone as I sat in Ross's flat waiting for the guys to decide what we were getting for food tonight. The amount of pointless things I would see on my social media was boring me to no end but I couldn't stop looking. I couldn't stop checking her fucking Instagram and Twitter to see if she was alive. None of us had even heard from her in 2 months now. It was like I was becoming obsessed with trying to work out where she was.
I wasn't over it, I wasn't even over her. I just wanted to fucking work this shit out. I found it in me to somehow forgive George for it all for the sake of the band. I didn't want them to suffer for his mistake, somehow I learned to let it go. As much as it still hurts me to think about.
"So are you back with Nessa or not?" Ross looked over at George.
"Kinda." He mumbled as he looked at his phone.
"What do you mean kinda?" Adam piped up.
"Well we've been talking a bit recently, she doesn't hate me half as much anymore." He said finally looking up at us. "We met up a few times for drinks and like it's going well."
"Why did you two even break-up anyway?" Ross asked.
"She said she needed some space to work out what she was doing with her life, that going back and forth on tours to see me was becoming difficult for her." He shrugged.
"It does kinda put a strain on your relationship at times." I spoke up. Everyone looked at me with sympathy in their eyes. "Look guys I've been in enough of them, I'm not directly talking about Alyssa."
"Yeah." Adam said quietly. "So pizza?" He changed the subject.
"Pizza is fine." I mumbled and looked back down at my phone on my endless search for nothing.
"Cool, I'll order some now." Ross agreed. He got up and left the room, presumably to order the pizza. Adam jumped up and followed him.
"You still trying to find her?" George spoke up. I looked at him and shrugged.
"Why would I?" I shot back defensively, he rolled his eyes.
"Cause I know you have been." He said softly.
"Well it doesn't mean I still am, I'm not bothered anymore." I lied.
"I know where she is." He said firmly.
"Where?" I asked quickly, mentally scolding myself for being too fucking eager.
"Thought you weren't bothered?" He smirked at me.
"Fuck off George." I said bitterly.
"She was in Amsterdam this weekend." He told me finally.
"How did you find that out?" I furrowed my eyebrows at him.
"Liam posted a picture of them together, so I assume she's with him on her travels." George explained.
"I didn't even think to check Liam's socials." I felt so stupid in the moment but honestly why would I think to check her brother for answers.
"She looks happy at least." George smiled.
"Glad to hear it." I said bitterly.
"Why don't you try reaching out to Liam?" George suggested.
"And say what? 'Hey Liam I know your sister has run away to avoid her mistakes with me but could you tell her to contact me so I can personally go off at her and possibly try and beg her to come back'" I said sarcastically.
"Might work." He shrugged.
"Yeah I'm not grovelling to her brother when she's the one who should be coming to me for some form of forgiveness." I said.
"Suit yourself." George grinned.
"Don't look at me like that." I groaned.
"Well you need to work out what the fuck you want mate. If you don't care as much then why do you keep looking her up and trying to find out where she is?" He asked. "I think you're fighting within yourself to work out if you forgive her for this so before you keep up this mad search, work that one out." George was right but I can't figure out how I feel until I see her in person. That's the bottom line.
"Maybe." I mumbled.
-
Alyssa
"So where to after Germany sis?" Liam asked me. I looked over at him and shrugged.
"I dunno." I replied. "What about Denmark?"
"What's in Denmark?" He raised any eyebrow at me.
"Dunno but we will find out when we get there." I chuckled.
"Denmark it is." I nodded. Liam's phone lit up with a notification, I glanced at it and saw it was a tweet from The 1975. He grabbed his phone and looked at it. "You still have their tweet notifications on?"
"I still like their music Alyssa." He rolled his eyes. "They've released a new song." He looked up at me.
"Have they?" I raised my eyebrows at him.
"Yeah." He nodded. After a few seconds he started playing it.
It took me about 3 seconds to realise what song it was and my heart dropped instantly. Milk. "Oh no." I whispered.
"What is it?" Liam asked me confused.
"Do you still have George's number?" I demanded. He looked at me even more confused. "Liam do you have it?"
"Yeah why?" He nodded.
"Give me it now please." I asked frantically.
"Sure." He went through his phone and then started to read out the number for me as I quickly typed it into my phone. "I don't get what the big deal is with this song?"
"It doesn't matter right now, I'll explain in a few." I said as I walked over to the balcony and went outside. The phone rung a few times before he finally answered. "Hello?" George's voice sounded confused.
"George why the fuck did you guys just released Milk?" I demanded.
"Alyssa!?!" He said loudly.
"Answer the question." I said bluntly.
"We didn't think it was a big deal anymore." He said quickly. "Is it?"
"A bit yeah." I panicked a little. "Is this Matty getting back at me?" I asked. There were some voices in the background.
"Wait is that Alyssa?" Matty's came through the speaker clearly.
"Yeah." George mumbled.
"Let me talk to her." Matty demanded.
"Alyssa, Matty wants to talk to you." George told me.
"I don't want to talk to him." My voice choked up a little, panicking even more. Did he do this to get my attention or something.
"She doesn't want to talk mate." George said to Matty I presume.
"George gimme the phone." Matty demanded.
"She said she doesn't want to talk." George's voice felt more distant. There was some fumbling and it sounded as though the phone was being moved around a lot.
"Just give me it George!" Matty's voice got louder and more frantic.
"NO!" George called out. I closed my eyes and pulled the phone away from my ear and ended the call. This was a nightmare..
-
Matty
"George just let me talk to her for a second." I begged as I wrestled him to the floor, trying to grab the phone out of his hand.
"If she says she doesn't wanna talk then respect her wishes right now." George shot back.
"I just need to talk to her." I was getting more desperate, reaching further to grab his phone. He tried to push me off his back but I held onto him by his shoulder, trying so hard to climb further up his body to grab the phone.
I finally got it from his hand and jumped to my feet quickly. "You're gonna push her away by doing this." George warned me, staring up.
"Shut up." I shot at him. I put the phone to my ear. "Alyssa, listen to me." I said quickly. There was no sound on the other end and I frowned, pulling the phone back and that's when I noticed she hung up. I glared at the screen and tried to call back. She didn't pick up though.
"See what I mean." George said as he got to his feet and stretched out. He grabbed his phone from my hands. "If you push her too far, she's going to freak out."
"Well I just wanted to speak to her." I groaned.
"And she clearly didn't want to talk to you yet so why demand it?" George gave me a stern look. "She probably thinks you're gonna go mental at her and is scared."
"This is fucking bullshit." I huffed.
"Just give it time." George said reassuringly. "If she contacts me again I'll try and talk to her properly." I gave him a thankful look but a bigger part of me was angry that she phoned him. It didn't sit well with me.