AM I YOURS? // MATTY HEALY.

Things were so much simpler when I didn't know Alyssa.

Matty

It wasn't fair. Alyssa was the one who hurt me, who betrayed me yet wouldn't fucking face me. She ran away and the second I got a chance to talk to her, she refused. How was that fair? Don't I at least deserve that? Why the fuck is she punishing me for her mistake? And what frustrates me even more is the fact that I'm actively seeking her out when it should be the other way around.

Maybe it's time to face the reality that I've been avoiding. Alyssa doesn't love me anymore. I don't think she has for awhile now and everything over the past 6 months has indicated towards that fact. Yet somehow my head can't accept it.

The biggest lesson I learned in therapy was to forgive myself for the mistakes that I made. To let go of the anger that held me back from giving up the drugs before now. That lesson burned into my head beyond just my own issues. I was learning to forgive everyone around me for the simple things. What Alyssa did wasn't simple though, it wasn't a little fuck up that can be wiped away with a simple conversation.

So why do I so desperately want to see her?

I picked up my phone and looked at the contact for Liam once again. This was my last resort to contact her. I know that Liam would try and convince her to talk to me if I asked. That kid has always been in my corner in this relationship. It was a shitty move on my part but I was desperate now.

My finger hovered over the call button, feeling nervous suddenly. What if he tells me to fuck off and leave her alone. WHY AM I NERVOUS ABOUT THIS? It's not right. I quickly hit call and waited. The dial tone made me more nervous every time it rung out. "Hello?" Liam's voice came through the speaker loudly.

"Hey mate, I know this is a bit weird and all but can you please get Alyssa to call me." I just went straight to the point.

"I've tried Matty." Liam sighed.

"Why is she avoiding me?" I asked, feeling pretty defeated again.

"I don't think she's actively avoiding you for a specific reason, I think she's just avoiding the inevitable argument that is to come between you two." Liam said quietly. "She knows she fucked up so badly and it's really messed up her head, that's why we're doing this trip right now."

"Is it helping?" I closed my eyes, rubbing my hand over my tired eyes.

"I don't know honestly, she's just doing her own thing right now." Liam said.

"I just need to speak to her, that's all." I said defeated.

"Look Matty I'll do my best, I'll try and get her to call you but I can't promise you anything." Liam told me.

"Thank you mate, hope you're doing good." I said with a little bit of happiness returning to my voice.

"Cheers, you too." He replied. We hung up the call and I stared at my phone.

What now?

-

Alyssa

"I don't think talking to him would be a good idea at this point." I shrugged.

"Why though?" Liam frowned.

"Because it's done Liam." I said softly. "I don't think going back to him and begging for all of this to be forgiven would be a good idea."

"Can you honestly say you are able to let go at this point?" He asked me.

"Not entirely but I know this is for the best." I put my head in my hands, leaning my elbows on the table. We were in a cafe somewhere in Rome. It was a beautiful morning and everything seemed to feel alive around us, except me. "We just keep hurting each other and it's not right anymore."