"I have lived eighty years of life and know nothing for it, but to be resigned and tell myself that flies are born to be eaten by spiders and man to be devoured by sorrow." - Voltaire, French writer and historian.
-One year ago-
It's the first day of school and Maggie's first day as a grade seven on the bus. I can tell she's nervous. She loops her arm through mine and keeps her head down, staring at the seat in front of us as the bus drives over a bump.
"I hate people," she says. We never have anybody over, our own mom doesn't seem to like us, and she has no friends because she's shy and kids are assholes - of course she hates people.
"Me too," I admit. They're mean, unintelligent, and travel in packs. The real question is: who would like them?
"Do you think I'll make friends?" She asks.
I doubt it given I know everyone that goes here and they fucking suck, but I guess there could be some new grade seven that's overly nice and tries to be her friend.
"Of course," I lie.
I don't think she'll make a lot of friends if any, but if anyone lays a finger on her they're dead. I'll get Dallas to beat them up and I'll finish them off when they're weak and can't fight me off.
Speaking of Dallas he just got in the seat ahead of us.
"Hey Mags," he said enthusiastically, "Are you excited for your first day?"
"Not really," she shakes her head. I internally groan at her honestly. Honesty and bluntness gets you nowhere at our age, she has to lie and say she can't wait for the day to start - fake it til' you make it.
"I bet you'll do fine," he assures her. "Besides, in a few years Wyatt, Easton, and Jack will be here and you can hang out with them."
A few years until she actually has friends doesn't sound very encouraging to boost her spirits. He's horrible at this.
"I just don't want to be here," she sighs. Her attitude is horrible and I don't see how she'll ever make it through elementary school.
"Nobody does," I shrug, trying to make this seem normal. It's not normal, though, because her absolute hatred and fear of other people goes beyond normal and she most likely needs therapy.
I guess everyone could use therapy, though, so it's not like she's alone.
"I want us all to go home," she fidgets in her spot. "We can go to Dallas's and be homeschooled."
"I'm sure his mom would love to homeschool kids that aren't even hers," I joke. April is great and loves us like we're her own but dropped out of high school in grade ten to have Dallas. I'm sure she'd rather have another set of triplets than try to teach us calculus.
"You'll be okay," I promise. "I'm sure nothing bad will happen."
-Present day-
I hear a lot about how 'certain people come into your life for a reason.' That everyone brings you something - love, friendship, kindness, a blessing - but I don't see how some grade eight asshole coming into my sister's life to fuck it up is reasonable. The only good thing that could possibly come out of this would be if Maggie grew a backbone and started to stand up for herself but that clearly isn't happening any time soon.
The saying is bullshit.
The school letting Malakai come back is bullshit, too.
Malakai comes back to school today. He should have been expelled, put in juvie, or something worse somehow. The mere fact that his presence will be in the building makes my stomach churn.
Maybe I can pull the fire alarm so everyone has to evacuate and we can avoid this all and come back another day.
I don't want anything or anyone to cause physical or emotional damage to Maggie and Malakai seems to do both.
I told Maggie not to go to school today but she's insisting ongoing. I'm baffled - what kind of bullied eighth grader wants to go to school? She says it's because one of her teachers is bringing snacks for her class. I'm not convinced that that's a good enough reason, but perhaps she will be protected from Malakai because the teachers are now aware of the situation. Maybe I can convince myself that there isn't much to worry about.
Unless Ms. Thompson is a useless bitch again, which I'm sure she will be. Hopefully she keeps an eye on things but I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't.
She hardly even noticed when Maggie was beaten to a pulp by the boy, so my faith in Ms. Thompson is very little.
Despite all of the precautions the school said they would take, something in my gut is telling me that I should have let her stay home.
On the bus, Maggie rests her head on the seat in front of us and sleeps. It's an hour long bus ride so if she wants to sleep then she can and I'll just wake her up when we arrive. She didn't get enough sleep last night, anyway, because she wanted to get her math homework done for today... I'm sure mom wasn't thrilled to come home to her awake.
"Hey," I say to Dallas as he settles into his regular seat. I'm not sure why I'm calling to him seeing as he hasn't been making an effort to talk to me.
"Hi," Dallas greets me. I notice Harper isn't with him today. He must be sick.
"Where's Harper?" I ask.
"Taking a mental health day," he shrugs.
"Oh," I hope he's okay and not drowning himself in illegal substances.
"You shouldn't be hanging around with him," he says.
"You shouldn't be telling me what to do when you've been ignoring me for two weeks," I snap at him.
I may need anger management.
"I didn't think you would want to see me," he sighs.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because I agreed to marry Stella," he flinched at his own words.
"And?" I don't understand what that has to do with our friendship.
"And I think we both know that if it's going to work out between us than you and I can't talk anymore."
"Stella wouldn't want that," I say. Stella probably just wants everyone to get along so that her life can be perfect. "Stella likes me, you're just being an ass."
"I like you, too," he pauses. "That's the problem. I won't talk to you again after this, it's not worth it if you don't like me back."
"We're friends," I remind him. "Of course I like you."
"We aren't friends, Rose," Dallas states. "We never were in my eyes."
He turns away from me and ignores me for the rest of the ride.
***
I remember the moments leading up to what happened very clearly. Galloway wanted us outside again because sunlight is good for us and he preaches that shit like he's in church. He told us that sunlight gives us colour, it gives us warmth, and it gives us vitamins. It's healthy for you and it makes you happy. Maybe I'd care more about sunlight that day if Maggie weren't attacked by a boy who's suspension was over.
I remember Stella stretching out her legs in front of her, her smile on full display as we chatted. She told me about Dallas and how well he's been treating her lately. I told her that I wouldn't know because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She was upset. She didn't know what was happening. She told me she'd talk to him.
Little did I know that after today talking to him wouldn't matter. Nothing would.
I remember that not long after Stella said that, a bug whispered in my ear. It was urgent - telling me to look for Maggie. To help her with something. I didn't want to listen to it. I killed it instead. Why did I kill it?
I saw Maggie - she wasn't very far away from my class. I could just make out Malakai's face as he approached her, screaming.
"I was suspended because of you!" He yelled at her. "I was grounded because of you, beaten by my own parents, my friends aren't talking to me, and my phone was smashed. You never talk, huh? I guess that doesn't apply when someone messes with you. You ruined my life!"
"I'm sorry-"
"Sorry doesn't cut it!" The boy screeched.
Everyone was looking at them - the eighth-graders, my biology class, the teachers. Some people were looking out the school windows to see the drama unfold.
"I'm teaching a class," Mr. Galloway said calmly. Calm. He wouldn't be calm in a minute. "Please figure out your problems during your own times."
"I just had the worst two weeks of my life!" Malakai continued. I almost got up but Stella had put her hand on my elbow, stopping me. I should have ignored it. I should have tackled him to the ground and kicked him until he bled. He should have been the one that got hurt. "And now... now I'm taking yours."
A few people seemed to know what was happening before I did. I remember their shocked faces, the look of terror, one of them screamed, and another started to run. Panic struck me even before I knew what was happening, and before I knew it Malakai had taken a knife out from his pants and stabbed Maggie in the stomach.
"MAGGIE!" A strangled scream came from my throat. She was on the ground, her body jerking, blood gushing from her abdomen.
I was calling her name. She doesn't answer. She wasn't answering because she can't talk. She can't talk because a blade had just gone through her stomach. I was trying to find the right word to use about the situation but I couldn't form a coherent thought. The only thing going through my mind was death.
Dying.
Maggie was dying.
Stella has grabbed me, lifting me from the ground, and dragging me away from the scene. People were everywhere, running and screaming, scared for their lives and scarred from the image my sister shaking on the ground, dying. Dying.
I tried to fight against Stella. I did. I tried so hard to get out of her grip. She was too strong.
I know that my ears were ringing by the time we got to the parking lot. I don't know Stella said when he put me in her car. She was crying, hysterical, and tried to buckle me in. She failed, locked the doors, and sped away from the school. Away from Maggie.
***
I currently sit in the hospital telling a policeman everything that I could comprehend from the day and the things leading up to the event. They thank me and tell me they've called my mother.
Mom isn't here and I'm not sure she's going to show up. I guess there's no point in her showing up seeing as she can't change the fact that Maggie is in intensive care. It would be nice, though, if the woman would show up, however. Part of me thinks it's almost too much to ask of her seeing as she's clearly incompetent and doesn't give a shit about us.
I don't blame Stella for wanting to get out of there - it was the logical thing to do, a kid pulled out a knife and attacked another student, she probably feared for our safety.
The thing is, she left Maggie there.
Stella holds me as I rock back and forth in the waiting room. One chair is big enough to hold the both of us but it's squishing us together - I guess that's not too bad seeing as we're already wrapped in each other. People are looking at me. No doubt they all heard about what happened at school today from the news and are pitying me.
Pity.
I don't need their pity.
I need a lot of other things, though. I need to not worry about whether or not there's food at home. I need stable parents and a mother that shows up in the hospital when her daughter was stabbed. I need Maggie to be okay.
"I'm so sorry," Stella repeats over and over, as if those words mean anything and will somehow make things better. My sister is dying in the intensive care unit due to being attacked by a mad little boy.
Maggie's dying.
Dying dying dying.
She's dying and I can't do anything about it.