I sat in my usual spot after school. I figured my dad would be late due to all of the traffic trying to get back after the road closure. I pulled out my Literature anthology and decided to get started on the poetry unit we had been assigned this morning.
I hated being in traditional English. The teacher had no passion for what she taught plus we were always doing work out of the book. I turned the pages aimlessly hoping to find some comfort in distraction but nothing worked. I just couldn't shake the feeling of guilt that had harbored inside for the past six hours. It wasn't making me anxious. It wasn't upsetting. It was the oddest feeling I've ever felt.
"So I heard you had a rough night," announced a distant voice.
I looked over my shoulder to see Tess standing a few feet away. She walked over and took a seat on the bench opposite of me.
"Theo's home. My mom made sure to take him. She didn't want him riding in the weather we've been having. Are you okay?" she asked.
I shrugged weakly. "It's weird. He was really angry last night and my mom was understanding, but now she sees a whole new person. He's not just Theo anymore. Then Dexter is acting all awkward about it. I mean we were supposed to end up together. That was what was always expected. I don't know. I'm just super tired and I cannot wait to be home for the weekend."
"Theo mentioned that you had admitted to doing it with him," she emphasized the it.
I chuckled. "Wow. He can't keep anything to himself."
"I'm his twin. It comes with the territory," she tried to joke.
"We did, but now everything is going to shit. Dexter thinks I'm hung up on Theo and Theo is now permanently scarred knowing that I slept with Dex. I don't even really know how I'm feeling exactly. I'm upset. I'm anxious. I'm tired. I'm even angry. Everything has become so overwhelming that it's suddenly gone completely numb. Numb to the point where I don't even think pain makes a difference right now."
"Is he coming to get you again today?" she asked trying to change the conversation.
"No," I answered shortly as I pulled my legs up onto the bench to sit cross legged.
She sighed weakly. "Are you still hung up on Theo?"
"What?" I laughed as I played with my pen.
"Do you still have feelings for my brother?" she rephrased the question.
I shrugged again. "I think that's kind of obvious. I mean we didn't date long, but he was still my first boyfriend. He was one of the only people who knew about my situation at the time. Plus I considered you a friend so I guess it was normal for me? I seem to always draw in brothers, but that has proven to be a horrible quality."
She snorted out a laugh. "A yes or no would have worked, Lauren."
"Either way, I can't go back to seeing Theo. He and I did not mix well. We were nothing but toxic when together. I'm trying to do the right thing, but he's making it really hard. I'm comfortable with Dex. Dex tries to protect me and sometimes that can be annoying, but he's doing the best he can."
"Yeah," she agreed, "I feel the same about Henry. I was obsessed for so long that I didn't realize the person he's always been. He made some comments about my mom and brother that I didn't appreciate."
"I'm sorry, Tess," I now felt guilty about being a horrible friend. It had been all about me the past few weeks that she's literally been swept under the carpet.
She chuckled. "It's fine. I'll probably meet someone in college and we'll end up being together for the rest of our lives."
I could barely get myself to think about tomorrow. I was not ready to imagine the rest of my life.
"Yeah," I agreed awkwardly.
Was Dexter thinking about the rest of his life? He was in college. He's done his fair share of dating. I had never thought about it in that sense. A couple more years and he would be the exact same age my parents were when they got married and had Will.
Snap. Snap. Snap. Nothing.
"Are you okay, Ren?" she asked.
I looked up at her and nodded in agreement. I hadn't realized that I had become focused on my snapping.
"I'm just a little cold. I have no clue when my dad will be here. He was coming down from New York and my mom's busy with Billy so I really don't want to make a big fuss," I explained, "Actually can we go to yours? I can just have my dad meet us there. It's better than sitting outside in this weather."
"Yeah," she smiled with a little less concern in her expression.
"Great," I said as I pulled out my phone.
I sent a text to my dad letting him know that I was going to Tess' house because of the weather. I added the address to the end of the text so he would know where to go.
If I got clean once...I can do it again.
"Mom, Theo," called Tess as we walked into the house and hung up our jackets in the hallway.
"Mom went to go get dinner," called back Theo as he peeked out from his room upstairs, "You guys just missed her."
"Ren's staying for a little while until her dad can get back from New York. We'll be in my room," she made clear as I fixed my book bag over my shoulder.
I heard his bedroom door slam shut and she rolled her eyes.
"Are you hungry?" she asked as she led the way to the kitchen.
"Not really," I lied as she collected diet soda and chips.
She took the back set of stairs up to the second floor. I followed her quietly and she pushed the door open allowing me in first. I set my bag down on the floor and she tossed her things onto her bed as she got her snacks open.
"How are you liking normal Lit?" she asked as she took a seat beside her food.
I shook my head no.
"It is absolutely awful. We're studying poetry. If you want to call it studying. We talk about literary terms, do the morning journal, and then on to book work," I chuckled as she began to eat chips.
I could be sick from the smell that was wafting from the bag.
"You're more than welcome to do it for me," I joked pointing at the anthology, "It's a breeze compared to what your mom gives as assignments."
She shook her head no. "No thanks."
"Tess is everything okay?" I asked realizing she hadn't bothered to stop eating to even respond to my comment.
Now that I looked at her she did look heavier from before break.
"Fine," she laughed, "Why?"
"Nothing. You just seem preoccupied by something," I lied knowing the last thing Tess needed to hear was that she was getting fat.
"Early admissions will be sent out this month so I am a little worried about that," she admitted and I nodded.
"I wouldn't know," I said as I tucked my hair back.
Snap. Snap.
"Do you mind if I use your restroom?" I asked and she pointed towards the door at the opposite end of the room, "Thanks."
I left her browsing through the Literature Anthology. I locked the door behind me and dry heaved into the sink. I couldn't do this. I had to let this go. I don't know and that shouldn't bother me.
It's out of my control.
Something had caught my attention through the medicine cabinet mirror. It was a second door. I looked over at it to realize that the door most likely led to Theo's bedroom. I double checked to make sure I had locked the door to Tess' room and then quietly pushed through the other.
Theo looked up from whatever he had been working on at his desk and over at me.
"Other side, Lauren," he said assuming I had walked into the wrong door.
I took a deep breath. "I know."
He tossed his pencil onto the desk and then turned in his chair so he faced me.
"Then what are you doing in here?" he asked as he folded his arms in front of his chest.
"Did you apply to schools?" I questioned as I looked down at my shaking hands.
"My mom made me apply to a few. I don't think I plan on attending any of them though. I sent in a portfolio to an art school in California, but that is definitely a long shot. Why?"
I shook my head no. "Just curious."
"That cannot be the reason why you came into my room through the bathroom," he replied as he noticed me tugging on my hair tie.
"Do you still have that envelope?" I practically blurted out at him as I looked up from my hands to make eye contact.
He got up from his chair and reached behind the desk. It took a few moments, but sure enough he had the small white envelope in his hand. He took a seat back in the chair before holding the envelope out in front of him.
I was conflicted. I needed it, but I didn't want to fall back. I didn't want to have to start over. My nails dug into my palms. I hoped that the pain from that released the need I was feeling, but nothing.
I stopped once. I can stop again. Just one. That's all I need.
"Well?" asked Theo interrupting my train of thought, "My sister's going to suspect something. I suggest you take them and go back."
"She's busy," I whispered as I walked over and took the envelope from him, "Thanks."
He nodded in welcome, but I couldn't find the energy to move.
Theo wasn't looking at his future. He was still trying to figure out the now. He understood. He's dealt with this and he knows. He's not like Dexter who's trying to fix something that doesn't necessarily need fixing. Dexter had a plan. He was normal.
A knock came against the other door in the bathroom.
"Lauren?" I could faintly hear Tess call.
I practically ran to the door and cleared my throat.
"I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute," I said.
"Your dad will be here in about fifteen minutes. He just texted you," she replied.
"Okay. Be out in a second."
I heard her walk away from the door giving me a few minutes. I practically slammed into a now standing Theo when I walked back into his room.
"Hi," he chuckled quietly as I looked up at him.
I used my free hand to reach for his cheek and pulled him in for a kiss. We made out for a few minutes before I pulled away.
"He's in Stamford tonight," I whispered trying to make sure his sister wouldn't hear us, "I'll leave the back door unarmed. Bring these."
I shoved the envelope back into his hand and quickly slipped back into the bathroom. I composed myself slightly before walking back out into Tess' bedroom.