Sometimes I contemplate doing crazy shit. Like crashing the vehicle when I'm driving, or something completely bizzare like that. As of this moment, as I sit in a van with JJ, Pope, John B and Kiara, I'm seriously thinking of jumping out the vehicle as John B speeds down the road. I felt trapped by all the tension. Kiara and I still weren't completely cool, and JJ had gone back to pretending I wasn't there. Or, did he even stop? Was his smile just apart of my imagination?
We stopped outside of Kildare's Hawk's Nest, which is a national park around here. It's also the meeting spot John B and Sarah agreed on. John B put the vehicle in park, but left the keys in the ignition. Pope yanked the door open, getting ready to put his feet on the ground just as John B spoke up.
"Yo, uh.. so, uh, I think I'm gonna do this one by myself," John B stuttered, his eyes not meeting any of ours. As thunder roared in the distance, we sighed, our disappointment flooding the van. Kiara rolled her eyes, giving John B an annoyed look.
"Really?" JJ huffed, fixing his hat as he sat back down.
"What?"
"Nothin', brother."
"Look, guys, I don't want to spook Sarah with the peanut gallery," John B reasoned.
"I just still don't understand why we're involving her at all," Kiara grumbled, a frown on her face as she looked at John B.
"Kie, we're not involving her, okay?" John B stressed, sighing as he explained. "It's-it's just a business meeting.."
I watched as Pope stifled a laugh while looking at JJ. I quickly glanced to see what JJ was doing, and sure enough, he was pretending to give whatever he had in his hand a blowjob. I snickered, turning my attention back to John B.
"Look, once we get what we need, we cut her loose, alright? Plus, we need the map."
"Promise me nothing is happening between the two of you," Kiara demanded sternly.
"Kie, you know he can't do that," I muttered, but she ignored me, her stare still fixated on John B.
"Fine! Nothing's happening, Kie."
"John B, I'm serious! This isn't about you, and this isn't about us. This is about her. Dude, she's gonna get inside your head. Just promise me nothing's happening between you guys."
John B huffed, trying to make eye contact with Kie as he said, "I promise."
"That was really believable," JJ stated sarcastically. I started to clap, applauding his performance and fuelling JJ's sarcastic comment. "A hundred percent believable," Pope added.
"Anyway," John B said, rolling his eyes. "I'm gonna take care of business."
"You're gonna take care of it so well," JJ commented, his voice low and suggestive.
"We'll be here," Pope muttered. "In this hot ass car. While it's lightning."
John B didn't reply. He shut the door, leaving the four of us alone. I leaned my head against the window, hating the silence that fell upon us.
How did I end up here, with two out of my four friends not talking to me? Oh, yeah. I chewed up JJ's feelings and accused Kie of being a hypocrite. I picked up a piece of my hair, twirling it around, wishing nothing more than for JJ to tugged on it.
I looked up to see Pope staring at me, his dark eyes looking at me intensely. I smiled awkwardly, feeling the pressure of his stare, "What?"
"There's an elephant in this van," Pope announced matter-of-factly . "And, I need you guys to fix it, because I'm being squished by it."
Kiara, JJ and I looked amongst each other, waiting for someone to say something. I started to feel bad because I was the elephant in the room. I started all the problems, therefore I could at least make the first move to fix them. I sighed heavily, my eyes meeting Kiara's. "I'm sorry I called you a hypocrite and immature. You were right, I've been dealing with some shit and I took it out on you. Can we be good?"
Kiara nodded, reaching across the van to offer her pinky finger. I crossed mine with hers, binding them tight together. "It's okay, Bee. Sometimes I need people to call me on my shit, and I wouldn't want that person to be anyone else but you."
We wrapped our arms around each other, settling our dispute for good. I basked in her coconut scent, feeling my nerves calm as her hair tickled my cheek. We pulled apart from each other and smiled.
"Isn't that cute," JJ muttered, picking at a scab on his cheek. Pope clasped his hands together, his eyes darting between JJ and I. "I'm glad you found that cute because now it's time for you two to shine."
I felt a lump form in my throat as I imagined talking about what happened between JJ and I in front of Pope and Kiara. When I glanced at JJ's cold eyes, I could tell he wasn't fond of the idea either.
"Pope, there's nothing–" JJ started, but was cut off by the boy acting as if he was Dr Phil.
"I don't care. I'm kicking you both out of the van for ten minutes, so you better figure it out by the time I let you back in, or else you're not coming back in. Now, leave."
Pope's tone was hard and stern, not leaving any room for objections. Slowly and reluctantly, we scooted out of the van, one after another placing our feet on the ground and walking a couple feet from the van. Pope slammed the door, the sound drilling the last nail in my coffin.
I sighed, looking up at JJ. He still wasn't looking at me, instead his eyes were looking up at the trees. I felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment from the thought of Pope and Kiara witnessing this.
"Do you have a joint on you?" I asked, breaking the silence as smoothed out the wrinkles of my dress. His head snapped to look a me, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "When don't I?"
"Walk with me?" I suggested, but quickly added, "To smoke, of course."
He nodded hesitantly, pulling a joint and lighter from his pocket. We walked into the woods, finding ourselves in a private area off to the side. I was careful where I stepped, being cautious not to get my heels stuck.
He lit it up, putting it up to his lips and taking a puff. I watched in awe as he inhaled and exhaled smoothly. He handed it over, his fingers brushing with mine as I accepted it. He watched as I inhaled, filling my lungs with the smoke. I exhaled, sputtered as I did so. It was clear who the pothead was here.
"So," I started.
"So?"
"You've been avoiding me," I stated, looking into his eyes. It was far too dark outside to see the colour, but I could imagine the beryl colour staring back at me. Another drum roll of thunder rumbled in the distance as I looked at him.
He plucked the joint out of my hand and placed it in his mouth, balancing it between his lips. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said, the sound muffled.
"I'm sure you don't," I chuckled bitterly, cracking my knuckles as he took another puff. We passed it back and forth, smoking the whole thing until it was nothing but a filter left. My chest burned, the bitter taste of weed on the tip of my tongue as he threw the remains somewhere.
I heaved a heavy breath, feeling my body temperature rise. I looked up at the trees, seeing them spin around. I furrowed my brows, feeling myself get dizzy. "JJ, why am I feeling this so quick?"
"It's some crazy shit my cousin gave me," he replied, looking up at the trees with me. So, we stood there, staring at the tip of the trees, watching as they twirled around our heads.
I gulped as I tried to find the words I wanted to say to JJ. Paranoia gnawed at my brain as I came up with different sentence starters, each one more cringe-worthy than the last. My palms felt sweaty as I panicked, my brain completely forgetting how to form a sentence. What was the alphabet again? I felt like butter in a microwave, melting away as I stood there, letting it happen.
"Winslow? Are you good?"
I snapped out of it, blinking a few times as I cleared my throat. "Yeah, uh, I wanna talk about what happened at my house. I–"
"There's nothing to talk about, Winslow," he cut me off curtly, a dismissively laugh following shortly afterward.
I narrowed my eyes, placing my hands on my hips. "No, there is. I freaked out and you kissed me, and I–"
"Forget it, Winslow. It never happened," he interrupted, pulling off his hat to aggressively pull at his hair. I felt my anger bubbling beneath my skin, begging for me to let it loose. But, as I stared at the distressed boy in front of me, I realized getting angry and throwing a fit wasn't going to make him like me.
"You really want me to forget it?"
His head jerked to look at me, his face pleading. He nodded, "I'd love for you to forget it. Let's just forget it and go back to how we use to be– me, making sexual jokes and you, enjoying them."
The tone of his words were light and humorous, but the weight of them crushed my heart, leaving me feeling empty. It felt as if I had been asked to forget my feelings, push them aside, and fake a smile. Because that's exactly what he asked me to do whether he knew it or not. But, luckily, I've been doing that since I was fourteen.
"Please, Beck."
I slowly nodded, averting my gaze from his. I ran a hand down my face as I mentally prepared to push all my feelings aside. "Uh, y-yeah, let's forget it," I whispered quietly, my voice cracking.
I cleared my throat, playing it cool as JJ spoke up. "Are.. we good to go back now?"
I nodded once again, not trusting my words. He offered his hand, and stubbornly, I rejected it, opting to walk ahead with my arms crossed around my torso. To keep me warm, or to comfort myself, I didn't know, but I just needed someone to hold me. Who better than myself?
As I walked towards the van, I chuckled bitterly to myself. It seemed as if I got what was coming my way. Rejection. When I got closer to the van, I waited for JJ, who jogged to catch up to me. I took a deep breath and plastered a fake smile on my face.
Hopefully, Pope wouldn't ask any questions, because I don't know if I could keep myself from falling apart if he did.
Author's Note:
EEEK. don't hate me. just love me for loving drama. I love you guys enjoyed :) don't forget to vote & comment
xx Juno