ESA20
"Lumayo ka nga!" pilit ko siyang tinutulak palayo saakin dahil kanina pa siya dikit ng dikit.
"I wanna stay close to my girlfriend."
I rolled my eyes while I listened with his kaartehan. Kanina pa siya tuwang tuwa sa pagbigkas noon.Pilit niya ako hinihila sa kanyang bisig pero paulit-ulit ko din siyang tinutulak palayo.
"I'm sick, Heze. Baka mahawa ka pa." paalala ko sa kanya.
Umayos siya ng upo saaking tabi habang nakabalot pa din ako ng comforter at nakahiga sa kanyang kama. Siya naman ang nakasandal ngayon sa headboard habang ang kanyang mukha ay nakaharap saakin.
"Okay, let's just talk."
I closed my eyes while feeling an intense surge of headaches. I groaned when I felt like my head is spinning and stealing my breath. Fuck.
"Hey..."
"Wait," I whispered as I put my arms on the top of my head like the pressure I'm giving is enough to make my dizziness stop.
Umahon ako sa pagkakahiga habang umaasang mawawala kapag naiba ang posisyon ko.
"Santh."
Ilang minuto ang hinintay ko upang mawala ang hilo ko. Saglit-saglit lang naman ito.
"Okay na." I opened my eyes and turned to him.
Nawala na ang pagkakasandal niya sa headboard. Nakaharap siya saakin at halata ang pagiging alerto at pag aalala sa kanyang mukha.
"Let's go to the hospital."
Kumunot ang noo ko at bahagyang tumawa.
"Normal lang 'to. Kumalma ka nga dyan."
He looks stressed while staring at me. Mukhang kanina pa nagtitimpi sa kakulitan ko. Ang akin lang, there's no need to be admitted because of simple flu. Pahinga lang kailangan nito.
"Gusto mo makipag- usap diba?"
Tinanggal ko ang pagkakabalot ko sa comforter dahil naiinitan na ako. Hindi ko maintindihan sa katawa ko. Kanina ang ginaw-ginaw tapos ngayon naman ang init!
He touch my forehead, akala ko hahawakan niya lang ulit ngunit parang may hinaplos siya sa gilid ng aking noo.
"You're sweating."
I nodded and remove the hoodie that I'm wearing.
"Ang init nga eh."
"Don't you wanna change into more comfortable clothes?"
"May mahihiram ba ako sayo?"
"Of course."
I groaned. "Your shorts are too big for me!"
"At least you won't be on these tight jeans, it looks uncomfortable..."
Tumayo siya mula sa kama at binuksan muli ang air-con. He went to his walk-in-closet and came out with a towel in his hand, a new shirt, and shorts. He sat again in front of me and softly wipe my sweat in the face. Ganon din ang ginawa niya saaking leeg.
I watch him do that for me. It felt like a long time ago when he was this close to me. I'm missing him even if he's just right here.
"Talikod." utos niya.
Tahimik akong sumunod sa kanya. I felt his hand enter my shirt so he could dry my sweat too in my back.
Pagkatapos ay binigay niya saakin ang damit niyang bago. I stood up to change in his comfort room. Inalalayan niya ako sa pagtayo.
"Pwede namang dito ka nalang magpalit..."
Nilingon ko siya at sinamaan siya ng tingin. He smirked at me.
"Dream on!"
"Yeah... I'll get that dream someday."
The fuck?
"Bastos!"
"Ano naman? Girlfriend naman kita." iyon ang huli kong narinig bago ko sinarado ang pinto sa banyo.
Mabilis ang tibok ng puso at sumandal ako sa saradong pinto.
Lahat ng pangyayari ngayon araw ay biglaan at isang malaking hakbang palayo sa bagay na ilang taon ko ding pinag isipan ng malalim at binuo. This one insane day made me a little braver from those of the past days and years that it doesn't come across me what could be the next?
I was in an intimate relationship before. And I will never deny that I am a little intimate with Heze even before. We hold hands, hug each other, stay too close with just a small distance.
But I never imagine myself moving out of that 'a little intimate' relationship with him to step up.
It feels awkward.
Because he's my best friend.
Fuck. My best friend is now my boyfriend.
What am I suppose to do?
I groaned. Nagpalit ako ng damit bago lumabas ulit. His eyes immediately found me when I opened the door. Para bang mula ng nawala ako sa paningin niya hanggang bumalik ay doon lang siya nakakatitig.
Umupo ako sa gilid niya habang nakaupo siya sa right side ng kama, kung saan ko siya iniwan.
He touched my forehead again when I sat down. Napangiti ako. Hindi siya mapakali dahil bawat oras yata ay tinitignan niya.
"What do you want to ask?" tanong ko.
We are not able to finish our 21 questions game awhile ago but I know that he still has a lot of questions in his mind.
Gumalaw ang parte ng kama na kinauupuan namin noong gumalaw siya. He adjusted his position and sat in the middle of the bed while pulling me so I could fully enter.
Nag indian seat ako sa harap niya at kinuha ang kanyang unan para mayakap. Ayoko na humiga ulit baka mahilo nanaman ako.
My headache is bearable, dizziness is not.
"Come closer." hila niya saakin. "I missed you so damn much." saad niya at mas lalo pa akong hinila sa kanya hanggang sa halos nakapatong na ang hita ko sa kanyang hita.
"Sinong may kasalanan?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Ikaw." sagot niya habang hinihila pa din ako.
Ano ba ito? Bakit ayaw tumigil! Ano bang posisyon ang gusto nya? Mamaya nasa hita niya na ako eh!
Pero ano daw? Ako?
"Ako pa huh?" Singhal ko. "Ako ba lumayo?"
He sighed as he parted his legs. Muli niya akong hinila sa gitna ng kanyang mga binti habang nakalagay saaking bewang ang kanyang kamay. Tinaas niya ang dalawa kong binti upang ilagay sa taas ng kanan niyang binti.
He pulled the pillow I was hugging in an attempt to steal it pero hindi ko iyon binitawan.
"Ako nalang yakapin mo..." ungot niya.
I blushed. Damn, masasanay ba ako sa ganito?
"Baka mahawa ka."
"Ayos lang..."
Ngumiwi ako at tinulak ang ulo niyang papalapit na saakin.
"Abot please." turo ko sa tissue kong malapit sa kanya. He looked at where am I pointing and immediately gave it to me.
"Bakit di ka pumasok?" tanong ko habang muling nasa ilong ang tissue.
"Kakauwi ko lang kaninang madaling araw. I'm suppose to go to work this afternoon but..."
"I came?"
Ngumiti siya at inayos ang ilang buhok kong nasa mukha, nahulog na sa ngayon ay maluwag ko nang messy bun. He put it in the back of my ear.
"This is my best day..."
Tumaas ang kilay ko sa kanya. Unti- unti akong nangalay sa pwesto ko dahil wala akong masandalan. I leaned my side on his chest for support. I saw him smirk and place me better on him.
"Is it?"
"Ah-huh. Minus the crying part and flu, though..."
"So you spent your whole night with Ara?" nakasimangot kong tanong.
Sa totoo lang, wala namang ginagawang masama saakin si Ara. I just hate her... I don't know.
Hinampas ko siya ng hawak kong unan noong makita ko ang kanyang ngisi.
"You're enjoying this huh?" binawi ko ang unan at akmang lalayo na sa kanya noong hinila niya ako muli papalapit at mas lalong hinigpitan ang hawak saaking bewang upang mapanatili ako.
He chuckled.
"I'm in Cavite with her for business. Malakas lang ang ulan kaya nagpalipas kami ng gabi doon."
"You told me you'll fetch her." masama kong tingin sa kanya.
Nagsisinungaling ba siya?
"Yup, nasiraan sila ng driver niya on the way to the meeting place... I have to go get them."
Tinitigan ko siya ng mariin. Hindi niya sinubukang bawiin ang tingin saakin na para bang may pinapatunayan.
"Are you telling the truth?"
Naramdaman ko ang kanyang paghila saakin at ang paglapit ng mukha niya saaking mukha. He sniffed on my hair.
"Shall we call her?"
Lumayo ako sa kanya at sinamaan siya ng tingin.
"At bakit?!"
"We'll ask. Para di ka na magduda."
"No!"
He laughed. I don't know what is there to be funny but he laughed. Parang noong mga nakaraang araw lang sobrang damot niya sa tawa niya saakin tapos ngayon naman, kahit walang nakakatawa ay tumatawa.
"Okay, no. Come back here please." masuyo niyang saad.
Para akong tutang sumunod sa kanya dahil sa lambing ng kanyang boses. I leaned my side on him again and he embrace me with a side hug.
Napapikit ako habang nakasandal sa kanyang balikat ang gilid ng aking ulo. Parang nagbubunyi ang mga emosyon saaking puso sa tuluyan nilang pagkawala sa kalungan. They are giving me warmth and happiness that if only I know could be this amazing... should have never been this late.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
Nananatiling nakapikit ang aking mata.
"Did I hurt you so much?"
Binuksan ko ang aking mata noong naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ng kanyang dibdib. Humiwalay ako sa kanya upang makita kung ano ang ginagawa niya.
He has a little smile on his face. It didn't reach his eyes.
"I'd take the pain again for another day like this."
Tinaas ko ang aking kamay at hinaplos ang kanyang pisngi habang tinititigan siya. I can see how his eyes followed mine but I traced every small detail of his face. Hinayaan kong magpahinga ang aking kamay sa kanyang balikat habang dahan-dahan kong hinanap ang kanyang mata.
"Why?" paos niyang tanong.
Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya.
"Because I don't wanna lose you. Paano kapag narealize mo na ayaw mo na? Paano kapag bigla nalang nawala? What if we will end too like others? What if we fall in love with someone else? Paano kung hindi palayo tayo?"
I bared him my worries and my fear who kept me strong in holding him off, in holding myself away every time I feel like loving him.
His jaw clenched. "Paano kung tayo?"
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
"You don't understand." I breath hard and tried to move a little away from him but just like what he did every time, he pulled me again.
"You're the only one left to me. I can watch everything fall apart, fade and go away from my life but not you..." I clenched my fist hard on the pillow resting on my legs.
Ramdam ko nanaman ang nagbabadya kong luha. Hanggang kailan ba ako iiyak? Kailan ba ito matatapos?
"And if having this kind of relationship with you can ruin us forever..." Tumulo ang luha ko at umiling sa kanya. "I don't want it anymore."
That is what I believed before. But today, I realized I can never do anything to what will happen tomorrow and the next days but I can do something today...
Ganito ko na mamahalin ang sarili ko ngayon. I will choose today before tomorrow. I will be happy today so that I won't look back with regrets.
Kung siya man sa huli, masasabi kong tama ang desisyon at tapang na binigay ko at paulit-ulit akong magpapasalamat para sa pagdating ng araw na ito at kung hindi...salamat rin para sa aral at magagandang araw.
"Why did you just look on the negative side huh?"
Ngumiti ako at hinaplos ang kanyang nag iigting na panga.
"That's why I'm here..." I whispered. Malayang tumulo ang luha ko habang nakangiti.
"Because I saw the other side..."
Because I finally understood that no matter how many times I step away, all the roads I will take will lead me back to you.
Nagulat ako noong mabilis niya akong hinila sa kanyang bisig at niyakap ng sobrang higpit na tila kahit anong pwersa at lakas na kanyang ibigay ay makakawala pa rin ako.
"How was it?"
"It's like this." bulong ko habang hinahaplos ang kanyang braso.
"Warm, peaceful, bright, and happy. I'm sorry I took so long." napakagat ako ng labi noong pumiyok ang aking tinig.
I felt his light kisses on my forehead. It was all sweet and careful. It made me feel like I'm in the safest place on earth. That where I am now is exactly where I should be.
My decision is just right.
"As long as you're here now," I felt his nose trace the side of my face until his lips found my ears. "The wait doesn't matter."
Kinilabutan ako dahil sa kanyang malambing na bulong saakin tenga habang ang labi niya ay marahang dumidikit dito.
"If..." I breathe deep. "If this will end lik－"
He squeezed my arm. Inalis niya ang yakap niya saakin at hinarap ako sa kanya. He held my cheeks with his hand and guide it so that I could face him.
"Stop! Stop saying that!" he sternly commanded me.
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang lamig ng kanyang kamay sa mainit kong balat. I wanted to complain because it feels so cold but he looks serious right now.
"We'll make this work. We won't break."
"Heze..."
"You are only for me, baby..." he said like he is sure of the future we can never know what looks like.
Muli akong nawala sa kanyang mga mata habang paulit-ulit na namumutawi saaking isipan ang kanyang sinasabi.
Even if he said believe so, we cannot be sure of what will happen that's why we constantly fear what the future can bring. But right now, I finally became sure of one thing.
That even if this will end, I will never regret being in the exact position I am right now.
Lost in his wonderful and harsh pair of gray eyes.