SEBASTIAN TAPS THE steering wheel to the beat of the Christmas song on the radio. He's driving with one hand, the other intertwined with mine. I tried not looking at him too much, but his sharp jawline was illuminated by the moonlight, his eyes focused on the road. He looked devastatingly stunning.
He glances over at me and I blush softly, turning my head to look out the window. "Where are we going again?" I ask, still blushing from him catching me staring.
"You ask too many questions," Sebastian mumbles, shooting me a grin. I roll my eyes and focus on the sound of his singing instead, sighing contentedly.
In no time at all we've arrived at a place so decked out in Christmas lights I can't even make out the main attraction. I squint hard as I try to force my eyes to focus on the scene ahead of me, the sounds of laughter and happy squeals reaching up through the car even as we park. Sebastian parks the car and I finally get an eyeful of what's in front of me.
There's a wide circle filled with people ice skating, smiling at each other in spite of the cold. I turn to Sebastian who's grinning like a little kid. "Ice skating," I spew, surprise welling up in my voice. "How did you know I—?"
"Well, I know you're from Maine where it actually gets cold," Sebastian starts, giving me a bashful look. "I asked Robyn to confirm but I figured it'd be nice. Give you a taste of of something you used to love. Is this okay?"
I scoff. "Of course! I loved ice skating back in Maine. I used to go with my school every winter. This is awesome, Sebastian, thank you!"
He smiles again and mumbles out an embarrassed "you're welcome" as I jump out of the car, eager to start skating. He follows me up to the booth to get my shoes, slapping down the money quickly. I frown. "You're not skating?" I ask as I notice he hadn't informed the teller what size skates he needed.
"I can't," he mumbles. "Malibu, born and raised, remember?"
I roll my eyes and turn to look at him fully. "If I can learn to surf, you can learn to skate." I turn back to the teller and grin. "One more please. Thirteens."
"How do you know my shoe size?" Sebastian asks incredulously, raising his eyebrows.
"Let's not worry about that," I mumble as the man hands us both of our skates. I grab his hand and drag him to the small locker room area to put on our skates. When we're done I stand up excitedly, huffing out a breath of cold air. "Well, come on! The ice isn't getting any colder."
Sebastian inhales sharply, placing his hands on his knees. "This isn't going to be good, Brayls."
"Come on! This is my Christmas present! You have to do it with me," I argue. Sebastian looks up at me and then slowly stands, slipping a bit on the wet floors. I grab his forearm to keep him from falling as a rare blush fills up his face. I fight back a laugh as he straightens up, glowering at me.
"This isn't your only Christmas present, by the way," Sebastian mumbles through his embarrassment. "This is only part one."
I smile up at him. "You spoil me, Sebastian Grey."
"You deserve it," he whispers back and then turns his head away from me. I get the feeling he's not entirely used yet to saying how he feels. So I reach up and hold his cheeks in my hand, bringing his lips down to mine. He's surprised for a second but then quickly responds, digging his hands into my jacket and pulling me closer to him. Sebastian kisses me slowly but passionately, the cold tip of his nose brushing against my cheek.
I pull back from the kiss and point a finger at his chest. "Making out can wait. 'Cause we're going ice skating!"
I grab his hand pull him onto the rink, staring up at the beautiful Christmas lights that were hovering above us, illuminating the night. Sebastian watches me and I give him a bright smile. "I think this might be the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me," I whisper, letting go of his hands to skate around a bit.
He struggles to keep his balance as I spin circles around him, laughing. "I know, I know. I'm the best boyfriend ever. But when will these skating lessons begin?"
I grab his hands again. "When you stop complaining."
The next hour is spent with him still complaining until he managed to understand the basics of ice skating. Pretty soon we were able to skate together, hand in hand. I was nervous that we'd get stares, but it became evidently clear that everyone else there was focused on their night and not the two boys on a date. I liked being able to be with him like this. Not worried about what people would say about it. To everyone on the ice we were just two people they'd probably never see again.
As we slide off the ice and get out of our skates and back into our shoes, Sebastian nudges me. "What're you thinking about?"
I shrug. "Just how cool this was. Being with you in public where nobody knows us. Where we can just be ourselves."
He smiles softly, tying the strings of his sneakers. I stare at him as he leans over, his prominent jawline, the almost translucent blonde hairs that cover his neck. He looks back up at me and frowns slightly. "What?" he asks, raising a brow.
"When did you realize you were into boys?" I ask, standing up and adjusting my coat. Sebastian stands up to and then loops his arm around mine, locking his cold fingers around mine.
"I don't know," he starts as we walk out of the ice skating rink. I think we're going back to a car but he leads me a different way until we're in a shopping center, filled with dozens of stores and restaurants. It had to be close to nine now, but there were still loads of people walking around and shopping. "I think a part of me always knew. I went through typical guy stuff, of course. I crushed on girls, noticed when their boobs grew, that kind of thing.
"But I was confused for a long time, Braylen," he murmurs, eyes misty. "I knew how I was supposed to feel about boys but I just knew that I felt differently. I never told anyone about it. When I was fourteen, though, I met this guy on a spring trip in South Carolina. Cody Palmer. We still keep in touch actually; he has a boyfriend now and everything. Dustin, I think. But anyways, I guess he was my first gay kiss."
My eyes widen. "Really?"
He nods. "Yeah. Totally awful. His braces nicked my lip and I got blood all over his shirt. We laughed about it, though and I realized it's okay to like boys. It's okay for me to feel what I feel. I have spent my entire life hating who I am, Brayls. And I just knew I didn't want to add my sexuality to the list of things I despise about myself. So I let it go."
"Let it go?" I repeat.
Sebastian squeezes my hand once. "Yeah. There's no use trying to control who I am. I'm always going to be who I am. Nobody and nothing is gonna change that."
I bite on my bottom lip. "Besides the braces thing...was Cody a good kisser?"
To my surprise, Sebastian throws his head back in laughter. "As good as a kid can be. But you're better. In every way."
I smile too and he finally stops in front of a candy shop. We walk in and both grab the little bags, filling them up with heaps and heaps of candy. He gets mostly gumdrops and sour candy while I stick to chocolate and my personal favorite, peppermints. Minutes later we're back in the cold, munching on candy and talking quietly. "Was the dinner okay today? I know you weren't expecting to spend it with anybody," I mumble as I lean next to him for more warmth.
Sebastian shrugs. "Felt kind of nice. Being around you guys and being able to be myself. You're lucky."
I swallow a bite of one of his sour candies and sigh as we start the route back to his car. "What? You didn't have fun?" Sebastian teases as he unlocks the car doors. He pulls my door open and I climb into the heat eagerly, watching as he crosses over to the drivers seat.
"Of course I had fun. Just wish we could hang out a little longer," I mumble and then shake off the temporary sadness. "So that must've been part two of my Christmas gift, right? The candy and window shopping."
"Yup," he says with a toothy grin. "And here's part three." Sebastian reaches into the backseat and pulls out a brown journal, the cover encrusted with a floral pattern and a button to lock it. I smile widely, grabbing the journal from him. "I would've wrapped it, but...not the best at that, either."
I smile up at him astonished and he continues. "I know it's not much but I thought you'd like it for a few reasons. I know you like to write—you have since we were little. So this is my gift to you. Can you just do something for me, though?"
I look up at him, still grinning. "Anything."
Sebastian smiles softly, eyes turning down. "Write about me. Someday."
I chuckle softly, leaning over the side of my seat to peck his lips. "Thank you, Sebastian. This is perfect. Really."
Sebastian smiles back at me and starts the car. The drive back home is spent with us talking rapidly, getting out every last feeling and thought we needed to before the night separated us. I was only seventeen, but a part of me felt like I'd had to become an adult too early on. Being with Sebastian made me feel like a kid again. It was why my heart thumped out of my chest as he put his hand on my thigh while driving. It was why my cheeks warmed when he smirked at me. I had reason to believe he felt the exact same way about me.
He stops in front of my house and I bite on my bottom lip. The lights were off. "I've got an idea," I mumble suddenly. "Park a couple houses down. I'm sneaking you in."
Sebastian gives me an incredulous look. "Is this the same Braylen who refused to say curse words until the eighth grade?"
"Hilarious," I say, flicking him off. I jump out of the car with my journal, jogging up to the front door and stepping inside. The house is quiet and I set my keys on the kitchen counter. I run upstairs and find my aunt sprawled on her bed, complete with silk pink pajamas and messy hair. She was knocked out. I grin.
Texting Sebastian to give him the OK, I speed walk back into my room quickly. I brush my teeth, making sure there's no remnants of chocolate in between them and shrug out of my clothes for a more comfortable outfit of a t-shirt and sweatpants.
There's a quick knock on my door and I pull it open, grinning. "I've got a delivery for Mr. Adams," he starts, giving me a megawatt smile. I grab the front of his shirt, pulling him into my bedroom and shutting the door behind us.
Our lips seem to find each other's naturally and pretty soon all I can seem to concentrate on is the magnetic force between our bodies and the sweet taste of his lips from the candy. Sebastian doesn't hold back as he kisses me, his mouth moving hungrily against my own. Desire pools in the pit of my stomach as I help him out of his coat, latching onto his arms for support. I felt dizzy, intoxicated, like if he didn't hold me up I was going to collapse.
A small moan erupts from the back of his throat as my fingers bunch up his shirt and in no time at all, it's on the floor. Sebastian pushes me back onto the bed softly. In the moment our lips disconnect and I'm looking into his eyes, those same blue eyes I spent eight years of my life looking into, I can see it all.
I see him and I measuring our children's height against the white walls, copying down the measurements in permanent marker. I see me getting angry with him when he doesn't kiss me immediately when he gets home from work. I see a life of no privacy, a life of family, a life of love. I see him teaching our daughter to surf and our son to drive. I see his bright smile, a bit crinkled at the edges from age, but no less beautiful. I see me loving him every single day I can until death does us part. Even then.
Sebastian's lips find mine again and gradually move their way to the base of my throat, sucking and biting until my eyes squeezed shut. I opened them a tad to find his belt buckle, wrapping my hands around it and beginning to take it off.
His weight is instantly taken off of me, the pressure of his lips removed entirely. I sit up quickly, watching as he backs away into the corner, panting heavily. He curses lowly at himself, knocking his temple with a closed fist. "I'm sorry. I thought I could...damn it, Braylen, I'm sorry."
I frown, still out of breath. "What's wrong? Did I do something or...?"
He shakes his head a few times, leaning against the wall. "It's not you, I swear. Jesus," he hisses, sliding down to the floor. Sebastian covers his face with his hands, a soft sob startling me.
I'm next to him in seconds, sitting crisscrossed in front of his crumpled figure. I wanted to touch him to let him know I was there but I wasn't sure it'd be best. So I folded my hands in my lap. "We don't...we don't have to do anything you don't want to, Sebby."
"I want to," he mumbles through his tears. "You don't know how badly I want to, Braylen. But I can't."
"Why not?" I whisper, reaching forward and grabbing his hand anyways.
Sebastian swallows hard, his Adam's Apple bobbing up and down painfully. "Robert Mackintosh."
———————————————
i missed my update day again lmao. anyways, did anyone notice the "the notes" reference? if not here's a hint: read the chapter philosophical elliot ploy !