On the first day of Magicians College, Mingxia's parens had two pieces of advice for her. "Sit in the front." In the front seat of their moto, Ma looked over, half concentrating on flying, and with the windows open, aer black silk hair levitated.
"But Ma, I like sitting in the back." Even with her own parens, some days Mingxia's voice came out small, like that of a mouse. "Shouldn't I make use of the vision improvement spells if they allow me to see from the back of the lecture hall?"
Ma landed in the parking lot far from al-Maysan, parked under the shade of thick Lillywood branches.
"That brings me to the second recommendation. Don't date in first year. You need to take the time to learn who you are. But when you do date, pick someone with glasses. Smart. You may think everyone who gets into Magicians College is smart. No. That's not right. I have met many unintelligent magicians in my long life. College exists for one reason only. Money. To make money. And to do so the college must admit who can pay. I guarantee that to you."
Nervously adjusting her animated blouse, lilacs blowing in a white breeze, Mingxia didn't point out that if a student wore glasses, she probably could not afford a vision correction spell — which both disproved Ma's theory about money and would make this potential love interest less appealing to Ma. Would Ma want her to date someone poor? Probably not.
Did Mingxia want to hear her parens say as much out loud? Probably not.
And if they admitted everyone who could pay and no one who couldn't, what were the standardized tests for?
Yet Ma was tender and when aeh reached from the driver's seat to wrap Mingxia in a hug, Mingxia felt cocooned and did not want to extend her wings and leave the protective chrysalis.
"Aren't you excited?" Ma must have asked that because aeh could feel Mingxia quivering. "Remember your breathing exercises, like Doctor Asakaze said. Take a deep breath. You will do fine. When you have a magician's license and a magician's salary, we will be able to afford the anti-anxiety spell subscription."
Mingxia didn't point out she wished she could have the spell now. Now was when she needed the medicine. So she could make friends. When she was a successful graduate and licensed magician, she would be through the hard part already. Getting the medicine spell then would be antithetical.
She didn't say that because she was busy taking deep breaths as she got out of the moto, and because she noticed that Ma chose to drive, even if they had to walk from the parking lot, even if it was a steamy early Septembris day. No cooling spells for them, no expensive link portal. As a moto mechanic, Ma had a vehicle that came with anti-grav, propulsion, and even air cooling as a company benefit.
On the steamy early Septembris day, Mingxia's Ma walked her to orientation. She held her Ma's hand. Outside al-Maysan, Mingxia didn't care if the other students saw her holding her parens' hand; she even wished she could ask Ma to pick a student to introduce her to like she used to when Mingxia had been a child on the playground.
Instead, Ma left, pulling her hand free, when all the other parens were gone. This was the part Mingxia couldn't do. The other students clustered in the courtyard under al-Maysan, waiting for the portal to let them into the library hall, and every cluster felt impenetrable. Backs to her. No way into any of the circles. What do you say to someone you don't know?
She had friends, yet every single one of them had sat down next to her and just started to talk. Now, as if she were at a school dance and standing by yourself was infinitely worse than not dancing, life outside the circles got worse with each passing second.
Shifting her weight as if to dare her legs to move, she observed from many feet away, and what started off as moths in her belly as she dared herself to walk into a circle and say hello turned to little jolts of static and panic.
All through primary she would deal with such situations by sitting down and hiding in a book — yet no one else was sitting doing their own thing now, and besides, she hadn't bought her books yet. Ma said to check the used book store on campus first.
She encouraged herself to leave the chrysalis, thinking, It's okay. Just join one of the little circles of friends. No one will even notice you. Yet those static jolts got worse. Wading in among them, looking from group to group, she tried not to let them see she was looking, tried not to look desperate. She was feeling desperate. She didn't want them to notice her. Notice she was alone.
She did not want to be seen.
And just as she was wondering how it was even possible that she was the only loner, a hand tapped her on the shoulder, and she turned to look into the eyes of a student wearing a purple sash reading "Orientation Leader" with animated letters that transformed along a gradient from white to gold.
"Oh hello, I must have missed you, Novus. I'm Canción. You were supposed to be put into an orientation group, were you a little late?"
Mingxia and Ma had perhaps been a little late, had perhaps been saying goodbye, had perhaps missed some instructions, but before Mingxia could answer, Canción had asked another question, "What's your name?" and she was looking over a Stellar register, and before Mingxia could answer that, the whole Stellar flashed multiple times, which seemed to mean something to Canción, because she said, "Ah, portal's open! Time to get to orientation proceedings!" Amazingly, she started to turn away, and only tossed back to Mingxia as if in an afterthought, "Come find me after if you want contact info for an orientation peer group!"
What. She didn't really know what that meant. Was it a requirement? Maybe she should join a peer group . . . it might help.
But she was late. Would she have to call each member of the group and introduce herself? That thought brought on a panic of its own. Why oh why had she been late, missed the instructions? Why her?
Yet a small part of her felt relieved now — because when the portal opened, it brought such relief. The circles formed into a mass that Mingxia fell into just like anyone else.
As they queued, no one could see she was alone. As she walked through the link, single file, and fell into the weightlessness of al-Maysan library as if dipping into a pool, she was just like any other swimmer wading in. As the audience of new students formed, as a mass, around Maestra Alondra that first day, who welcomed them to Magicians College (an amethyst purple ceremonial robe drifting around her in the anti-grav space), Mingxia swam to the back, and felt not alone. She was one of the crowd. Safe among the anonymity of the crowd.
That day, when she looked back, would feel like a failure.
For months living off campus, Mingxia reveled in sitting in the back of lecture halls. First to the exit, she would run straight to Ma's moto when she finished class for the day. On occasion, she would think back to that first day, and sense her own failing at how she had spent the entire orientation hovering in the back of the crowd, not saying hello to anyone, not making any friends.
She felt a failing, as if she had survived her first day, and she was coping with her social anxiety disorder and impenetrable mute silence, yet she wasn't at her best, wasn't prospering. She had survived, but was she living?
She never did get the contact info for a peer group from Canción. Occasionally when she was up nights, it came into her mind, and added to her pile of worries was wondering whether she would get in trouble for that. Was it on them, that she hadn't been included? Or was it on her for doing nothing about it?
For months Ma drove her to campus in the morning, and she attended lectures, scored high on tests, mastered spellcasting, didn't talk to anyone and sat in the back row and lied about it. From the passenger seat, she told Ma, "I can't wait for you to meet my friends Amafu and Inyanga. You will love Amafu's sense of humor. She's so funny. I think Inyanga will be top of the class."
Mingxia knew this not from sitting anywhere near the two in lectures, but because in the tutorial for Practical Spellcasting 101, she had been placed in their group.
Too nervous to add a single thing to the discussion, which was moderated by Canción for a teaching credit, the only time the electric moths in Mingxia's belly would calm the stars down was when Amafu made the whole group laugh out loud, or Inyanga said something so next level brilliant Mingxia felt as if she were swept away to a cerebral future.
On day one Amafu had quipped, "Isn't it ironic that the tutorial for Practical Spellcasting is just us sitting in a circle talking and doing nothing at all practical?"
She kept 'em coming, and killed Mingxia, but even though she felt a kinship, she couldn't make eye contact, and even though she laughed, she had to look away as if she didn't want Amafu to know she thought she was cool.
When Inyanga had one of her brilliant moments of foresight, Mingxia tried her best to look into the girl's eye contact — she was a great speaker who always caught the eye of every person in the circle — and smile. Later she would worry she had been smiling maniacally, no one else made that much of a show of nodding and smiling along. Yet that expression was the only way Mingxia had to show she liked and admired Inyanga.
The others had their voices. They could reply, say, "That's a brilliant conclusion, girl," and use an intonation that expressed approval.
Mingxia was mute. She had never spoken in tutorial. Part of her worried Canción must have no idea of what her name was. Attendance in tutorials was not taken, it was not mandatory to attend. They were adults and would-be magicians, if they wanted to learn, it was on them. However, there was a participation grade worth XX percent of the final mark. And if Canción didn't know her name, how could she give her anything but a zero in participation? Even if she did manage to contribute something?
It would be so simple to introduce herself, joke about being too shy to do it on day one, just say hello to Canción and I wanted you to know I'm Mingxia. Yet she was mute.
Mingxia's Star continues! Thanks for reading. Please leave a star for me if you liked this chapter.