The songs I add before a chapter hint to the feelings and messages that will rise within it. It gives my characters a real voice. It brings them to life. All songs will be provided! :) And the playlist is on spotify!
S O N G F O R C H A P T E R : "Hearing"
B Y : Sleeping At Last
Where am I?
There seems to be no ending nor begging to where I am. I'm lying on my back, so that proves that there has to be a floor. I roll over expecting pain due to what I just went through, but am met with nothing. No feeling. Nothing. I rub my hands together but can't even feel the skin to skin contact. My mind starts running in circles.
How did I get here? What happened? Where's Corban? The last thought makes me cringe. I never want to turn into one of those girls whose sole purpose is their lover. Yet still, I wanted to know where he was and if he was okay. I couldn't help the feeling. But I want him near.
I stand up to my feet, looking around. Maybe something will be different... Nope.
White.
Clean, crisp, all white... Bright.
Looking around, I begin to walk in what I determined to be straight. The locket around my neck starts to burn. I grasp on to the painful feeling as a sense of reality. But it's too hot. I let out a yelp as it began to melt off my neck.
"Fuck," I mutter and go to my knees where the liquid metal seeps into the... floor? Nothing but the picture remains. I snatch the photo of my family and I and hold onto it for dear life. I can't feel anything again.
I stand back up, looking around. I rub my thumb on the photo of my past life as I gaze down to it. Then just like it happened with the locket, it began to burn. I held onto it tight, refusing to let this go. But it started to burn. "Dammit," I mutter as it turns to nothing but ashes. I rub my hands on my pants.
I hadn't even noticed my apparel. It fits perfectly, I guess. White pants, but they only reach to just below my knee and a white T-shirt. My hair is down, but in almost unnaturally beautiful waves, my feet are bare. The ashes that were on my hands left no trace on the pristine pants that I wore.
Odd.
I looked around, I sat down in criss-cross applesauce fashion and picked at my nails, every now and then looking up. I guess I was waiting for the next event to happen. First, the locket melting, the photo burning, what's next? Is my hair going to evaporate? I scoffed out loud. Yeah right.
I've been sitting for what feels like hours left to me and my thoughts and nothing else. Is this some kind of torture? I went over the situation leading up to this over and over again in my head, but nothing connected.
Corban and his family. Daniel, rogues, I was a badass, Corban and I got into a fight, I went for a run to blow off steam, I saw something... no someone. A bat. It was definitely the build of a man. But who? The accident, I got hurt, bad. Corban again, then... this. But how?! Am I in a coma back in the real world, and this is my subconscious? Well, someone better wake me the fuck up. I huff in annoyance. Then something yet again starts to happen.
Wind.
And lots of it. It makes me lose my sitting stance, and I brace my arms behind me in an attempt to stay put. I fail... miserably. I'm knocked over, then traveling at what seems to be a hundred miles per hour. I don't think I'm on the floor anymore. I'm in the air. I don't scream. Until the sensation of falling straight down clouds my thoughts. Then I scream. I land... hard. I let out a groan and turn, so I'm lying on my back. The neck thing I am met with baffles me.
Matty.
At least I think it's him. He's older. Not the young Matt I knew growing up. No, it's him the freckle just above his right eye is a dead give away and god those light brown eyes, and dirty blonde hair. He's standing at my feet. Looking down at me with a smile.
"Hey, Timber." My hand goes straight to cover my mouth at the nickname.
"Matty?" My voice cracked. He nodded his head. I went straight for his arms. Wrapping my arms around him. I hold onto him like he's the only thing keeping me to ground.
"Now, I don't want to go back." I Let out a forced chuckle. He shakes his head.
"It's not your time yet." I let out a frustrated breath. Tears threaten to fall, but I don't let them.
"I know," I whisper. Matt pulls back from my arms and moves a stray hair out of my face. His touch is soft. I relish in it. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and lean my head on his broad chest. Whoa... muscles. I lean back and put my hands on his chest.
"Wow, you've been working out in the afterlife." I laugh. "Scrawny little boy no more." I laugh. His face morphs from gentle to accusing in a second. The shift takes me off guard, and I take a step back.
"It's your fault, you know." He says dangerously low. My brows furrow.
"I... What?" He looks down for a second then back to me, his eyes holding so much anger that I almost fear him.
"It's your fault I died." I shake my head. No. No, it's not. I tried to stop him. He nods his head, though.
"It was always your fault. Whenever we got in trouble, it was always because of you." He shakes his head angrily and lets out a harsh laugh that holds no humor.
"If you never came into my life... I would still be alive. I wouldn't have had to die just a little kid by an explosion. I could have had a life." He scowls.
"Matty... I, I tried to tell you-" He cuts me off.
"Riight, I forgot. Nothing can ever be your fault. Well news flash, everything actually is. I could still be alive! Do you know how much it hurt! God, it felt like everything that I'm made up of was turning to lava. I wouldn't have had to go through that if not for you." I turn around, taking deep, slow breaths.
"This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real," I whisper over and over again. Matt comes up behind me.
"Yes. It. Is. And it's your fault." I begin to walk away from him. I have to get away from him. This can't be how I remember him last. He yells after me and starts to chase me.
"I hate you, Ember! I always did! I stayed out of pity. No one else liked you, not even your family liked you!" I bring my hands to cover my ears, shaking my head.
"It's not real, it's not real, it's not real." I turn around to see Matt. His face is morphed into one of pain. I take a step towards him but stop in my tracks.
His skin starts to blister. Just like it did the day the radiation came. He looks up to me in pain, then blisters forming on his skin. Tears are in his eyes.
"This happened because of you." He mutters, shaking his head. His skin then starts to burn. As if his body was on fire, but there are no flames.
"I died..." He pauses and lets out a scream of pain. "Because... of... you!" He falls to his knees. My eyes are wide. I can't look away. Small tears begin to fall.
"It's your... FAULT!" then he disappears. I fall to my knees, letting out a small cry. I focus on my breaths. Quickly looking up to make sure he is, in fact, gone, I notice that the crisp whiteness of the place I'm in has tampered. Now blood is splattered sporadically around the area, still though it is endless. I hug my knees and try to calm myself.
"It's not your fault Ember. It wasn't. Matt loved you not out of pity... it wasn't... it...Oh god..." I cry and bend over, rocking back and forth.
"It's my fault." I cry. Then the wind picks up again. I begin to panic what if it takes me back to Matt? He hates me. He always hated me. I feel the sensation of falling once again, then landing.
The sight that I now see makes me cry out.
My mom.
My brother.
She looks up to me, tears in her eyes, and opens her arms. I let out a cry and run into them. A mother's hug is something special. Nothing but caring and love pours from them. I cry into her shoulder, shaking my head.
"Shh, I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. You're okay." I let out a cry.
"It was my fault, mom." I cry, my form trembling. She shakes her head.
"Just breathe, Ember. In, then out." I nod and follow her instructions. I look to my left to see my older brother. Josiah. He sends me a small smile.
"Don't cry, sis." He joins the hug, and that only makes me cry harder. "whatever it is, it's going to be okay. We're here, and we won't let anybody hurt you. It's okay. You're okay."
"He said he hated me." I cry. My mom pulls back a smile on her face as she gently wipes my tears away.
"Oh, darling." She cooes. "who wouldn't?" My face falls.
"Mom..." She lets out a laugh.
"Trouble follows you like the plague." Josiah looks over to me, disgust was written across his face.
"I would still be alive if you would have just fucking listened and stayed put. You're so god damn selfish for letting people lay down their lives for you." I recoil from my mother's touch shaking my head.
"Not again... not with them..." I mutter, shaking my head.
"You are a mistake, and that is all you will ever be." She sneers.
"No. No, this isn't you! This isn't who you are, you loved me!" I yell tears falling down my cheeks. They both laugh like I just said the funniest thing ever.
"Loved you?! Don't be ridiculous. No one in the entire town loved you. Everyone saw you as a waste of space... a problem that needed to be taken care of. Nothing more than trash."
"Stop! You don't mean that!"
"Oh, honey... I have never been more truthful. I don't know how the hell you got here, but hell, I'm happy you did because now you know. You are not important to anyone. You. Don't Matter. To ANYONE."
"Stop it!" I cry, covering my ears and running away from them. I have no direction in where I'm going, but I have to get away. I can't take this, I can't have the memory of them tainted. I don't want to believe what they're saying, but the more I hear, the more I do. I can't help it. My mother is screaming insults at me as she and my brother chase after me. I'm sobbing at this point.
"This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real." I chant over and over again like it's the writing in the most respected Bible, book, Torah, whatever sacred texts are out there. My mother and Brother vanish, just as Matt did. The area is now darker, more ominous. Blood almost covers the entirety of the room, but yet still, some white remains. I shake my head, they're gone now. I am going to be okay.
"it's not real, it's not real, it's not real." I run, I run until my heart can't take it and I collapse in a heap on the ground. Sobs wrack my body. Sobs because now I know the truth, and it makes sense. People die for me... and that's not right. I'm not worth their lives. My form shakes as silence surrounds me. Until one voice rings through.
A voice that sends shivers down my spine and makes me ache in fear. This is it. This is where I'm going to break.
"Hello... daughter." I shake my head remaining in my crouched position. I don't want to see him. He makes me think of terrible things, and he knows exactly how to break me.
"Still a pathetic little girl, I see." He lets out a low chuckle.
"I always knew you would amount to nothing... you don't have it in you to be... anything but ordinary." He continues to talk. I try to down him out. If I don't, my mind will kill itself. He haunted my childhood every day after my mom died. The day I lost him was the day I grew up... but now, all that I have done all that I have accomplished and survived through will mean nothing more to him than the dirt that lies underneath his feet.
Worthless.
Stupid.
A mistake.
"You've been a disappointment to the family since the day you took your pathetic first breath." He circles me.
"If you had just been better, I wouldn't have to treat you like this. It's not my fault you can't do anything right. that you don't listen, that you failed at everything I told you to do." He shakes his head as I look up to him from my crouched position.
"I do this because you deserve it. You deserve all the bad this world has to offer." I shake my head, tucking it down. He's right. I know he's right. I call myself a fighter, but when the time comes, I fail. I can't do anything, how the hell can I be a fighter? A fighter wouldn't put up with this. They would stand up for what they believe in for what is right.
"Pathetic." My breath is knocked out from me as he sends a forceful kick to my abdomen. I roll over on my side in a fetal position clutching my stomach. Another kick, this one to my back.
"Stand the fuck up and look me in the eyes while I'm talking to you!" I'm yanked onto my feet by my hair. He knots it around his hand, maneuvering me in whichever way he pleases.
"Such a disappointment." With that, he releases my hair, and I crumble to the ground, silent sobs coming out of my body. Maybe this is hell. An endless train of misery that I get for all the bad I have done. All the innocents I killed and all those who died for a pathetic human girl like me.
The room is now a dark crimson. It no longer appears endless and is clearly a room. Blood drips from the walls and covers the floor. My pristine white outfit matches the room now extremely dirty and tattered. I don't know what is to come, but I hope it stays away because I can't handle another...
"Little one. what has become of you?" Tears fell down my cheeks.
Collet.
Not her too. I stand up blankly, staring her down. The woman who saved my life is now going to beat me to pieces.
"Don't act like you don't already know." I merely whisper not having the courage or willpower to talk any louder.
"You failed in something?" I shake my head with a laugh.
"I fail in everything I do. No matter how hard I try, in the end, someone will always end up disappointed." She says nothing but cocks her head.
"There have been worse disappointments than you." I let out a laugh void of any humor.
"Thanks for the compliment." A wicked smile spreads across her face, and she cocks her head at an odd angle. She looks back at me, then up, then down. The aurora around her is eerie.
"There's someone I would like you to meet, Ember, meet... Ember." I look up and find an exact copy of me. She looks exactly like me... she is me. Collet looks between the two of us with a sick smile.
"I'll let you catch up." Then she walks away.
The girl Collet says is Ember shakes her head. "Always an attention whore." She mutters.
"Can you ever just let someone else have their spot? It's always about you, which let's be honest... is fucking boring." I glare at her. She is not me.
"Why the hell do you even try anymore?" She sneers, then she looks to have a light bulb moment as a knowing smile spreads across her face.
"Oh, that's right... It's coming back to me. Does it have anything to do with a... boy?"
"Who is it again? My memory must be escaping me but maybe... someone along the lines of... Corban?" I glare at her, keeping a stoic face.
"Stop." I do not want to go there. I can't go there. Corban and I just had a fight, but I can not deny the immensely strong feeling I have towards him the way he makes me feel whole, worth it, he makes me feel loved. And I love that feeling and can not have it taken away. I'm addicted to it, I'm just scared to admit it. Though, I guess I just did.
"That's right, it is Corban. Poor guy. Stuck with a weak, pathetic human like you for a mate when he should have been paired up with somebody worth his while. Somebody who isn't afraid to get close to him. To be touched by him, to be kissed in such an intimate way by him."
"To be stuck with a girl who can not do the one thing she is meant for, the one thing that pleases every man's needs. Nope. She's too much of a pussy... Letting emotions run what you can and can't do."
"I honestly pity him." I shake my head; the constant flow of tears never ceasing.
"Stop it." I cry.
"You will never be able to make him happy. He's with you out of pity! He knows you're worthless. He knows that you'll never amount to anything. You're powerless... a waste. You let other people protect you because you can't find the courage to protect yourself!"
"You are as broken as they come."
"I SAID, STOP IT!" I scream. She's wrong! She is all wrong!
"I do try! I try my fucking hardest to be what everybody needs me to be. I Fight with my mind every second that I'm breathing! I go through the day pretending to be okay, so I'm not a burden! I try! I try so goddamn hard!
"Well, news flash little missy, you will never be anything but a burden! Your best... will never be good enough!"
"Stop!" I cry, grabbing at my hair, screaming at the top of my lungs.
"This isn't real! This isn't real! This isn't real!" I scream over and over like bloody murder. Next, Matt, My mom, dad, brother, collet, and I are surrounding me in a circle. Their screams are deafening.
"Pathetic!"
"Stupid!"
"Worthless!"
"Attention, whore!"
"Weak!"
"Make it stop, make it stop! God, please make it stop! Please, please! PLEASE!"
Wind encircles me. I'm being flown through the air. Their dehumanizing thoughts and voices are still clear as day in my head. I land on something hard. A room, furniture. People, I jolt up gasping for air like it's the first I breathed in years, there's a beeping sound around me. I let out a gut-wrenching sob everything seems to be crashing on top of me. Until someone's familiar voice breaks through that makes me both horrified and relieved...
"EMBER!"
I just haven't figured out which one yet.
_______________________
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