《Let's fall in love for the night
And forget in the mornin'
Play me a song that you like
You can bet I'll know every line
Let's fall in love for the night - Finneas O'Connell 》
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This morning feels a little difficult for me to survive and I've gone from feeling slightly under the weather to full-on sick. I'm laying on my bed massaging my pounding head drinking water in small intervals but every time I swallow, my throat aches. I'm hot for a second, then cold, and then hot again.
My whole body is aching, from the tips of my hair down to my toenails.
But I didn't tell Mom because she was going off to work. And basically, it was my fault that I left the house so late at night. Maybe I just caught some cold. But then it is spring. How could I possibly catch a cold?
But anyways, the housekeeper will be coming anytime sooner. I don't want to worry Mom, so I decide to stay quiet. I'm sure the cold will go away, I just took my medicine.
"Did you take your morning medicine?" Mom walks into my room, studying me as she hands me a cup of tea.
I nod. "Yes, Mom."
"Okay, take care of yourself. Maria will be here soon. And call me, if anything happens, okay?" She says, caressing my cheeks and I nod, giving her a weak smile. She then leaves my bedroom, closing the door behind her, and I sit there sipping my black tea. I don't really like black tea but it was good for my heart and had to admit, it did help the throat. A little.
For one God-awful moment, I almost gave in to the fear. I felt a little nauseous feeling in my throat that had nothing to do with the symptom of my disease but because I am slightly frightened down to my very bones for my goddamn life. I hadn't had anything like this since . . . before. I squeeze my eyes shut.
It's just a cold. Get ahold of yourself.
But now I couldn't stop my mind from going into overdrive, even as my body lays dormant. Potentially ignored warning signs flashed through my mind as I thought about the tiredness in the past few days? Taking a nap every time I was free in between my lectures at college, going to sleep quickly, and not wanting to wake up early in the morning.
I sit leaning my back against the headboard, desperately trying my best to think and about anything other than the fact that my body seemed to be turning on me. The pounding in my head is increasing.
I try telling myself I would feel better. I would. It's just cold. Just a cold. The medicines I took aren't helping me in any way either. My headache is just getting worse.
I don't move. Slowly, I lift my hand to my throat, my fingers knowing exactly what to look for. Water. I need more water. But the jug beside me is empty. My hand falls back to the bed as I stare straight ahead, terror mingling with resignation. My throat is feeling dry and sore. The headache, the body-ache, the fever were the most common symptoms. I didn't pay attention to the fatigue I had been feeling the whole week but now that I am feeling worse and I could see my life finally coming to an end, I am scared for the first time in a long time.
Shit, This is it. I am dying.
Mom hasn't left the house yet as I call for her, loud.
.
.
.
I don't know how I got into the ambulance but my eyes slowly open and close, as I see my mum sitting across me, with a blurry vision. I could see the tears rolling down her eyes.
Flashback (a few days back)
"I'm not interested in a relationship, Mom," I tell my Mom.
"Why not?"
I looked at her and gave her a sad and knowing look.
You know why.
She looked at me with desperation and said."Baby, You're not sick anymore."
But I could be at any time. I could die at any moment just like Dad right? and I don't need yet another person I care about grieving over me.
I said none of this. My mom and Paul had been worrying about me already. I didn't want to trouble them anymore.
"You're not sick, right?" she said, her voice was a little bit panicky than usual.
"No, I'm fine," I said quietly. It was the truth.
My last regular doctor's appointment had confirmed that I was still in remission.
"So then, why aren't you dating. Peter told, so many boys have asked you out but you turn down everyone." Mom argued.
I know she wanted to see me happy.
"I just don't feel like it," I whispered.
"You're not sick anymore. I just want you to start dating again and be happy."
"I am happy," I said quickly.
"No. You aren't happy. You just smile a lot, and you're still kind to everyone, but you're not happy, Rach. You want everyone to think you're living your best life but you're living a half-life because you're too scared of having no life."
"That's deep, mum. But whatever. I don't want to date anyone."
flashback ends.
............
And this is it. This is the moment I was scared of and why I didn't want to date.
I knew I was not healthy and that I could die anytime sooner. And I didn't want to drag anyone down with me. I already broke Lucas's heart and I didn't want to hurt anyone else. Not that I would actually consider dating anyone other than Lucas.
He was my first love and he would be my last. Noone in middle.
I could see the flashes of me laughing along with my mom and dad, Lucas and I playing hide and seek around our secret place, Liza playing dress-up with me, Anna feeding me with her delicious pastries, Sam and I having our sleepovers and so much more of them. But most of it included him, the way he smiled at me, the way he looked at me like I was the only one for him, the way he kissed me, the way he cared about me, everything. As if without him, I was no one.
My eyelids slowly start getting heavier by the second and then I fall into a deep sleep like the princesses fell asleep due to the poison in every fairytale. The difference is I'm not a princess and my prince is never coming back to me to kiss me awake.
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