I don't know how long we stayed silent after I talked, but I guessed we were quiet for quite a long time since the ice cream I was eating had already melted. Tawan was still silent, his half eaten cheesecake untouched. His eyes were glued to the windows revealing the cars that passed by under the moonlight.
"How long have you had it?", Tawan asked, finally breaking the silence. His eyes were still on the windows.
"Two months. It's already at the terminal stage when we found out about it."
This time, he turned towards me with a face filled with confusion.
"How come you only knew about it when it already hit the final stage?"
"I didn't know it was cancer at that time. I get back pains and nausea every now and then, but I thought it was just because I was overworking myself studying.", I said as I clasped my hands in anxiety, rubbing my thumb to stop the uneasiness.
Tawan leaned on the back rest of the chair and again stared outside.
"I don't know why you're telling this to me."
"Me too. But something tells me you're having a hard time too, and maybe sharing with you my struggle would make you feel indifferent."
he let out a sigh and stared at me again, this time his face was worried.
"But I'm not terminally ill, that's a different struggle that bears a different weight."
"You know, our failure to find the silver lining in the the struggles that we face comes from the unnecessary weighing of the hardships that we face. Suffering is subjective, and it offers a variety of melancholy just the same as happiness comes to people in different ways. I have cancer and you're heart is heavy. We both suffer, so it doesn't really differ.", I said as I pulled the best comforting smile that I could give him.
I reached out for my bag and retrieved my small notebook. I placed it on the table and grabbed Tawan's attention.
"This notebook has all the things I wanna do before I die. My doctor told me I have six months at most before the pain becomes more excruciating, so I've written down the things I wanna do before that time comes."
Tawan grabbed the notebook and scanned it, reading through the bucket list that I made. A little while after, he showed me a page where the movie ticket to last week's cinema was pasted.
"It's the first one in my bucket list that I was able to do, watch a horror movie on the big screen."
He let out a smile as I gave my explanation. It wasn't the same teasing smile that he wore when he boasted of his basketball skills--it was more genuine. I got the feeling that he's slowly revealing himself to me, and he does it unknowingly.
"You're having fun reading are you?"
Tawan immediately erased his smile and closed the notebook.
"Yeah it's funny because you still haven't experienced a lot of things.", he said as he went back to being the expressionless 18 year old that he is.
"You know, you look better when you smile. You don't have to force yourself to always act cold."
"And you look better not minding my business. Get up, let's leave. It's getting late."
"hey wait! let's take a picture first."
"not a chance."
He left the café before I even got the chance to take the picture. Slightly disappointed I followed him and got out of the café.
I had already worn my helmet when I heard Tawan say something. The helmet blocked the words from sounding clear so I really didn't hear it.
As we drove under the moonlight, I held on to his waist and enjoyed the breeze of the city of Chiang Mai.
It was already ten in the evening when we reached my place. I took off the helmet and gave it back to Tawan.
"Hey, thank you for tonight. I enjoyed the meal and conversation even though you only spoke a few times.", I said as I gave him back the helmet.
"Well, I'm going inside now. Take care on your way home Tawan."
I was already nearing the entrance when he called my name. I turned around and saw him holding his handphone.
"Can I get your number? just in case..."
"In case what?"
"In case...something happens at school.", he replied, clearly lying.
I gave him my number and made my way home. When I sat on the bed, I heard my phone beep.
"Is this really your number? reply if it is. If not, I will punch you."
I laughed at his text. He's acting cute but he doesn't really know it, does he?