*All scenes in italics are flashbacks.*
-
July 2017
Wouldn't it be wonderful if everything worked out exactly how it was planned out in your head? If only that's how the real world worked. Unfortunately Alyssa Stevens found out the hard way, be careful what you wish for because it might just come true, just not exactly how you thought it would.
How beautiful and poetic the last 2 years of her life were meant to be, nearing the age of 27 she thought things would be easier. The plan wasn't always straight forward for her, merely chopping and changing with her unstable mental health and list of traumatic experiences. Surely though it would begin to fall into place?
You would think.
Alyssa
My alarm screamed at me through the darkened room, startling me. It was 4am and as much as I knew I had to wake up, the effort it was going to take wouldn't make it easy for me. I dragged myself out of bed and ignored my phone, after silencing the alarm. I didn't want to see any messages or texts of encouragement. They wouldn't ease the anxiety building up within me.
I did the only thing that would help me through this, which in reality didn't ever really help but what else did I have at this point?
"Come on Alyssa, it won't be that bad." I looked at George unsure of what to say next, I didn't want to go out with them for New Year's Eve this year. Not after last year. And certainly not after Matty's continuous spiral downwards.
"It's just not a good idea." I sighed, running a hand through my messy hair. It wasn't a cute messy, more like 'I haven't slept in 3 days' messy.
"I know you're nervous after what happened last year but this will be different, we can toast away the weirdest year of our lives and make sure you start 2017 off with a bang." He tried to convince me, I looked at him through my tired eyes. I didn't want to risk it this year, I didn't want to risk anyone almost dying.
"Do you really think this is a good idea? You've seen the states he's been getting himself into recently, it's not gonna end well." I said softly, hoping Matty would still be in too much of a deep sleep to somehow overhear the conversation.
"I know but we can watch him closely, if things seem off then you can make him leave." George pleaded.
"You think I have the power to do that?" I was shocked at how naive George was suddenly being, I don't blame him though. I think he lives in a constant hope that somehow I'll get through to Matty and stop this downwards spiral.
"I think if you keep trying, maybe it will work." George said softly. His eyes looked tired, almost like he was losing his own will to live with the growing worries about his best friend. "He won't talk to me Alyssa, I don't know what to do anymore."
"If I knew what to do then you know I would tell you but I don't, I'm on this sinking ship too." I returned. "Going out tonight will only give him an excuse to go too far."
"But you do realise if you don't come, he's still gonna come out with us and then there won't be anyone to stop him." He frowned.
"George, I'm not his fucking mother." I shot back, suddenly feeling enraged. "I'm his girlfriend, if you can even call me that anymore."
"Don't say that." He shook his head.
"No, I will because it's the reality of it all. Do you know the last time we actually spent any time together that didn't end up with him drunk or high?" I narrowed my eyes at him, he shook his head in return. "November 2nd." I mumbled.
"Really?" He asked in shock.
"Yeah, once we got back from America I think we saw each other once before it all went to shit again. I was still a bit iffy about everything but it was nice, for once." I sighed. "Then the next time I saw him there wasn't an ounce of him in the room that screamed sober."
"I don't know what to fucking do." George put his head in his hands.
"What can we do? He still functions and does his job." I shrugged. "The only thing he's really losing here is... me." George looked up with the saddest look in his eyes.
"And you're okay with that?" He frowned.
"Of course not but like I said, I can't do anything about it and I honestly don't think he even cares at this point." I said feeling defeated.
"We will fix this, I promise you Alyssa I'm going to find a way to fucking sort him out." George tried to sound reassuring but it fell flat pretty quickly, probably because he realised himself that it was an impossible task.
I picked up the bottle of Vodka that was still sitting on the counter from last night, there was about a mouthful left so I chucked it down my throat, barely wincing from the burn. It was almost a nice little wake up call for me. Although I was probably still drunk from a few hours ago before I finally fell asleep, it didn't matter much anyway. This was just how it came to be now.
It would take everything in my power to get through this day. One that I'd be dreading for the past 2 weeks, especially since I've barely seen my friends in weeks. I took one last look around the flat, making sure I'd gotten everything I needed before I was late for my flight.
-
Glasgow isn't the most glamorous place in the world but the accents were cool. That's something I learned after the first tour I went on, which feels like a lifetime ago at this point. But alas, I was back in a city that was close enough to home but still so fucking far away. Nessa agreed to meet me at the airport, thankfully. I didn't really want to do this alone, especially since my anxiety was building up from the stories she'd told me while on tour with the guys.
Finding her in the arrivals lounge wasn't too hard, the airport wasn't the biggest. When you've flown from Heathrow more times than you've even stepped on a bus at this point, it makes any airport feel tiny. "Alyssa!" She called out the second she saw me.
I walked over to her and she engulfed me in a hug. "Hi, how are you doing?" I asked her.
"Alright, bit hungover but what's new?" She chuckled. "You look rather radiant for someone who's been up all night drinking."
"Well you see, it's hard to be hungover when you barely even sleep." I grinned back at her.
"You've not changed much, have you?" She rolled her eyes.
"You act like we've not seen each other in years, it's only been 2 weeks Ness." I laughed.
"2 weeks on a tour bus round Europe in the height of summer has the capacity to feel like 2 years." She shot back.
"Yeah you're right." I nodded. "Can we get out of here, I need a drink."
"Alcoholic or?" She raised an eyebrow at me.
"Coffee for now." I said.
"Right well let's grab a Starbucks then head on over to the festival." She nodded towards the Starbucks in the corner.
"Sounds like a plan." I grinned.
-
Matty
"Where are they?" I asked George impatiently. He looked up at me from his phone and shrugged.
"Well according to Alyssa's Instagram story they got Starbucks an hour ago." He said.
"They're taking forever." I groaned.
"You'll see her soon, what's the big rush?" George raised an eyebrow at me. Honestly there wasn't one single answer I could give him that would be suitable. The reality is that if she doesn't hurry the fuck up then I'm going to smoke myself into oblivion and won't really appreciate seeing my girlfriend for the first time in 2 weeks. But I couldn't tell him that, not after how much shit he gave me a few months ago for still using heroin. I became stealthy at hiding my use, so I couldn't tell him the truth.
"Matty?" I could hear it was George talking to me but the effort to open my eyes wasn't present at this time. I was too fucked to even try. "Mate I've been talking to you for the past hour and you've given me barely any response."
"I'm fine." I mumbled.
"Open your eyes and fucking talk then." He demanded. I scrunched up my face at his sudden tone change, he was angry at me. Again.
"Right." I sighed and tried to sit up properly, the second my eyes opened I regretted it more than anything I've ever done in my life. My head spun like a globe that a child found in their grandparents attic and went mental with it. "Happy?" I tried to focus on his face but it was a blur.
"Are you genuinely so fucked up right now that you can't even look at me?" He asked.
"No, I'm just tired." I mumbled, closing my eyes again.
"This is fucking ridiculous man, I don't even know who you are anymore. Half the time you're on a different planet and the other half you won't fucking talk to anyone." He rambled. "It's fucking exhausting to be around you." The words hurt me, I know I shouldn't be doing this anymore but I couldn't stop it. The routine was taking over my life and nothing could stop me at this point.
"I'm fine George, just leave me alone." I mumbled and threw myself back down on the couch.
"You're clearly not fine, you need to get a grip mate because everything is falling apart around you but you don't even notice it because you're so high all the time." George's voice sounded broken, like the words were cutting him up as he spoke.
"Everything's fine." I said weakly. I could hear him sigh from across the room.
"I can't keep doing this mate, I can't keep sitting here every night and watch you fade away into nothing." He whispered. "You really don't see the damage it's doing to you or your relationships with people you're meant to care about." I forced my eyes open to look at him.
"What do you mean?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.
"When was the last time you saw Alyssa?" He asked me firmly.
"Saw her last night." I shrugged.
"You haven't seen her in a month mate." He stared directly at me.
"Nah, she was here last night George." I argued. I know she was, she stayed over.
"Alyssa has been in Brighton since the start of May." George said. "None of us have seen her in a month, Jamie gave her time off to deal with some family issues."
"What's wrong with her family? Is Liam okay?" My eyes widened, how did I not know this? Why did it feel like she was here?
"He's fine. You're the issue but it's not like she could tell Jamie that." He sighed. The realisation began to sink in. I hadn't seen her in a while but he's right, I was too fucked up to even notice.
"George what's wrong with me?" I asked him, panicking a little.
"You need help." He whispered. I stared back at him, not sure what to say or do.
The door of the greenroom opened, Nessa walked in first and then Alyssa. Her eyes locked on mine instantly and I jumped to my feet and ran to her, pulling her into my arms. "You're here." I said excitedly.
"I am." She returned. I pulled back and took in her appearance. She looked happier than when I saw her last but that's probably because she hasn't had to deal with my shit.
"I'm glad you came, I know it's not exactly the most amazing place to have to come see me in but I appreciate it all the same." I told her.
"I like Glasgow, it's not bad." She smiled.
"Better now you're here though." I returned the smile. It felt like one of the few moments that we would share now that actually seemed real.
-
Alyssa
My nerves were eased the second I saw Matty and he seemed to be himself for once. I was dreading it because every day was different with him. He could go days on end without touching a thing, then the next would be a whole other story. It seemed to become more spread out though, which is something that gave me hope.
I was sitting in the greenroom with Adam, everyone else had disappeared for a bit before they were meant to go on stage. "So what's new in the world of Adam Hann?" I asked him.
"Not much really, just been touring non-stop but you know that." He shrugged.
"You excited to be done with it for a bit?" He nodded enthusiastically. "It's funny because I met you when you were so buzzing to get out and do shows again, 2 years on and you're dying for a break."
"I know, it's mental but touring takes it's toll on you." He sighed. "I love doing it but I need this time off, we'll work on new music and do whatever we need to get back into the swing of things though."
"A little time off wouldn't hurt you all." I smiled.
"I think we could all benefit from it." He mumbled, looking away.
"Is it still bad?" I asked.
"It's not as bad anymore, although I can tell he's not completely off drugs." He shrugged. "An improvement yes, but what if this is only the calm before the storm?"
"I guess we just need to wait and see." I said softly.
"Yeah, it's all we can do." He looked down at his hands. "Anyway, how have you been?"
"I'm doing okay, just been working in the office a lot while Jamie has been with you lot." I told him.
"Is it not weird to go back into the office instead of out here with us?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Kinda but in a way, it's refreshing." I smiled. "I'm doing a lot of work I never did before, Jamie has put a lot of faith in me so I'm proving my skills."
"That's good to hear." He said. The door opened and George came in looking excited.
"Time to shine Hann." He winked at him, I looked up at George and smiled.
"You seem happy." I pointed out.
"We're about to open for Biffy Clyro in front of a crowd of Scottish people, I have to be hyped or I fear they might actually kill us." He chuckled.
"Good point, Scottish people are scary." I laughed, standing up off the couch.
I followed them out of the room and through the back stage area of the festival. There were loads of people hanging around and talking. I noticed everyone was there except for Matty. "Alyssa." Nessa called me over to her, she was standing near the side of the stage.
"Nessa." I said to her in a similar tone, she chuckled at my response.
"I got you this." She handed me a pint of green liquid.
"What is this?" I asked her confused.
"It's called a venom, apparently it's a very popular cocktail in Scotland." She explained to me, I nodded and took a sip.
"It's kinda sour." I scrunched up my face. "But also nice."
"Well drink up, this is your first 75' show in months." She smirked at me. "We have to celebrate that because honestly, didn't think you'd make it to another."
"You're telling me." I rolled my eyes, as much as I wanted to keep up my laid back, jokey exterior, she was right. There was a point recently that I downright refused to even go near this band at a live show. I just hope I don't regret it.
Matty staggered past us and didn't say a word to me. I looked at Nessa with worry on my face. "It's gonna be fine." She mumbled to me. I could tell though, she knew it wasn't fine.
The set begun and Matty walked out onto the stage with his jacket slinging off one shoulder. He threw it off seconds later and approached the mic in only his trousers and shoes. 'What a shame' was painted on his stomach in capital letters. There was a feeling in my gut that this show wasn't going to be one of my favourites.
*Watch this video to help picture the scene*
With every single song that was played, his mood deteriorated. His energy fell flat and I could tell he'd been on something. I couldn't watch it properly, he was falling all over the place and screaming. After Ballad played I had to leave the side stage area. Nessa tried to come with me but I told her I needed some space, in reality I needed more alcohol.
There was no way I traveled all this way to jump back into a routine that almost broke us. I couldn't do it. I just physically couldn't watch him break away every part of his life like this and continue to throw it all away. My own mental health barely survived the last year of my life because of all this, yet I stuck around. Because I made him a promise. Yet he couldn't keep his.
And the saddest part is, I couldn't even blame him for it all. It wasn't his fault for doing it. That's what addiction does to a person.
-
Matty
I knew by the time we played A Change Of Heart that I'd fucked it. The look on people's faces told me it all. The look on Alyssa's face confirmed it when I took one look at her, that's when I told myself not to look in her direction for the rest of the set.
A mistake that would surely cost me later on, which I found out the hard way.
"Where's Alyssa?" I rushed to Nessa as soon as I got off stage. She looked at me with so much rage.
"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" She spat at me.
"Okay tell me something new please, where did she go?" I asked getting frustrated. My high was beginning to wear off now and the realisation of what I'd done started to kick in.
"I don't really know Matty, maybe you should've thought about that before you decided to dope yourself up for the one fucking show she agreed to come for." Nessa said bitterly.
"I didn't." I tried to lie but I could see from the look in her eyes she knew I was full of shit.
"Watch this performance back later and then try to say that again." She looked me up and down then walked off towards George.
I ran back to the green room and searched my bag for my phone, I needed to find out where Alyssa went. When my screen lit up I saw there was a voice mail from her. I quickly hit the call button but she didn't answer so I listened to the message.
"Matty I came here because I believed you changed, I wanted so badly to trust that things were different now but I can see that they aren't. Remember that promise I made you never to leave you in your time of need? I never broke it. But you broke your promise to me and that means something to me, I don't know what that is right now. I need some time to think, don't try and contact me until I come to you." Her voice broke when she got to the end of the message and that's when it all really hit me. That's the moment I realised that I was truly ruining everything in my life right now. And it wasn't even worth it anymore.