FAWN
"I'm here because I miss you. I don't know why you chose this other guy and what your history with him is. However, I do know about us. I know how you make me feel, and when I'm with you I feel like I can be myself. And Ami is honestly one of the coolest babies I've ever met, which is kinda weird to say. And I don't know what's going on in your life right now, but I want to be here for all of it. I want to be with you, and I'll do what it takes."
I heard the words he was saying, but it took everything in me to even come to the door. I just couldn't have that conversation.
"I'm sorry, Kevin..." I started, just above a whisper, "please leave."
******
It had been a while since I closed the door on him just to come inside and watch Something New while Ami was playing with her mobile on the floor. It was a comfort movie, and at least I could forget about how much everything sucked.
Then I heard talking outside my door. At first, I thought it was Kevin on the phone or something. But as I listened closely, I could tell that it was some other guy's voice.
They were talking about food.
He was still there?
And he was out there for so long that he decided to order himself dinner.
Wow.
******
After ignoring him for as long as I could, I finally went to open the door for him. He fell back, and I just managed to catch him and his food before they both toppled over and made a mess. Kevin looked up at me and smiled, then Ami came over and slapped his cheeks with her wet hands. It was cute, but her hands were definitely wet with saliva.
Still, Kevin smiled at her.
"Mama?!" Ami looked up at me with question, then ran back into the house. I pushed Kevin up and invited him inside. He grabbed his food, then came in and took his shoes off.
After I went to put Ami to sleep, we sat down and I was able to tell him why I was crying in the first place. He had his hand on my thigh below my shorts, which was more comforting than I thought it would've been.
"So," he started, "how did you meet Ami's birth mother?"
I just sat there and looked at him. He continued to wait, and after a few minutes shrugged. "We could also just sit here if that's what you want to do."
A small part of me did want to just sit there. Better yet, go crawl into my bed. But, more than that, I needed to tell someone that my life felt like it was going to absolute shit.
I sniffled, then sighed, "after lunch with my friends today, I met a girl I went to high school with. We weren't really close, but we were kind of friends at one point."
Kevin nodded, "okay."
"And we were talking about life, catching up. Then when I said bye and was leaving when she blurted out that she's Ami's birth mother."
Kevin took my hand, and I instinctively curled up next to him. He quite literally let me cry on his shoulder for as long as I needed to and just rubbed my back. I couldn't be sure, but in my mind I looked like a flushed baby that had just gotten sprayed with water. My collar was stretched out from me grabbing it to wipe my face, and I wasn't even wearing my cute pajamas.
Still, he made me feel like I was okay.
Once I was all out of tears, he asked quietly, "have you called your lawyers?"
I shook my head, "I held it together long enough to pick Ami up from my parents' place, feed her and put her to sleep. I don't even know how I lasted that long. I was such a wreck, I didn't want to talk to anybody."
He took a deep breath, "I'm the only person you've told?"
I looked up at him, "yeah."
Kevin stared into my eyes for a bit, then looked over at my TV. He was thinking about something. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
It didn't take me long to decide what I wanted. "Can you stay here tonight?"
******
"Is it weird that you're helping me sort through my closet," I asked him as I tossed a dress onto my bed. Kevin shook his head and smiled, "if I didn't want to be here, I'd go home."
Quickly, I turned around to keep him from seeing the huge smile on my face. I definitely wasn't winning the award for "Best Person of the Year". I was basically a cheater, regardless of how Trent and I had gotten engaged. And the fact that I'd asked Kevin to spend the night with me was not helping my case.
"Thanks for doing this by the way. I just needed to get something done, and I've been putting this off for a few weeks." I glanced over at Ami, who was sleeping soundly on the bed. "Plus, she loves my clothes, and I didn't wanna donate anything that she'd get too attached to."
Kevin put all the clothes I was getting rid of into a big bag as I looked for some clothes he could wear instead of his day clothes. Lucky for him, I frequented the men's section when shopping for casual clothing.
I grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and gave them to him. Maybe he was tired or just didn't think about it, but next thing I know he's taking off his shirt shirt right next to me. I gape at him, staring at his body. It wasn't until he pulled the t-shirt on that he noticed I was watching him.
"Sorry," I spun around, clearing my throat. In my haste to move away from him, I started to fall into my closet.
Kevin was quick, and he was able to keep me from taking half of my stuff down with me. I grabbed onto something slippery as he caught me. He brought me to my feet then, "you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, and I felt like laughing. He looked genuinely concerned, while I was still processing the fact that I basically tripped over oxygen.
Really playing up that damsel in distress angle.
As I smiled to myself, I noticed Kevin's eyes look somewhere beside me. He no longer looked worried as another emotion took over. I couldn't exactly place it, but my guess was jealously.
What did he have to be jealous of?
I looked over, and that was when I noticed that the thing I'd grabbed was my wedding dress. The dress I'd bought to get married to my fiancé, Trent.
"For a second there, I forgot you were engaged," Kevin uttered. He went over to my desk chair and sat down. My desk was on the other side of the room.
This had gone from light and pleasant to a special kind of awkward.
I finished what I needed to in my closet, alone, then took a seat on the bed. Kevin was on his phone until that point, and put it down once he noticed me looking at him. The small smile I gave him seemed to relax him a bit.
"Um-" I started.
"So-" Kevin said at the same time as me.
We both laughed, then I insisted that he say his piece.
"When's the wedding?"
This is one question I hated to be asked. I didn't like talking about the wedding. I didn't want to think about what music was going to play, or what kind of food we were serving. Partly because I didn't like it, and also because I didn't know everything that was going on. Mine and Trent's tastes didn't align, and I was so exhausted most of the time that we just went with what he wanted. Even the dress wasn't my favourite, but it looked nice.
As I thought about the whole event and what it would mean for me, I finally spoke. "I uh... I don't want to get married."
Kevin looked up at me, his expression very calm. I felt like I could see what he was thinking just by looking into his eyes. He was processing, and deciding whether or not I was full of crap.
"What do you mean," he finally questioned me.
"I don't want to get married to Trent. Not anymore. It's not just because of you, honestly. This wedding isn't really my wedding. I feel like if I let things go on like this and walk down that aisle, I'll be a walking lie... And everything that happened today has kind of woken me up. There's no way I'm raising Ami with Trent. He's not a bad guy, but he's not her dad either. I just don't see that."
I waited for Kevin to say something, but he was quiet.
With a small sigh, I told him, "I'm sorry, Kevin, for getting involved with you while I was with someone else. But I'm not sorry that it's brought us here, right now. I'm happy you're here. Really."
That was probably what he needed to hear, because within a few seconds he was standing next to me, looking down at me with his gorgeous blue eyes. Without a word, he gently touched my cheeks and planted a warm kiss on my lips. What was soft and tender quickly became fervent and hungry.
Kevin starts to lift up my shirt, but I break away from him and shake my head.
"We can't," I whispered, and then glanced over at where Ami was to make sure she was still sleeping.
He seemed to think he knew what I meant and begged the question, "is there another room-"
"No, Kevin, I mean I can't because I'm still engaged. I need... To clear my conscience before this goes any further between us. You know?"
His breathing started to slow down, and he nodded. "Do you still want me to stay?"
I touched his arm, "please."
******
I felt like I was about to ruin this café for Trent.
Well, that was if he cared about me the way he made it seem like he did. This was the same place I told him I wanted us to try and really be a couple, and yet here I was about to request the complete opposite. Somehow, I even managed to sit in the exact same booth as last time too.
Watching the door was starting to make my head hurt, and my mind then decided to think about Kevin instead. He stayed for breakfast, a breakfast that he offered to cook. Not only did he make me the best French Toast I'd ever had, he also made Ami fresh baby food from scratch. Apple and carrot sauce, her favourite.
Thinking about the satisfaction on my daughter's face as she ate breakfast brought a smile to mine. I didn't even notice Trent until he sat down in front of me.
"Someone's having a good day," he commented, which I assumed was somewhat directed at the expression on my face.
"So far," I replied, then wanted to kick myself. He probably didn't even notice it, but I made it sound like I had bad news to give. Which I did, depending on how he was going to react to it.
Trent grabbed the menu, then glanced over at my glass of water. "No matcha latte today?"
I shook my head, "I was just gonna order some water then leave the server a really nice tip."
He laughed, then continued perusing the menu, "your jokes never fail." After saying that, he chuckled a little more.
To keep him from thinking anything, I faked a laugh.
"I kinda wish I was joking..." I thought to myself.
Before he was able to order anything, I grabbed Trent's arm. If I didn't tell him before he had some food and drink in his system, I was going to sit there and watch him finish. That would've been a sad waste of both of our time.
"Fawn, what's up-"
"I don't want to get married anymore, Trent."
He laughed, "I mean, the whole point was for me to get set in my company. We agreed."
I cringed inwardly. Part of me wanted to just break up with him and leave it at that. Even when I said something this serious, his first thought was about his cushy job that he couldn't be bothered to work harder for.
"I know. But I can't do this anymore. We don't really love each other, and I need to be with someone who is going to be in it for the long haul. That's not you, Trent. Not with me."
Trent stopped smiling, and instead glanced out the window beside us. This all felt like déjà vu. "So, what? You're breaking up with me?"
I nodded.
"Is this because of that other guy," he asked.
"Other guy or not, I couldn't have done this. We don't work. And this wedding wasn't made for me. I'm not even in love with the dress. We have different goals in life, and being together wouldn't have worked out in the long run. I just can't lie to myself anymore. I can't pretend this is okay, because it's not."
He looked like he wanted to argue against me, but he kept quiet instead.
"Trent," I reached for his hand, "you know I'm right."
I thought he was going to argue with me, or tell me it was too late to back out. But instead, he just nodded. "Yeah, I know... If this is what you want, then I'm cool with it."
"Really?"
"Yeah." He picked up his coat, then scooted out of the booth.
I started to stand up, "you can stay if-"
Trent shook his head, "no, it's fine. Stay."
He turned to leave, then stopped and looked back at me, "maybe I'll see you and Ami around."
I gave him a smile, then he left.
Soon after he left, another man walked in. He was around Trent's height, but this man was carrying a briefcase. Right next to him is a woman that also has a briefcase with her. The woman spotted me, waved, then rushed over to the booth I was in. She and the man sat down in front of me, and they both shake my hand.
"It's good to see you Fawn," the man said with a professional smile.
"You too, Yusef," I returned the greeting.
The woman, Nyah, gave me a much bigger smile. She opened her briefcase, pulled out a few papers, then closed it. After taking a quick look at the menu, she turned her attention back to me.
"Shall we get started?"
I took a deep breath. If all went well, I'd be able to move on with my life and put all of this crap behind me. If not, I was about to ruin this café for myself, too. But it didn't matter, because what I had to do now was fight for my kid.
"Hell yes."
*********