"I never got to tell them how I could feel their love every time they kissed my forehead or whenever they hugged me. And for the longest time, I blamed myself for it. Hell, I still do sometimes. There were times after it happened that I'd see them in my dreams. And sometimes, I'd see them standing across from me," I said after the few minutes of silence.
"How'd you get through it?" he asked.
I sniffled and wiped away a few more tears.
"Hershel and the rest of his family, my family, helped me through it. I have a small indication of what you're going through, Rick. I just want you to know that I'm here to help you. We're all here to help you," I said.
"I know," he said.
"So then let us help you," I said.
He sighed.
"The thing is, I think this is something that I have to deal with on my own. I know I still have Carl and Judith to think about but if I don't get to the bottom of this, I'll never be able to rest," he said.
I could hear the agony in his voice. I sniffled again and patted his back.
"I get it. Just promise, you'll at least attempt to get a few hours of sleep," I said, standing up.
He smirked.
"I'll try. Now you better head back inside. You've been through enough these past couple of days. Tell everyone I'm doing my best to get back to myself again," he said.
"You got it. Night, Rick," I said.
"Night, Kari. It's real good to have you back," he said.
Before I left I knelt down and gave him a hug.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"For keeping my family safe. If it wasn't for you and Daryl and the rest of your group... our group, I don't even want to know what the outcome would have been. Speaking of which, where's T-Dog? I haven't seen him since I got here. Did he make it off the farm?" I asked.
Rick looked down and I knew I had to sit back down for this.
"He did make it out. He was here with...Axel and Oscar weren't the only prisoners here. There were three others. The head guy, we wouldn't have gotten along. He would have been a problem for all of us and so, I killed him. One of the others was bit by a walker because of the fact that we were wanting to clear a cell block for them," he said.
"You were gonna let them live?" I asked.
"I was. I could have killed them there on the spot but that would mean that I wouldn't have any humanity left. That and I had Carl and Lori to think about...I couldn't let this world win. Not when I had...had them to think about. But one of them got away. He set up a trap. He set off the alarms that brought more walkers. T-Dog died the same day Lori did and he died, getting Carol to safety," he said.
I released a shaky breath.
"This day is just full of great news," I said sarcastically while wiping away more tears that came down.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there when all of this happened. I should have left with you guys. I should have never gone back to the house," I said.
"Hey. You're here now. That's all that matters," he said.
"And I'm gonna make sure that I stay. I'll always come back to you all," I said.
He took my hand and squeezed it once.
"We're family now," he said.
"That we are," I said.
"Now, before it gets later, go and get some rest," he said.
I chuckled lightly.
"Yes, sir," I said.
I went ahead and kissed him on the cheek.
"Don't sleep out here, okay. You'll catch a cold," I said.
"Yes, ma'am," he said.
I rolled my eyes at him and made my way out. When I reached ground level, I looked up at the sky and stared at the moon. It was still very hard for me to believe that I was here. For the first time in a long time, I felt at ease. I was with my family and the friends that were just as much my family as my actual one. I knew that it was gonna take me a good while to get used to this. This feeling of being whole again. I sniffled and rubbed the space between my nose and upper lip. I turned and headed back into the cell block.
Once I was inside, the only person that was still around was Hershel. The others must have been tired and called it a night. I sighed and slowly made my way over to where he was sitting.
"How's Rick?" he asked.
I sat down next to him.
"He's...well. He's trying. He understands that you all need him at his best," I said.
"You worked your magic on him did you?" he said.
"I just talked to him. If you call that magic, then I guess," I said with a shrug.
He chuckled lightly.
"And how are you?" he asked.
"I'm fine. A little tired but that's a given," I retorted.
"That's not what I mean," he said.
"Hershel..." I started.
"I know what you're gonna tell me. You're gonna tell me that you don't want to talk about whatever it was that happened at that place. That you'll tell me later. But I know you, Kari. If I don't push this, you'll never tell me. I need to know what happened," he said.
"Why? You weren't there. And I'm not there anymore. What does it matter if I tell you what did or didn't happen to me?" I said getting defensive.
He sighed.
"Do you have any idea what it was like finding out that you were alive and then me not being able to help bring you back?" he said.
I grew silent.
"This damn leg has made things that used to be easy that much harder. I thought I was gonna die. I thought, 'Now I'll never know whether or not my other daughter is out there, looking for me. I'll never know if she was some place far away or just a few miles from me'. But I didn't die. I got to see you again. Now I didn't think things would be as they were back at the farm. I'm not that naïve. Things have happened to us and things have happened to you. We are not the same people we were before. But I feel it's important to talk about the things that happened. Otherwise we'd be carrying this huge weight over us for the rest of our lives," he said.
I cleared my throat and leaned in closer.
"But what if that weight is one that I have to carry on my own?" I asked.
He shook his head.
"You keep things to yourself and they'll eventually make it hard for you," he said.
"Make what hard?" I asked.
"Moving on," he said.
I released a shaky breath. Maybe it was that fact that I hadn't had a talk with Hershel like this in a long time or the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened at Woodbury but whatever it was, it was getting me extremely emotional.
"I'm scared, Hershel," I admitted.
"Well, that's everyday nowadays," he said.
I stood up out of frustration.
"That's not what I mean," I said, beginning to pace back and forth just as Rick had.
"Honey that was a bad joke. I'm sorry. Please continued. Why are you scared?" he said.
I went over and sat back down next to him.
"After all this time, I can't believe that I forgot what people are capable of," I said.
He took my hand and squeezed it.
"What did that man do?" he asked sternly.
I opened my mouth to say it but the words didn't come out. I just looked at him and started to shed a few tears.
"Oh...oh honey, come here," he said.
He pulled me into him and held me there while I let all that I had kept inside, out. There wasn't much said after that. He kept me in his arms until I felt it was okay for me to face him again. I leaned back and wiped my face.
"I am so sorry, Kari. No one should ever go through anything like that. Ever," he said.
I sniffled.
"I um... I made sure to use the bathroom...you know, after it happened," I said.
I'd been having this on my mind since then. It only took one time for it to happen.
"Have you been feeling nauseous?" he asked, quickly turning into the doctor that I knew he was.
"No. But...it uh...it happened just a couple of days ago. If I was, wouldn't it take a bit longer to figure out?" I asked.
"It does. But there are some cases in which the nausea starts early on. We just have to be on alert," he said.
"And in usual cases, how long?" I asked.
"About 4 weeks. But whatever happens, we'll be here for you," he said placing his hand on mine.
"I don't think I can wait that long. I have to know if I am or not," I said.
"I'm sure you're on edge but this is the only way for us to make sure," he said.
I sighed heavily.
"I hate him, Hershel. I hate him for what he did to me. I hate him for what he'll probably do to the innocent people back at that town. I want him dead. And I want to be the one to do it," I said.
I was looking right at him when I finished speaking. The change in his facial expression told me that he was taken aback by what I had said. But he was right with what he said earlier. We weren't the same people we were back at the farm. That was the thing with this world. You go through things that changes the person you once were. I wasn't stupid enough to go out and look for the asshole but there was a part of me that hoped he'd come and look for me. I'd be ready to make him pay for everything he did to me. If it was the last thing I did. He was gonna die. And he was gonna die slowly.