ZARA
My head hurts.
My body hurts.
The sun blinding me through the window is making it worse.
Or, maybe it is the surrounding I am unfamiliar with? White linen beneath me, beer bottles littered the floor and table. I must be in some hotel room, one that smells like sweat and festering alcohol.
Shit, what the fuck happened last night?
Julie, Kerr, and I were at the booth, too many shots and too many hands.
Who's hands?
Who brought me here?
I rushed to my clutch bag, emptying it on the red carpet and grabbing my cell.
12 missed calls. Two from Julie, one from Kerr an hour ago and the rest from Jane.
8 new messages. Jane is fucking frantic; Grace is asking why I am not at work and Kerr has sent a chain of messages asking where I went and who the guy was. Julie also asked where I went.
I wish I knew the answer.
I scoured the room, the bathroom, nothing. No one. I looked out the window, covering myself with a comforter covered in beer. I'm not too far from the club that I don't remember leaving last night.
Me: Jane, I need your help.
Jane: Where are you, lady?
Me: Send Paul to my location, I will attach it. I'm so sorry.
I tucked my cell away again, seeing the battery is about to die. Noticing my dress on the floor, I slid it on, gave up rummaging for my underwear and stared at myself in the mirror.
Whoever I was with last night did a number on me, red marks decorating my whole body, painful bruises on my hips and shoulders.
I don't feel like I've had sex, though. Thank god.
I'm struggling to hold back my tears, one falls anyway.
He would hate me.
I made it to the reception, five floors down in an elevator full of businessmen and women. I stood at the back, mascara down my face, hair a riot and I may as well be naked.
Thankfully, Paul was waiting for me by his black Honda and threw his suit jacket around me, helping me into the car.
We stayed silent the whole drive back, even when I let a few sobs croak from my throat. Jane was waiting for me at the door and wrapped her arms around me when I fell apart, telling her everything.
She was furious that someone would take advantage of me in that state. She claimed that if I don't remember then I was definitely not able to consent to anything in a clear way. Rage took over her, resulting in her calling the cops but I batted the cell out her hand and begged her to drop it.
I felt cheap and having to explain that to strangers made my blood run cold.
I bathed, scrubbed until my skin turned red and cried even more.
Teddy cheered me up, he said mama and yanked my earring out.
"My head is still not fully attached to my body." Julie huffed, head slamming down on the table dramatically. "where did you even go? One minute you were dancing then you vanished." She lifted her head and petted her lip.
I shrugged, popping a chip into my mouth. Julie wanted to grab lunch with me and Kerr, who walked in ten minutes late, apologising and taking a seat next to me. "Feeling fresh, ladies?" he smirked, stealing one of my chips, "I had a great night." He side-eyed me and let his arm fall on the back of my chair.
"This one here deserves an award for the best disappearance." Julie joked, pointing at me with her black polished nails.
"Yeah, where did you go? I texted you." His thumb traced my shoulder and I sat forward, leaning my elbows on the table to swerve whatever the fuck he's doing.
"Home."
"Oh, Grace wants us at work in an hour." Julie jumps up and pays the bill. We follow her all the way to the café, Kerr whistling drove me insane until I told him to chuck it.
"I need to go pick up more rolls at the store," I called out to Julie after hours of serving. "Back in ten."
"I'll come with you, Zara." Kerr ran after me when the cold hair hit my face, refreshing me. We walked side by side, the streetlights turned on and darkness setting in. "Did you have a good night?" He asked, hands in his pockets.
"I'll let you know when I remember." I laughed, inwardly screaming at the thought. "Did you?"
"Yeah, probably the best night in a while." He licked his lips, silence the rest of the way and back.
My shift ended and I fell into bed once again, hugging my pillow until I fell asleep beside Jane.
Kerr: Look, M. I sent you all the footage I got of her so calm the fuck down and enjoy it.
Kerr: Sorry, wrong person. Hope I didn't wake you.
The two messages I woke up to in the morning, scowling at the first part. Why do I feel uneasy about that?
I replied hours later asking him what the message meant, and he told me it was for CCTV of the café to send to Paul.
Paul raised a brow when I asked about it.
Jane and I took Teddy to the park today, Paul closely behind us with his black sunglasses on. We got Teddy on a baby swing, down slides and on a spinning cup that made me feel sick.
Loads of pictures were taken with the three of us and I felt somewhat happy, ignoring the empty feeling that someone is missing.
That feeling will never budge.
"I think Grace will sign us off soon." Jane enjoyed the sun hitting her face, leaning back on her hands while we lay on the picnic blanket full of crappy food. "We can leave this place and start fresh."
The idea made me smile, leaving everything behind sounded perfect without the ties to Grace's generosity, keeping us safe while the world hated us.
The protesting has basically halted now, the glares from others started to lessen and I could take Teddy out without having horrid words thrown at me for laying down with a monster.
I slapped a woman last week for spitting in my face, calling me a slut, and saying I mothered Mac's child.
Mac's child? Fuck off.
Rumour are crazy little things and the stories always grow arms and legs. I would not be surprised if I'm targeted for being fucking Mac himself.
I haven't had any dodgy dreams in a while, but low and behold tonight I woke up drenched in sweat, trying to catch my breath from the images of Theo trying to drown me in a bath, head shoved in cold water while he tugged down my trousers from behind.
Why is he haunting me?
Why is he driving me so crazy that I'm now stood staring at the freshly concreted wall that separates me from all my memories with him?
I ran here, an hour it took for me to reach the entrance to the sewage tunnel, climb down the never-ending ladder and drop into the pool of disgusting fluids.
I turned on the torch on my cell and set it aside.
I hugged myself as I walked to the wall, placed a hand against it and let my tears fall, forehead meeting the cold stone.
I see him everywhere, in crowds, store windows.
I hear him during silence, his laugh, his anger, his happiness when we lay together.
I can even hear him now, faint echoes of his Scottish accent shouting but I can't understand what's being said.
"Talk to me, Theo," I whisper, placing both hands on the concrete and closing my eyes. Yep, I am definitely losing it.
"I'm ready for fly kicking you in the fucking face."
Woah, that one was clearer.
Then, a loud bang vibrated against the wall and I fell back in panic, coated in the vile water, accepting that I've officially lost my mind. I ran as fast as I could and never turned back.
Well, that's until I ran straight into a very drunk Kerr.
-OLD VERSION-UNEDITED