This is a A/N there's been so many and I'm sorry
I'm not ok and I probably won't be ok for a while I'm gonna be putting everything on hold until I can bring myself to update or if I'm actually allowed to. Only a few people know this and it's hard but I'm gonna tell you all because it's something everyone should be aware of because shit like this happens. ⚠️Please do not read if you are triggered by eating disorders self h@rm s*icide abuse⚠️
Basically I've been dealing with anorexia and bulimia all my life pretty much but none of it was my fault. My Nan has been feeding me very little food by that I mean toddler size meals all my life so anorexia started because sometimes she forgot to feed me but when I hit school bullying started everyone was telling me I wasn't good enough that I was fat and that I should throw up everything I ate hence the bulimia and I was getting better for a while thanks to mylifeisamesss11 but recently as they know I haven't been able to stomach anything not even if I get force fed, and because of that I had my first "meal" in 2 days about 2 hours ago. My Nan has also increased the rules now and for if me to have motivation this is what's happening:
8:00am - wake up change get ready for the day
8:30am/9:00am - breakfast
9:00am-12:00pm - study with no phones or computers only textbooks
12:00pm-1:00pm - lunch
1:00pm-5:00pm - study no phones or computers only textbooks
5:00pm-6:00pm - dinner
6:00pm-8:00pm - study no phones or computers only textbooks
8:00pm - sleep
If any of this gets broken including not eating we get punched and/or something thrown at us (by we I mean my younger sister my younger brother and me luckily my youngest sister doesn't live with me) and since I haven't eaten anything for 2 days on Wednesday my Nan said she's taking me to the doctors because it's not right and she also said that she doesn't care that I'm at risk of corona and that I can die of it because I deserve it. Every "conversation" my Nan has had with me in these last few days have been on a subject that's extremely triggering for me, I'm gonna write about it though because it's only extremely triggering when it's said to me, she has been yelling at me for anorexia and not eating she has been yelling at me for being thin (I was only slightly below average before the 2 days of not eating) she has been shouting at me saying I'm not a dancer and I never will be because I'm too weak because I don't eat or exercise she has been yelling at me saying I'm not right in the head because I don't like food but she was the one who made me like this she has yelled at me for not being "ladylike" enough because of the way I sit she has been yelling at me for the music I listen to because it's not Ed sheeran or queen she doesn't realise that the music I listen to helps me be calm she has been yelling at me for the way I dress literally anything about me she is yelling at me for she is calling me shit like idiotic retarded moronic and much more my Nan has become more mentally and physically abusive and with these new rules I have no way of getting out because the front door and back gate are always locked and I can't escape out of any windows just to get some fresh air and a vape or smoke or get an energy drink. She has confiscated all of the snacks too so even if my sugar level goes down (I'm not diabetic)because of the lack of food so much that I faint I have no way of getting a quick boost of sugar so I don't pass out which has happened before and it only took a week of no snacks in between meals but let's just say I've been blacking out a lot recently including once on the stairs luckily my brother caught me and took me to my room. I'm not allowed in my room anymore either I have to be downstairs. My Nan is the reason I self harmed too I used to be very bad but because of mylifeisamesss11 I've been clean for a few months. I used to cut almost every day because of frequent panic attacks and breakdowns because of the voices in my head that my Nan caused the mental health issues I have are thanks to my Nan. Let's just say this my Nan knows about the self harm and the voices and the fact that 90% of the time I can't truly smile 90% of my smiles are fake my Nan also knows about the fucking suicide attempts too so far there has been 4 but my Nan has said to me it's all fake I don't have mental health issues so she won't take me to the doctors for mental health. I can tell you all truthfully that I have 7 to 8 voices in my head (1 is Russian) constantly screaming at me to kill myself constantly screaming at me to throw up whatever food I have constantly screaming at me to cut constantly screaming transphobic and homophobic slurs (which I will not say because just thinking about them makes me want to cry) my Nan caused this she even caused insomnia from a very young age because when I was 4 she started telling me I would die if I sleep, can you imagine a little 4 yr old girl believing that if they sleep they would die. Yes I may seem happy on the outside but on the inside I'm really fucking struggling. Today was almost the 5th suicide attempt because of this shit. And I know people have it worse than me somewhere it's what I get told every day. Since I got back from foster care when I was 10 I have been told and made to believe that it was my fault me and my siblings got put into care because I was the one who made it happen because I was the one with the scar on my face so I was to blame.
As I mentioned before I am getting physically abused as a punishment I'll put it into perspective my Nan is 6ft and obese and incredibly strong (the most muscular man in my "family"still can't beat her in an arm wrestle) and I'm 5'1 and underweight so it's as if (not that this would happen) all might in his muscular form was physically abusing Deku before he started training. I am not safe but I can't call child line or anything because of the way my Nan is. She has manipulated the judges in court to think that my mother builds her world on drugs and alcohol and would spread her legs to anyone on the street and I know my mother she isn't like that. I've already had too many social services in my life and I don't want more
This is what's been happening to me so please understand that I can't physically bring myself to update and I'm not allowed to
I'm so sorry once again
~Max