***
"I told you to go home yesterday."
Mommy's voice almost echoed in the living room. It's late and I was sure she would be asleep by now. Kaya nga ako umuwi. Matalas ang mga mata niya sa 'kin bago lumambot. My fingers started to play on the ribbon handle of my shopping bags.
"I didn't say I would go home..." I said matter-of-factly.
"You missed your Dad," dagdag niya. She's wearing an unusual nightdress. May kakapalan iyon. May nakapatong ding robe kahit na wala namang makikita sa ilalim.
So... the sht of a man must still be here. Nag-stay rito kahit na wala si Dad? The audacity.
"Hanggang kailan si Tito Lowell dito?" I asked her. Everyone knows a demon or two. Ang kakilala namin, kamag-anak pa.
She crossed her arms on her chest. "I—He didn't say."
"Nasa'n siya?"
"In his room, I guess."
A guess is never good. With men like Tito Lowell, women always have to be sure where they are so we could avoid them.
"Dad allowed him to stay?" tanong ko uli. Inilabas ko ang cell phone ko at nagsimulang mag-type ng text message.
"May business trip sa Singapore ang Daddy mo. Pinayagan niyang mag-stay."
Ako:
You shouldn't let him stay here, Dad.
Even Mom's terrified of him. Why
don't you get it?
I sent the message to Dad.
"What's that? Did you send a text? A message? Kanino?" sunod-sunod na tanong ni Mommy.
"To Zi and Amber, Mom." Our eyes locked with all the words we couldn't say. "Samahan mo 'kong matulog sa kuwarto?" I asked. "I'm scared."
I'm not scared. She is. But her pride won't let her say the words, so I said it for her.
"Okay. Let's sleep together."
Ngumiti ako kay Mommy at lumapit. Kumabit ako sa braso niya at iginiya siyang maglakad papunta sa kuwarto ko. "I bought a lot of things with Zi and Amber. There's a new boutique at the mall with dresses you would love," ani ko sa kanya. "You should join us sa susunod, Mom."
***
Midnight. Mahimbing na si Mommy sa kama habang gising na gising pa 'ko. Nag-send ako ng message sa group chat namin pero tulog na ang mga poks. I tried reading, too, but I ended up punching holes in some stories and questioning dialogues in others.
Masyadong glorified at overrated ang virginity sa fiction. 'Tapos ang mga gaya ko na sxually liberated, pang-third party, pang-psycho na ex-girlfriend, at pang-moral reminder ang roles. We're not admirable because we're not ideal. And because we're not ideal, we're not worthy of a gentleman. Hindi raw kami pang-dambana.
No wonder, hindi nawawala ang misogyny at inequality. Kasi kahit kapwa ko babae, hindi naman talaga pantay ang paningin sa freedom ng lalaki at babae when it comes to sxual activities. Ang common belief, the more a girl engage on sx, the lesser she becomes. They want you to enjoy doing but not too much. Enjoy it but be silent about it. Talk openly about it and you'll be called a slut.
I sighed. Sht. Kaya ayoko kapag hindi ako makatulog at wala akong makausap. Kung ano-ano ang naiisip ko. Bumangon ako at lumabas ng kuwarto. I better make myself a cup of chamomile tea to sleep.
Pagbungad ko sa kusina, nando'n si Tito Lowell at nagkakape. Nagkatinginan kami agad dahil nakaharap siya sa arc. He pressed on the side of his phone na kaharap niya. It's for volume.
Hmm. Ano'ng ginagawa ng fcker na 'to this late at night?
"You're still awake," aniya. Malalim ang boses niya, laced with something disgusting. He must be watching something nude.
"Yeah." Dumeretso ako sa cabinet at kumuha ng tea bag. Nilagyan ko rin ang electric kettle ng tubig mula sa faucet. It's agonizing to be in the same room with Tito but I have to endure. This is my house. Siya ang dapat na mangilag sa akin—sa amin—and not the other way around.
I could feel his eyes on me. Manipis na baby doll lang ang suot ko at panty lang ang panloob. My nipples were poking on the soft fabric.
"Why are you still awake?" tanong niya.
I don't have to look at him to know where he's looking. Telltale ang pagtayo ng balahibo ko.
"Too much coffee the whole day, I think." But I didn't drink coffee. Ayoko lang nang mahabang usapan sa pagitan namin.
"I can help you fall asleep."
I shouldn't ask how. Kaya tumingin lang ako sa kanya. Walang bahid ng ngiti. "No, thanks."
Tumutok ang mga mata niya sa dibdib ko, bago sa hita ko.
"Stop looking," I said firmly. "I'm not comfortable."
"Bakit? Ina-appreciate ko lang ang suot mo."
Namaywang ako. "I wore this to sleep. I didn't wear this for you nor for men like you."
"Men like me? What are you talking about?" aniyang ngumisi.
"Manyak, gano'n."
"Hindi ka mamamanyak kung hindi ka nagsusuot nang ganyan. I saw your pictures on social media. Mahilig ka mag-display ng katawan. Kung may mambastos sa 'yo, hindi nila kasalanan."
Ngumiti ako sa kanya. "I wear what I wear because I like my body. I like looking good and I like looking sexy. Hindi ko isinusuot ang mga isinusuot ko, para i-display ang katawan ko, para sa atensyon ng mga mambabastos sa 'kin. I hope men like you can use your other head. Not your dick's head."
Pero naroon pa rin ang ngisi niya. It's like he didn't hear a thing I said. May aninaw ng libog sa mga mata niya na hindi nawawala.
I shouldn't have decided on chamomile tea. Hindi ako makakalma, lalo na ngayong nakaharap ko ang hayop na ito. Mangangatwiran pa ng kakitiran ng utak. May nambabastos dahil may mga bastos. Kapag disente ang lalaki, walang hubad na babaeng magiging puta sa harap niya.
I was practically throwing myself to Callan and he didn't do anything. Halos hubad akong nag-aalok sa kanya pero tinawanan lang ako. Nakatulog ako sa tabi niya sa iisang kuwarto, pero kinumutan lang ako. That's because he's decent. That's because he knows how to treat a human being as another human being like himself.
Tumunog ang electric kettle nang kumulo ang tubig. I grabbed a cup, put the tea bag in, and poured hot water.
"Rinse everything you touch," sabi ko kay Tito Lowell at tumalikod. I don't want anything contaminated by his dirt.
Hindi pa 'ko nakalalampas man lang sa arko nang lumakas ang tunog na mula sa cell phone niya.
"Put your fingers inside, Sabrina. It will feel good." Boses 'yon ni Tito Lowell.
Napahinto ako sa paghakbang. I know about that video. I shouldn't have stopped walking but damn these legs.
"What's... happening? I don't... I can't... feel anything..."
"I'll lick it for you, doll."
Wet, lapping sounds ensued. Mabilis akong pumihit at bumalik sa naghihintay na siraulo. He was looking at me with glazed eyes, he must be on drugs again. Inilabas niya ang dila niya at iginalaw kasabay ng nakadidiring tunog.
I grabbed his phone. Buong puwersa ko iyong ibinato sa sahig, kasabay ng cup ng chamomile.
"Stop. Watching. My sister," madiin kong sabi sa kanya.
Tumawa lang ang hayup. I gritted my teeth and walked out.
***
Thanks to that evil man, I got puffy eyes the next day. I wore my Prada sunglasses and rented a car to go to school as early as possible. I urged Mommy to go out and spend the entire day with friends, kaysa makasama niya sa iisang bubong si Tito Lowell.
Pagdating ko sa college namin, feeling ko ay tulog pa ang lahat—even the trees and the library. Naupo ako sa table sa ibaba ng building at tumanga. Good thing I stopped at a nearby Starbucks and bought coffee.
That fiend. Nagpa-palpitate ako 'pag masyadong matapang ang coffee. I could drink an ocean of alcohol and survive, but not this. Kung hindi ko lang kailangang maging alert enough for the day, I won't risk palpitations.
Tinanggal ko ang sunglasses ko at tumitig sa wala. I was casually sipping coffee when my phone notified a message. I thought sa group chat na ng mga poks, but no. It's Callan. Surprise!
From Callan @callandoesnttweet
Up early?
Tumaas ang kilay ko. Is he here? Did he see me? Luminga ako sa paligid para hanapin siya. I barely recognized him in a distance. Nagja-jog siya? Dito sa school?
From Thirsty Monique @moniquebabyyyy:
Yeah. Care to join me?
From Callan @callandoesnttweet
I'm sweaty. I'll join you after thirty minutes.
Hmm. Interesting. Interesting to see him in sweat and interesting to see why he'd join me.
From Thirsty Monique @moniquebabyyyy:
Sure. Let me rot for thirty minutes.
From Callan @callandoesnttweet
You won't, baby.
Nailing ako at nagpatuloy sa kape. Mainit ang hagod niyon sa lalamunan ko. Pagdaan ni Callan malapit sa 'kin, ngumiti lang siya at tumango nang kaunti. He's wearing a fitted shirt and basketball shorts. Naka-running shoes. Sa bawat maliit na galaw niya, naggagalawan ang muscles niya. Yum.
I was thirty minutes bored nang bumalik nga si Callan. His hair was still damp. Bahagyang naka-brush up. Nakasuot na siya ng white button up, soft pants na grey, at black sneakers. Nakasukbit na uli ang backpack niya at may bitbit na take-out coffee at paper bag ng pastry sa iisang kamay. He casually sat in front of me. Ibinaba niya ang bag ng pastry. I instantly smelled his coffee and something sweet.
"For me?" I asked and grabbed the bag.
"For us," sagot niya. "Kasabay ng coffee."
I peeked inside the bag and saw cinnamon rolls. Dadalawa pero malaki. Individually wrapped. I took one and smelled it.
"Nice..."
He was looking at me with a half-smile.
"What?" ani ko.
"Nothing."
He took his roll and unwrapped it. Pinanood ko siyang malaking kumagat do'n. He licked the frosting stuck at the corner of his lips and I swallowed. What the fck? Why am I finding it sexy? Ang normal-normal no'ng act.
Kalma your pechay, girl.
I casually unwrapped mine and bit small. Fck. Ang virgin ng pagkakakagat ko. Kung nandito ang mga poks, they'd make fun of me. What the fck.
"Why are you here this early? May early class ka?" Callan asked. He sipped his coffee, his eyes always on me.
"No early class. Napaaga lang," sagot ko. "You? Bakit ka nagja-jog dito sa school? Sa university dorm ka ba nagse-stay?"
"For this month lang. May night practice sa swimming and I might not make it to my early classes kung uuwi pa 'ko sa amin."
I nodded. "Saang dorm ka?"
"Sa Einstein."
It's near our college and their college. "And why are you joining me this morning, baby? Napag-isipan mo na kung ano ang ipagagawa mo sa 'kin?"
Matagal siyang tumingin sa 'kin. Nakako-conscious 'cause he'd surely notice my eyes. Pero wala siyang sinabi o itinanong na related do'n.
"Yeah, I thought about it. Instead of always saying no to you, I want to offer a deal."
Itinukod ko ang mga braso ko sa table. "Oh yeah? What deal?"
"You say you'd do anything for me to say yes."
Ngumiti ako. Now, we're talking. "Yes. What do you want me to do? Just say it." My thoughts were running all this sexy scenarios of us enjoying each other. "Just remember that I won't do it in public."
He chuckled. The vibration of his voice made me tingly all over. Yes. Rainy season is coming for the pechay. I so love this! I was waiting for him to say what I wanted to hear, but to my surprise, he opened his backpack.
Must be condoms we'll use. Puwede ring forms to have us checked first. He's a careful guy. He won't just do—
Tumaas ang kilay ko nang maglabas siya ng may kalakihang jar mula sa backpack niya. It's made of glass and I could see white rolled papers inside.
"What... the fck... is that?" ani ko sa kanya.
Iniurong niya ang jar sa akin. I was afraid to touch it for some reason. Baka maging boring kasi ako.
"It's a jar of tasks that I want you to do."
My mouth fell open. "A jar? Of tasks?" Tinagalan ko ang tunog ng letter S. "Tasks, Callan? These many?"
Ngumiti siya. "You say you'd do anything."
"Yeah. But I mean, do something that's possible to accomplish this schoolyear?" eksaherada kong sabi. "'Cause... I don't think I would have the time for that many tasks. Halos puno ang jar mo! At ano'ng mga tasks ang nandiyan? Boring ones? Community service? 'Wag akong magsuot ng skirt?"
Mahina uli siyang tumawa.
"Don't laugh," I warned. "Just because I enjoy your laughter doesn't mean I won't snap at you."
"First, matatapos mo ang tasks this schoolyear," sabi niyang ginaya ang pronunciation ko sa tasks. "Pangalawa, reasonable ang mga nandiyan. I won't tell you to change the way you dress. Ikaw ang Fashion Design student. Surely, you'd know better about clothes and dressing up."
Well... yes. Good thing at alam niya.
"Third, you have a choice whether to complete the tasks in the jar or..."
"Or?" ani ko.
"Or just give up on me being your LFG."
Yeah. Parang gusto ko na ngang mag-give up. I looked at the jar and the impossible number of rolled papers inside. This Callan must be enjoying this. Gaano ba ka-epic ang flagpole niya para paghirapan ko nang ganito? He's not playing hard to get. He's really hard to get!
Kinuha ko ang jar at inalis ang lid niyon. I took four rolled papers and opened them.
"Attend your most boring class. Do one of your assignments. Read... a book? Find a pen worth less than twenty-five pesos?" I looked at him squarely after reading what's in the paper. "First, ano talaga 'tong mga task na 'to? Pinagtitripan mo 'ko? Second, goal mo bang gawing boring ang buhay ko? At third, may pen na worth twenty-five pesos less? Ano'ng ink n'on? Sumusulat 'yon?"
He looked amused. "Hindi kita pinagtitripan. Sabi mo, you'd do anything. Seneryoso ko. Hindi ko rin gustong gawing boring ang buhay mo. You might find some tasks fun. At yes, may pen na worth twenty-five pesos less."
"It looks like you've already seen that pen. Why should I find it?"
"Because you'd do anything."
Kontento siyang ngumiti. Napapikit naman ako nang mariin. Why did I pick him again as my LFG? And why can't I change my mind?
"Do we have a deal?" aniya.
"Pa'no mo malalaman kung ginawa ko o hindi 'yong ibang task?" tanong ko pa. Fck. I'm really doing this his way? Fck.
"You'll report to me. Every Wednesday and Friday, libre ako. Nasa library ako sa College of Engineering, three to six in the evening."
He's really serious about this.
"At kapag natapos na ang lahat ng task na 'to, saka pa lang tayo magse-sx?"
"We will see."
Tumaas ang kilay ko sa kanya. Casual naman siyang humihigop ng kape niya.
"Feeling ko, hindi worth it itong jar of tasks mo. Pa'no kung maliit na hotdog lang pala ang meron ka? Lugi ako. Maghihirap ako for nothing." I crossed my arms on my chest and waited for his reaction.
Pero kontento lang uli siyang ngumiti. He leaned in closer to me. "Do you wanna see?"
Holy fck.
#253h / 05112020