"She thought she would know when it happened. But now, as she looked around, she wondered if it was really like that at all. Maybe it happened in a million different ways, when you were thinking of it, and you weren't. Maybe there was no gap, no jump, no chasm. You didn't forget yourself all at once. Maybe you just looked around one time or another and you thought, 'Hey'. And there you were."
- Ann Brashares (The Last Summer (of You and Me))
🔸🔸🔸
It was the night after the wedding day.
"Jake?"
Despite the darkness outside and inside my room, only the moon lighting the place - I saw a large handsome face creeping inside my room through the open window.
I sat on the bed and hugged my knees to my chest. Jake closed the sliding window and walked towards the bed.
"I'm s-sorry to just-" he whispered. Nakatayo lang siya malapit sa kama. Hinintay ko uli siyang magsalita. He's wearing his flannel underpants and old New York Knicks T-shirt.
Tinapik ko ang bahagi ng kama sa tabi ko. Halatang nag-alangan siya.
"Come here," I whispered.
Naupo siya sa harap ko. Kanina pa ako nakahiga sa kama pero hindi rin ako makatulog. Inihatid ko sila mama at papa sa bayan kanina, nauna na kasi sila pabalik ng Maynila. I decided to stay for few more days. Alam kong si Jake din ang dahilan kung bakit ako nag stay.
Ngumiti siya. Napansin kong hindi pa rin siya nakakapag shave. But it doesn't matter - I didn't mind. For me, he looked good anyway and anyhow. He looked manlier when unshaven.
My Jake.
"I missed you," Bulong niya. "I-I can't sleep. I've been thinking about you all day."
I fought the urge to throw my arms at him, to hug him; to touch him, to run my fingers on the soft strands of his already tousled hair.
All these years, I wonder what was it like to have Jake near. Pa'no kung naging kami dati pa? Kung pinuntahan ko siya noon sa Maynila gaya ng sabi niya?
"Natakot ako na baka hindi ka na bumalik," sabi pa niya.
I moved closer to him and heard him gasp. Inilapat ko ang mga kamay ko sa pisngi niya at marahan niyang ipinikit ang mata na para bang dinadama ang mga kamay ko sa balat niya.
Nang magmulat siya ay hinalikan niya ako sa labi. It was slow, as if exploring every little details of my lips. His tongue thrust inside when I gasped for breath. My arms wrapped on his neck.
It was my third kiss. It was the third time he kissed me - and this one's different.
"Gabby-" he moaned into my mouth.
Nahiga kaming dalawa sa kama. Nakagilid kaming pareho at magkaharap sa isa't isa. I traced the features of his face using my fingers. I can't believe he's here and he's beside me.
He caught my hand and pressed it against his lips.
Napansin kong nakabaluktot iyong hita niya habang nakahiga. I giggled when I figured that he's too big for my bed.
"Lumaki ka na talaga."
He smiled; that pretty smile of him, the one that reaches his eyes. Hindi ko akalain na mapapangiti ko siya ng ganoon, "I'm sorry. Actually nahirapan din akong pumasok sa bintana kanina."
"Dapat tinawag mo na lang ako. May front door naman."
"Doesn't matter," He sighed. "I'll find whatever ways to make it to you."
"Very romantic," I murmured.
He leaned forward and kissed the bridge of my nose. Kung ibang lalaki ang kasama ko ngayon, I fear we'd end up doing something else, but with Jake, it's different. I learned that there are more to love than making love.
Lumapit pa ito nang kaunti, mukhang mahuhulog na kasi siya sa kama. Hinapit niya ako sa beywang at inilapit sa kanya.
I giggled, "Sorry baby."
He caught my gaze and held into it, "What?"
Nagkunot ako ng noo, "What?"
"What did you just called me?" I can feel the warmth of his breath on my neck.
"I said I'm sorry, maliit kasi 'yung kama ko-"
"No, you called me -" he sighed. "It's an endearment."
He's very eager to hear it again, I know. Umiling ako at pinigilang hindi tumawa.
He snorted. Inihilig niya ang mukha niya leeg ko, "Sabihin mo uli." Pakiusap niya.
I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from grinning too much. Nilaro ko ang mga daliri ko sa buhok niya. The soft strands locked with the spaces between my fingers. Nalaman kong kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, the simplest gestures would mean a lot to you. Katulad nito - habang nararamdaman ko ang bawat hibla ng buhok niya sa mga daliri ko. It meant a world to me - para bang lalo ko siyang minamahal sa bawat maliliit na detalye ng pagkatao niya.
"Gabby, sabihin mo uli." He sounded like a little boy.
Little boy.
A little boy who looks so much like him.
Napangiti ako. I changed from thinking of that little boy I once knew to the boy I could one day have.
"You still wear this," I looked down at him. Nakahawak siya sa pendant ng locket na suot ko. That was the necklace he gave me on my eighteenth birthday.
Tumango ako, "It was from you, palagi ko 'tong suot."
"Binigay 'to sa'kin ni mama."
"It must be really special."
"You're special," He smiled.
M. The carved letter M, meant Marina which is his mom. That makes sense now.
"Sabi niya, ibigay ko daw sa babaeng mamahalin ko," Hinaplos niya iyong pendant. "This is from my dad. Maliban sa'kin, ito lang ang iniwan ni papa kay mama."
Hinaplos ko ang buhok niya. Urging him to say more.
"Alam kong alam ni mama na iyong babaeng mahal ko, kapareho niya ng initials."
"Ikaw agad ang naisip ko. I never loved anyone else besides you. I love you more than words, Gabby. I love you every day. I'm so in love with you, that it became a part of me. It started running through my veins, flowing through my bloodstream," He nuzzled the side of my neck again. I can feel the tip of his nose brushing that sensitive part of my neck.
He whispered, "I am so in love with you, Gabrielle."
"And I always will." I finished his sentence.
His mouth found mine and kissed me again. I kissed him with the same fervor. Pakiramdam ko lumulutang ako. Iyong tuwing makikita ko siya o kahit maiisip ko siya, parang sasabog ang puso ko sa pagmamahal ko sa kanya. I never though loving someone without lapses was possible.
I traced his lips with my index finger when we ended the kiss. He'd catch my fingers with his lips and would kiss them.
Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at ipinagbigkis sa kamay niya. Inilapat niya iyong muli sa labi niya papunta sa dibdib niya.
"Will I be seeing you in the morning?" hindi ko maiwasang hindi mag-alala. Sa sobrang saya ko, natatakot ako sa pwedeng mangyari sa mga susunod na araw.
Tumango siya, "Yes, and every morning of your life."
Gusto kong maiyak. Hinalikan niya ako sa noo at inihilig ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya. Sinusuklay nito ang buhok ko gamit ng daliri niya.
"Sleep now," malambing niyang wika.
"Jake?"
"Hmm?" I can feel that his eyes were already closed. Ipinikit ko na din ang mga mata ko.
"I love you."
--
Kinabukasan, maaga akong nagising para mag-jogging. Ilang araw ko na ding hindi iyon nagawa. May kaunting lamig ang simoy ng hangin tuwing umaga. Kahit pa tag-araw, kapag nasa probinsya ka, iba talaga ang simoy ng hangin.
Napangiti ako habang tumatakbo. Naalala ko ng maabutan ko si Jake sa tabi ko ng magising ako kanina. It was nice to finally wake up next to him. Pinagmamasdan ko lang siya kanina habang mahimbing siyang natutulog. Parang hindi pa din ako makapaniwala na kasama ko na talaga siya, that he came by my room last night, and stayed until the morning. I can't help grinning from ear to ear. Pakiramdam ko nga mapupunit na 'yung labi ko sa sobrang pag ngiti.
Kanina nga parang ayaw ko nang mawala siya sa paningin ko. He had to call his mom, and need to pack some of his things, kaya hindi siya nakasama sa akin. Nangako naman siya na sabay kaming mag-a-almusal mamaya. I don't know how many times we kissed before we part ways. He always tells me that he can't get enough of me, and I realized that it's the same way with me. I just can't get enough of him.
I checked my sports watch - five minutes before seven. Mataas na ang araw, at may kainitan na din. I was supposed to run few more blocks, but took the shortcut that leads to Jake's house instead. Wala pa yatang limang minuto ng marating ko ang bahay.
The door was left ajar, kaya hindi na ako kumatok. Dahan dahan kong binuksan ang pinto. Inilibot ko ang tingin sa bahay. Wala na halos mga gamit sa loob, only the important furniture and appliances left. Walang tao sa living area, ganun din sa kusina. I've noticed the T-shirt draped on the arm of the couch, it was the same shirt Jake had slept on. Nagtalo pa ang isip ko kung kukunin ko ba ito, sa huli, kinuha ko ang T-shirt at inilapit sa ilong ko. Jake had this distinct smell that felt so nostalgic. It was sweet, manly scent, I remember smelling the same scent when I woke up with him this morning. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from grinning too much. Ibinalik ko ang T-shirt nito sa couch at naglakad palibot ng bahay, pushing my hands on the pocket of my hoodie jacket.
Sa mesa na malapit sa bintana, katapat ng puno, kung nasaan 'yung tree house, may ilang mga picture frames na nakapatong. One was an old photo of a young Jake, probably seven years old sitting on his mom's lap. Napatawa ako sa itsura ni Jake sa picture - nakasimangot kasi siya, but despite the mood, he looked so cute. His cheeks and lips were reddish. Napansin kong magkamukha talaga sila ng mama niya. The other picture was still Jake during his high school graduation in the states. Ang isa naman picture ni Tita Marina at ng step dad ni Jake. And the last one on the left was the picture of us - Jake, Claire, and I. We were all grinning, our hairs damped from the beach. Claire, being in the middle, wrapped both of her arms to me and Jake. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, iyon ang huling araw ni Jake sa Pilipinas bago sila mag-migrate. Si Tita Marina ang kumuha ng litratong iyon. Kinuha ko ang nasabing frame at saglit itong pinakatitigan. Parang kailan lang. Pero kahit mabilis ang panahon, nakakatuwang walang nagbago sa aming tatlo. Sa tingin ko nga, mas naging mas maganda at malalim pa ang pagkakaibigan namin. Bigla ko tuloy na-miss si Claire na kasalukuyan namang nasa honeymoon nila ni Marc.
Nilapag ko ang picture frame pabalik sa mesa at naglakad papuntang kusina. Walang nakahain doon. Knowing Jake, hindi naman ito palaluto lalo na't sa States na rin ito lumaki. Kung hindi niya siguro kasama ang mama niya, baka puro take-outs at from fast food ang kinakain niya.
May ilang mga box na nasa sahig malapit sa hagdan patungong kwarto. Nakabukas ang mga iyon kaya nakita ko kung anong laman, karamihan ay mga libro at mga papel. Jake works for a newspaper, he writes and edit for a living - he's fond of words, and he's involved with too many papers. For the past three years, nang hindi na uli umuwi dito si Jake, palagi kong tinitignan ang mga columns niya over the internet. Sometimes, I'd print it and put it with my things. Sa ganoong paraan para ko na ring kasama si Jake at para bang kinakausap niya ako.
Umakyat ako sa hagdan paitaas ng kwarto ng bahay. Nakabukas din ang pinto sa kwarto niya ng abutan ko. There's his bag sitting on the bed, open, with some of his clothes inside. Wala si Jake sa loob, kaya pumasok ako. The window from his room was open; the curtains were pushed aside.
Naupo ako katabi ng bag niya. Nakaramdam ako ng lungkot, bukas na kasi ng umaga ang flight niya pabalik ng New York. Hindi pa namin napag-usapan ang tungkol sa pag-alis niya. I refrained myself from opening the topic. Hindi ko kasi alam kung anong plano niya. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa amin kapag bumalik na siya ng New York.
Napabuntong hininga ako.
"Miss me, sunshine?" napatingin ako sa pinagmulan ng boses. Jake is already leaning on the doorframe, smiling at me.
Tipid akong ngumiti. Hindi ko pa rin kasi maiwasan na hindi mag-alala. Mami-miss ko siya kapag umalis siyang muli. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko na naman bang mahiwalay sa kanya ng mahabang panahon, lalo pa ngayon na maayos na ang lahat.
Tinignan ko ito na naglakad naman palapit sa akin. Basa pa ang buhok nito mula sa shower. He's wearing a blue V-neck shirt paired with black shorts. I can smell the citrusy scent of his shower gel and body soap. Bigla tuloy akong nahiya dahil pawisan pa ako mula sa labas.
Tumabi ito sa akin at hinawakan ang kamay ko. He tilted my chin using using his thumb and index finger, "What's with the long face?"
Hindi ako sumagot. Maya-maya ay hinila nito ang kamay ko at pinaupo ako sa kandungan niya. His other hand wrapped around my waist. His face buried into my neck and started nipping my jawline.
Ngumuso ako, "Mabaho pa ako."
"Hmm?" he hummed against my skin.
Napangiti ako.
"Pawisan pa ako. Nag-jogging ako 'di ba?"
I can smell his aftershave. Napansin kong nakapag shave na rin siya. He looked so clean and fresh. He pulled me closer to him.
"I love you," he murmured against my neck.
Nag-init ang mukha ko. He's smiling, at hindi ko talaga mapigilang hindi mag blush. Papatayin 'yata ako nitong lalaking ito sa kilig.
"You look so hot with this working-out clothes," the tip of his nose brushing the side of my neck.
"Jake-" I exhaled.
"Tell me what's bothering you."
Umiling ako. Pero gaya ng laging sinasabi ni Claire, hindi ako magaling magsinungaling.
Inilayo niya ang mukha sa leeg ko at hinawi ang buhok papunta sa likod ng tenga ko. He gave me a quick kiss on the lips.
"Come, I'm going to show you something."
"Ano 'yun?"
"Basta," he winked before we got up from the bed.
--
"Hindi ako marunong mag-bike."
Jake took the bicycle from the back of their house. It was the old one. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, dati pa ang bike na iyon. Pero maayos pa naman.
Nakasuot na siya ng itim na hoodie sweatshirt. Lalo na naman siyang pumuti. Medyo namumula-mula pa ang pisngi, ilong, at tenga nito. Sumakay siya sa bisikleta at pumedal palapit sa akin.
"Angkas," Yakag niya. I had to stop myself from laughing when I heard his accent. He looked so cute, I felt like I just wanted us to cuddle the rest of the day.
Naaalala ko nung mga bata pa kami, tuwing magba-bike sila ni Claire, lagi akong out of place. Hindi kasi talaga ako nagtangkang matutong mag-bike. Nang i-try ko minsan, sumemplang lang ako at nasugatan. As usual, pinagtawanan ako ni Jake at Claire, although sa huli, sila din namin 'yung gumamot ng sugat ko, nilibre din nila ako ng ice cream pagkatapos. Hindi rin kasi nila ako matiis lalo na kapag nagsimula na akong umiyak.
Umiling ako.
Napatawa ito, "Please? Trust me, I won't let you fall."
Pero hulog na hulog na ako sa'yo dati pa. I thought.
Inabot niya ang kamay ko at niyakag na umangkas sa bisikleta. Naupo ako sa maliit na upuan sa likod niya.
He took both of my arms and wrapped it around his waist, "Ready?"
Tumango naman ako. Nagsimula na siyang pumedal at binaybay namin ang kalsada patungong resort. Marami nang tao sa labas, at marami na ding tao sa may dagat. Summer na naman kasi at napakaraming turista.
I leaned my head on his back and closed my eyes. Ang sarap pala sa pakiramdam kapag gumagalaw na iyong bike. Laging sinasabi sa akin ni Claire na sobrang enjoy daw ang pagbi-bisikleta. Kaya pala enjoy na enjoy sila ni Jake dati. Kahit kasi umangkas, hindi ko ginagawa. Natatakot kasi akong mahulog na naman, at matawanan na naman nila.
Mahirap mahulog. When you found yourself falling over and over again, hindi maiiwasang masaktan ka. But if you take a leap of faith, and try again, you'd realize eventually, masaya pala. That in the end, everything's worth it.
Nang imulat ko ang mga mata ko napansin kong nakalampas na pala kami ng resort. Sa hilera na ng mga souvenir shops at ilang kainan iyong binabaybay namin.
"Sa'n tayo pupunta?"
"Just hold tight, baby."
I smiled when he called me the same endearment I called him last night. Mabuti na lang hindi niya nakikita kung ga'no kapula ang mukha ko.
I closed my eyes again, and let Jake take me anywhere. Anywhere with him.
--
We reached the dock, near the lake.
Hindi pa ako nakarating doon dati. It was my first time being on that place. Sa intersection kasi kanina, sa kaliwang bahagi ang binaybay namin. Usually, sa kanan kasi ang nadadaanan namin, dahil papunta iyong bayan. Claire must've known this place. Nakakainis kasi sa tagal ko sa lugar na 'to, ngayon lang ako napadpad doon. Alam kong may lake na malapit dito, pero hindi ko alam na ganito pala kaganda ang nasabing lugar.
There are boats moored on the dock, at sa paligid ay may mga ilang kainan at mga tindahan. Jake parked on the open lot; kung saan may mga ilang bisikleta din ang naroon.
I stepped in near the dock, and my eyes wandered around the whole place. Sobrang ganda.
"Claire and I went here two days before the wedding," Jake wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me from behind.
"I was dubstruck too," he spoke on the back of my neck.
Humarap ako sa kanya, "Sobrang ganda!"
"I know," hinawi nito ang buhok ko at pinakatitigan ako sa mata. "Pero mas maganda ka."
Tinapik ko siya sa braso, "Bolero!"
Tumawa naman siya at mabilis akong hinalikan sa labi. He placed his hand on the small of my back and kissed me again. It wasn't quick this time. I'm hyperaware of people seeing our public display of affection, but for once in my life, I didn't care.
"Hunry?" he murmured against my lips.
I nodded, a smile on my face, "Hmm, starving."
--
Gaya ng sabi ni Jake, may breakfast diner nga around the place. The diner exterior and interior were a mixture of white and blue. Naka-blue polo shirts at white shorts ang mga crew ng kainan, may bandana din na nakapaikot sa leeg nila. Marami ding salamin sa paligid kaya tanaw na tanaw ang lake sa hindi kalayuan. Para akong nasa ibang bahagi ng mundo. Sa tagal ko sa Los Balcones, bakit ngayon ko lang 'to nakita?
Jake ordered waffles, pasta marinara and a cup of brewed coffee. Pancakes with maple syrup, at egg benedicts with French toast naman ang akin. Nag-order din ako ng kape. Nag-kwento si Jake ng mga experiences niya in New York, pati na din iyong mga taong nakilala niya doon. Masaya naman akong nakikinig sa kanya. Hindi ko akalain na darating kami sa ganitong punto na kumportable kaming makakapag-kwentuhan na kaming dalawa lang.
"Jake?"
"Hmm?" He wiped his mouth with the table napkin.
Humigop muna ako mula sa kape ko bago magsalita. Hindi ko kasi alam kung itatanong ko ba ang naisip ko o hindi.
"Nagka-girlfriend ka ba sa States?"
He finished chewing before he spoke, "So, is that the reason why-"
"Ha? H-Hindi. Never mind. Hindi mo naman kailangang sagutin."
"Yes."
Napatingin ako sa kanya. Parang cool na cool lang ito habang kumakain at hindi man lang nagawang magpaliwanag.
"Siguro may girlfriend ka pang naiwan dun," I said without looking at him. I tried my best not to sound like a jealous girlfriend.
"Wala naman. Pero dito, meron."
"Ah talaga?"
Bigla siyang tumawa. He reached for my hand and gently squeezed it. He closed it by putting his other hand on top of our already locked hands.
"You look so cute when you're jealous."
Inilayo ko ang kamay ko, "Ako? Nagseselos? Bakit naman ako magseselos?"
Bumulanghit itong muli ng tawa. Napatingin pa ang ilan na kumakain sa kabilang tables.
He reached again for my hand and kissed it, "Nagbibiro lang ako."
Hindi ako kumibo.
"Uy," tawag niya sa akin habang hawak pa rin ang kamay ko. I busied myself with the food on my plate.
"Joke lang 'yun. I think I dated few girls before. Pero wala namang seryoso. I never had a girlfriend, okay."
Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang maisip si Jake na nasa Amerika habang may kasamang ibang babae. Kahit date lang 'yun.
"Pero ngayon may girlfriend na 'ko," pagbibida niya.
"Ah talaga?"
Ngumiti siya, "And I'm glad that she doesn't have a boyfriend."
Pinigilan ko ang pag ngiti, "How can you be so sure?"
"Sabi niya, mahal niya daw ako e," there's the accent again.
I blushed, "Doesn't mean she doesn't have a boyfriend."
"Oh!" he laughed, "I think she might have."
"You think so?"
Tumango siya, "Just recently. That guy's damn lucky."
"He is," hindi ko na napigilang hindi mapangiti.
"Gwapo din."
Napahalakhak ako, "Medyo confident nga lang."
Dumating ang waitress na nag-serve ng pagkain namin kanina. This time iyong dessert na banana split ang dala niya. We thanked her before she left.
"Do you have any idea who that guy is?" I asked him. I dug the spoon on the strawberry sherbet and swallowed a mouthful slowly.
"I'm guessing," nagtaas-baba ito ng kilay. Natawa naman ako.
"Okay."
"I bet he's going to kiss you now."
He leaned forward and kissed me.
"Lucky guy," I murmured before kissing him back.
--
We spent the whole afternoon on the Lakeside. We talked about different things. Things on the past, about my job, my family, the past few years, iyong mga panahon na wala siya. Napagkwentuhan din namin si Claire na parehong miss na miss na namin ni Jake.
"It's weird to hang-out without Claire," I told him.
Nagkunot naman ito ng noo, "You find me weird?"
I brushed my thumb on his wrinkled brows, "Hindi naman, medyo lang."
Tumawa kaming pareho. Napagkwentuhan din namin si Lance. Natutuwa nga ako dahil magkaibigan pa rin kami ni Lance. Ilang beses nitong sinubukang manligaw sa akin, pero nilinaw ko naman sa kanya na kaibigan lang talaga ang turing ko sa kanya. Alam din naman niya kung anong nararamdaman ko para kay Jake at natutuwa rin ako na mukhang nagkakamabutihan sila ni Shane, na katrabaho ko sa ospital sa maynila.
"I've never been insecure. Except with the guys who'd give motives to you," Jake said.
We're both sitting on the dock, our feet dangling over the water.
Jake is very good looking. Kahit saan nga yata kami mapadaan laging may lilingon na mga babae sa direksyon niya. Kaya hindi ako makapaniwalang may insecurities pa din pala siya, na kung tutuusin nga dapat ako pa ang ma-insecure.
Napag-usapan din namin ang step dad niya. He told me how wonderful his step dad was. I can see admiration on Jake's eyes while he speaks about him. Halatang naging maganda ang samahan nila. Higit daw sa lahat na nagustuhan niya rito ay dahil mahal na mahal daw nito ang mama nya, despite her baggage. Mahal na mahal din siya nito na parang tunay na anak. I remember his one article before about his step dad. I can remember myself wiping my tears while reading the said article.
Later that day, bumalik muna kami sa bahay para makapagpalit ako at makaligo. Bumalik kami bandang alas kwatro hapon at namangka.
When the night came, may street party kung saan open para sa lahat ng mga bakasyunista. A live performance from old men with their guitars, ukulele, and conga drum made the party more alive.
"May I have this dance?" Jake offered his hand to me. Natatawa ko namang inabot ang kamay ko at sinayaw ako nito kasama ng ilang pares ng bakasyunista.
Nang marating namin ang gitna ng dance floor, nagsimula namang kantahin ng mga manunugtog ang isang pamilyar na kanta. My Sunshine.
"You are my sunshine, my only shine, you make me happy when skies are grey. Just so you know dear, you're all I hold dear. And with you I am never afraid," He whispered the lyrics to me while we dance, as if it was a poem he just wrote personally for me.
We stayed until almost midnight hanggang napagpasyahan na naming umuwi. This time, iyong pick-up truck ni Claire ang gamit namin. Kila Jake kasi naka-park ang sasakyan ni Claire since wala din naman ito ngayon.
"Grabe, sobrang saya," I told him when we reached the front step of my house.
"I'm glad you enjoyed it."
He moved closer and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. Umakyat naman ang mga kamay ko sa balikat niya. Magkatitigan lang kami. Walang nagsalita. I drink him in, every little details of his face.
Napansin kong umaabot na sa mata niya iyong buhok niya. I brushed it with my fingers, "Ang haba na ng buhok mo."
"I love you," Sabi niya na tila hindi pinansin iyong sinabi ko.
"Ang sabi ko ang haba ng buhok mo," pinisil ko ang ilong niya habang tumatawa. Namula iyon, and that only made him cuter.
"And I told you, I love you."
"I love you, too."
Lumawak ang ngiti niya, "Damn, I don't want to send you home," bulong niya sa tenga ko. He held me closer, not wanting to let me go. Napangiti naman ako habang nakayakap sa kanya.
I pushed him lightly on the chest, "Sige na, you have to finish packing."
Naalala ko tuloy iyong gusto kong sabihin sa kanya kanina. Hindi ko na nagawa. Hindi rin naming napag-usapan kanina. Hindi ko na naman tuloy maiwasang hindi malungkot. Ngayon pa lang, nami-miss ko na siya. Parang ayoko na tuloy siyang pauwiin para hindi siya makaalis.
"Can I pack you with my things?"
"Hindi po pwede. Uwi na, gabi na."
Sasabay na rin kasi ako pauwi. Hanggang ngayong weekend na lang kasi ang leave ko sa ospital.
Magkahawak pa din ang mga kamay namin. Pareho kaming nakangiti sa isa't isa.
"Good night, Jake."
"Good night, Gabrielle."
Hindi niya pa rin binibitawan iyong kamay ko. Napahagikgik ako.
"Sige na, papasok na 'ko sa loob. Uwi na, maaga pa tayo bukas."
Hinila naman niya ang kamay ko ng akmang tatalikod na ako, "Tabi na lang uli tayo."
"Bawal nga. Baka mamaya kung ano pang gawin mo sa'kin," Baka hindi ko rin mapigilan ang sarili ko. I felt embarrassed with the thought.
Tinaas naman nito ang kamay, "Promise, behave ako."
"Bawal."
Hindi niya pa rin binibitawan 'yung kamay ko, "Fine. Good night kiss na lang."
Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata, "Nakarami ka na ngayong araw, Jacob!"
"Isa na lang.. ngayong araw."
Naiiling akong tumawa, "Uwi na."
"Gabby-" Ungot niya.
I rolled my eyes, "Fine."
He kissed me, and I kissed him back. He teased my mouth to open, and I obliged. He's kissing me deeply, and meaningfully, hindi ko mapigilang hindi maipikit ang mga mata ko.
I felt my lips sore when we let go.
"Good night."
I bit my lower lip and nodded. Nakakainis kasi siya 'yung mapilit kanina, pero ngayon parang gusto ko pa. Mukhang ako pa yata iyong nabitin.
Naglakad siya paatras nang nakaharap pa rin sa akin.
Nagpamulsa siya bago kumaway at tumalikod. Nang makailang hakbang siya ay tumakbo ako palapit sa kanya, agad naman siyang lumingon.
I kissed him again, but it was a quick one. Halatang nagulat pa siya.
"Good night."
Tumakbo ako pabalik ng bahay at iniwan siyang abot langit ang ngiti.
--
Inabot ko mula sa nightstand ang cellphone ko nang marinig koi tong tumunog. Kanina pa ako nahiga sa kama pero hindi ako makatulog.
From: Jake
Can't sleep. Been thinking about you. I love you.
Niyakap ko ng mahigpit iyong unan ko para pigilan ang sarili ko sa pagtili. I even left my window open, in the hope that he'd sneak in again.
Nakapatay na ang ilaw sa kwarto ko. Maya-maya may nakita akong spot ng ilaw na gumagalaw mula sa baba, like it was coming from a flashlight from outside. Agad akong napangiti. I got up from the bed and stuck my head outside the window.
Jake was standing outside - flashlight on hand. Just like the night he told me he loves me.
Agad kong ipiniid pasara ang bintana at lumabas ng bahay. Hindi ko na nagawang magpalit. I am wearing a loose shirt and pajama bottoms. I tied my hair on a messy bun and meet Jake outside.
"Someone already misses me."
Ngumiti siya at inabot ang kamay ko. Naglakad kami papunta sa pampang ng dagat. Dahil madaling araw na, wala nang tao roon, maliban sa ilang mga tao sa bar 'di kalayuan. But it was already out from earshot.
Naupo kami sa may buhangin.
"I might get the job."
Nakatingin siya sa akin pero agad niyang inilipat ang mga mata sa dagat.
Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Ito na. Ito na ang gusto ko pang sabihin sa kanya kanina pa. Natatakot ako. He'd get the job? Sa States? Nakaramdam ako ng bigat sa puso ko.
"After next week would be my final interview," dugtong niya pa.
Hinayaan ko lang siyang magpatuloy. Hindi ko inihiwalay ang mga mata ko sa kanya. Inabot naman niya ang kamay ko at pinagdaop sa kamay niya.
"I passed the initial exams, nagustuhan din nila 'yung essay na ginawa ko."
"Actually, they're hiring me already. Pero sabi ko, I want to take the final interview. I want to be hired because I passed the needed requirements, because I'm qualified within their standards." Hinayaan ko lang siyang magsalita kahit hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung anong ibig niyang sabihin.
"And I need to settle few things in New York first. May mga gamit pa kasi ako na kailangang kuhanin and I also to finalize my resignation. Para na din makita ko si mama," Ngumiti siya sa akin.
"Resignation?"
Tumango ito, "A month ago."
Binawi ko ang kamay ko at umayos ng pagkakaupo, "Jake, wait. Hindi ko maintindihan.."
"I've been working in New York Post for more than three years. The salary's really good. I can't complain about that. You see, all I have to do is write and meet the deadline. Babayaran nila ako twice a month, kapag maganda ang feedback with the article, may increase ako with that specific month."
"It was good, but it wasn't great." Humarap siya sa akin.
"Jake-"
Ngumiti siya at hinawakang muli ang kamay ko, "Just couple of months ago. A friend of mine in Boston invited me for a talk. It was a short talk with his creative writing students in a community college. I was asked to be the speaker. Noong una akala ko, mapapahiya lang ako. I am man of few words, and I don't think I can do it. But then the moment I stood in front of them? All of a sudden, I'm a different person."
He sighed. There's warmth in his eyes. Halatang masaya siya, "And I enjoyed it."
"Kaya nang tumawag si Claire sa akin, saying she's about to get married. Naisip ko na agad kung anong gusto ko."
"I quit my job. Told Claire I'm going back here. I arrived earlier than Claire expects me. I went to Manila, nagpunta ako sa isang University, where I applied online, about two weeks ago bago ako makabalik."
Ang dami kong gustong itanong pero hinayaan ko lang muna siyang magsalita.
"I stayed for a week. Fulfilling all their requirements. Since I had my New York experience, they're more than willing to hire me. But I declined. I told them I wanted to finish the process. And then I came by to see you at the hospital, every day of that week."
Namilog ang mga mata ko sa gulat. Pero higit lalo na parang gusto kong maiyak. He came by to see me. Pero hindi siya nagsabi. Hindi ko man lang alam na nando'n pala siya.
"I got to befriend mang Ernie. Kasi araw araw akong nando'n. He'd feed me of information about you."
It makes sense now. Kaya pala iba 'yung ngiti nung gwardya nang ospital na si Mang Ernie tuwing makikita ako. He'd even compliment me, "Blooming ka ngayon, Gabby ha."
"Jake, I don't know..what to say," I was lost for words. Hindi ko alam kung paanong hilig ang gagawin ko.
"It's okay. I just wanted you to know. Iniisip ko kasi, baka galit ka sa'kin. I thought, Claire's wedding would be the best time."
Tumango ako. I'm falling even more in love with him. I just wanted to cut him midsentence and kiss him.
"You applied, here?"
"Yes. College instructor. Literature department."
I learned that it was the same University where Claire finished her degree, sa Manila nga lang na branch 'yung kay Jake.
"Why here? I mean, New York is New York. Si Tita Marina nando'n. You have to sacrifice a lot of things for me. It isn't fair."
Umiling siya. He cupped my face with his hands. I lingered on its warm.
"I need you to trust me, okay?"
Ang dami kong gustong sabihin, pero sa kung anong dahilan ay hindi ko iyon magawa. I was too overwhelmed by everything Jake told me. Sa sobrang dami, hindi ko na mahanap kung anong dapat kong sabihin. It's as if they're trapped in my throat, I can't breathe, I wanted to cry but can't.
I ended up saying first thing inside my head, "New York is your world, Jake."
Umiling siyang muli, "No."
"This is my world. This is where I belong," nakangiti niyang sabi.
Hinigpitan niya ang hawak sa kamay ko. It was tight, yet it feels so gentle, "And I'm holding her hand right now."
--
"I-" I stuttered, "I-I don't know what to say, Jake."
"You don't have to say anything, I just want you to trust me."
The summer air and the peaceful rush of waves accompanied his sweet words. Mas lalo ko pa siyang minamahal ngayon. Parang sasabog ang dibdib ko sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. How is it possible to love someone this much?
I was sitting on his lap. His arms wrapped around me. I curled into him, my face buried on his neck. Nasa may dalampasigan pa rin kaming dalawa. Pinaglaruan ko iyong tali sa hoodie sweatshirt niya. We're both silent and stayed on that position for a while, but deeply satisfied.
"Naalala ko dati," He breathes into my hair, "Nung dinala kita dito, para ibigay sa'yo 'yung kwintas."
I smiled into his neck.
"I really wanted to kiss you, then. I wanted to pull you into my arms like this. I've been dreaming of this moment, every night even when I'm miles apart from you. I fear that I'd scare you. I wanted to be gentle with you. Ayokong gumawa ng dahilan para lalo kang mapalayo sa akin."
I curled even more against him. I nuzzled his neck. Hinayaan kong higit ko siyang maramdaman. I'm so in love with him, and I'd like to stay this way forever.
"Like waves. I may float away from the shore but I'd always come back. I'd always come back to you. No matter how far I've been."
I closed my eyes.
"Gabby?"
Dahan dahan kong inangat ang tingin ko sa kanya para malaman niya na naririnig ko siya.
"Will you marry me?"
--
Pakiramdam ko tumigil ang lahat sa paligid namin. Tama ba iyong narinig ko? Did he really asked me to marry him?
Tumingin ako sa kanya. Bakas sa mukha ko ang pagkagulat.
He smiled, almost laughing. There are fine lines in the corner of his mouth. I let my fingers touch those lines.
"No rush. Maybe two, three, or a year from now," he shrugged as if reading my mind.
Hindi sa hindi ko siya gustong pakasalan. All these years, I've been imagining myself being married to Jake. When I went into his house this morning, when I went into his kitchen, I thought of waking up beside him everyday, prepare his breakfast, lunch, wait for him until he gets home, and we'd share dinner together, and sleep again next to him.
He caught my gaze, and held into it, "I want to be with you, Gabrielle. I want to-"
"Yes," my voice broke like the soft air.
Gusto kong maiyak sa sobrang saya ng nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam na posible pa lang mas mahalin ko pa siya. Hindi ko alam na posible pa lang magmahal ng ganito.
"I'm going to marry you, Jake."
"Talaga?" His eyes twinkled in delight.
Paulit-ulit akong tumango.
He opened his mouth to say something and I took that as a chance to kiss him. Agad siyang tumugon sa mga halik ko. My hands went inside his sweatshirt, my hands brushed on his lower back. He's warm, soft, and comforting.
He pulled me even closer, not wanting to break the kiss.
And I don't want to break that either. Not wanting that night to end.