T/n: During Beitang and Yan Feili's conversation later this chapter, Beitang refers to himself informally, i.e. he uses (我：I) instead of his usual (本座). Beitang is a rigid cun——bastard... who is anal about rules and propriety so him dropping formality is something notable. The italicized pronouns indicate the return to formal speech.
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When Yan Feili's eyes opened, the first thing they saw was the unfamiliar coloured canopy surrounding his bed, followed by the face of Qiu Yeyuan—the relief within his expression quite obvious.
Yan Feili felt his head seemed rather fuzzy, and upon lightly moving his body, a burst of unbearable pain erupted from each and every inch.
Qiu Yeyuan quickly said to him: "General Yan, your body has endured too much frostbite along with a high fever that only just stated to decrease. Your body is weak, so you cannot move about as you please. You need to get some proper rest."
Upon hearing his words, Yan Feili remained confused for a while. "What happened to me? Where is this place?"
Qiu Yeyuan knew his mind was not yet completely awake, so he answered softly: "You have been unconscious for three days, and this is Master Beitang's bedroom."
It so happened, that on the day where he lost consciousness, he was soon carried into the residence of Beitang Ao. His entire body was frostbitten, a high fever had begun, and his lower region was still leaking blood so he could not be moved around freely. Not long passed before Beitang allowed him into is bedroom, made Qiu Yeyuan look after him there, then found another room in the house for himself. Hearing Qiu Yeyuan say this, Yan Feili slowly recalled these previous events—his heart pained.
"General Yan, till now you have not eaten anything, so here's some warm porridge. Have a bit of it, alright." Having said that, he helped Yan Feili sit up slowly.
Yan Feili however had no appetite in the slightest, but seeing the worried expression on Qiu Yeyuan's face, he forced himself to eat a bit soon after.
"Doctor Qiu, I'm truly sorry for troubling you this much." Yan Feili softly apologised to Qiu Yeyuan.
"General Yan, why are you saying such things. Saving lives is a doctor's philosophy, so how can you say it was trouble? Qiu'mou has not done anything special at all." Qiu Yeyuan gazed at Yan Feili's appearance, unable to help the pang emerging in his heart. Just thinking about how that man had given birth to a son, and then in less than a day, that child was never to be seen again, as well as it being most likely Beitang Ao was the one who took that child away.
"General Yan, Qiu'mou has some things he must inform you as your doctor. With there being not even being three full days since you had given birth, your health not being taken care of properly, and your kneeling in the snow for three hours; you, despite your physique not being similar to a female's, there may be some lingering health effect which may arise in the future. My fear is that if you fall ill, it would be rather difficult for you to make a full recovery, so I need you to prepare yourself for that."
An incompletely cured illness, and so on and whatnot... Yan Feili paid no attention at all.
This body of his turned out to be nothing but a curse, a deformity—something that should not exist! So much so, that even he himself had begun hating it. Were it not for his strange physique, he would not have given birth to that little thing, nor would he be in so much pain because he had lost it.
For half a month, Yan Feili had remained lain within that bedroom of Beitang Ao's, while his his fever and frostbite slowly began to recover. During that time, Beitang had went to see him twice. But as luck would have it, on both those occasions, he was still fast asleep.
This afternoon, Beitang Ao again made his way to that bedroom, this time Yan Feili had just recently finished drinking his medicine and had just woken up. So Qiu Yeyuan then took the remaining medicine and withdrew from the room, leaving the two of them alone.
"Are you doing better?" Beitang Ao sat at his bedside and asked.
"For Sect Master's concern, I am thankful. This subordinate is already much better."
Looking at Beitang Ao, and not knowing how to face him, Yan Feili then softly added: "This subordinate has lived away from his own home at Sect Master's place for these past few day, which is highly improper. So this subordinate requests for his return to the Bamboo Garden as soon as possible."
"Beitang Ao waved his hand, "Your body is still unwell, the Bamboo Garden is too deserted, and you do not have any servants; so just stay here, alright. You can return once you're fully recovered.
In response, Yan Feili did not say a word.
Even though the had known one another for eight years, never once had there been a situation like this, nor had they ever had a conversation like this one. Both Seeming to be drawn somewhat closer by something intangible between them, yet such a development was also all the more unfamiliar.
For a good while, both were silent, until Beitang Ao suddenly, and firmly, asked: "Feili, do you hate me?" This question was exceedingly unexpected, its utterance leaving Yan Feili quite stunned. But ever since their incident in the Haunted Forest, his Sect Master hadn't once called him by name.
Hate? He had never thought of such a word.
Laughing bitterly in response: "Why would this subordinate hate his Sect Master, huh! This lowly one has never thought of such a thing!"
Beitang Ao was rather shocked.
"I took the child away from you—do you really not hate me?"
Hearing him mention the child, Yan Feili felt his chest tighten, his complexion changing as he then remained silent, not saying a word.
"You actually still blame me, right? But I also want you to know that I will not do any harm towards that child; because, no matter what, he is my flesh and blood after all. However, his birth was outside the norm—what I'm doing is for everyone's own good. You wouldn't want that kid to find out he was birthed by a man after he grew up, right? How do you think he would feel? If it were to happen, how would he deal with it?" Beitang Ao laid his status aside, and consoled the other man gently.
In truth, Yan Feili had also thought about this issue. So now, hearing it from someone else's lips, was incredibly painful.
Softly, he then replied: "What Sect Master says is true. Sect Master is also the father of that child, and also has the right to decide his future; thus would, of course, have taken his future into consideration as well."
Seeing the other man understand his reasoning, Beitang Ao felt very satisfied; smiling ever so slightly as he then continued: "Feili, there is no need for you to say such things to me; only you would clearly understand my intentions regarding that child's affairs. You are the one who is most capable of being my right hand, and my most favoured general. So once the matter of that child is forgotten, come back and assist me properly; I will not treat you unfairly!" With that said, he stood up and added, "Rest up well. I will come see you again."
"Sect Master," Yan Feili called out to him, "this subordinate has something of which to ask your approval..."
"What is it?" Beitang Ao turned towards him.
"This subordinate..." Yan Feili hesitated for a moment, yet still resolutely lifted his head, "This subordinate wishes to leave the headquarters after he has fully recovered, and go serve in the garrison at the border."
The darkening of Beitang Ao's complexion was immediate, his gaze sharpening while directed at the other man.
A cold chill from that man's glower pierced Yan Feili, but he still moved himself to kneel atop the bed despite this ominous gaze, "Please allow it, Sect Master!"
Beitang Ao looked on at the other man coldly for a while, before suddenly asking: "Feili, can you still say you feel no hate for me? If not, why are you doing all this?"
"This subordinate truly holds no hate towards Sect Master, please believe me Sect Master! But Doctor Qiu has said this subordinate's body has already declined due to an incompletely cured illness, and this body's martial ability will not be equal to what it was before. This subordinate feels that he would not be as strong as Sect Master wishes when staying at your side. So, it would be better for this subordinate to be sent to the base at the border and aid Sect Master in taking care of the matters over there, which will also be good in dispelling some of Sect Master's worry."
He had already thought over these things for a long time. Since he joined the Four Sects of Tianmen, he—in no way shape and form—cannot quit. The lands under the Jianghu were all controlled by the Tianmen, their reach crossing over national borders; its system strict and firm, its division between ranks distinct, and was at current much greater than all the imperial court systems.
In respect to economic authority, it was far stronger than all the nations united, and could even be said to be a perfectly established institution as well as the strength of the reigning country.()
So, since he could not leave, but may also wish to again stay by his Sect Master's side one day in the future; he just did not know how to deal with it, thus figured he might as well just avoid it.
"You want to leave me?"
"No!" Yan Feili immediately explained. "This subordinate remains loyal to Sect Master—the heavens can testify to that! How could he ever think of leaving."
Beitang Ao moved closer towards Yan Feili all of a sudden, his words spoken softly yet containing no trace of warmth: "That's great! Feili, know I will not allow you to leave. Even if your martial abilities aren't equal to how they were before, you are still a rare talent to come by, so how can I let you go off to that insignificant place to be forgotten! Besides, your body might also be unwell in the future, therefore how can I feel at ease if you leave! Just be good and stay by my side. I will surely make it up to you in the days to come." A faint smile graced Beitang Ao's features, but this smiling expression did not extend to his eyes.
"Have yourself a good rest, Feili; and don't ever think of those things again. Forget all those unhappy things from earlier, and remember, you are my most trusted general!" After he was done speaking, he brushed past the kneeling man and left.
Yan Feili then collapsed onto the bed in disappointment, at the knowledge that the Sect Master never being willing to let him go. Thus, he now could not avoid those things, and could now only face them.
The oath he swore to that youth on that night from long ago, would bind him for a lifetime. Alive, he was Beitang Ao's person. Dead, he would also be Beitang's vanguard to the underworld.
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iana: Yan Feili gave me a "I don't hate you, but I cant stand you" vibe this chapter, tbh