I was busy looking at the young kids playing happily at the playground in front of the ice cream shop where I had my afternoon meeting.
"I will look forward to hearing your decision, Ms. Kim," said the man while holding his hand out.
I just gave a small nod while returning the man's gesture. I carried my bag and went to the playground to see Bambam standing in the corner with his casual wear. When Bambam noticed me, he spoke to his microphone, giving signal that we are about to leave.
I was just about to take my fifth step inside the playground when a small body wrapped itself on my thighs.
"Mommy! You're back!" The young girl excitedly said, her happiness upon seeing her mother is evident on her high pitch tone.
"Hi baby! Did you miss me?" I leaned down to receive my daughter's sloppy kiss on my cheek.
"Yes! But I enjoyed my time here! I met a new friend!" The young girl said.
"Really?" I was surprised that my daughter was able to befriend someone in such a short period of time. Not that my daughter is hard to get along with, it's just that my daughter is very selective on who she's going to let in in her life.
And my life too.
At a tender age of 5, Ella is matured compared to other kids her age. She can already speak clearly and she seems to understand things kids around her age don't. One reason could be that she grew up with almost no children in her life, aside from school, of course.
"Where's your new friend? Can I meet her?" I asked my daughter.
Ella looked around, when she noticed the young boy standing a couple yards away from them. She ran to the boy and grabbed his hand and brought him to her.
She has her days when she still acts like a kid.
"Oh!" I faked a surprise look. "So your new friend is a him? What's your name baby boy?" I asked the young boy. He seemed younger than my daughter, and a bit tanned.
"I'm Louise and I'm three years old!" The boy introduced himself while holding out his hand, showing three fingers, well more likely like 2 and a half.
"Wow that's a very pretty name! So, Louise, tell me. Has Ella been good to you while you were playing?" I asked this young boy.
"Yes!" The young boy said while smiling.
"Mommy! Louise lived abroad! He told me different stories and different animals and different birds and how they lived there!" Ella said excitedly, words rushing on her small lips.
"Okay okay baby, speak slowly, we're not in a hurry," I said while chuckling.
You're very much like her.
No no no! She's not like her and she didn't get anything from her! She's mine and mine alone!
I returned my attention to Louise.
"Ella said you were from abroad? Where are your parents? Why are you playing here all by yourself?" I asked him.
"They will come back, they're just buying some ice cream," Louise said and just then his attention shifted to my back.
"Mommy!" He excitedly said then ran to my back. I turned around to greet his parents but was surprised to see the woman hugging him.
"Tzuyu?" I softly said. I'm not sure if it was really her. Aside from the fact that I haven't seen her for years, she looked different.
"Jennie?" Tzuyu seemed shocked to see me as well.
"Oh my god! How long has it been?" I hugged her. I was kinda baffled because it took her a couple more seconds to return my hug.
"Yeah, it sure has been long," Tzuyu said. She looked nervous.
"I didn't know you got married and this young bubbly boy is your son! Where's your husband?" I asked her.
Last time I heard of Tzuyu was when she had her farewell party. She said she's going abroad to find herself. She said she felt like there was something missing in her life. Seeing her married and has a son probably meant she found what was missing in her life.
"I didn't… I… Look, Jennie.. I-" she was cut off when Louise called her attention.
"Mommy!" Or so I thought he was calling for her attention. But Louise ran away from us. I followed him to see he was being carried by someone.
"Are you that excited to have your ice cream, buddy?" The person said. Even without seeing that person's face, she knew.. no.. she knows.. she knows who owns that voice.
How long have I waited to hear that voice again? How long have I waited even for a single telephone call? How many times did I call her, just to hear her voicemail? Just to hear that voice?
Her voice..
I felt like I was in the middle of an avalanche. I felt cold, and I couldn't move. My heartbeat is racing, my palms are getting sweaty and shaking at the same time, and my legs are getting wobbly.
When she raised her head, our eyes met.
It felt like everything that surrounds us suddenly stopped. No, they did not stop. They vanished. Suddenly, time stopped. I can only see her, and I can only hear my own crazy heart beat getting crazier and crazier.
I swallowed, trying to collect myself, when I heard her voice again.
"Jennie."
That simple word, that single word, is the last draw. It shook me to my core and I could no longer stop myself.
A tear escaped my eye when I said this word.
"Lisa."
I did not know how long was I in trance, until I felt someone tugging my skirt. I looked down to see my daughter looking at me.
"Mommy? Are you crying?" Ella asked me.
I quickly wiped the tear that escaped my eye before answering her.
"No baby, the sunlight was just hurting mommy's eyes," I told her with a small smile.
I looked up to see Lisa looking at Ella, her face unreadable.
"Lisa, I did not know you are already back in town," I tried to make a conversation before everything becomes awkward than it is.
"Yes, we just got back," Lisa answered.
We. Meaning her, Tzuyu, and Louise?
"I never imagined that you two would be together," I tried to smile but I could not bring myself to move my lips. Seeing them together, standing so close, Tzuyu standing on Lisa's right side while Lisa was carrying Louise using her left arm is bringing a new kind of pain that I never knew existed.
I thought I have already experienced the worst kind pain when you left me. I never imagined that seeing you with someone else would make that memory looked like a child's play.
"Jenni-" Tzuyu said but she was cut off when Lisa spoke.
"Yes. Everything happened so fast when we saw each other a few years back," Lisa said. Her voice and expression still void of any emotion.
How could you say everything was so fast when I felt like time stopped the moment you left me? How could you move on so fast with your life while I am still here, still collecting and mending my heart and trying to be strong for my daughter? Our daughter?
"Is that your daughter? She looked very much like you. I don't think she got anything from her father though," Lisa said while looking at Ella.
I was stunned with what she said.
Her father?
"Are you ins-"
"Anyway, we got to go. This little kiddo here still want to see the new movie that was released yesterday," Lisa said before turning around, not bothering to properly say goodbye.
"I'm sorry, Jennie. We got to go. I'm sorry again," Tzuyu said while bowing her head before catching up to Lisa's fast pace.
"Bye Ella!" Louise shouted.
Ella waved her hand while looking at their retreating figure.
I didn't know how long I was standing there, not moving at all. Everything happened so fast. One moment I was just having a meeting then I picked up my daughter, only to see my long lost friend and to learn that she now built a family with someone she knew very well was the person I have been looking for all these years.
I felt betrayed. I felt cheated. I felt I was being played by some unknown being.
I feel hurt.
Lisa, was that really you? Sure she still looked like the same Lisa that I knew, and at the same time not. Her eyes no longer have the glint and shine I was always seeing when we were together. The kindness, the adoration, the love, they were all gone. Her presence screamed coldness.
What happened to the Lisa I once knew?
Did I do that to you, Lisa?
"Ms. Jennie?" I looked at the person who called my name. When I saw Bambam's worried face, I can no longer stop myself. My knees suddenly wobbled, good thing Bambam was fast enough to catch me before I totally dropped.
"Just.. take us home.." I told him weakly.
Bambam nodded. He kneeled to pick Ella up and he guided me to our car.
I appreciate that my daughter has not spoken since then but I knew she was worried about me because I keep seeing her always turning her back to look at me.
I swallowed the lump on my throat before speaking in the most cheerful tone I can muster.
"Did you enjoy your ice cream, honey?" I asked her while pinching her cheek.
"Yes, Mommy," Ella said but she's still not averting her eyes.
"Did you enjoy playing with your new friend?" I find it hard to say his name, knowing that she's Lisa's love child from another woman, and my friend for that matter.
"Yes! I love his stories, Mommy! He told me a lot of new things!" Ella suddenly became lively. It was so obvious that she really did enjoy their short time together.
"Hmm.. that's good baby" I told her.
"Can we meet up with him again?" Ella asked me after a while.
"What?"
"I want to play with Louise again, Mommy" Ella repeated her request.
"I don't think that's possible, honey. We don't know where they live," I tried to think of ways to explain my daughter why she can no longer play with Louise.
Seeing Louise means seeing Tzuyu again.. or Lisa..or their complete family again.
And I don't think I can handle that..
"But you knew his parents, you conversed with them?" Ella insisted.
"Honey, I knew them from way back, but that does not mean we keep in touch. This is also the first time I saw them again after a very long time," I explained to her.
"But I want to play with Louise again," Ella said while pouting.
Ella rarely threw a tantrum. Eventhough at times we don't let her play, she would not sulk, she would just look for other things to do. She would only throw a fit when she really, and I mean really, wanted to have something.
Ella started stomping her tiny legs at the backseat of the car.
Oh god here it comes..
"I want to play with Louise again!" Ella cried.
"Honey, you have a lot of friends, you can play with them," I reasoned with her.
"I want Louise!" Ella screamed, her face was so red and tears are rolling down her face.
I pulled her and made her sit on my lap.
"Shhh.. hush now.. okay Mommy will try to talk to them, okay?"
"Promise?" Ella asked me.
"Mommy will try," I told her.
"M'kay...." Ella said sadly but thankfully she already stopped crying. She just stayed her position on my lap and I let her. I need my daughter's warmth right now.
I wish I could be a child again. I can cry my heart out whenever I want, I can say the things I wanted to say without thinking of anything.
I don't know the attachment my daughter and Louise has will be this strong.
It was the same as what Lisa and I had before.
I felt the same pain when I remembered Lisa again.
I looked at Bambam who was at the passenger's seat.
"Did you know that she was back?" I asked him.
"No, I don't, Ms. Kim. I only found out when I saw her this afternoon," Bambam answered.
If Bambam had no idea Lisa was going back, then no one else did. Because Lisa would check on Bambam first to know my whereabouts.
Or maybe she just no longer cares.
I swallowed to stop the lump that was starting to build in my throat.
When we arrived at our apartment, I just tossed my belongings at the couch and started to prepare a quick dinner for my daughter and I. I just want this night to end quickly and just be left alone.
When I tucked Ella in her bed and kissed her forehead, I went in my room. I took a quick bath. I wore one of Lisa's old shirt and took another shirt, I clutched in to my chest while inhaling her scent. I made sure to use the same soap as what Lisa was using so I can still smell her eventhough she's gone.
Before, inhaling her old shirts would help ease the pain of longing. But now, when I smelled her shirt, it brought me pain instead. Here I am, smelling her shirt while someone out there was smelling her own body. I was hugging an old and cold shirt while another person was hugging her body, feeling the warm it gives.
That night, I allowed myself to be weak. I allowed myself to cry all the pain that I was feeling. I allowed myself to let go all of the longing that have been bottled up until now.
Before, I was imagining that by the time we crossed our paths again, both of us would be ready face the future that I have planned for us and for our daughter.
But you have faced a different future with another person, while I was still looking back to how we were before.
Have you really moved on with your life, Lisa? Did you really forget about me? Please tell me how you did it, because I cannot seem to forget you. I keep seeing you everywhere, Lisa.
I kept crying that night, and I did not bother to suppress the sound my wailing heart is making.