hannah's pov
day one after i confessed my secret to jj i sat in bed all day and cried. i tried to call him but it went straight to voicemail. i wanted to go to his house again but i thought he might need some space. hell i needed some space from this thing we call reality.
i wanted to call ki who seemed to be my only friend here that was a girl. maybe she could understand the pain i felt inside my chest that just wouldn't seem to stop.
i decided not to cal her though, in fear that jj had already told them what had happened. i don't think i could handle having to defend myself again for something i didn't even want to be defended against.
i fucked up, i broke jj's trust. the person that mattered the most to me in the world and i broke their trust.
on day two i went to the chateau. it took a lot of strength to stand up from my bed after a full day of breaking down. i know i looked like an absolute mess when i showed up at his door so maybe it was lucky that he didn't answer it.
after i had knocked multiple times i just stood there and the only thing i got in return was silence.
i hoped for a call or even a text that day, hell anything would have been better than the heart-wrenching blankness that seemed to consume me that day.
on day three i knocked on his door again and was met with the same bitter silence as the day before.
i came to a realization that i may never be forgiven.
i knew jj was broken, but he was whole in my eyes. he was constantly making me laugh and putting a smile on my face. he reassured me time and time again that i belonged with him and the pogues, he made me feel like i finally belonged somewhere.
he always made me feel special, especially when he would stare at me, no matter how nervous i would get. he reminded me what happiness was after such a dark time in my life and i could never be more grateful for that.
but the fact of the matter is that he was still broken, from everything that happened in his past. i knew of it all because he trusted me enough to tell me. my head hurt just thinking about that.
i knew that because he already had a hard time trusting people that my lie meant more to him than i could have ever imagined. i wish i could take it back. i wish i could just go back and time and tell him the truth from the beginning.
however, what makes the whole thing worse in my mind is that if i did get a redo, i don't think i could have changed anything. during the legal process of my situation i was told to never speak about the situation. everything that took place and everything that i went through had to stay unspoken.
i wish jj could understand that i never wanted to lie to him.
day four i finally got the courage to call kiara. when she didn't pick up i knew that jj must have told her what i did, so i texted her, "please answer. please."
after calling her for the third time she finally answered on the other end but didn't speak. only the sound of her breath was clear over the line.
"ki," i croaked out out. "have you.. have you talked to jj?"
"yes," she answered tersely.
"kiara i-"
"i can't," she breathed out. "i can't listen to you right now because jj is my best friend and you broke him." she then proceeded to hang up the phone.
at this point i began to have an anxiety attack. something that used to be a common occurrence back home, but since moving here i haven't had to deal with one.
the blood pounded in my ears as my chest tightened. my vision disfigured as the hot tears began to well in my eyes. i began to cry hard as i felt the bile rise in my throat. i tried to take a deep breath to calm myself down but my breaths were short and shallow.
the tightness of my chest became so pronounced that i felt like i was choking. the dizziness was enough for me to need to move my numb limbs to my bed, where i could lay down.
i had never felt my mind race like it was and it took a long time for me to finally calm down.
i don't necessarily believe that my mind wanted the panicking to stop but that my body was to drained to continue.
day five i was extremely drained and everything seemed to blur by. i drove myself to the chateau unconsciously and knocked again to only meet the same fate as the days before. i was too exhausted to do anything else the rest of the day.
on day six i lost hope. pope and kiara never picked up anymore and jj seemed to be a lost cause as well in that department. my texts and calls were met with no response so i finally decided to call someone else.
"dad?" i said, my voice cracking.
"hi sweetie how are you," he replied over the line. i had called my dad once every week since i'd been here so i'm sure he didn't think anything of it.
"dad i need to come home," i sniffled, trying my best to hold in my tears.
"what?" he responded, concern evident in his voice. "did something happen?"
i took a deep breath which i'm sure he could hear over the line, "dad i just.. i need to come home."
"i don't- i don't know if that's the best idea right now," he said. "can you tell me what's going on?"
"please," i whimpered.
"honey," he sighed, "i have foster kids staying at the house right now."
"you always have foster kids at the house, what makes it different now?" i mumbled, swallowing down the knot in my throat. there was a long pause before he spoke again.
"well they're your age," he explained, surprising me.
he typically only fostered those who's cases he had to work on for a while, and those were typically younger kids. the younger children would also be less of an effect on me at home rather than someone my age.
"i-i don't care," i stammered, "please. please let me come home."
"okay," he finally assured me after a long period of silence, "i'll figure it out."
i let out my breath that i hadn't realized i'd been holding.
i was going home, except it didn't feel like it. it felt like i was going away from my home.
on day seven i made my last attempt at the chateau before i left. i knocked on the door and without surprise i got no response but i decided to speak anyways.
"jj," i croaked out, "if- if you're in there p-please listen to me."
silence.
"i fucked up, i fucked up really bad," i continued even with the lack of response. "i never wanted to hurt you, i was trying not to hurt you by not telling you.. but look where they got us." i sniffled before continuing to ramble.
"i'd do anything for you to forgive me even though i don't deserve it. please jj."
suddenly i heard a shuffle on the other side of the door. a sound that couldn't have lasted more than a second. but it was a sign that he was there and he was listening to me... but he wasn't coming out. he wasn't going to forgive me.
"i-i'm going home," i stated. "i don't want to cause anymore trouble than i already have and maybe it will make the pain go away." i wiped quickly at my face as a tear threatened to escape my eye. "i just want you to be happy."
i took a deep breath.
"jj i just need you to know that i'm sorry, i'm so sorry," i continued. "a-and i... i love you."
the door didn't open, no sounds were made, nothing was said in return. i turned around and went back to my car, breaking down before heading home and packing all my things.
on day eight i went home.
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authors note:
hi y'all i just wanted to take a quick sec to explain to you why hannah's feelings might seem dramatic in this. it was definitely a concern of my when writing this to not make it seem overly dramatized. basically hannah had never come to terms with the mistake she made and was still heavily traumatized by all the legalities she had to go through. therefore when opening up about her past caused her to lose the most important person in her life, it really took a toll on her.
anyways, thank you for all the support so far it means so much! can't wait to keep updating