Chapter XIV ─ Mixed Emotions
[ M I C H A E L G R I F F I N ]
Four days.
It's been four days since I nearly made out with Bryan Clay under the unrelenting moonlight. It has also been four days since I interacted with him in any way, shape, or form.
You could say I was a coward. You could say I was running away and hiding from my problems, but I'd beg to differ. Now that I've had a lot of egregious time to think over this entire debacle, distance seems like the best remedy for this awkward tension between Bryan and me. I wasn't exactly ready to ponder and explore my potential bisexuality either. I had a girlfriend, who was the one person I could confide in when the world went to shit, and whether I liked guys all of a sudden or not, shouldn't have mattered in the slightest.
On the other hand, Bryan wasn't exactly eager to have a conversation either. That night, I wasn't the only one completely down to lose all the shackles and devour the aphrodisiac that was another man's mouth. It would have been stupid of me to assume that Bryan wasn't going through this hardship with me.
It got me wondering though, was this attraction new to Bryan, had he known about it before that night? Had I been blind to it throughout growing up next to him? Or was he knees deep into uncharted waters just like me? One thing was for sure though, we needed space. A lot of space.
I was afraid that if we forced ourselves to bring it up so soon, it wouldn't end well for either of us. Not with Bryan's serious anger management issues and his stubborn self. I wasn't on a mission to get my nose broken or my lips bruised by my former best friend, I was on a mission to get my best friend back.
Things were going so well and I nearly fucked it all up because of my odd desires. That was a classic Michael Griffin move right there, ladies and gentlemen.
It was already Friday and we were getting ready to head on back home, this fall 'break', if you could call it that, had been more exhausting than relaxing. Both mentally and physically, my muscles felt like they were on fire all the time, I even began reconsidering my career choices, before they were set in stone.
This football camp thing, sounded more fun than it actually was, I expected a fun time with my teammates, playing some football and absolutely not getting overworked to the point of existential dread. It was a boot camp and I was sure to never go back to one if I could help it.
Five days felt like an eternity mixed with this underlying drama and tension between Bry and I. I was glad to say good riddance to that stupid camp, that looked so innocent and captivating under the moon's supervision. I was glad to say goodbye to the starry sky and go back home. I missed my mom's cooking, even if it had been only five days.
God, I missed my bed, that springy excuse of a bed I'd been laying on for the last four nights made sure to finish what the boot camp had spared. This might have sounded like I was very entitled and I couldn't deny that it did, however, in reality, I was just projecting. Trying to shift the blame of my life going downhill at a rapid pace on anything I could put my mind to.
It was the only thing helping me keep this façade of a collected individual, that had been stitched back together way too many times to count, going. In reality, everything happening around me was tearing me apart, but I couldn't complain, I didn't earn the right to.
I was the maker of my problems, now I had to live with them and slowly figure everything out like an adult. Lashing out and acting like a spontaneous pre-teen would do nothing to help my situation, I had too much to lose and too little to gain.
None of this hardship would have ever happened if my teammates didn't decide to bulldoze the West's handy dandy new expensive gym. My scholarship wouldn't be on the line, I wouldn't have to worry about putting my mother in an even deeper financial jeopardy than we were already in. I wouldn't have had to worry about my feelings, attraction—whatever the fuck it was—for Bryan. I had to stay focused, I had to get this assignment over with and try to get my life back to the state that I considered 'normal'. Now isn't the time to act stupid, Michael, remember that.
Was I over-analyzing this situation? A million percent, I had the habit of doing just that every chance I could. I was scared, what would happen with Bryan after this stupid little slip-up? What would happen to the assignment? Too many questions that I couldn't answer just yet kept rising forward and I was slowly losing my composure.
I needed to get off this bus, I needed to get back home and lock myself up in my room so I could reconsider every step I was going to take moving forward.
Just a couple hours later, in the same evening, I was greeted by the view of my humble abode, the blinds were shut, but the light was seeping through the fabric—my mother was home from work. I let out a sigh of relief, maybe she could help me get my shit together, no therapist could beat Janice Griffin.
My mother was the definition of a hero, every ideal to strive for, everything I ever wanted to be. Hardworking, caring, rational, and compassionate, she took the burden of raising me alone and supporting us financially when my biological father decided to dip. Mom worked and still works overtime, just so I didn't have to work while I was in school, despite my protests, she wanted my focus on building a better life for myself. I loved her, I will always love her and I will make sure that she's just as big of an influence in my life in the future as she was now.
I will always be grateful for what she has done for me and I hope that one day I'll be able to repay her for all the blood, sweat, and tears she'd shed for me over the years.
When mom was off work, she enjoyed cooking more than anything in the world, so I wasn't surprised to be greeted by a divine smell emanating from the kitchen. I smiled to myself, good to be back home from that godforsaken camp. "Michael? Honey, is that you?" I heard my mother holler.
"Yes, mom, I'm home!" I yelled back at her as I shrugged my jacket off and hung it near the entrance. The duffel bag I carried was already carelessly laying on the floor and I hurriedly kicked my shoes off.
I walked into the kitchen to be greeted by my mother mercilessly hitting dough with a rolling pin. I inspected the kitchen and saw that there were chocolate chip cookies and muffins already on the counter, but she looked far from done. "Are you sure you're not overdoing it, mom?"
"What are you talking about? This is barely anything." She replied in an innocent voice, her apron was dowsed in flour particles. "Come on help yourself to some treats, you look like you deserve some." I did just that and grabbed a cookie off of a plate.
It was the perfect mixture of chewy and gooey, my mother made some kickass chocolate chip cookies. Something about her food made me feel comforted in a way that nothing else could, I suspected that if I wasn't big on football and fitness, I'd probably be a walking tub of lard judging by how much my mother spoils me with good food. I was a glutton, sue me.
Before I knew it, she put a wet towel over the dough and took her apron off, with the full intention of giving me a bear hug as a 'welcome back home' gesture. "You okay, champ? You seem a little down."
"I, uh, yeah, I think I'm okay. A lot of dumb stuff went down in that boot camp, I feel like my body is about to give out." I replied. In reality, I wanted to talk about everything that went down, I was eager to, but I didn't want to show it. I knew my mother would drop everything she was doing to lend an ear and overcome this, but I didn't want to burden her more than I already did.
Mom crossed her arms and shot me a knowing look. "Come on, then, let's make some tea and talk about it, shall we?" God, yes, please.
Some ten minutes we found ourselves sitting on the living room couch with two steaming cups of green tea sitting on the coffee table. I felt like such a baby sometimes, here I was, a varsity jock by day and a mommy's boy by night, about to vent about my frustrations.
"Well? Tell me about the camp. Did you enjoy it? Did they feed you well? You know I could sneak some Rohypnol out and show to those punks that they shouldn't mess with us." She joked, my mother was ready to fight people who did me wrong. I didn't deserve her, I really didn't.
"Calm down, no Rohypnol necessary tonight. The camp was honestly pure hell, it was just a boot camp, working our asses off from dusk till dawn, not the way I wanted to spend my vacation and the food was fine, but it doesn't compare to yours." I sipped on my tea and recoiled in pain when the scorching hot water touched my lip.
"Something else is up, spill." My mother was perceptive as ever. "Did something happen with Bryan?" It was no secret that Bryan Clay was a big deal to me nowadays, my mother knew everything because I told her everything, she knew something was wrong between the two of us.
"Yeah, well, not really, but also sort of?" I sighed, bracing myself, I couldn't believe that I was about to tell my mother that I nearly kissed my ex-best-friend. "I sort of, uh, screwed it all up by nearly kissing him, now we're not even on looking terms. I'm royally screwed."
She blinked at me, trying to process my mouthful of information as best as she could. A minute of silence passed before my mother said something. "You nearly kissed him? Is there something else you're not telling me about?"
I was embarrassed enough admitting the fact that I nearly kissed Bry to my mom, but having to explain the fact that I suddenly wanted to kiss a guy was a whole different level of embarrassment. "I don't know why I got that urge, it's totally new to me and it's eating me alive, please don't hate me." I blurted out.
She lightly slapped the top of my head. "How could I ever hate you for something as insignificant as that? How could I ever hate you, period? You want to kiss a guy, big deal! So do I! Don't feel bad about having these feelings, don't forget that you're still young and you're still figuring yourself out, life is a journey, but you're not set to one path." Mom paused to take a deep breath. "Tell me, what happened next, you said you nearly kissed him, did he stop you? Did he make fun of you? Did he lash out on you?"
"Well, no, he, I, coach Kyle walked out on us, it was the middle of the night and we were supposed to be sleeping, but no, he didn't lash out on me or anything... he seemed as into it as I was at the time. God, I can't believe I'm telling you about this." I sighed.
"Sounds to me like he's just as confused as you are, but you probably already know that. You have to talk to him about it, there's no real reason not to talk about it, you care about Bryan a lot, you always did. I know how much it tears you apart when you two aren't on good terms with each other. I've seen you get hurt way too many times, and that hurts me. I want to see him around the house again, he was like another son to me. And listen, I have no problem with you being who you want to be, I'm all for you being true to yourself and living your life without feeling like you have to fulfill some sort of a heteronormative role. But before you consider doing anything and before you consider exploring anything, please talk to Ash, you can't hurt that girl by acting recklessly."
"I know, it's just a lot of things all at once, I want Bryan back in my life. I don't want to hurt Ash, I don't want to hurt Bryan and I don't want to hurt myself in the process, but everything is just so confusing. Here I am, suddenly trying to kiss my former best friend like he was the only thing I longed for, it's like I don't even know who I am anymore. Why now? Why does everything have to boil down to this point in time?" My voice cracked as I voiced more questions I couldn't answer.
"Life keeps challenging us in mysterious and cruel ways, but I trust that you'll figure things out and overcome, I'll be there along the way with you. I love you, Michael. All I ever want in life is for you to be happy and find your place in the world." My mother teared up, pulling me into a warm embrace. "We'll figure things out. Trust me."
I nodded into her shoulder, finally tearing up and letting my emotions take control of me.
"Now get some rest, honey, you deserve it. Tomorrow is going to be a better day." She kissed my forehead reassuringly.