Alex's POV
"I love you," I hear Austin say.
I'm shocked to hear him say the words and loosen my grip a little bit. Hearing him say the words is like a weight lifted off my chest, I finally got the confirmation I needed. So, what now? Do I shoot my shot, wait no it's still too early. He could just be saying it because of how miserable he's feeling right now. But what if he's saying the truth, what do I do now. I'm so confused, I've never felt this way for someone other than Ethan. I clear the thoughts out of my head and grip him tighter. It doesn't matter if he means it or not, what matters is that he said it.
"I'm such a disappointment," the words come from my chest a minute later.
I move back from him, giving him a look of shock. Never have I ever expected to hear those words from someone like him.
"What in the world makes you think that?" I ask him, pulling my legs into a criss-cross position.
He looks down at the floor, his eyes all puffy and bloodshot. "It's true, all I do is disappoint people."
I scoot closer to him, talking his hands, not caring what he thinks about it. "Look at me."
His head slowly comes up and I look him in the eyes. "You are not a disappointment," I make sure to say it slowly so he got the point.
He just looks at me so I'm not sure if what I said sunk in or not. I stare back at him, waiting for some kind of reaction. After several seconds no redaction comes and I have to conclude that this is starting to get really awkward. Just as I'm about to break his stare, I notice him getting oddly close. I tell myself not to panic as he gets closer, I'm not sure where this going and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react.
"Umm, Austin." My words come out in a whisper.
A sounds comes from his throat, almost like a moan.
"I don't think this is a smart decision," it coming out as a squeak.
He ignores my squeakiness and continues to come closer. My palms are starting to get sweaty, do something Alex, I yell inside my head.
"I... I," I struggle to get out as I release his hands and scramble up off the floor. He looks at me in surprise and watches as I wipe my hands across my shirt to get the sweat off.
Then a look of disappointment crosses his face and I feel absolutely terrible.
"I'm sorry," I tell him as I watch him get up off the floor and wipe the tear streaks from his face.
He shakes his head, avoiding my gaze. "It's fine."
I watch helplessly as he turns away from me and starts unpacking again. I open my mouth several times to try to apologize or make some kind of conversation but fail each time. I don't know what overcame me, just the thought of him coming towards me like he was about to kiss me made me all jittery inside. I'm not ready for that or at least I don't think so.
"Austin," I finally get out.
"It's fine Alex, no big deal, like you said it's not smart." He mumbles, his back towards me.
It hurts to hear him repeat my words. I don't know what to do, I know I hurt him. I stare at him, wanting desperately to take the last five minutes away, to start over and maybe this time accept whatever he was about to do.
I move to where I can at least see some part of his face even if it's half of it. I look at him, searching for some kind of emotion. All I see is hurt or at least a little bit of it.
"Austin," I mumble.
His sudden bout of anger shocks me. He slams the book he was holding down, sending shock through me.
"Look," his gaze jerks towards me. "It's not a big deal, it was a mistake."
His words hurt me, it was a mistake. I could disagree with that. What he was about to do was not a mistake, it just shocked me, like really shocked me. Whatever I'm about to do, I hope I don't regret it.
While he's staring at me, I reach up and place my hand behind his neck, pulling him towards me. My sudden movement seems to shock him. I have no time to register any second thoughts as I press my lips against his.
This felt different, not like it felt with Ethan. His lips were warm and welcoming. I could get used to this, I can feel him relax beneath my hand on his neck and I press my chest against his.
One thing I could say about what I had just done was that this was going to change things. Let's just hope it's good.