I BITE ON my bottom lip, feeling the overwhelming awkwardness wash over me. "What does this mean?" Sebastian whispers softly, lifting up our adjoined hands. His face wasn't angry or pressing; it was genuinely curious.
"I don't know," I admit. "I really, really don't know Sebastian."
Sighing, I tear my hand from his grip and stand, running a hand through my messy hair. It was only a mess due to him running his fingers through it minutes before, but I didn't mind. "What do you know, then?" he presses. I turn to look at him, clasping my hands together.
"All I know is that you're the first thing I think of every day and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep," I admit, speaking slowly. "I love it when you touch me and I hate it when you talk to girls like Dana. It makes me so jealous I can barely think."
Sebastian's lips press together. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," I mumble, looking down at my shoes.
"How do you think I always feel?" he asks and I look up at him. His beautiful face was showing a new kind of pain, one I hadn't noticed before. Jealousy. "Hayley's great, Braylen, and I'd never want to take anything from you guys. But I just can't stand it when you hug her or kiss her." He chuckles bitterly. "I kept telling myself that what I was feeling was something else, but it's not. It never was."
I go to sit back next to him. lowering myself down softly. "And what is that? What are you feeling?" I press, needing him to say it first. I'd put myself out there; it was his turn.
Sebastian looks over at me, licking his lips. "Why'd you kiss me?"
"Why'd you pull away?" I retort.
He points an accusing finger at me, chuckling sharply. "I'm not saying it first!"
"Saying what, exactly?" I ask as I pout my lips softly at him, feigning confusion. His smile drops a bit and he just looks at me.
We stare at each other, neither of us making a move to answer any of the questions we'd asked. "Christ, Braylen," he mumbles, sounding put out as he leans back against the bench, staring at the sky. "I like you."
"You do?" I ask as my voice rises in surprise.
"Of course I do," he says, looking back down at me. "You couldn't tell?"
I smile gingerly. I suppose I could've—if I'd known there was a possibility he had. His eyes as he stared at Hayley and I at the Bash as we kissed had said more than his words ever did. And his words said almost just as much.
"I like you and I have for so long now that when you kissed me, it didn't feel real. I like you, Braylen Adams. Now you say it," he whispers pleadingly. I could see how hard it was for him to admit his feelings for me. I could understand why it was so hard for him to admit them. Once you get past the fear of rejection, there's the fear that what we're doing is wrong, that what we're feeling is wrong.
I nod once, so subtle I'm sure he's missed it. But of course he doesn't and less than a second later his lips are back on mine.
Sebastian kisses me hard and I respond quickly, pressing my fingers into his waist as his thumb pushes lightly against my neck and his hand winds themselves around my throat. He smiled into the kiss, sighing softly into my mouth as my heartbeat picks up. I was dizzy and happy and confused all at once.
Why did we spend all those years hating each other when we could've been doing this?
Sebastian slows against my mouth, kissing me less feverishly but no less passionate. He presses his fingers into my throat again, pulling me closer as his lips kiss my cheekbones and the corner of my lips. I was sure I'd have small red marks from where his hands had been, but I didn't care. If those marks meant that he was mine, I'd wear them proudly.
"No one can know about this yet," I murmur against his lips. He pulls back just a little so his eyes are looking at me. "There'd be hell to pay."
Sebastian presses his mouth to my cheek once more before speaking. "I can't just go back to how things were before, Braylen. I want you." He presses a finger into my chest to further prove his point. I smile.
"I didn't say we had to stop," I murmur, lifting my chin and kissing him again. He breaks away from me, more interested in talking than kissing. For the moment, at least. "We'll have to be smart about it. Sneaking around, I mean. If anyone finds out..."
"They won't," he assures me, reaching and grabbing my hand. "We'll be smart." Sebastian smiles again, pulling me in for another kiss. I laugh against his mouth, sighing as he kisses me deeply before pulling away.
"It's not smart for us to stay out here," I whisper. "We've gotta go back inside."
He sighs. "Okay."
Neither of us moves.
I couldn't help but wish we could stay in Devin's little garden for the rest of my life. I felt safe here, tucked in the corner and in Sebastian's arms. I felt like I could be anything and not even have to worry about the repercussions. I knew he felt the same way.
"What're you going to do about Hayley?" he asks, rubbing his fingers along my thigh in a way that made it hard for me to think.
I shrug my shoulders once. "Not much I can do, right? It'd be suspicious if I just stopped hanging out with her. But I guess I'll have to rip the bandaid off at some point. When I figure things out."
"Do you like her?" he asks tentatively.
I shrug again, not able to clearly answer the question. "It's different than you and I."
"How?"
I sigh. "Hayley's easy to be with. She's beautiful, she's nice, smart."
"And she's a girl. And I'm not," he mumbles. His voice sounded angry, but I knew it wasn't at me. He was angry at the unfairness, angry at the difficulty we'd face for even liking each other.
"Everything else still applies to you, though," I say before scrunching my nose. "That's not true. I wouldn't say 'nice' is 100% accurate. I mean, we spent our entire lives hating each other."
He chuckles darkly. "I could never hate you, Braylen Adams. Not a chance."
And then he kisses me once more and I shut my eyes, dreading the moment we'd have to go back inside.
¥
"Do I look okay?" I whisper to Robyn as we exit Hayley's car. I was in a yellow and grey flannel with a white shirt underneath along with blue jeans and my signature chains along the belt buckle. My hair was brushed more than usual in a half up style and Robyn furrows her brows.
"Who are you dressing up for, hmm?" she asks, winking at me.
I blush. "Nobody. It's Thanksgiving."
"It's actually Black Friday," Hayley says, sliding next to me. She was in a mustard dress with long sleeves and and wearing my jean jacket. "You guys ready?"
"I've got the vodka," Robyn says, lifting up the bottle.
I swallow hard as I remember my last time with alcohol. "Keep that away from me."
We walk up to Sebastian's house and he pulls the door open before we can even knock. His blonde hair was slightly more tamed than usual and he looked absolutely breathtaking in his beige turtleneck and light blue jeans. He gives us all a smile but brings his eyes to mine and I know it's just for me.
"My beloved nemesis!" Robyn says, squeezing his hand once.
"Hey, short stack," he responds, shaking her hand back. I smile softly. Sebastian and Robyn's friendship was rough around the edges, to say the least, but I was glad to see they didn't 100% hate each other anymore. Robyn goes inside and the boys cheer excitedly at her presence.
Hayley bounces in after her, all bubbles and excitement. Then, it's just me and Sebastian. His eyes bore into mine, a small smirk appearing on his face. "Hi," he whispers.
"Hi," I respond back. He glances behind him and once deeming the coast is clear, he leans forward and presses his lips softly to my forehead. I smile as he does, looping my fingers through his. "How was your Thanksgiving?"
He shrugs. "The guys and I watched some football, drank gallons of beer. What about you? How was the u-unagi?" he asks, trying to pronounce the word I'd texted him yesterday when he asked about the menu.
"Unagi," I assure him. "You said it right. And it was delicious."
He smiles victoriously. "Oh, crap. You're probably cold. Um, come in. Devin, Hunter, and I are cooking."
"Should I be worried?" I joke and he smiled again. I honestly couldn't remember ever being this happy and I knew exactly why. Sebastian and I had been talking over video call every single night until we both fell asleep. Once I got past the initial shock that he'd actually felt the same, I realized how much I loved just talking to him.
"Hey, Brayballs!" Hunter says, pulling me into a hug. He had an apron on but it was splattered with flour, along with his porcelain skin. "I'm in charge of the pie. I promise it's gonna be epic!"
I chuckle. "I don't doubt it."
I glance over and see Robyn and Devin talking quietly to each other the sound of the television drowning them out. I smile softly to myself and follow Sebastian into the kitchen as Hayley and Hunter head into the living room.
I barely have time to shut the door behind us before Sebastian walks up to me, pulling my face into his hands and pressing his lips to mine. I melt against his body, happy I didn't just imagine his lips feeling this good against mine a week ago. He slips his tongue past my lips, a low sound emitting from his mouth and pushes my back against the door.
My mind reels as my fingers claw up and down his back and I find myself wishing there wasn't all this material that was holding me back from skin, his skin. Sebastian moves down to my neck, kissing and marking the skin as his own. I lean my head back against the door and shut my eyes tightly, bringing my arms up to his shoulders and clutching onto him. "No...hickies," I get out, breathing deeply. "They'll know."
He groans softly, pressing one last kiss to the hollow of my throat before pulling back, looking at me. I sigh at the sadness on his face and stand on my toes to kiss the tip of his nose. "I'm sorry."
"I wish we could tell people," he admits, biting his bottom lip. "I mean, they're our friends. I think they'd understand."
I shake my head. "Are you really ready to come out to all of them?"
Sebastian gnaws on his lip some more, sighing. I can tell that coming out is a sore topic and decide to ask him something that's been rattling in my brain for a while. "Hey, can I ask you a personal question?" I ask, messing around with his belt buckle and keeping my eyes away from his.
"Okay," he responds easily, leaning his arm onto the wall next to my head. "Shoot."
I open my mouth and then close it again, trying to think of a good way to word this. "Are you...what do you identify as?"
"Identify?" he asks confusedly. He scrunches his cute nose up and I resist the urge to kiss it again.
"Yeah, like...are you gay or bisexual or do you not know? It's okay if you don't know and I know it's a really personal question and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable or—"
"Braylen," he cuts me off, smiling widely. "It's okay. You don't have to ever be embarrassed about anything with me. Okay?"
I nod under the intensity of his gaze. "So?"
Sebastian shrugs. "I never really labeled myself. I've liked guys before and you know I like girls, so."
"Does it ever bother you? Not knowing exactly what you are?"
He smiles, kissing my cheek. "I know who I am. I think that's all that matters."
I grin. "I like that."
"I like you," he jokes, leaning forward and kissing my lips once.
I laugh. "You are incredibly cheesy."
Sebastian laughs with me and then moves away from the door. "I've gotta finish cooking. You're purposefully distracting me."
"How? Is it because I'm so adorable?" I ask, making what I hoped was a sexy face. It must not have been because he laughs loudly, grabbing a few things from the fridge. "How can I help?"
Sebastian shakes his head, smiling at me. "Nope. You're my guest. Now go out there and socialize. Also, bring Hunter in. I think his pie is burning."
I laugh loudly, heading for the door but turning around once more to look at the goofy smile on his face.
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once again i am late for my update but hey i graduated high school ! happy pride month girls, gays, and theys and enjoy this chapter <33333