Gerald: Pens
John: Pencils
Duncan: Coins
Defender: Pebbles
Jose: Broomstick handle
Michael: Fishing rod handle
Texas: Umbrella handle
Zumwalt: Toothbrush handle
Virginia: Hockey stick handle
Enterprise: Fingers
Wales: Small glass jars
Illustrious: Test tubes
Hood: Screwdriver handle
Unicorn: Stiff cocks
Hornet: Cigars
Warspite: Banana
Author: OBJECTS THAT I'VE SHOVED UP MY ARSE
(Everyone looks at Author Awkwardly)