College - Freshman Year - Five Years Ago
Sid stepped out of the car and allowed herself to take in the sprawling lawn where people laid out on blankets. Frisbee's were flying. Upstate New York seemed to just be an extension of Central Park from what she could see. This is where she would spend the next four years? This is the place that was supposed to mold her into a great chef and businesswomen? By the looks of her fellow undergrads lighting up a joint on the front lawn, she was not quite convinced. But nonetheless, she imagined leaving here, older, wiser, and ready to take on the entire world. Optimism tingled in her brain for the first time in a long time and... it made her want to vomit.
Aiden emerged from the car a moment after her and she felt awful for thinking that he shouldn't be here. Not him specifically but who he is. A boyfriend. A boyfriend doesn't drop you off as you embark on one of the most important phases of your life. Her mom and dad should be the ones dropping her off for college. Instead, it was Aiden. Her mother had moved to a large home only twenty minutes away from campus but she was so busy with starting her new life that she could not spare an afternoon away for this huge moment. It was disheartening but unbelievably on-trend with how she had behaved ever since the night that Sid told her what she had seen. It was like her mother turned the grief faucet to a permanent off position and never looked back.
In the four months since her father's death, Tanya Berry had packed up all his things and shoved them to places unknown, bought a new home — not the one that her Dad had originally picked out for them — and even started a new business. Tanya hated when Sid called it 'her business'.
"It's not a business. It's a non-profit! I'm helping kids. Ones just like you and Whitney who have experienced trauma and need support." Tanya would yell at her.
The irony always caused Sid to roll her eyes and suggest that she start with supporting her own kids. And then they would speak for a few days. The cycle was vicious but Sid found it hard to hold her tongue while her mother tried to erase her father so she lived with Aiden for the past month. Being at home had become just a bit more than she could bear.
Especially because Sid was pretty sure her mother was screwing Regis Hollins. Yes, the sleazy lawyer who helped her win her sham of a lawsuit against the MTA. Yes, they did what they set out to. Her mother was now a few signatures shy of being a multi-millionaire and Regis wasted no time crawling into the loaded widow's bed. The whole thing made Sid nauseous and she wanted nothing to do with it. None of the money. Not the house. It was all bought on the back of her Father's death. So when Whitney and her mom moved from Brooklyn to the suburbs of New Rochelle, Sid crashed with Aiden and his folks. If her college hadn't been paid for through scholarships she probably would not have gone either. She was proud. Glad she could at least do this one thing for herself with no misery or regrets.
"Let's get checked in and then settle you into your dorm first since I already met my roommate." Aiden's head was buried in a map of campus.
Aiden did all the right things to prepare for college. He filled out the questionnaires and signed up for club meetings and Face-Timed his roommate at least once a week prior to getting to campus. It was obnoxious to watch. Especially since his enthusiasm and normalcy made her anxious and depressed. She didn't know what dorm she was staying in. Didn't even know her roommate's name and never even attempted to contact them. Her mother dropped off the college packets as they came to Aiden and he filled out the information. But he could not force her to do human contact. As she watched all the other people milling about— post-pubescent joy and marijuana coursing through them--she realized that being antisocial may not fly so well. Her body started to buzz with a nervous hum that sparked at the base of her spine and engulfed her whole body. She closed her eyes, trying to keep it at bay. She felt a cool hand snake into hers and opened her eyes.
Aiden was holding her hand and wearing that worried look that was etched into his face so often now because of her.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. It's just..." Sid let the corner of her mouth inch upward. Hoping that it looked reassuring.
"A lot?" Aiden finished.
"Yeah." He pulled her hand up toward his lips and placed a kiss there that matched his gentleness.
"Check-in is that way. Once we get settled, we can hunt down some burgers. I'm starved." He patted his pudgy belly, and Sid laughed. He was always hungry. Sid was convinced his parents sent him away for college so that he could stop eating them out of house and home.
—---
Two nights later, Sid found herself sitting on her bed listening to DMX and binging brownies she made in the middle of the previous night while she couldn't sleep. She wondered if rest would ever be a part of her life again, or if she was damned to reliving her father's death and her own pain over and over again. Her head and stomach hurt from the brownies but she shoved another one in any way. Just as she was preparing another brownie to meet it's death her dorm room door flung open. Sid jumped up frightened and the entire tray of chocolate indulgence hit the floor.
"Fuck." Tiny brown crumbs were all over the floor. Sid was annoyed at the mess but heartbroken over the loss of her snack. What was she going to binge eat now? She looked up to the doorway and could only see an antique cherry-wood trunk with travel stickers all over it blocking the doorway. Sid was sure that she was about to see a serial killer emerge and that her body would soon be stuffed into the trunk but instead a moment later a girl with a slight little figure appeared. Sid took her in. She looked both homeless and well cared for simultaneously. What the hell did they call it? Boho Chic? Her brown button-down shirt was tucked halfway into white cotton shorts that looked like the softest thing anyone could ever feel. The girl looked effortless but it was obvious that it cost her a lot to look that way. A moment later she stepped over the trunk into the room a threw a duffel next to the empty bed that was pushed against the wall. Sid assumed this was her roommate.
"Hey, I'm Sidney." Sid threw over her shoulder as she scooped up her brownie mess. Her hair was in the struggliest bun she could imagine and chocolate stained her white t-shirt. She felt she looked awful so she tried not to stare at this put-together creature head-on.
"Hello. My name Tomiju. I am... room? Mate?" The girl spoke in a heavy Japanese accent, her words punctuated with uncertainty. Shit...Sid thought. Now she probably looked like the rude Black girl who could not even meet her foreign roommate's eye during their first meeting. Sid stood upright and dusted herself off before crossing over to the girl. She extended her arm for a handshake before deciding that in her country she may be used to bowing. Sid bowed halfway awkwardly.
"Yes, I am your roommate. Do you need some help?" Sidney was still half bowed and spoke slowly using her hands to try and explain her words.
The girl looked at her curiously. Sid felt like she was doing this all wrong.
"Nah, I'm just screwing with you. I'm from the Upper East Side. Call me Tomi." Tomiju burst into high pitched giggles and slapped on her tiny thigh before going back over to her trunk and pulling it into the room with two hands.
"Nice one." Sid rolled her eyes. Great, a character. When she first got to the room she hoped that her roommate would be quiet and mousey but after she didn't show up for two days she hoped that she never would. People get cold feet all the time. Plans change. Maybe whoever this girl was had decided not to go off to college and to get right to work. All those hopes were shattered when Tomi and her trunk came barreling in.
And the barrels continued. The door swung open a second later. Aiden stood with a big smile on his face before he noticed Tomi.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were..."
"Yes, I have arrived! Sorry, I'm late folks. I found this bomb ass trunk online. Dude was selling it in Mississippi so I had to go down and get it."
"You went down to Mississippi by yourself to buy an antique trunk?" Aiden's stranger danger meter was through the roof. Sid knew that if he knew Tomi better he would give her a lecture.
"What, was I supposed to bring bodyguards? It's a fucking trunk and the guy was like ninety."
"You brought an empty trunk to college?"
"Yes, I hope to fill it with lovely memories." Tomi's sarcasm was wicked and Sid was already picking up on that. "Nah, I want to make a vanity from it."
Sid opened her mouth feeling like she had a bunch more questions but she also believed that the answers Tomi gave her to those questions would only lead to further questions. So instead, she shut her mouth and sank back onto her bed. Aiden shook his head and turned his attention to Sid.
"A crew is taking the train into the city to hit up a Hookah lounge. You want to go?" Aiden looked cautiously optimistic although he already knew Sid was going to say next.
"I'm not taking the train." The words spilled out of Sid's mouth automatically. She had not been on or near a train since her father's death, and although the therapist her mother forced her to go through had tried for the past four months, they had only gotten her as far as the first step down the subway before she crumbled into a shaking and muttering mess.
"I know, I'll drive."
"But everyone else is taking the train. You'll miss out on the fun."
"It's fine. Do you want to go?"
"Are they drinking?"
"Probably."
"Then you won't be able to drink either."
"I shouldn't be drinking anyway. It's fine. Sid, just tell me if..." Aiden's frustration was growing.
"No, just go with your friends and have fun. I'll chill here." Sid stared at Aiden and he matched her gaze. Neither of them said a word as an unspoken battle raged between them. He wanted Sid to push herself. But he failed to understand how raw everything still felt for Sid. Four months for him probably felt like a lifetime. But for Sid it was as if it was just yesterday she was playing a silly game with her Dad, waiting for a train they waited for countless times. She wished she could comfort Aiden by giving him a timeline on when she would be okay. But she couldn't because she didn't even know herself. She did, however, know it wouldn't be tonight.
"Can I come?" Tomi's voice broke through the tension. Sid looked a Tomi, who had not even unpacked a single bag and started to laugh. She was grateful for this weird person at that moment. Her and Tomi didn't know each other but Sid believed that Tomi somehow sensed that she needed an out. She gave her one. Aiden looked annoyed but ever the gentleman agreed. Tomi gestured for the door and Aiden made his way over to it. He turned to Sid before he exited.
"I'll call you later, okay?"
Sid nodded and slid her headphones on. She watched Aiden leave out with Tomi trailing behind. Tomi twirled and winked at Sid. Sid smiled, a genuine one for once before the door closed behind them.
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