"It's over."
"Sarelle? Where have you been, what's over?" Her voice was soft and curious, maybe even worried. Why was she worried?
Because my breathing is tearing out of my lungs.
"I said 'goodbye' and now it's over."
"I don't understand, Sarelle." Her voice was more panicked now. Was I supposed to panic? Was that the right thing to do when your heart feels like it is trapped in a vice, unable to beat?
"He's gone and everything is over." Why does it hurt to think his name, to say it? Why did this hurt so much? How can I survive the horrific nightmares but the loss of a dream is unbearable?
My words were jumbled and staggered. They reflected my mind perfectly. Nothing ran smoothly, it was all just disjointed and unclear.
I was lost; my soul was lost because it had been torn from its other half.
Torn, ripped, broken.
Must be fixed, must be reunited, must be rebuilt. But how?
Epiphany was a fine thing to behold, and it came to me like lightning striking the ground. Fast and furious, cutting through the dark.
"I just need to find him, he exists. I just have to find him, and then I will be fixed. No monsters. I will be perfect. We'll be perfect." I rose from my place beside Her. I walked steadily to the front door, a small smile plastered on my face. My eyes were clear of tears so I saw Her confused expression. I didn't feel confusion. I knew what had happened and I knew what I had to do to find him. I had to get out of this house, no matter Her protests and questions.
I opened the front door and bright sunlight blinded my eyes.
I gasped.
The beautiful day outside reminded me of our days in the meadow.
His glittering skin, his touches, his eyes, his voice, his love. I drowned in everything he was.
I drowned and I fell. I felt my body sinking down to the ground. First my knees hit the soft wooden floor, then my palms caught my weight as the dry sobs started to rip me apart, finally I felt myself curl into the cold feel the floor gave me.
Just like him.
The waves of pain came, and I let them wash over me mercilessly while Her arms held me in perplexed comfort.
I did not resurface, not for hours, maybe not even for days, but eventually a time came when my conscious broke the surface of the misery I had swam in.
My body was still clad in the pale pink sundress I had worn when...
My mind stopped me immediately. Now was too early and raw to think of...
I rose clumsily from the foreign white bed and examined my surroundings. I was in a bedroom although it didn't seem to belong to anyone. It was decorated with simple furniture and pale yellow walls. My gaze drifted to the window opposite me, light filtered hazily through the transparent drapes. It was sunny outside, brighter than I had seen in many months.
A soft knock on the door interrupted the muffled silence. My body felt like it hadn't been truly alive for an extensive amount of time.
I didn't vocally answer the door but I crept off the bed, weak and wobbling like a newborn lamb.
I opened the door carefully and glanced upon Renée's surprised blue eyes.
"Sarelle, honey, you're up." She smiled and bustled into the room, placing a tray of food on the small white bedside table and peeling apart the drapes.
The room flooded with sunlight and I grimaced against the intensity. I had been in the dark for so long, in more ways than one.
"You should eat something, Hun. It's been nearly a week and you've hardly eaten." Renée's voice was soft as she offered me the glass of orange juice.
I took it dumbly, holding it in my hand as I looked down into the vibrant colour. I didn't feel hungry. I didn't feel very much at all. Not even the pain of before, the pain of losing...
I should feel something. It was normal and right to feel something. Was it possible to use up your life's quota of emotion in a matter of a few days?
"Sarelle, are you going to drink that?" Renée's teasing smile didn't reach her eyes. I hadn't realised I had been staring down at the juice for so long.
I brought the juice up to my lips and took a sip. The fruity citrus flavour danced on my tongue.
A faint smile flickered on my lips.
"Thank you, Renée," I said but my voice was cracked and hoarse. What had I been doing for the past few days? I couldn't remember anything from my numb state, just darkness. I placed the orange juice back on the tray; I would make a point to finish the meal later.
"No problem, anything you want, just ask." She gave me a small hug, and although I was rigid and tense at first, I soon relaxed into her arms.
"I want to be with him again." I sniffled into her shoulder. It was the act of a lovesick teenager, which in a way was what I was. But to me it felt like so much more. So much more mature, deep and lasting. I always considered myself older than my years, but it seemed no matter how much more mature I felt in everyday life, heartbreak could still reduce me to the youth I was meant to be.
"Oh, honey." She stroked my hair, running her fingers through to rid it of the knots.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. Would it help? Could just talking make everything better?
"I think... I just want to distract myself. I can't think about it, it just hurts." I exhaled forcefully to stop the lump from forming in my throat.
I knew this was coming, Edward and I had known our end was chasing us from the very beginning. If I knew it to be inevitable, why did heartbreak still catch me by surprise?
"Distraction I can do. How about you get yourself showered and sorted, and we'll have a good catch up. Phil will be home later so we have a few hours for some girl time." I nodded before following Renée as she buzzed around the top floor, gathering showering items. I registered her mentioning 'Phil' but I didn't press for understanding. That would come later.
"OK, honey, I'll get some towels for you. Have you got clothes?"
"Yes, I have clothes." I glanced towards my bag in the corner of the room. I knew I had more than enough outfits stashed within, but part of me didn't want to open the bag up. It seemed to resemble Pandora's Box in my mind, filled with things I didn't want to let out again – not after finally closing the lid.
I followed Renée out of the room towards a shining lime green and white bathroom. My mind wandered aimlessly and her chattering faded from my ears as I stared into space, not really seeing my surroundings.
"Right, well that's the shower running. The door sticks a bit so you have to give it a big tug. Just bring your food down with you." She bumbled around the room as it started to fill with steam.
I just nodded and stood until she was finished organising the things. My body felt odd like it was gradually waking up from a jump, only this time it was sluggish.
"See you in a bit." Renée turned to leave.
"And Sarelle... It's nice to see you again, more like yourself." She smiled a little before shutting the door behind her, leaving me in the steam filled room.
Steadily I undressed and eased myself into the shower. It was heavenly.
My muscles relaxed and my mind finally caught up to its usual speed. I could finally feel something, and it hurt deeper than any loss I had previously suffered. The tears burst free closely followed by the angry need to exact my rage on something, to scream and throw a tantrum over the injustice I had been dealt.
I knew Edward and I had to hit a wall, fate had made that perfectly clear. So, what had I expected? Did I honestly think that the future's course could be changed by my desires? No, I wasn't that naive or at least I hoped I wasn't. If I was, then perhaps it was triggered by desperation and hope because the end was too terrible to consider.
Yet of course it had come, more swiftly than I expected.
The water drained away down the plughole, taking with it the last of my tears. I wouldn't cry anymore. Wallowing would get me nowhere. It wouldn't bring me to him, only living and the passing of time could do that.
Since I would have to endure this time without him regardless I may as well enjoy it, or at least not waste it. That had always been my mindset and this time of heartbreak would not change anything.
I glanced at the locket that lay resting on my pale pink dress, glinting in the sunlight. I wished my mother could be here to whisper her support while my father joked and entertained until I felt nothing of the previous pain. Alas they weren't here, they never would be again, and in truth I no longer missed them in the way I did before. It wasn't that their memory was forgotten or unwanted, but instead that I no longer felt I needed them. I had grown up and matured. I was able to survive alone if I had to.
It was the same with Edward. I missed him and I wanted him more than anything, but I didn't need him. He wasn't my life source, but he was the reason that made life worth living.
I turned the shower off after washing my hair and wrapped myself up in the bright red, fluffy towel Renée had lent me.
As I dried myself off I looked up into the mirror and smiled at my reflection. I looked alive. My eyes were bright and my skin was rosy. I wasn't a zombie; I had swiftly evaded that trap.
I knew I could have sunk further into the emotions. They were certainly strong enough to hold me prisoner for months, but I wasn't weak or resigned. That state of mind had never settled well in my consciousness. I fought my monsters, and although I didn't always win I never let them overrule me. To embrace numbness was too easy; I was too stubborn to take the easy option. If my mother was here I knew she would say it was because of the fire in my eyes, and my father would give me a proud pat on the back for following in his tenacious footsteps.
I dressed back into my pale pink dress although I was sure Renée expected me to bring it down for her to wash. I quickly returned to the room I had been in and retrieved the tray of food to bring downstairs with me. I chuckled lightly at the haphazard sandwich on the plate. Cooking clearly wasn't Renée's forté.
My hair clung to my shoulders in wet ringlets as I padded down the stairs.
"In here!" Renée's voice called, and I moved through the hall to a bright turquoise room at what seemed to be the front of the house. It was cluttered with bits and pieces, art, ornaments, and photographs.
Renée was folded up on the large tan leather sofa, sipping her drink as she read a magazine.
"You have a lovely home, Renée. You have obviously settled since Florida." I smiled as I looked over the school photos of Bella. She had wonderful porcelain skin which had evaded the sun's damaging rays. Her chocolate eyes always held a shy expression, no matter her age, she obviously not a girl that enjoyed basking in attention.
"Thanks. It took long enough. God knows how many places I've tried living in. Uprooted Bella more times than I can count on two hands." Renée smiled and patted the sofa beside her.
"It's June 10th 2006 by the way and you are back in sunny Florida." Renée beamed. It was obvious she loved her current home.
"How long have I been here?" I asked before tearing into the ham sandwich Renée had made. I suppressed the chuckle when half the contents escaped into my lap.
"About a week. You haven't really been yourself, Hun. Phil thought I might have adopted a crazy person."
"That sounds like something you would consider doing." I smirked as I finished the sandwich. Renée grinned in agreement.
"I apologise for being such a burden, Renée. You have truly been too kind. To just take me in. I can't thank you enough," I said as I carefully brushed the crumbs off the pink silk around my knees. There was a small grass stain from the meadow and I sighed at the memories. It was all I could do, sadness wasn't welcome any longer.
"Sarelle, honey, don't be silly. You're not a burden." Renée reached forward and gave me a tight hug.
"You had me worried though. You didn't talk, hardly ate. You barely left that dark little room." I grimaced against Renée's words. Of course, I wouldn't have responded, I wasn't truly there. I was just a shell.
"I'm sorry," I murmured before Renée released me.
"Who is Phil?" I asked and Renée's eyes lit up like lights at Christmas.
"He's my husband, well new husband. Oh, Sarelle, you'll love him. He's so fun, and exciting, and supportive, and he makes me feel so young and alive," Renée gushed, and I couldn't help but smile. When I had last seen her she had been so unsure of her decision to leave her first husband, Charlie.
"I look forward to meeting him. Is Bella here as well?" I asked hopefully.
"No, you just missed her actually. She visited a week or two before you turned up, came with her boyfriend. It's a shame really. I always wanted her to meet you. I mean she already knows you so well, she just doesn't know she does." Renée's voice was filled with excitement and pride.
"I'm sure in your mind that made perfect sense, but I may need an explanation," I said playfully. I had always loved the way Renée's mind worked. It seemed so alternative to everyone else's. She was the perfect distraction as I felt my previous melancholy sweep away.
"What I mean is, I used to play a lot of Debussy, your favourite Clair de Lune especially, because it reminded me of you and she seemed to like it. Plus, I introduced her to Jane Austen. In fact, I kept those library books you left behind. She loved them, still does now. God knows how big the library fines are." Renée looked up at the photographs of her daughter with a wistful smile.
"You have a lot in common really. Sometimes, in the way she acts, I see a bit of you in her." I glanced at the pictures of the little chocolate haired girl and felt a swell of flattery. To be remembered and have my existence effect her in some way was something I had never expected to happen but it was moving nonetheless.
"I felt truly awful leaving in such a way. I trust you got my note." I remembered the little goodbye note I had written Renée and Bella on the back of Bella's crayon drawing.
"Still got it, Bella hasn't seen it so she doesn't know about you. I wasn't sure if it would be a good thing to introduce to her, the whole supernatural thing. I didn't know how she would take it." Renée motioned with her hands nervously as if she thought her words would upset me. I stilled her fidgeting with my own hand on hers.
"I understand. I can see that it could be a jarring discovery. Though, I'd like to meet her one day, of course my situation is probably left a mystery to her." There was no point in shocking her mind with my ability when she could continue to be oblivious.
"She's always been so sensible and steady. I don't know how she'd react to meeting a time traveller." Renée's voice wasn't worried but instead contemplative as if she were actually trying to imagine her daughter's reaction.
"Her mother seemed to cope just fine." I grinned.
"Bella's a lot more her father's daughter, that's who she's actually staying with at the moment in Forks." Renée grimaced and shivered lightly in mock disgust.
"I don't know how she's coping. She hates the cold and wet. And it's so green!" Renée exclaimed and I giggled at her dislike for the place.
"I found Washington to be a very pretty state." Renée's eyes sparked with intrigue and I reminded myself to tell her a little about the time we'd spent apart. Although I knew I would have to avoid telling her of the large supernatural influence that I had encountered with my vampire friends.
"Maybe Bella is being converted, she seems pretty set on staying there. I think it's probably got something to do with her boyfriend," Renée huffed and I sensed she missed her daughter greatly.
"Love can do that to a girl, change her." I sighed when I truly acknowledged the truth of the statement. I had gone from peaceful oblivion of love to diving head first into it.
"You fell hard, didn't you?" Renée spoke softly as if she were tiptoeing around a loaded bomb.
"He pulled me to him like gravity pulls you to the ground."
"But you're so young, you've got a lifetime to live and love."
"I'm an Edwardian child, Renée. I was always going to fall fast and young. As for living and loving without him, well it wouldn't be much of either." I tucked my damp hair behind my ear and lightly touched the place on my neck which he knew was my favourite point to my kissed.
"Do you know when you'll see him again?" Renée's eyes were set on the eternity ring on my hand, and I smiled as I thought of the inscription on the inner band.
"Not for definite, but I know it will happen, with absolute certainty."
"So what are you going to do until then?"
"I'm going to look forward to every new adventure just as he would have wanted me to. He wouldn't want me wallowing, and I will not allow myself to waste my time in such a state." I almost shocked myself with the level of strength and determination in my own voice.
"That's the healthier thing to do. No point in becoming a zombie." There was something in Renée's voice that hinted at more than just an agreement. Her eyes flashed with something distant, like a memory she preferred to forget. I sensed she wouldn't want to talk about it so instead I changed the subject onto a cheerier topic.
"Tell me about this boy who has stolen Bella's heart. I hope he's worthy," I asked playfully.
"He seems nice enough, very good looking, from a good family, and he clearly loves Bella, although their relationship went through a bit of drama a few months ago."
"I sense a 'but'." A small smile played on my lips as I watched Renée's mind twist and turn.
"I don't know if it's because of knowing you, or reading too many of those sci-fi books, but there's just something different about him. I can't quite figure out what."
"Your experience with me would probably attune you to weirdness." I smirked and Renée's grinned.
"Am I just being silly?" she asked.
"Maybe, but then your intuition seems fairly reliable. You certainly sniffed me out quick enough." Renée chuckled lightly, although something told me this wasn't the answer she wanted.
"Say hypothetically you were right, and he wasn't what you consider normal, would it matter if he loves her?" Renée's mouth twisted as she thought about it.
"I don't know, maybe not. I mean I know Bella. She's smart; she wouldn't go falling for someone without truly knowing them and knowing they were safe. Plus, I don't think I could stand it if we had to stop her from seeing him. She'd never forgive us. I guess you're right. Phil doesn't see anything odd about him, maybe just a bit aloof."
"You're probably just letting your imagination go wild." I smiled reassuringly and Renée relaxed a little.
"Yeah that's what Bella said." Renée sighed and we settled back on the sofa now that the tenser conversation topics were over with.
"So tell me, what have you been upto?" Renée's aqua eyes sparkled with excitement as I settled in to tell her the gaps in my story. She could be so childlike in her curiosity sometimes. I had a feeling that being here with Renée was going to be the perfect remedy for leaving Edward. She was so sunny and lively, it would be impossible to sink into the blues with her around. She was like the sunshine after the storm.