How do you say goodbye to six people who mean the world to you?
How do you even begin to muster the courage to leave them behind when it's the very last thing you want to do?
The answer to these questions is that you can't do it - willingly. There is no way you can even begin to find the ideal way to leave behind a life you want. It's a similar feeling to straining against a bungee cord. Its goes against the grain, because you want nothing more but to let go and give in to the pull bringing you back. The only difference now was that I couldn't let go and go back. I was being forced to keep walking forward, to keep tightening the cord and increasing the tension.
The tingle had been present in my life for a few weeks and it had reached the point of disrupting my life drastically. I couldn't sleep because I was too scared it would take me in my sleep. I could barely eat because it made my stomach flutter with nerves and sickness. I was exhausted, and there were times when it would come in waves and cause my body to fall, too weak to stand. In those times I had to clutch Edward's body to stay steady on my feet.
We all knew when it first arrived that I only had a couple of weeks left at best, so the time had been spent in a way that was meant to tie up loose ends and prepare for goodbyes.
In a way it worked. Carlisle gave me my EEG test results which showed my brain did indeed have abnormal electrical impulses. He carried out more tests with the tingle was present and told me that with each fluctuation my brain showed signs similar to epilepsy, although that was as much as he could tell me. He didn't know why these 'fits' would cause me to jump through time.
He also told me that even if I was changed there were too many risks involved. The venom could trigger and react with the electrical impulses. It could destroy me either by the excessive electricity, or the velocity and power of the possible consequential jumps. When he told me this I didn't believe him at first. I thought Edward had just told him to dissuade me from that path, but then I saw the expression in his eyes. He may not have known much about my condition, but he knew a lot about vampires and their physiology. According to his research, electricity was one of the reasons vampires existed and were animated without blood in their veins. It was because of this that he said my body may not be able to cope with the level of electricity. The usual electricity of the change added with the tingle may be too much. I was back to square one with seemingly no escape from my condition.
Alice, Esme, and Rose helped me pack my bag with things that I would need on my travels. Clothes were Alice's forte, and she ensured I had everything I would need for the various seasons and places. She even bought a couple of vintage dresses for me to wear in the past since my own were now too small. Esme focussed on the memories and sentimental objects, giving me a photo album for my photos and a new diary to fill out since my old one was full. Rose was less conventional and gave me a can of pepper spray and something called a Taser. She may not have been as vocal about our relationship, but she said that since I seemed to attract violence it would be best for me to be prepared.
Emmett and Jasper did as all big brothers did; they taught me how to defend myself, how to pick a lock, and how to break the rules without getting caught.
Me and Edward even paid one last visit ot my small cottage in the woods to spend a night alone together in the place we had started our romance. It was odd being back there but somehow it still held a feeling of home. I knew it always would because the Esme wouldn't let it fall into disrepair.
All these things filled time and kept me occupied, but they weren't enough, nothing would ever be enough because I still have to leave. Nothing would ever make that fact any better.
However, it was fact I had accepted, so I tried not to cry when I said my goodbyes to the family I felt I belonged to. I didn't let myself shed any tears as I was gripped in tight hugs from each family member.
I didn't even cry when Edward ran with me through the forest, my pink silk sundress fluttering as he sped towards our final departure place.
The meadow. Our Meadow.
It was a strange feeling being in love, knowing with absolute certainty that the person you're in love with is the person you're meant to be with, but all the while knowing that it had to end. It was such a conflicting ride of emotion, being so happy but also feeling that it was wrong to feel it because it would only cause you to hurt more when the inevitable end came.
I had lived in this state ever since the tingle first started, and I had battled with what was the right route to take. Did I love with all my capacity and indulge in every second I was with Edward, even though the pain would be so much worse when I let him go? Or did I back away and distance myself in the hope that the pain would be lessened by the space between us? In reality, the latter was never an option. It would never have changed the hurt I was bound to feel. It would have only hurt Edward, and I couldn't bring myself to do that to him.
The sun beamed above me as I walked solemnly to the centre of the meadow, my eyes focussed on the tree with the peculiar carved cross. The grass gave me longing brushes as if saying its own goodbye while I walked. The meadow was just a beautiful as ever, but it didn't hold the same light-hearted happiness it had on all the previous visits. That was because this time it would be the place of our end, the place where we would have to say goodbye until we met again, whenever that may be.
I turned slowly to look at Edward where he stood in the shadows. Just from his posture I knew he couldn't accept this was the end. He didn't want to fully enter the meadow and accept what it meant. By hiding in the shadows it was as if he was hiding from the harsh facts that shone unavoidably like the sunlight. He was hiding from the fact that he had to watch me go when he was powerless to stop it.
I wanted to show him how I felt, not a simple 'I love you' but the way that I saw the meaning of those three words in my head. If this was to be our grand finale then I wanted it to be everything it was meant to be because our relationship at least deserved that.
"Edward, millions of people walk through this life alone. They all search for that spark which promises to give them a little bit of peace and comfort. Like a match burning in a cavern."My voice was slipping into a flat tone as the tears threatened to block my throat.
"This spark, for some, grows into infatuation. Like candlelight. It's warm, seductive and makes everything seem better because it hides the secrets we don't want to tell, or don't feel ready to tell." I looked up to give him a small smile, remembering how we had hidden our own secrets for fear that they would be the cause of us losing each other. His face seemed to try to show some happiness but couldn't. Instead, he ran a hand through his hair, the only way for him to express the stress this situation was causing him.
"After that... After that period of deciding whether you can trust that person, whether you want them to see you for what you truly are- secrets and all- you take the step into the sunlight and everything gets illuminated in vibrant colour. Everything is visible and accepted because that's love. It's open, honest, and real."
I sighed, and it shook as it left my lungs due to the tension it took to stop the tears from cracking my voice, stopping my emotion from breaking me completely.
"Will you stand in the sunlight with me, Edward, just one more time before I have to go back to living in the darkness of the night?" My voice wobbled, and I felt the first tear tickle my cheek as it fell. I looked to the shadows and Edward's eyes looked heartbroken. He walked towards my vulnerable figure in strong but helpless human-paced steps, his skin radiantly beautiful as it glittered fantastically. He was like my guiding light, the beacon for every one of my heart's desires.
I ran to him when he was only metres away and we collided in a perfect motion of a passionate kisses and tight embraces.
As he clutched me to him I felt my heart breaking under the weight of what was coming. I didn't want to leave him, the very idea was inconceivable. How would life be anything but bleak misery when I had to exist without him?
"Sarelle, you'll never be alone in the darkness. I will be there with you, like you will be with me. You will be the starlight that pierces the black velvet sky. The moonlight that silvers everything it touches. The glimmer on the horizon that I will look towards until the time comes when our day dawns again." As he spoke he cupped my face and my gaze could look nowhere else but into his frenzied golden eyes. They held so much hope and desperation because he only knew that my future would lead me to his past self, he had no way of knowing if we would ever see each other again in his future.
"This is not the end, Sarelle. It will not be the end," he whispered, and his voice held such determination but it was flawed. He couldn't possible know whether it was the end or not. He had no idea what fate had planned for us that was why it was fate. It could do whatever it wants without ever having to bend to our wants, desires, or expectations.
"Edward, what if it is? What if this is all we get, this present, these few months when we were both aware of what we mean to each other?" I stroked his forearms as I talked, soaking up everything I could about him.
His silken skin, cool to touch but able to warm me with the electricity it brought. The divine scent of him, gloriously masculine and able to muddle my brain whenever our bodies are close. The perfect structure of his body that was so very strong and safe, but also gentle and thrilling. There was not one part of him that I wanted to forget or change. Not that he was perfect because he certainly had flaws, but they enhanced who he was instead of faulting it. I loved that at times he lost himself to his emotions, and I loved that he could be stubborn and hot-headed. I adored his cute frustration about being unable to read my thoughts without touch, and the way it created a faint crease in between his eyebrows. I would forever melt at the way he could dazzle me to a point of complete submission, no matter how much I pretended to resent it.
All of this I loved and wanted in my life forever, but all of this I would have to give up until I saw him again.
"If this is meant to be the end then I refuse to accept it, and I will never accept it because the sun must always rise, Sarelle, it's inevitable." I smiled at him but it was watery.
"I'll age, Edward. What if I don't see you again until I'm old?" The idea that when he meets me in his future I could be an old lady was enough to make my body shake. It was too horrible to even think of. I knew I would always love him no matter what, but how could he love an old woman? We certainly wouldn't be able to properly be together in public, it would repulse people. The image of me old and grey, standing in Edward's arms as I was now, made my throat ache as the lump grew and my stomach churned. It would be too much. I don't think I could live with the idea, no matter how much I wanted to be with him. I couldn't force him to love me when I was wrinkled, grey, and sagging.
"You think I would turn away from you just because you aged naturally? You are beautiful to me, Sarelle, and you will always be beautiful to me, no matter how many years line your face." He stroked away the frown lines that had developed on my forehead from my crumpled sad face.
The tingle pulsed and Edward's face showed that he felt it. For most humans it didn't register, but it seemed vampires could feel it when it got to its strongest level.
I felt my body weaken under the force of it as I fought to keep myself here for a little longer. I panted as I doubled over, bracing myself on my knees as I recovered.
"Sarelle, don't do this to yourself." Edward wrapped his arms around me, ducking to lift my legs into a bridal style hold.
I collapsed into his waiting arms and whimpered against the buzz that raced in the air around me. I had never hated it more than I did in this moment.
I brought my hand up to trace the sculpted planes of Edward's face before resting it against his cheek, savouring the cold against my skin.
I can't do this, Edward. I'm not strong enough, not this time. No matter how many times I've jumped or what has happened I've survived. I don't think I can survive this. Edward dipped to the ground, resting me on his knee, my body cradled in his arms.
"You're a fighter, Sarelle. You always have been. You're far too stubborn to give in. We'll survive this, our love will survive this." He brought my left hand up to his lips and kissed the eternity ring he had given me before kissing my wrist, my cheeks, my forehead, my neck. Each point sang with his touch but each made my heart constrict because I knew it was the last time I would feel his kisses in those places for a long time. Maybe I would never feel his cool touch on my skin. Maybe I had to accept that. Maybe I was wrong to try and hold onto him when I had no idea how long I would make him wait.
If I asked you to do something for me, would you do it? I asked through my thoughts. I didn't feel strong enough to talk so I brought my hand to rest on his, allowing my mind to be open to his gift.
His eyes burned down into mine as he clutched my face in his hands.
"Anything." His voice was rough velvet against my ears.
When I go... Let me go. As soon as I thought the words I felt my heart rebel against them. Still, I focussed my mind to ensure that Edward knew it was what I wanted, or at least what he needed.
"Why are you saying this? I don't understand. How can you expect me to just forget about you, drop my feelings?" He shook his head in disbelief and dropped his hands from my body. Running his hand through his hair as his stress ruled his body.
"I love you, Edward. More than anything, but because of that I can't force you to wait for me. We have no idea how long we could be apart, or if we'll ever be together again. I will not have you spending your time in loneliness. It's too precious." I brought his face back to mine so I could watch his eyes and read his emotions, no matter how painful they were too see.
"But I love you, Sarelle, you're my angel," he whispered as he rested his forehead on mine, brushing his nose against mine.
My father once told me:
'Time is free, but it's priceless.
You can't own it, but you can use it.
You can't keep it, but you can spend it.
Once you've lost it you can never get it back.'
You may live forever, Edward, but time is just as precious to you as it is to me. You will not waste it. In fact, I will be most annoyed if you do. I forced a weak smile onto my face as I sent him my thoughts and Edward's eyes flickered with brief amusement at my dominant demand.
"I can't just let you go, Sarelle. Please don't make me make you a promise when I can't keep it." I had never seen this side of Edward. Every time I looked at his face it only brought more tears to my eyes. His voice was so full of pain and desperation that it took all I had not to cover his mouth with my hand and tell him over and over again that it would be OK, to just forget my promise. I knew he would be crying if he could, and that hurt me more than anything.
Edward, look at me, I called to him in my mind. If we find each other again and there is no one else in your heart, then your promise will be obsolete. Believe me, Edward, I can't even begin to tell you how badly I want that to be the case. However, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't tell you to at least look for love in my absence, or if I told you to love no one else but me. I could never be that selfish. Not when it concerns you.
"Sarelle, I don't want anyone else. I don't want to even think about loving anyone but you."
I know you don't now but one day that might change. I'm telling you to do this so that you can be happy. This hurts so much, Edward, but please, if you won't do it for yourself, then do it for me. I want you to love again. I want you to have that beautiful spark in your eyes again. I want you to embrace it if it comes. He looked me straight in the eye, and I could see the pain and confusion written all over his beautiful stone face.
"Sarelle..." he moaned, his voice aching with pain as he turned his face away. He squeezed my hands much harder than I think he realized but it was just an echo of the tension buried down in my chest, constricting my heart.
"Please, Edward..." I whispered desperately as the tears took over once again and my hand stroked through his hair.
"I promise," he answered finally. The words held a bitter resentful edge and I knew he only agreed because, just as I couldn't deny him another chance at a happily ever after, he couldn't deny me my wish.
Thank you, Edward. "Now kiss me. Kiss me as if it's the last time." My lips trembled as I repeated the quote from Casablanca, the film we had seen on our first date, the date when we were so eager for the future of our relationship. It was a time when life seemed perfect and carefree.
Edward crushed me to him, holding me tight in his iron grip. His lips were passionate and desperate against mine as he lifted my feet off the meadow's grassy floor. My sack swung out around me as he spun me in our moment of ardour.
The tingle pulsed again and this time I felt it almost eat away at me.
I had run out of time.
Not even minutes were left for me to indulge in.
"No," Edward growled against my lips as he felt it too. He had lost all reserve now as our hands raced over each other. Mine laced tightly in his hair and his running over my waist in fevered lust filled touches. We were absorbing every single inch of each other, committing these sensations to memory before they ended.
I whimpered in urgent desire as the tingle started to creep up from my toes. Taking me away as I stayed grasped in Edward's arms, his tongue now tentatively running across my lower lip on a rash arduous whim.
As the tingle reached my waist I gasped away from Edward's lips, taking one last hard kiss from their pouted form before unwillingly leaving his embrace.
"Goodbye, Edward." I leapt away so I didn't harm him as the electricity pulsed violently.
Before I fell into darkness I saw Edward's broken form try to reach for me in a half-hearted attempt.
"I'll save you... my angel." He sobbed. His eyes held an immortal's sorrow and as I thought of the pain in their amber depths I felt like I might cripple under the anguish.
As I solidified in a dark room I felt that maybe this was fate's attempt at sweetening the bitter situation it had placed me in.
An electric light flicked on and blinded me. I crumbled onto the tan leather sofa vaguely visible in my blurred teary vision and then all I felt was soft human arms wrapping around my shaking, sobbing form.
"Oh honey, what's wrong?" said Her worried voice.
Yes, perhaps this was the sugar fate was giving me to make the bitter medicine go down and it had given me Her to fill the role of Mary Poppins.