Love vanquishes time. To lovers, a moment can be eternity- Mary Parrish.
My story is not one an easy one to tell. It's full of impossibilities - events that, logically, should never have happened.
However, they did happen, and so I stand here a changed person, as someone who has defied the very laws of physics and nature.
To any outsider, I am a mere girl, like any other you may pass on the street, but to those who I have known and loved, I am so much more. I am a woman trapped in a body that doesn't match my mind, or memory.
My memory is filled with many lifetimes of tales, each one saturated with thoughts and feelings. There are some which are the very epitome of happiness, whilst others I prefer to let rot in the dark, nightmarish depths of denial. Those memories are like scars on my psyche - always present, but faded due to time.
I often ask myself, "Do I truly regret anything?"
My answer is always the same, an unwavering and resolute no.
However, when I really open my mind and inspect the pain my life has caused me; I can't help but wonder if I would change anything if I could. Just as I was certain in my lack of regrets, I was also always certain that, yes, I would indeed change something.
I could never lament over my actions because they had led me to meet wonderful people, but that didn't mean I didn't wish my life could have been different. I wish I had the option to live my life as a normal person. Was it strange to crave normalcy and to want the humdrum daily routine? Was it strange to want the only problems in life to be simple conundrums or financial worries?
It would have been nice to never have had to hide a secret from the ordinary world around me, to never have had to construct a web of lies. I had told so many conflicting stories to hide who I was and what I could do that, now, it had gotten to a point where I was confused as to which lies I had told to each person. I didn't know who I was, what I felt, or how I should go forward.
Could I even move forward?
Was it possible to move on from my current state?
Or was I destined to stay unchanged and stuck in a sedentary existence for the rest of my days?
I had been forced into this form of self-imprisonment by fate, and there was part of me that thought perhaps it was some cruel punishment for the breach in the laws of nature my life had created. A way for fate to get revenge on whatever force had driven me forward on the path my life had followed.
If it was truly revenge, then I could think of no better way to execute it, because I couldn't find any form of retribution that could cause me as much pain and torture as this.
So here I am sitting alone on a sheer cliff edge, staring out over the beautiful horizon as the sunset in front of me and the sea air ruffles my hair.
Vivid oranges, pinks, and purples are painted across the darkening blue sky, and I can feel the fading warmth hit me as the sun sinks into the sea. I have seen so many sunsets, but somehow this one seems so significant. The colours may have been more intense now, but the feeling of great change floods me as it has once before, bringing me back to the first time my life had taken its turn into the peculiar.
So I will tell you my tale as I remember it. Not the jaded or immature musings of my earlier life, but the way I see the memories now. There was so much I didn't understand back then, but now it's crystal clear to me. The consequences of my actions and feelings are now vividly known to me in excruciating clarity. It is a great sorrow to be the singular cause of not only the pain of others, but also to be the reason that it is inflicted on your own being as well.
It is a sick torture to be your own worst enemy.
There is only one place that a story can really start, and it is from this place that I will tell the twisting tale that has been my life so far. I will start at the very beginning...