I pulled my leather jacket on and grabbed my keys, preparing to leave the house. It was 8:30 on New Years Eve, and I was getting ready to go to Alyssa's party. I felt a knot of nerves in my stomach like I had the last time I was at a party.
Except this time I was more certain as to why I felt them.
Anna was on the couch, a glass of wine already in her hands. I noticed she was using the jumbo glass I'd gotten her for Christmas. She smiled at me. "You leaving?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. Don't sound so excited," I teased.
Rolling her eyes at me, she said, "Jacob's coming over at nine."
"Ah, I see. You want the house all to yourself," I winked.
"Funny. You're lucky I don't take your keys away and make you stay home."
I made a disgusted face. "You think I wanna be here with you and your boyfriend getting down and dirty in the next room over? No thanks."
She chuckled. "Who knows, you might learn a thing or two."
My face now displayed only pure horror. "Oh hell no. Nasty. And people wonder why I'm gay."
Trying, and failing, to keep a straight face, she used her bottle of wine as a fake microphone. "Why are you gay, Miss Miller?"
I stood there, eyeing her dubiously. "I am a proud heterophobe, thank you very much."
Laughing harder now, she set her wine bottle back on the table. "Can't say I blame you."
"I know you can't."
She made a shooing motion with her hand at me. "Get going, you'll be late."
"I see how it is," I said, giving her a hurt look. "You just want to get rid of me."
"Yes, I do, now leave." She was still laughing.
I held up my hands, smirking. "Fine, fine, I'm going, damn."
As I closed the door, I shouted back, "I'll be home around one!"
Walking to my truck, I felt my stomach tighten. I leaned against the door of my truck and looked up at the sky, hoping to find some soothing force in the stars. Why did I have to be so nervous? It was still just a party.
But you were going to see Ari.
And that was the crux of it. Just the thought of her made me apprehensive, excited, and afraid all at once. Even though I hadn't seen her in person since the semester finished, almost two weeks ago, I still saw her every time I closed my eyes. It was torture, really. I could remember almost every detail of her face; those amazing freckles that surrounded her eyes even though it was the dead of winter; the way her entire demeanor lightened when she smiled, revealing perfect teeth and the lone dimple on her left cheek; and most of all, her beautiful, vibrant green eyes that would draw me in and leave me speechless if I let them. I could tell she knew it too, she knew that she could stun me with her gorgeous face. And it seemed logical enough, based on her casual flirting, to believe that she was attracted to me and wanted me as bad as I wanted her. But nagging doubts were lingering in the back of my mind still, doubts that I hated to face. Alyssa had told me she was straight, which was something I kept trying to take into account. For some reason, though, I had a hard time remembering that when her face was two inches away from mine, our noses nearly touching, our eyes locked, trapped in her gaze.
I sighed and opened the door to the truck, climbing into the driver's seat. Cranking up the engine, I started the short drive to Alyssa's. The radio, as always, was on, playing Working Man by Rush, which was one of my favorite songs. But I couldn't focus on the music, not tonight, not with my nerves jumbled and my stomach tied in a knot. It took everything I had to pay attention to the road and not cause an accident. My hands were shaking slightly, and at every stop sign I forced myself to take a deep breath to stop the tremors.
I made the turn onto Alyssa's street, seeing all of the enormous houses again. It never ceased to amaze me just how rich people could be. I came from a family without a lot of money, living with my dad or with Anna, and any one of these houses could fit both the places I've lived in side by side. It was just unreal.
I stopped outside Alyssa's house, which was as packed as it had been for her birthday. I shook my head in disbelief. Even though only two months had passed since that night, it felt like forever ago. So many things had changed. Alyssa had become probably my best friend, Ryan and I had gotten to become better friends, hell, I would even consider Ellie a friend at this point. Plus there was Ari.
But I wasn't exactly sure how to define that one.
I parked in the street again, giving myself a short walk through the cold air to relax. I hopped out from behind the wheel and locked up my truck. I could hear the bass, as loud as ever. As I started to stride down the paved sidewalk, yet another city amenity unfamiliar to me, it struck me that I'd never had to do this before. I'd never felt so nervous to see someone that I had to calm myself down, my hands clammy, my breathing fast. I stopped outside Alyssa's door, taking one final deep breath, then opened it.
Immediately the warmth that comes with a roomful of people washed over me. I stepped into the living room, closing the front door behind me. The speakers were blaring again. I didn't see Alyssa, so I figured she would be in the kitchen. I pushed through the crowd towards the door, opening it to see Alyssa and Ryan alone. I smirked at her when she caught my eye. Ryan, who turned around at the sound of the door opening, didn't see her face turn bright red.
"Hey Soph."
"Am I interrupting something here?" I asked, still grinning.
Alyssa rolled her eyes. "No dumbass, get over here."
I obliged her, walking over by the fridge and sitting on the counter opposite. Ryan grabbed two cans of beer and stood up. "I'll leave you two alone for your girl talk," he said, winking at us.
"Yeah, get out of here, loser," I joked.
He laughed and pushed open the door, allowing some of the heat to slip into the kitchen. The music, of course, was as loud as ever.
Alyssa, who had been watching the door swing shut, quickly leaned in and punched me.
"Ow!" I exclaimed, glaring at her.
"Why'd you have to walk in?" she asked, still blushing.
"I was looking for you."
"And it couldn't have waited?"
I raised my hands in a gesture of surrender. "Yeah, I guess it could have. Why didn't you just kick me out?"
"And let him know I have a crush on him?" She looked scandalized. "Hell no."
I crossed my arms over my chest. "Don't blame me just because you're crushing like a fifth grader."
"Please," she scoffed, "don't pretend like you've never liked anyone before."
I shook my head. "Not pretending. I don't catch feelings. They're too messy."
She eyed me, her expression a mixture of curiosity and a lingering frustration at me.
"What?" I asked. "I don't. And don't feel sorry for me either," I added. "It's better this way."
"Why?"
I blinked. "Why is it better? Because that way people don't have to pretend to care about me. I don't have to open up to them, and they don't have to deal with my issues. And why should they? It's not their problem. So it's just easier," I finished.
Her eyes softened. "Just because it's easier that way doesn't make it better," she said softly.
"Sure it does," I replied, "trust me. It's better for everyone this way."
She just shook her head sadly. "I hate that you think that way."
I shrugged. "That's just how I am."
"I want you to feel like you can open up to me."
I eyed her dubiously. "That's funny, miss I-didn't-tell-my-best-friend-I-had-a-crush-until-she-figured-it-out-herself."
She narrowed her eyes. "Can you blame me? You're reacting exactly how I thought you would."
Sighing, I asked, "Am I really that predictable?"
"Yes."
Her concise reply triggered a memory, back on Thanksgiving, when I had asked someone else the same question. They had said the same thing. And suddenly, as if I had willed it to happen, the kitchen door opened.
And Ari herself walked in.
Her smile lit up the room as she saw me. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of her, looking perfect in jeans and a hoodie. A warm sense of happiness spread through me, making my skin tingle. It felt like a part of me, which I hadn't realized was gone, had been put back into place.
"Hey," she said, somewhat breathless. "I thought I might find you here."
I coughed, bringing my mind back into the moment. "You were looking for me?"
Her grin widened as she nodded. "I saw your truck outside, so I went to look for you. Can I steal her?" she directed at Alyssa, who shrugged and capitulated. "Please do. She was starting to get annoying."
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever you say." I hopped off the counter, moving to follow Ari, then turned back to Alyssa. She smirked at me and winked suggestively. I flipped her off and walked out the door.
Ari was waiting on the other side, and as soon as she saw me again she grabbed my hand, dragging me through the crowd into another room that was far less packed. The only other people in here were a couple of sophomores that I recognized as regulars at open gyms, but as soon as they saw us they got up and walked out, leaving me and Ari alone. She sat down on a couch, motioning for me to sit beside her. I did so, turning and leaning my back against the arm, watching her.
"What's up?" I prompted.
She looked a little confused. "What d'you mean?"
"You wanted to talk to me?"
"Oh," she said, shaking her head and looking down at her hands. "Sorry. I don't know where my head's at lately."
I didn't reply, sensing she had more to say.
"I just," she hesitated, not looking up. "I don't know."
"Hey," I said softly, adjusting my seat so I was closer to her, "you can talk to me."
Her eyes met mine, and I was more than a little startled to find a vulnerability, so raw and real, that I'd never seen there before. But what surprised me even more was my reaction to it. Usually, when girls let their guards down and started showing feelings, I turned and ran the other way as fast as possible. With Ari though, it didn't scare me. It intrigued me. I wanted to know what was making her feel that way.
"I-" she let out a pent-up sigh. "I really missed you."
I was too stunned to reply. My mind was racing. She missed me? I had been thinking about nothing but her for the past two weeks. I saw her every time I closed my eyes. I dreamt about her every single night, for God's sake.
Even so, the fact that she had missed me at all didn't seem real.
My mouth, too slow to express the thoughts churning through my head, hung open stupidly. Ari, who had been watching me carefully, quickly interjected as I went to speak. "No, no forget I said anything--"
"It's ok," I said, smiling. "I really missed you too."
She gave me a sort of half smile, then looked down at her hands again. I saw a tear roll down her cheek and fall onto her lap.
"Are you ok?" I asked, concerned.
Letting out a strangled noise that was half laugh half sob, she nodded. "Yeah, I'm just really emotional right now."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
She shook her head. "No, it's stupid, you shouldn't have to worry about it--"
I cut her off. "Maybe I want to worry about it."
She raised her head, looking at me with a mixture of sadness and confusion. "Why?"
Now I looked away. Did I want to get into this conversation? I never talked like this with anyone.
But Ari wasn't just anyone. And she needed me, so I prepared myself.
"Because no one should ever have to feel alone like I did."
I could see her in my peripheral vision, eyeing me both concernedly and curiously. "When did you feel alone?"
I was now closely examining the creases the skin on my hands. "If I tell you, will you tell me what's wrong?"
She rolled her eyes, but nodded. "If that's really what you want."
"Ok then, deal," I said, still refusing to look up. "You remember on Thanksgiving, when you asked me what my plans were? And I told you my parents were out of town?"
"Yes," she answered quietly.
I laughed slightly. "I don't live with my parents. I moved in with my big sister after my dad kicked me out."
She frowned, but didn't try to interject, which I appreciated. Most people would have tried to shower me with "that sucks," or "I'm so sorry," but statements like that always seemed so insincere, and it seemed like Ari knew that. Instead she stayed silent, letting me continue, which I did.
"That's why I moved here in the middle of the year. I came out to my dad, and he decided he didn't want me around anymore. I've never felt more alone in my life. I mean, I knew he was extremely homophobic and really religious. I just convinced myself that, because I was his daughter, I'd be different." I laughed. "Turns out I can't be his daughter if I'm gay, so he got rid of me. But not before he gave me a suitable punishment," I finished bitterly.
She took in a sharp breath. "What did he do to you?" Her voice was tender, but I could hear a hard underlying edge, like she was angry that had happened to me, which didn't make any sense. Why would she be angry over something that had happened to me?
"He," I began, then hesitated. Her question seemed so sincere, like she really wanted to know, and for the first time ever I found myself really wanting to tell. It was a foreign feeling; I had never wanted to open up to anybody this bad before.
But it just wasn't something I was ready to talk about.
"I," a lump rose in my throat, "I can't--"
"Hey," she said, grabbing my hand in hers, "it's ok. Whenever you're ready."
I gave her a slight smile, calm on the surface, but internally my brain was going haywire. Ari was holding my hand, Ari was holding my hand, Ari was holding my--
She let go quickly, dropping her gaze. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking," she added hastily.
"I like it." I smiled to reassure her.
She grinned back. "Well, in that case..." she slipped her hand back into mine. Warmth flooded through me and my skin tingled where it touched hers. It was the greatest feeling in the world, and I never wanted it to end. But I had other matters to attend to.
"Time for you to hold up your end of the bargain."
She made a face. "No, no, it's really nothing--"
I squeezed her hand. "It doesn't matter, tell me. I don't want you to be upset."
Eyeing me gratefully, she sighed. "Fine."
She shifted a little on the couch, but she didn't let go of my hand. "My dog--" she choked slightly, and I could see her tearing up again. "He died last night."
"What happened?" I asked softly. I never had any pets, but I knew that losing them was terrible.
"We put him down," she said, hanging her head. "He had a brain tumor."
I could hear the pain in her words, so I tried my best to distract her from it. "What type of dog was he?"
She let out a soft chuckle. "No idea. I was, like ten, and my mom and I were at an animal shelter. I just saw him. He was the most adorable dog I've ever seen. He had the most amazing, chocolate-brown eyes, and he was just so fluffy. I fell in love with him, begged my mom to buy him. And she did," she finished, looking off into the distance reminiscently. "Best day ever."
I smiled slightly. "Sounds like it."
She looked up at me, her eyes wide and filled with tears. "I miss him so much," she said, then suddenly laid her head on my shoulder, sobbing openly. I felt her leaning on me, felt one of her tears run off her face and onto my leg. But inside I all I felt was elated. We had never been this close before, in a literal or figurative sense. She had opened up to me, let me catch a glimpse inside that beautiful head of hers. We could've sat there for minutes or hours, not moving, each comforting the other as we sat in silence.
Finally Ari broke the silence, lifting her head off my shoulder and looking into my eyes.
"Thank you."
I sighed internally, not wanting this moment to end. "What for?"
She smiled, her eyes red. "For talking to me. You make it so easy."
"I could tell you the same thing," I said, not looking away.
Tilting her head, she asked, "What do you mean?"
I shifted uncomfortably slightly, dropping my eyes. I saw our fingers, still interlocked. "I," I began, then cleared my throat, "I don't open up often."
"I could tell."
I brought my eyes up to hers once more. "How am I so predictable to you?"
She laughed genuinely, a sound I found so lovely.
"You just are."
And suddenly the tension, unnoticeable earlier, was palpable once more. I could hear the music from the living room, but it sounded far off and diluted. I was lost in Ari's eyes, and I realized there was nowhere else I'd rather lose myself.
I heard someone in the other room call out, "one minute till midnight!"
The music suddenly stopped and a TV flipped on.
Damn, already?
"We should go join the others," I mumbled, not dropping her gaze.
Her shoulders slumped slightly. "I guess," she sighed, but neither of us moved. We sat on the couch, gazes locked on each others' familiarly. I wanted to move in, get even closer, as close as possible. I wanted to solve the mystery that had been on my mind for a long time now.
"Five, four, three, two, one-- Happy New Year!"
I froze, watching her closely. I knew what I wanted to do.
I wanted Ari to be my New Year's kiss.
But she didn't move, didn't react, and my body sighed in disappointment as we stood up, releasing each others' hands, and moved into the living room. All around us people were cheering, beers and mixed drinks in hand, grinning widely at the thought of the New Year. But not me.
The only thing I was doing was regretting, wishing I could've found the courage to press those soft pink lips to my own.