Author's Note: Hello, lovelies! Isayama allegedly said in an interview that if Levi ever walked in on two people "doing it", he would cry because of the trauma he carried from his mother's occupation. (She was a prostitute.) I was inspired to write a little snippet of Reader-chan talking it out with Levi and helping him deal with his feelings on the matter. I kept it clean (no sauciness), but if anything about the subject bothers you, please feel free to skip this chapter. Take a nap, eat a cookie, whatever floats your boat. :)
Levi sat at his desk, cursing himself for being so pathetic as yet another tear slid down his face. It had been years – decades – so why did this still bother him so much? Everyone else seemed fine with it. In fact, they thought it was normal – something to be expected, even. But he could never bring himself to treat it so casually, not after what had happened back then...
His thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on his door. "Levi? It's (f/n). Can I come in?"
Levi swore under his breath as he hastily wiped the tears from his face. "Yeah," he replied, hoping his voice didn't sound too hoarse.
(F/n) entered, immediately crossing the room to his desk. "Commander Erwin asked me to bring you these," she explained, setting a stack of papers in front of him. "But I was thinking, if you – " She stopped abruptly when she got a good look at his face. Worry filled her eyes, and she asked, "Levi? What's wrong?"
He quickly turned his face away, though the damage was already done. "Tch. Nothing's wrong," he hissed. "Just go back to your squad."
(F/n) didn't flinch at his harsh tone, nor did her expression falter. She simply sighed, then moved to kneel beside his chair. "Hey," she said gently, "I'm here for you."
A string of curse words flew through Levi's mind, even as a part of him softened at her concern. This was not a conversation he wanted to have with anyone, let alone his girlfriend. Especially when she was the one person he might have someday considered...but, even if it was her, could he bring himself to...? God, he didn't know.
(F/n) stayed where she was, looking up at him expectantly. Levi knew that, no matter what he said or did now, she wouldn't leave. That was one of the things he loved best about her – how she stuck by him, how she understood. After so many years of keeping people at arm's length, he was slowly learning how to let someone in. Even when he messed it up, (f/n) was patient, and she had never betrayed his trust in her.
He just wished she wasn't so persistent at this particular moment.
"Tch," he muttered. "I just...I walked in on Oluo and Petra..."
(F/n)'s brow furrowed in confusion. "You...walked in on them?"
Levi felt heat rush to his cheeks as he tried to explain without actually saying it. "Yeah, they were...you know..."
"Oh!" (f/n) gasped, a blush forming on her cheeks as well. "That must have been...uh...awkward...with them being in your squad and all..."
"Yeah," Levi grumbled, hoping she would just leave it at that.
For a few moments, (f/n) stayed silent, and Levi thought he might have caught a break. Until she murmured, "I still don't understand, though. Why were you crying?"
Levi stiffened. Even just by thinking about it, he could once again feel tears forming in his eyes. He quickly blinked them back as he uttered, "It's nothing. I just..."
He considered lying, or brushing it off somehow. But...this was (f/n). He had told her things about his past before – dark, terrible things – and she had accepted him, comforted him. He had to admit, a part of him had even felt better after he told her. He felt better having one person he could trust, one person who cared, after so many years of being alone.
So Levi steeled himself and said, "It reminds me of...of my mother. She worked in a brothel, before she died. We lived there, too."
"Oh, Levi," (f/n) breathed. Thankfully, there was no pity in her tone. Only sadness and understanding.
With a sigh, Levi slid down to the floor next to her, leaning back against his desk. "I shouldn't react this way," he mumbled wearily. "No one else does."
"No," (f/n) cooed, lightly placing a hand on his arm. Her movements were so delicate, giving him the chance to refuse if he wished. That was another thing he loved about her. She respected that, sometimes, he didn't want to be touched, and she never made him feel guilty for it. "No, Levi, you have a good reason to feel the way you do. What you and your mother had to go through...it was horrible. Of course it would affect you."
Levi was silent for a moment, taking comfort from the small warmth of her hand on his bicep. "There are times when I've wondered...what it would be like," he admitted. "Everyone else seems to enjoy it. But I don't think I could ever...not after what happened. I..."
(F/n) waited quietly, giving him time to work out what he was feeling.
"I can't help being disgusted with myself, whenever I consider it. It feels...wrong. And I don't understand...how could doing that to someone ever be okay?"
(F/n) sighed. "Some people misuse it, and they treat human beings like objects. And that is wrong. But...well, I don't know from experience, but from what I've heard..." She paused, as if gathering her thoughts. "It's different...if you love someone. It's not just about pleasure, though that is a part of it. It's...more of a way to express how much you love and trust that person, so much so that you don't want any barriers between you. You give yourself to them, and in return, they give themselves to you. And yes, it feels good, but I think...if you love someone...you'd want them to feel good..." she trailed off, biting her lip in embarrassment.
"Huh," Levi mused. He supposed it made sense, what she was saying. He still wasn't sure if he could ever be okay with it, but at least he understood a little bit better. And at least he knew that there was one other adult out there who, like him, had never experienced it for themselves.
At least he wasn't completely alone.
Levi glanced back at (f/n). She was staring at the ground, a faint blush spread across her cheeks.
"I know some people treat it more casually," (f/n) continued, "but I've always wanted to wait until marriage. To save it for that one, special person."
Levi swallowed. He had been wondering how to bring this up in the context of their own relationship, hoping she wouldn't be mad that he couldn't do...certain things...
"So, you're okay with not...doing that?" Levi clarified, blood rushing to his face. "I mean, if it's us..."
(F/n) met his gaze and nodded. "Of course. Even if I didn't want to wait until marriage, Levi, you should never feel obligated to do it if you're not ready. It should be a mutual decision, not something you're pressured into. And...if you never decide that you're ready, then that's perfectly fine, too. You should never feel bad because you don't want to, and...you shouldn't feel bad if you decide that you do," she murmured.
Levi reached out and took (f/n)'s hand. "Thank you," he said quietly, holding her gaze.
Another blush tinged her cheeks, and she gave him a small smile. "Anytime."
They stayed that way until the silence became awkward. Then (f/n) cleared her throat. "Uh, how about I go make us some tea? I still have an hour before my next training session."
Levi's gaze softened. "I'd like that."
(F/n) smiled again, then departed for the kitchen. Meanwhile, Levi returned to his chair, grabbing one of the documents that Erwin had sent him. However, he found it hard to focus on the words, as his mind kept drifting back to (f/n).
They had just had the most awkward conversation he could imagine, yet (f/n) didn't run away. She had talked it through. She had helped him understand. And now he knew that he really could tell her anything – trust her with anything.
Levi pushed the papers aside and waited until (f/n) returned with the tea. As always, she had been careful to prepare it exactly the way he liked it. And that was just one more thing he loved about her.