I slammed my locker shut, leaving behind all of my textbooks, binders, and notebooks. My backpack felt wonderfully empty as I turned and made my way towards the front of the school. All around me people were talking, laughing and joking with their friends. The semester was finally over, and now we had eighteen days of no school, no homework, no nothing. I exhaled a relieved breath that I had been holding since October. Christmas was next week, and I still had to work out Anna's present, but outside of that I was free to do anything I wanted. And now that I had my truck back, anything was possible.
Grinning, I walked through the parking lot. The weather seemed to reflect the happy times as well; the sun was shining, the sky was blue, and it was a good 50 degrees out. Typical Ohio weather.
I shook my head in disbelief as I had the thought. The week before it had been 20 degrees, and about two inches of snow had fallen, which was pretty good for this close to Columbus. But as of noon today, the snow was gone and the sun was warm on my face. Not that I was surprised, of course.
This was Ohio.
I found my Ford and climbed up behind the wheel. Turning my key in the ignition and pressing hard on the gas, I peeled out of the school, beating the traffic as other kids got the hell out of there. I sped down the road, rolling down the windows to feel the rush of the semi-cold air. Pat Benatar's Hit Me With Your Best Shot was on the radio, which for some reason made me think of Ari. I wanted us to get closer, and every day I still felt a longing for chance, stolen moments with her. That seemed to be the only downside to this break.
There was no chance for me to see Ari.
I parked outside Anna's house, my good mood slightly deflated. I used my opener to put up the garage door, then I cut the engine and locked my truck. When I walked in, I noticed that Anna wasn't home. It had been like that a lot lately; her hours at the hospital usually increased around the holidays.
I wandered over to my room, still thinking about Ari. It wasn't like I needed to see her, but it made my days so much better when I did. Part of that was the fact that I waited and hoped to see her all the time, but another was the massive tension I would feel between us. It felt like we were opposite ends on a magnet, physically drawn to one another whenever we were nearby. And every time we would end up close enough, the pull felt stronger and more difficult to resist.
I sighed. My heart was aching with desire; I wanted to feel her against me. I wanted to know what her lips would feel like on mine.
But unfortunately, I didn't think I would get to know anytime soon.
I sat down at my desk, opening my laptop. I threw my empty backpack into the corner of the room. I pulled up Amazon, looking for a Christmas present for Anna. But I was terrible at gifts, and I searched for forty-five minutes before I gave up, closing the lid of my computer and burying my head in my arms. This was always the thing that stressed me out the most. Inevitably, the gifts I got for people were never as good as the ones people gave me.
I closed my eyes and relaxed in my chair. I didn't have to worry about that right now. The stress of school had faded from my mind, and right now I didn't need to worry about anything. I was more calm than I had been in a long time, and soon I felt myself drifting off to sleep.
Ari and I were alone in a random classroom of the empty school building. The lights were off, causing the room to be dark but still tinged slightly blue from the light that filtered through the blinds on the windows. The tension was palpable; it weighed down on me, constricting my chest. I found it harder and harder to breathe.
She shut the classroom door carefully and turned to me. Every one of her movements was slow and calculated. She took her time walking over to me, torturing me with her sultry gaze. I could see a slight glimmer of nerves in her eyes, but somehow that made her all the more sexy.
"Ari?" I whispered, "what--"
"Shhh," she said, pressing her finger to my lips to enforce the command. I did so, watching as she bit her lip, her eyes flickering up and down my body. She took a step closer to me, bringing our faces within an inch of each others'. I could hear her breathing as she brought her mouth to my ear, whispering, "You're finally all mine," and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore.
I smashed my lips onto hers, fireworks exploding in my chest. She leaned into me, pressing my back against the wall as she held my face in her soft hands. I grabbed her hips, pulling her closer. Our mouths moved in cohesion, but soon I felt her lips travel from mine onto my neck, and I emitted a low moan as she kissed underneath my jaw. Her hands began moving slowly from my face down my sides, my skin burning under her gentle touch. They stopped at my waist, teasing at the clasp of my jeans.
She stopped for a breath and I took the chance, spinning her around, putting her against the wall. I planted kisses along her jaw, trailing down her neck to her collar bone. She gasped as I sucked slightly. I knew I would probably leave a hickey but I didn't care. She was finally giving me a chance, and nothing else mattered.
I moved my lips up to her earlobe. "That's where you're wrong," I muttered.
Her eyes met mine, a little confused, and I kissed her lips passionately before I continued.
"You're all mine."
Her eyes widened slightly but I didn't let her reply. I sealed her lips with mine once more, my hands now advancing along her back, down to the edge of her shirt. I began tugging it upwards. I couldn't help but feel a small bit of triumph. It was happening. It was finally--
"Soph why the hell are you sleeping? It's five in the afternoon!"
I started, pulling my head off my desk. My heart was pounding in my chest. "W-what?"
Anna was standing in my door, still in her scrubs from work. "You were asleep."
"I know, I know, why'd you have to wake me up?" I asked, frustrated.
She raised an eyebrow. "Were you having a good dream?"
I gave her a weird look. "No," I lied.
Smirking, she said, "Well it sure sounded like one."
My face burned, and I was sure my cheeks were bright red. "What did you hear?"
"Nothing," she replied, shrugging her shoulders. I exhaled, relieved. Anna turned to leave, then suddenly stopped.
"Who's Ari?"
Well, shit.
"N-no one," I stuttered.
"She didn't sound like no one."
"Well she is," I said firmly, more in control of myself now.
She raised her hands in a gesture of surrender. "Fine, she's no one. Whatever you say." But she continued to eye me curiously. I turned back around, pulling up Amazon again. I had given up on Christmas gifts for right now, and I wanted to look for a new pair of vans. I scrolled through countless pages, getting lost online once more. While I did, I could still feel Anna's eyes on the back of my head. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I turned back around in my chair. "Can I help you?"
"She's straight isn't she?"
I sighed. How did she do that? "I told you, she's nobody."
"You have a crush on a straight girl, don't you?"
Rolling my eyes, I ignored her.
"You do," she said, a smile breaking across her face. "You've got a crush."
"For God's sake, what is it with everyone?" I snapped angrily. "I don't have a crush, I don't have feelings. She. Is. Nobody."
"If you say so."
"God, you're infuriating," I growled.
She eyed me dubiously. "Am I? Or am I just telling you a truth you don't want to hear?"
I glared at her. "What if we didn't do this now?"
"Then you'd just be putting off facing it. You're scared of feelings and you're scared of relationships. You always have been."
I scoffed. "I'm not scared of anything. I don't catch feelings."
Snorting derisively, she turned to leave. "Keep lying to yourself all you want. Even though I've never seen you around this Ari, I know you've been different lately. You're straightening out your grades, you're more focused, you actually want to do stuff. Something about this girl brings out the good in you, and that's not something that happens often. You just don't know it yet."
Something in her words made me hesitate. "You really think so?"
She nodded. "Yes. Trust me. I've been wondering what it is, but if I'm being honest I never thought it would be a girl." She smiled slightly, showing me she was teasing.
I thought about what she had said. Did Ari bring out the best in me? I was always trying to impress her, be it consciously or otherwise. Maybe that was the reason I had tried to turn my grades around, and that had to be the reason I was trying extra hard at softball now. I wanted her to see the best me. But at the same time, I felt a strange desire to tell her about my past, about how damaged I really was. I had never felt such a need to be so vulnerable for someone. Part of me knew she wouldn't really care, simply because no one truly did. They just wanted you to hear their story. Yet another part hoped that she did. Trouble was, I didn't know which part had the right of it.
But while I was just feeling a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, Ari would reciprocate, I remembered one key detail.
"Well I guess it doesn't matter, because you were right."
She looked confused, so I elaborated.
"She is straight."
I saw her eyes widen a little, saw the sympathy emerge, watched her open her mouth to speak, to comfort me, to help me retain some piece of hope, but I just turned away. I felt miserable all of the sudden, and for the first time in a long time, tears were burning in my eyes. Anna, seeing me hunched over my desk, cut off her words and shut my bedroom door, leaving me in peace, which I was extremely grateful for. Even though we would fight a lot, she still knew me best, and she knew when I needed space the most.
And I really needed it right now.
I buried my head in my arms once more, but this time I was wide awake. Could Ari tell how she made me feel? Just thinking about her started a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I was captivated thinking about how beautiful she was, the next I was confused, wondering if she was feeling as strongly towards me as I was towards her. After that I would be terrified of that same attraction, then I'd be dejected, knowing that she was straight, and she couldn't possibly feel the same way.
It was confusing, it was dizzying, it was terrifying. But I couldn't get off. Subconsciously, I loved what she made me feel. I loved that she was constantly on my mind. And the fact that it felt so forbidden, solely because she was straight, made her even more irresistible.
I always wanted what I couldn't have.