One of the unique things about the tour bus beds was that they simultaneously felt tiny and spacious. Lauren always experienced a peculiar mix of claustrophobia and relaxation at night in her bunk. Tonight the feeling of claustrophobia was winning; she was resting on her back with all the lights off, willing sleep to come.
She was tired, her body felt heavy with exhaustion but her mind was active and was denying her body the rest it needed. The heat of the bus, lack of room and close proximity to Camila all factors in her insomnia.
The noises surrounding her usually had a calming effect on Lauren but tonight they only aggravated her. The low drone of the bus’s engine, the sound of someone’s light snoring, the tinny noise of someone’s iPod music playing. It wasn’t Camila’s music; it was too upbeat and loud. Camila liked to listen to quiet, relaxing music to sleep to. The brunette rubbed the heels of her hands into her eyes in annoyance that a) she knew stupid facts like that about Camila, and b) she still couldn’t freaking sleep!
Grabbing her phone, Lauren checked the time for what felt like the millionth time. The phone displayed 01:06am mockingly. She gave up trying to fall asleep, it was liked that ‘a watched pot never boils’ saying.
Flicking the bunk spotlight on above her head, she rolled over onto her right side to face the privacy curtain and drew it back slightly to check that Camila’s curtain was drawn; she didn’t want her light to wake the other girl. Satisfied the Cuban’s curtain was drawn tight; Lauren pushed her own all the way open and felt the claustrophobia from earlier lessen. She sat up in her bunk, ducking her head slightly then sat with her back against the wall and her legs outstretched from her bunk.
She felt herself breathe easier; confined spaces were not her favourite thing. She pulled her book out from under her pillow and opened it to the dog-eared page. She had read the book multiple times before but it felt good to read something familiar, especially when she was away from home. Books were Lauren’s comfort, her security blanket.
Elizabeth and Mr Darcy’s plight had her so captivated she had leaned forward unconsciously and was now half in her bunk and half in the aisle of the bus. She lost herself in the words, into the story she was transported. This is why she loved books, their ability to transport readers into the mind of the characters, allowing her to see the world through the characters eyes. Just ink on a page, telling of fictional characters, fictional lives and emotions, nothing but lies bound in leather telling us truths repeatedly. She was fully engrossed in these truthful lies.
This was probably why she let out a strange ‘yelp’ noise and jumped a foot in the air when Camila’s bunk curtain was whipped back suddenly. Lauren would’ve jumped higher if the roof of her bunk hadn’t connected painfully with the top of her head.
‘Ow!’
‘Crap!’ they spoke simultaneously. Lauren touched her head at the point of impact; she felt a tiny bump as Camila stood up then bent down slightly to also inspect the damage. ‘Sorry,’ she apologised.
A loud ‘Shhh’ came from somewhere down the bus, Lauren stopped rubbing her bump and shot a glare in that general direction. She turned back to Camila and almost jumped again at the close proximity of the other girl, crouched in front of her, sleepy yet undeniably concerned eyes inches from her own. Lauren felt herself blushing and so she avoided eye contact by looking down at Camila’s SpongeBob Squarepants pyjamas. Focusing on a smiling Patrick on the Cuban’s knee.
‘You okay?’ Camila whispered, concern but also amusement in her voice.
‘No, I’m concussed.’
Camila let out a small laugh at Lauren’s reply. ‘You’ll live.’
Lauren stopped focusing on the starfish and chanced a look at the other girl, she was rubbing her eyes adorably, Lauren thought she looked like a sleepy seven year old and had to bite her lip to stop the enthralled smile she’s sure she’d be sporting.
Keeping her voice down Camila asked, ‘Why are you sat in the aisle like a lunatic? It’s the middle of the night.’
‘Couldn’t sleep.’ She felt no need to elaborate. Camila seemed to think that a valid explanation as she stood back up. ‘I didn’t wake you did I?’
‘No, I had to pee.’ Camila replied, then as if realising she hadn’t actually been to the bathroom she turned and tiptoed hurriedly to the bus’s restroom.
Lauren smiled as she watched her leave, her SpongeBob PJ’s skewed and twisted and her hair a crazy mess piled on top of her head. She was beautiful, incomparably so. It was maddening, thought Lauren, how completely unaware of it Camila was.
The last five minutes were probably the most interaction they had had, just the two of them, since the start of rehearsals. Although it was her own fault that they were distant recently, she couldn’t deny that it felt good to be together again.
She should go back to attempting to sleep, but she was halfway through a chapter in Pride and Prejudice and although she didn’t see herself as having many OCD type tendencies, closing a book without finishing the chapter was one she did profess to have.
Pushing herself backwards she sat Indian style against the wall of her bunk, she began reading again. A few minutes later she heard the soft padded footsteps of Camila returning. Instead of crawling back into bed, Camila sat cross-legged in the aisle facing Lauren, mirroring her position.
‘Why are you sitting in the isle like a lunatic?’ Lauren asked, smirking and looking up from her book. The other girl ignored her, resting her head on her hand and yawning. ‘Go to sleep Camila, I’ll close this.’ Lauren said, reaching for the curtain but Camila grabbed it before she could pull it closed. ‘I just need to finish this chapter, and then I’ll turn the light off.’
‘You always need to finish the chapter.’ Camila said, smiling tiredly. Lauren smiled back; Camila knew her so well, quirky reading habits especially. It made her heart swell, she looked back to the words on the page, blurring together. ‘What’re you reading?’
Lauren turned the book over slightly so Camila could read the cover.
‘Again?’
‘You’ve read it as many times as I have. In fact, I can see the same book on the end of your bed.’ Nodding her head in the direction of Camila’s copy of the book peeking out from under a stuffed teddy, Lauren said, ‘I think it was you who told me to read it.’
‘That’s because I have impeccable taste.’
Lauren guessed Camila’s statement was supposed to come off as cocky but her tiredness just made her sound matter-of-fact. She had read once that seeing someone read a book that you love is seeing a book recommend a person. The first thing they bonded over during their X-Factor days was their mutual love of reading; their friendship had just snowballed from there.
Lauren watched as Camila shuffled forwards towards her until she was inside her bunk, then she sat back against the wall next to Lauren.
‘What’re you doing?’ Lauren queried.
‘I’m reading with you.’ Camila answered, resting her head on the older girls shoulder.
Lauren stiffened up at the contact. Stupid body! She never would have reacted like this a year ago, granted that’s mainly because she was swimming in the happy river of denial at the time. If Camila noticed her reaction she didn’t say anything. She sighed, so much for keeping her distance.
‘Please? Just for a minute. I miss you.’ That’s when it hit her, keeping her distance, avoiding Camila at all costs, wasn’t just painful for herself but for the other girl too. Camila, first and foremost, was her friend. Somebody she cared deeply about and not just in the non-platonic sense. Ignoring her wasn’t the way to go about this, Lauren realised. Hurting her was the last thing she wanted to do.
So Lauren made a promise, she would stop avoiding Camila, distance wasn’t helping anyway, makes the heart grow fonder and all that. She decided she would just have to pretend everything was okay, act the same as always. It was plausible, doable; she could be the old, oblivious Lauren Jauregui.
The brunette relaxed into the soft pressure of Camila against her side, as new and scary as these feeling were Lauren couldn’t deny that it felt comforting to feel Camila’s body heat and presence against her. Finishing the chapter eventually, she dog-eared the page and put it on the end of her bed.
Camila’s breathes were long and deep, puffing out against her arm and clueing her in that the Cuban had fallen asleep.
‘Camz?’ She whispered, jiggling her shoulder a little. When no response came she moved her arm around the other girls shoulder and moved her gently downwards until Camila was fully reclined on her bed. Pulling her blanket over her, just up to the waist, it was still kind of warm on the bus she tenderly moved a strand of hair from off her face and tucked it behind her ear. ‘You’re so beautiful.’ She whispered.
It would be so easy, Lauren thought, to just lie down next to her, press herself against her back and blame it on the unconsciousness of sleep. But she couldn’t, it would feel like a violation even though she was sure Camila wouldn’t of minded, she would be getting a satisfaction that was undeserved, unrequited. So she leant over and switched off the spotlight, moved out of her bunk and drew the privacy curtain closed.
Lauren then proceeded to crawl into Camila’s bunk, pulling the blanket up to her chin but she kept the curtain open. Breathing in deeply she smiled sadly, the pillow smelt distinctly of Camila. She felt like crying suddenly, she was going to have to lie to Camila, a lot. She wished it was like her books, she wished it was fiction what she was feeling, she wished it was lies. A tear slipped from her eye, down her nose and onto Camila’s pillow. She would keep it inside, this love, keep it close: cherish it and bury it, Camila would never know. Another tear fell, she could lie to the outside world but not to herself, it seemed that just like with the fiction she read; it’d all just be lies that say nothing but the truth, over and over again.