big shoutout to @chemicales for the AMAZING trailer to the side. please watch it and go follow her! it's everything i expected started with a lie to look like :-)
Chapter Thirty-Eight
The sky is a mixture of pink, blue, and purple when I get home. I thank Peter, who had given me a ride, and watch him speed off. Then, I turn around and walk into the front yard instead of going directly in my house. I take a seat down under the small tree that’s always been on the front lawn. The grass tickles the backs of my legs but I don’t move away. I just sit. And think.
What the hell am I doing?
Why am I not with Lee right now?
Why am I not chasing after him, fighting for him? For us?
I rest my back against the trunk of the tree and breathe in and out slowly. I’ve been trying not to cry all day. After standing for a whole twenty minutes after Lee had left, I finally snapped out of it and ran out of the burger shack. Only, I realized that Lee and I had come in his car and that even if I wanted to chase after him, I couldn’t. Still, even after I dragged myself back inside and smiled politely and nodded at everyone that talked to me, I was using all my strength to rein in my tears, scolding myself that if I let myself cry, it would be my own damn fault.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I mutter. I should’ve told him the day I knew. Why why why did I think it was a good idea to hold it in until absolutely necessary? He will never talk to me again.
I bring my knees up and put my head down on it, using my arms as a shield from the world. Penny is definitely telling him right now that she’s pregnant. Definitely. And then Lee will play the hero and go to her distress, whether the baby is his or not.
I’ll never get to see him again. I won’t get to hear his smooth laughs at his own bad jokes. I won’t get to see his stupid, cute head tilts. I won’t get to feel his rough fingers gently hold me. I won’t get to kiss him whenever I feel like it. I won’t get to randomly run away with him anymore, to go on secret adventures together to weird gas stations in the middle of nowhere and cliffs that look over beautiful cities. I won’t get to picnic with him on the roof of a car. I won’t get to fall asleep with him or wake up with him. I won’t ever get to hear him whisper sweet things into my ear or hear him softly sing songs that make my heart swell with utter happiness.
I’ll miss all the bad too. Our heated arguments over nothing. Our really bad dancing and timing. His attitude. My smart mouth. His bipolar personality. My overdramatic reactions. His ignorance to the value of money. My problem with his world. But we always work it out.
We. I think I’ll miss saying that most.
I hear squeaking and shoot up, fearing that a random rat is on my foot or something. In reality, it’s just a squirrel several feet away, holding acorns in its mouth. The squirrel is big, bigger than most, and stares intently at me with its black, beady eyes. I try not to look freaked out.
“Hey there…um…cool acorns,” I say. And then I hit my forehead with my hand. Why am I talking to a damn squirrel?
Surprisingly, he/she squeaks back or makes some weird noise that’s supposed to be a response. It understands me!
The squirrel suddenly runs away up the tree I’m sitting upon. I watch it as it climbs up and stops at a branch. It drops one of his/her’s acorn near my feet and before I can touch it to throw it back up to the squirrel, the fat squirrel is already running back down and retrieving it before I can.
“Wow, okay,” I say, scoffing as it runs off again back into the tree. I watch it for a couple more minutes before realizing what just happened. “Oh my god! Thank you so much, squirrel!” I jump to my feet and the squirrel flinches before scurrying off into its home. “Thanks so much!”
Immediately, I am speed walking to my own car in the driveway. That squirrel has taught me a lesson. The acorn (Lee) had fallen away from the fat squirrel (me) and before anyone else could take it (Penny, the universe, etc.), the squirrel had ran and fought for what was his or hers without any hesitation.
And that’s exactly what I should be doing! The squirrel was sent to me by the universe to indicate that I need to follow in the squirrel’s footsteps! Thank you, universe.
So, like the insane person I am for learning life lessons from a squirrel, I start driving to the Big Apple. I don’t even tell Brent, wherever he is, and I just drive.
Multiple times I get stuck in rush hour traffic and multiple times I almost turn back around to home. But how can I continue living if I just have regrets? Who cares if Penny kicks me out or Lee asks me to leave? Trying is better than waiting for life to fix itself. I’ve learned that much.
Once again, I realize something else once I’m at a stoplight in New York. The sky is dark now, the stars invisible as the skyscrapers steal their shine. As the sounds of the city surround me, I realize I don’t even know where Penny lives. Or if they’re even in New York City. Or if they’re even in the state, for god’s sake. They’re rich and they very well could be having their talk in Paris by now with their private jets and posh butlers.
A car honks at me and more join as the light in front of me turns green.
I honk back stupidly but continue driving. I do know where Lee lives and I guess I can just wait there for him. If the doorman lets me in.
I really didn’t think this through.
“You are who?” the prissy lady asks at the front desk in the lobby of Lee’s hotel. Her nails are long and red and they match her lips. I feel like she’d claw me if she had the chance.
I sigh. “Ivory…Ivory Flores.”
She purses her lips and flips through her binder. “I don’t see your name anywhere, miss.”
“Oh, um, I know Lee Richardson,” I say. Just having to say that makes me feel a little sick. How different our worlds are. If I was Penny, I’m sure this lady wouldn’t even give me a second glance before letting me in.
The woman runs her eyes over me again in question. At my plain teal dress and ratty brown jacket I just grabbed last minute from the car. She makes a noise, almost a tsk, and puts on her most apologetic look. She folds her hands on the desk. “I’m sorry, miss, but I can’t let you in just with that statement. No name, no reservation, I can’t allow you to enter.”
No name. I’m a nobody here. Outside of Brownwood, I’m no one.
“Um, okay, thank you.” Since when did I give up so easily? When did my fire burn out? Why am I not demanding her to let me in? I’m a stranger to myself and the rest of the world. I hate that itching feeling where you doubt yourself but at the moment, I can’t help but feel it taking over.
I turn around cooly, trying to remain with my dignity at least as I leave, but I bump into someone. The person I always seem to meet at the most random yet perfectest times.
“Ivory?” Lee’s soft voice runs over me, like a wave washing away a bottle.
The embarrassment catches up to me now, along with my desperation. Here’s little Ivory driving all the way to New York and being rejected by the lobbyist and having no luck like a little lost stray puppy. “Lee,” I greet but my voice doesn’t sound like my voice.
“What’re you doing here?” he asks. His face is neutral and I can’t tell if he’s mad at me or not. If he got told the truth or not. If he’s leaving me…or not.
I pick at the zipper of my jacket. “I-I wanted to talk to you.”
He raises an eyebrow. “This late into the night? It’s almost eleven.”
“Yeah…do you mind?”
Lee runs his eyes over my face. He opens his mouth but shuts it and I see him clench his fist like he’s fighting to keep something in. He shakes his head. “No. Let’s go up.” He gives the lobbyist a nod, an indication everything is alright, and then I follow him to the elevator.
It’s been ages since I’ve last seen his home. Well, his temporary home. He seems to be staying here only for work purposes but it’s his home in my eyes.
He twists a special key into the side of the elevator and it takes up to the highest floor. Awkward elevator music swims through the tiny little box. There’s nobody else on the elevator, of course. We don’t look at each other. It’s like we both know what’s going to happen and what has happened but we can’t seem to face reality.
A ding releases us into his loft. He enters and takes off his jacket, throwing it on a beige sleek couch. The entire place is as modern and clean since I last saw it. Floor to ceiling windows give a direct view over Manhattan. Stunning, really.
I walk behind him, feeling out of line if I just wander around. I feel like a stranger to his house too. Out of place. Awkward. It’s funny because just a couple hours ago, I’ve never felt so intimate with someone and now I feel like there’s an itch on my body that no scratching can rid. This uncomfortable version of Lee and I is not who we are.
He goes into the kitchen and motions for me to sit down. I do. He asks if I want juice. I do. He pours me some juice and places it in front of me. He stands on the other side of the island and asks if we should talk now. I say, let’s talk.
“How was, um, Penny?” I keep my eyes trained on the rim of the glass, trailing my index finger around and around.
“She’s good.”
“So, was she in an emergency like she said?” I already know the answer.
He sips his juice, looking away as he does. “Yeah…kind of.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“You, uh, missed some really good burgers.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Really is.”
We both sip our drinks at the same time and turn our eyes away from each other. I spin around in my chair and look at the city instead. Give myself something to focus on. I get up because I can’t stand the fact we’re right in front of each other but we’re not even interacting. Standing in front of the tall windows, I sigh.
I hear light footsteps and then he’s beside me. I don’t look. If I do, I can’t be responsible for what comes tumbling out of my mouth.
“It’s a beautiful night,” he whispers in a really sad tone I never want to hear again. He keeps his face looking straight into the window like me. Side by side yet so distanced. I don’t like it at all.
When I was eight, Mom took Brent and I to a nice lake to go on a boat ride. She had rented this nice, white, tiny boat—just enough for the three of us. We had spent hours in the water. Mom read some cheesy romance novel. Brent played games on his Nintendo. I just sat back and looked at the sky and trees. It was relaxing and every time I’m anxious I try to take my mind back to that time. Looking at the vast sky, not a single cloud, just clear blue.
I wish I could feel like that now but now all I feel is how it felt after that boat ride. Later, after we were done, Mom and Brent had told me to watch the boat because they were going to get some food and we would have a little picnic on the dock. Instead, I got distracted by a frog and the rope I was supposed to hold had slipped off the dock.
I could reach it. I could. But when I got down on my stomach and reached into the water, my fingers just grazing the water, it seemed so far away. My fingers wiggled and I kept lunging further but I just couldn’t reach it, not without falling. It was incredibly hilarious. The rope was about a centimeter away from my hand but it made all the difference.
Lee stands close so our shoulders are briefly touching but both of us stand silent and strong. Well, try to. I want to just scream and do something.
Cars below us drive by, everyone enveloped in their own life and little problems. Lights in buildings flicker off and new ones turn on. Slowly, it starts to drizzle and I can almost hear the city sigh with relief after the extremely humid day. Life goes on.
“Let’s stop this,” I say. I put down my glass on a nearby table.
“Stop what?” he says, intentionally dumbfounded.
“Us.”
He breaks our little game and he turns his entire body to me. His mouth is open a little and his eyes scan my face, the blue twinkling from the lights outside. And that does it because there’s nothing worse than Lee looking at me like I just broke his entire world. I turn to him and my cheeks are instantly full of streaming tears.
“We—we have to stop.” I wipe at my tears wildly. Keep it fucking together, Ivory.
Lee finds his voice. “What’re you talking about?” he says, too loudly at first. He lowers his voice. “What...what are you talking about?”
“You know what.”
“We don’t—we shouldn’t. We don’t need to end this.” His voice cracks when he says end this and I know he feels that it’s over too.
I look away because now that we’re both aware of the situation, it’ll end faster. My heart will break faster. I try to keep my eyes focused on something outside—a building, a stoplight, a person, anything—but my eyes betray me and my tears blur my vision.
“She’s pregnant,” I whisper. “She’s pregnant.”
“It’s not mine,” he says. He reaches and takes my hand into his. His thumb runs over my fingers. “It’s not.”
“I know.” My body turns to him again. I hold his hands with my own. “But what are you going to do, Lee? Leave your rumoured fiancee, who’s now pregnant, behind? Leave your reputation—your business? Everything you worked so damn hard for? Leave your mother’s wishes, your father’s legend—your life behind?”
His voice shakes. “Y-yes. I’d leave it all. I will leave it all.”
“Be realistic,” I say. One of my tears lands on our hands. “Then what, Lee? You’re going to get shunned from your old life and everyone in it. Then what? You’re going to be a homeless bum? Move in with your financially unstable girlfriend who’s in college with a mother in a coma? What next, huh?”
“We’ll figure it out, I promise,” he says. He grips my hand tighter.
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” I look at him. His eyes are red and wrinkles line his forehead. “You know instead of ruining all of that, if you just take me out of the equation, it’ll all be fine again.”
“How can you say that?” His voice breaks and he looks up. Our eyes connect and he holds his gaze there, intense and full of emotion. “How can you say that like I don’t have any feelings for you? Like I don’t just want to spend everyday with you? Like I don’t think about you every single minute of the day? Have you forgotten everything that’s happened between us? I’ve given you every piece of me…How can you act like I’m not madly in love with you?”
My silent tears begin to turn into sobs. Lies shoot out of my mouth. “Time will cover it up. Within time, you’ll forget. It’ll be fine. Everything will be.”
“I won’t be!” he says. It’s not loud but the way he says it, it’s full of raw emotion that it kind of just takes me off guard. “I don’t know who I’ll become again without you. I’ll go back to being my old self. Work. Drinking. Work. Blindly searching for something I’ve always been missing.”
“Well, how do you think I feel!” I’m shouting. It feels good to shout. “You think I’m just going to wake up the next day with a smile on my face and just get over you? How do you think I feel? Losing you is going to be like walking around half my body chopped off. You’ve given me so much—too much over the span of this year. I never will wish for anything better. You’ve been perfect. And I’ll treasure our time together forever.”
“Don’t you dare talk like this is goodbye,” he whispers.
“This is.”
“No.” He snakes his arm around my waist and pulls me into a tight embrace. “I refuse to let you go.”
My crying is loud now and my face is a river. “You know Penny is important. You know she’s going to need you. Some guy probably fucked her over and now she has a baby and she’ll get kicked out if she tells her high style parents. Not married and pregnant? I know how bad that is. She’s your best friend, your sister, even I know that. You couldn’t ditch her even if you tried.”
I feel his body tremble a little. “I…I’ll find a way.”
“I know you don’t deserve being with someone just because they’re pregnant and for both your reputations but I know reputation is everything here,” I inform him. I hold him tighter, his face in between my neck and shoulder. “She needs you more than I do.”
“I need you more than I need anyone else,” he says, his lips brushing against my neck. “Please don’t leave me.” He leaves a ghost of a kiss on my neck. “Please.”
“I can’t.”
“I love you.” Fuck.
“I can’t.”
“Just tonight. Please. Stay with me tonight. We can talk about this in the morning. When we both have clearer thoughts. Tell me you’ll stay.” Slowly, he pushes me against the window. I look behind me and it almost feels like I’m going to fall. For a second, I almost wish I do. Maybe I could get away from all this. Heart wrenching goodbyes and ghostly kisses.
“We can’t do this anymore,” I whisper. Lee’s hand tugs at a strand of my hair and he’s looking at me. His eyes are warm and so loving. How am I going to forget this? How the hell am I going to forget him?
“Stay,” he says. He leans in and kisses the corner of my mouth. “Stay. Just tonight.” Lee gets closer, foreheads touching, eye to eye. “Ivory, stay.”
“I—” I see the tears in his eyes, “—I…I’ll…I’ll stay.”
“Thank you,” he whispers. He kisses my forehead gently and then my lips, pressing them gently as if I’ll break. As if we’ll both break. His lips feel light as feathers as they trail from my lips to my jaw to my neck. We both know where this will go. It’s going to be a cycle. He pins me against the city and I grip his shoulders as the moon and skyscrapers dimly light his living room.
His lips go lower and there are buttons and zippers and my fingers are in his hair. I close my eyes against his innocent but cruel kisses and I say it again even if it’s temporary and only for one more second, one more minute, or one more day. “I’ll stay.”
tun tun tun and trust me we haven't even gotten to the worst part yet lol i hate myself
song for this chapter: our july in the rain by he is we bc it's raining in the chapter in the summer and their relationship is...well...you know
update on my way kewl life: i'm going to jingle ball boston so if anyone's going, hey there bud! and recently i found out one of my friends is actually a writer herself and she let me read some of her work and she's so good. i've been convincing her to make a wattpad bc honestly she'd get so much feedback. i am in love with one of her characters, blake winters. yes, he is the asshole he sounds to be. LOL I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY AND I SHOUTED "i luv assholes!" bc i was reading her book and like ten people laughed at me IT WAS GREAT.
in other news, i found out my exchange partner. i participate in our school's elite spanish exchange trip (lol jk not that elite) but only 20 kids are going and i got picked yay! my partner's name is daphne and i love her already. i'm going in february to espanaaaa :')
in other other news, i do hockey cheerleading and YUM HOCKEY PLAYERS but omg our first game is wednesday and i've never done this before so woo. we got to pick our players and i was gonna pick this guy i had a crush on a long time ago but i was like nah and ended up with the captain of the hockey team instead and let me tell u HE'S HELLA FINE so i hope that works out
um yeah sorry i exploded on u i have so many things due and so many things this week and u know how it is before the holidays--everything kind of just explodes
but thank you for reading and how was your day, love? i hope it was rainbows and sunshine and if it wasn't, tell me all about it in the comments and our #swalsquad or #swalfam will get ur back and pick u back up bc honestly u are amazing & beautiful and i love u even if i'll never meet u and i hope u treat urself right and nurture urself and others and have a fab day ♥