Chapter 35 - Decision Time
My mouth had gone completely dry. I knew in that moment I had just ruined everything. Ben waited for a moment before spinning on his heels and storming out of the room. "Ben!" I called, practically shoving London out of the way to chase him. In the hallway, I saw Rider try to stop his brother, grabbing his shoulder. Ben tossed him off quickly and continued to storm to the front door.
"Where is he going?" Ryder asked as I ran by. I didn't even bother to try and explain. There was only one person who I cared about and he was getting away. The front door slammed so loudly I swear the house shook, yet no one else in the house heard because of the party going on in the other room. The party meant for Ben. The party that now would be the worst night of everyone's lives thanks to me.
When I reached the door and threw it open, he was already halfway to his truck. "Ben!" I tried again, my voice straining from urgency. He stopped in his steps, back rigid. I froze as well, almost scared to take another step. Even though his back was facing me I could tell the look on his face was dangerous. "Come on Ben, it's me. I am so sorry. Let me explain."
"How could you not tell me the second you found out?" His voice was bitter, dripping with venom. I closed my eyes, willing the tears not to fall. "You should've come straight to me and-"
"I just wanted you to have a good birthday," I squeaked, completely breaking. My chest physically hurt. "I didn't know what to do. You deserve to have the best birthday ever, I just want you to have the world and I knew if I told you-"
"You think I give a damn about my birthday?!" He roared, turning to face me. You could practically see the fire raging in his usually beautiful eyes. "This is my family, Shiloh. My goddamn family. Even if you can't understand that because you never had a real one, family comes first."
My mouth fell open. He had the audacity to say that to me? I knew he was hurting, and I knew he had found out in the worst possible way, but it felt like someone had shot an arrow through my stomach. No words could form in my mouth. It was like I completely forgot how to speak. For the first time in months I was seeing a glimpse of the Benjamin I had met on my first day in the Miller home. The boy who hated me, and I hated him. The man I had come to love had melted away, leaving a bitter, furious shell of a person I didn't recognize. So I stood there, mouth open, gasping for breath, because I didn't know what I could possibly say. Ben must've took that as a sign to continue, because he kept talking.
"I mean Jesus, Shi, how stupid do you have to be? You say you love me but you're willing to keep this big secret for what? For my mom? My dad? Because don't you dare say it was for me, that's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard." I opened my mouth to respond, but he wasn't done. "Is this what you do? First fuck Mason James, now keep this secret? How am I supposed to ever trust you" A flood of anger so hot it made my face burn washed over me. At that point, I'm not even sure why I was surprised at his harsh words. He had proven over and over again that he was willing to say anything to get the last word. But not this time. I wouldn't let him win.
"I tried to do the right thing!" I yelled, so loudly it surprised even me. "It's not as simple as you think! I have this big bomb dropped on my shoulders completely by accident and then all of a sudden I realize I'm going to have to leave behind the boy I love, the only person I have ever loved with every part of my being, to stay with my sisters. I know you won't leave your home, I don't expect you to. I am allowed to hurt too, Ben! I am allowed to have feelings. So sure, if you want to tell me I did the selfish thing, then fine, maybe I did. Maybe all I wanted was for us to have one last good night. Maybe I wanted to find a way to sneak off and have a few last moments together where I could pretend this was my life. Because you are right, I haven't had a 'real' family with a mom and a dad, and this is the closest thing I have had to it. But my sisters, those girls in there, are my real family and I'm sure as hell not leaving them, either. So we're done before we even got started all because your dad wanted to have an affair with his secretary, the most cliche thing ever! You're always so quick to blame me, Ben, you never want to look at it from my point of view. So let's put the shoe on the other foot. You say you love but but you're willing to treat me like shit just so you don't have to reevaluate the way you look at life, with a silver spoon up your ass."
I took a deep breath, hands shaking. Behind me, I heard the front door open and several people shuffle out. I could tell by the way Ben's eyes flicked behind me that we now had an audience. "Guys?" Savanna called, "Is everything okay?"
"Shi-"
"Just peachy," I cut him off, giving him the most wicked smile I could muster. I spun on my heels, taking in the sight in front of me. All of the Millers and all of the Quinns together for probably the last time. "Nothing to see here. Unless, of course, you want to continue, Ben? Tell the whole family how I'm a fucking piece of shit human being with no possible way to know what family means? How I'm so terrible to even want to save a sliver of your feelings? Oh, that's right, you're a fucking dick." The venom dripping from every word pierced even my own heart. I didn't even know who was speaking anymore, because it certainly wasn't me. But then again, something felt different, too. He had broken a part inside me that I didn't know existed, taking my last strand of hope for him with it. Something in Ben's eyes changed, the shift in his face was evident, but I didn't give him the chance to speak. My blood still boiling, I marched up the stairs and grabbed London and Cora's hands. "Come on girls, lets go pack our bags."
"Shiloh, what's going on?" Cora asked me, eyes wide with confusion. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was squeezing their wrists too hard, but in my haze of fury I was moving like a robot.
"Shi!" Arielle called behind me. I glanced over my shoulder as I reached the stairs to see my other sisters trailing behind us. "What happened?"
"We're leaving," I muttered, finally releasing my grip on the girls. Hands in fists, I started to march up the stairs. There was a commotion of confused whispers behind me, but I did my best to ignore them. Suddenly, I felt like I was going to throw up. I stopped with my hands over my stomach and sat down, the wave of nausea so powerful I couldn't breathe. What had just happened? I had thought Ben was this great guy and just had up these walls to protect himself and his family, but I had been so wrong. He was just an asshole with an attractive face.
In a second the girls were around me, wrapping me in a hug. "I don't know what's wrong, but it'll be okay, Shi," Zoe told me, laying her head on my shoulder. Suddenly, I couldn't hold it in any longer. Tears started falling and my whole body was shaking.
"Oh no you don't," London said, grabbing my shoulders and yanking me to my feet. "Not here. Not where he can see you." I knew she was right, but it was so difficult to finish the climb up the stairs when my body felt so weak. They lead me to my room and sat me down on my bed, all staring at me with wide, concerned eyes. I took a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm down. They deserved an explanation.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, immediately prompting my sisters to hug me again. "Guys, Savanna and Jason are splitting up..."
"No!" Cora gasped, hand over her mouth. "Why!"
"Jason had an affair," The words were hard to form. All I wanted to do was sleep so that I didn't have to think of this nightmare. "With his secretary."
"So gross," London huffed, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes.
"So what happens to us?" Zoe said, asking the question I knew they were all wondering, but too afraid to ask. Like me, I was sure this place felt like their home. I hated the idea of breaking their hearts like this.
"We get to pick who we go with," I shrugged, "Savanna is going to move to California and Jason will stay here. We'll go with Savanna so Ari can have more access to her acting."
"But what about Ben?" Cora said, grabbing my hand. "We know you care about him."
"Yeah, but I can't ask you guys to stay here for me," I forced a smile, knowing it probably looked like the most fake smile ever. "Besides, I wouldn't want to stay here, anyway. I need to get as far away as possible." Ben's hurtful words were flashing through my head on a loop. Again, I wanted to puke.
"But you love him," Arielle said, making me turn to face my youngest sister for the first time. I wanted to protect her from all of this, she was too young. And yet I had a suspicion she was smarter and more mature than any of her older sisters.
"Trust me, it's over," I laughed bitterly, shaking my head. "I never want to see him again."
"What happened?" London asked, grabbing my hand. I pulled back reflexively, shaking my head.
"I don't want to talk about it. Can we just go to bed?" Something in my eyes must have showed her how badly I was hurting, because she usually would've pushed me to explain myself. Instead she just nodded and crawled into bed. As I closed my eyes, the shrill ring of my cell phone cut through the air. I sat up, startled, and grabbed it off of the nightstand. Mason James name lit up the screen, making the pit in my stomach sink even deeper. What the hell could he possibly want? I thought to myself, frowning. I thought we had left things very clear; it was a mistake and we wouldn't be seeing each other again. For a moment I debated answering, if only to use it as a slap in the face for Ben, but I thought better of it. There was no reason to cause any more pain. Rolling my eyes, I silenced the call and laid back down. My sisters crawled in besides me, wrapping me in their comforting arms. I fell asleep almost immediately, feeling exhausted and wanting to forget everything.
***
At some point in the night I was woken up by hushed, angry whispers. A heavy haze of exhausted still laid over me, but I was able to make out a few words.
"She doesn't want to see you," London hissed, sounding pissed.
"I just need to talk to her for a few minutes," Ben pleaded, sounding desperate. It could've been the fact that I was half asleep, but I swore I heard a slight slur to his words, as if he had been drinking. I wanted to get up, but I was still half asleep. "I messed up."
"I do not care, Benjamin," my sister spat, "You hurt her. I've never seen her like this. You're lucky I don't cut your balls off right here and now!"
"But if I could just talk to her-"
"Absolutely not," I had never head London sound so scary. Even I would have been afraid of her. "If I have anything to do with it, you'll never see her again." The door slammed, and then I felt London climb back into bed. I wanted to ask her what all he said, but instead I slipped back into slumber.
***
When I woke up the next morning, my body hurt. My face felt tight and my eyes swollen from crying myself to sleep. I groaned as I sat up, stretching my sore muscles. As I blinked in the bright light, I realized my sisters had disappeared. I slid from my bed, running my hands through my tangled hair. Ben's words from the night before still swam in my head, not even giving me a second of peace. I wanted to crawl right back into bed, but I forced myself to swing my legs over the side of the bed and stretch. Yawning, I grabbed my phone off of the charger.
6 missed calls from Mason James.
My brows furrowed in confusion. What could possibly have been so important that he needed to blow up my phone? Groaning to myself, I shoved my phone in my sweat pants pocket before making the journey downstairs. It was the last thing I wanted, knowing that Ben would be down there, but I knew there was only so long I could avoid the trouble. When I walked into the kitchen I found Rosie busy chopping watermelon, her eyes swollen as if she had been crying. When she looked at me, my heart clinched. I rushed forward and wrapped my arms around her, an embrace she willingly returned.
"When do you leave?" She asked. I could tell she was struggling to keep her voice even. Slowly, I released her, grabbing a knife so I could help her cut.
"I'm not sure yet," I admitted, shrugging. Now, the idea of moving across the country didn't seem so bad. "They said by the end of the week, but I don't know exactly when." Rosie sniffed and nodded, returning to her work. I chopped silently beside her, realizing just how much I would miss her friendship.
I heard his footsteps before I saw him. The way he dragged his feet slightly when he walked made it unmistakable. My heart started beating faster and, despite my best judgment, I couldn't help but watch as Ben stepped into the room. We locked eyes and for a moment my brain betrayed me. For a moment, a split, fleeting second, I forgot the accusations he had made. Just for a bliss second I looked at him and felt my heart swell, but it fell twice as fast. The dark, ashamed look in his eyes was unmistakable. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, the high pitch tone of my ringtone cut him off.
Without missing a beat, I pulled the phone out of my pocket. "Hey, Mason," I said, lifting my voice to sickeningly sweet heights. I saw the way Ben flinched before I spun on my heels and rushed from the room. I had just created a ticking time bomb, and I didn't want to be there when it blew up. When the backdoor closed behind me, I continued walking, knowing he would be hot on my tail. "Look, I don't know why you're calling, but leave me alone."
The change of tone must have caught Mason off guard, because he stuttered, "I-well, nice to talk to you too," the genuine ring of his laughter sparked memories I had been trying to forget. The only reason I had answered the phone was because I was desperate for some way to get back at Ben, even though I knew it wouldn't fix anything. "Look, I'm just calling because I thought you would want to know my friend Reed told me he was using the room before we got there that night."
Immediately, I knew which night he was speaking of, I just didn't know why he was telling me. "Okay, cool, good to know we slept in someone else's bed. Don't call me again." I had made it halfway around the side of the huge house, dodging rocks and stickers in my bare feet, when I heard the backdoor slam. My heart felt like it leapt into my throat as I quickened my pace.
"You're not hearing me," he chuckled, making me imagine him shaking his head at my slowness. "I don't think we slept together." I froze, forgetting that I was running away from someone. The thought seemed too good to be true. "I had given Reed a room key because I was staying alone, and he said he had some company, if you know what I mean, before going out that night. He said when he came back we were laughing because you had split your pants trying to 'drop it low' at the club. He says I went to shower, and you stripped and climbed into bed. I guess my drunk ass fell right to sleep after the shower, forgetting you were there or not caring. He left to continue his party. He didn't know who you were and didn't ask, he just figured we were going to hook up anyway, but if you were already asleep , and neither of us remember, I'm betting its because it didn't happen."
My mouth fell open in shock. I wasn't in a position to ask questions, if Mason, a relative stranger, was taking the time to call me to tell me, I couldn't think of a reason he would lie. Before I could process enough to respond the phone was ripped from my hand, making me squeak. I turned to find Ben towering over me, looking more furious than I had ever seen him. His cheeks were flushed red nostrils flaring.
"If you ever call this number again I will find you and kick your entitled, rich ass," he growled, grinding his teeth together. "Shiloh is my girl and has no reason to speak to you, ever, so forget her. Forget everything. Or you will regret it." And with that he threw my phone as far as he could, rounding his anger to me. I wanted to shout in protest, but I had broken his phone, so the score was even.
Besides, seeing him so possessive gave me butterflies.
'Shiloh is my girl.'
Hot, even though I knew it should have pissed me off.
"What the hell are you doing?" He hissed, grabbing my wrist. If he thought I was going to run, he was wrong. All of my anger from the night before came bubbling back, building up inside me like a bomb waiting to explode. "I know I said some things last night, but to talk to him of all people?!"
"Some things?" I laughed humorlessly, shrugging out of his grasp. "You're right, my bad, I over reacted." I crossed my arms across my chest, hoping he would challenge me. All I needed was one excuse to start yelling. Ben's shoulder dropped in defeat, his head hanging. "That's what I thought." Based on the way he flinched, I knew my words were having the intended effect. Even if he knew what he said was wrong, it didn't take them away. Heavily, I sighed. "We're stuck in the cycle, Ben. All we do is hurt each other. I can't keep doing this."
"I know," he sighed, running a hand through his air. When he finally looked at me tears brimmed is eyes, a rare display of emotion from Ben. It took every ounce of will power I had not to run to him. The tenseness of the air, all the things neither of us wanted to say, made me shiver. "If you want to go to him, I won't stop you." The words were like a slap in the face. After everything we had been through, did he really think I wanted to be with Mason James? "He'll be in LA, where Mom will take you. I'll stay here and out of your way."
"You're kidding, right?" It felt like my heart was ripping out of my chest. I wanted to scream in agony; there was no way to explain how it feels to watch someone start to let you go. "Ben, he called me to say we didn't sleep together." At this, I had his attention. He stood a little straighter, hanging on my every word. "Something about his friend Reed using the room before us, I ripped my pants, I don't know you threw my phone into the woods before I could ask questions. But I believe him. I didn't sleep with Mason."
He breathed out, clinching his hands into fists. I watched him, looking for any sign of how he would react next. When he didn't speak, I continued, "But I meant what I said. We just hurt each other. Together, we are toxic. It's too hard. It shouldn't be this hard, right?" Tears slipped down my cheeks no matter how hard I tried to prevent them. All I wanted to do was crumple into a ball and cry, but I had to resist the urge. I had to be strong. "I will go to LA, but not to be with Mason. You should stay here, be with your dad and brothers. They'll need you." And with that I turned on my heels, praying he couldn't see how much the words broke me.
It's what needed to be done. I should have done it a long time ago, but I was stuck on a fairytale. I had been too busy hoping that the blue eyed boy would be my happy ending after the shit show that had been my life to see that we were just delaying the inevitable. This was the best decision, even though it felt like I was stomping my own heart into a million pieces. As I walked, the dry grass cracked under my bare feet, the only sound over my hitching breath. I had almost made it to the front yard when his hoarse, broken voice made me freeze.
"No."
It was one simple word, but it made my heart stop. I couldn't look at him so I didn't turn.
"I'm not losing you, Shiloh. I love you and I'm not giving up on us." That did it, I broke. Gasping, I crumpled to the floor, wrapping my arms around my stomach. In a second his arms were around me, his lips to my ear as he whispered, "I believe you about Mason, I won't bring it up again. I swear on my life. I am so sorry about last night, I'm an ass. I'm working on it, and I will do better. We haven't even had a fair chance yet. Don't give up before you see what we can be. Because I can see it already, and I'm not giving up without a fight." I couldn't even speak I was crying so hard, body shaking, only sitting up because Ben clung to me so tightly. He tried to wipe away my tears, but it was useless, they just kept falling. "Please, Shiloh. Let's go right now. Let's go on a real date, not worry about anything for a day except us. My mom and dad are too busy fighting to even notice. Come on, we can do this. Just say yes."
I let myself wonder, which is perhaps almost as dangerous as hoping for something good. I could picture myself in his arms, not a care in the world, happy as could be. I really did believe we could be happy together if given the chance. I had fallen so quickly and so deeply for that boy that thinking about never seeing him again made me want to vomit. I wanted the romantic nights, the many years, hell, I even wanted the petty fights that I knew we could work our way through. I was just tired of hurting so damn much to get there. But in the end, I knew what my answer would be without even having to think.
Wordlessly, I nodded.