It's raining but Zoe's been driving around for hours.
She may be a woman on a mission, but she's also absolutely terrified. So terrified that she drove to Niall's place twice only to park outside for ten minutes, work herself up into a panic, and drive away moments later. She's on her third cup of coffee for the day and by the fourth time she's gone into Starbucks, the barista just smiles at her before writing her name on a cup and asks if her order will be the same as the last. Zoe frowns when she gets back to her car with her new drink. She wonders if the place must be a slow Starbucks if the barista remembered her and her pitiful caffeine cravings.
The sun is barely peeking through the dark clouds when she pulls up to Niall's place once again, and as she downs the remainder of her americano, she tells herself that she's not going to run away anymore. She came all this way to tell Niall her side of the story, and she's not going to leave until she does it.
The rain hasn't let up since she's gotten here and she doesn't have an umbrella but she doesn't let that put a dent in the determination that's currently swirling through her. (It might've just been the caffeine but Zoe doesn't let that deter her). There isn't a lot of parking on Niall's block so she has quite a walk in the rain, but she distracts her mind with other things like what she's going to say when he opens the door or how she's going to react if he ends up getting angry.
Before she knows it, she's at his front door, her clothes drenched from the rain and sticking to her skin uncomfortably. As she lifts her hand to ring the doorbell for the second floor before she loses the nerve, she's distantly glad she decided not to wear mascara today. Niall lives in the second story of a duplex with a roommate, according to Maura. Zoe spent most of yesterday on the phone with her as she sneakily slipped bits and pieces of information about Niall throughout their conversation. Zoe doesn't know if it was Maura believing in her or the fact that she was tired of moping around, but coming up to find Niall on a whim is definitely one of the more reckless things she's done in a while.
She hears someone coming down the stairs behind the door and she starts to panic, nonsense thoughts such as does my hair look okay or shit, how do I even know if I've got the right address running through her mind in the moments that it takes for someone to open the door. Zoe hears the click of the lock and her eyes immediately flit down to watch the door knob turn, and if she starts to feel a little dizzy it's because she finds herself holding her breath throughout the whole thing.
The person behind the door isn't Niall, and Zoe immediately starts to panic because it seems, for a moment, that one of her nonsense thoughts actually comes true. "Hi," the woman says slowly. She's got long, dark hair and a pretty smile. "Um, can I help you?"
"Uhh," Zoe gets out unceremoniously, only to be cut off when the woman looks behind her at the sound of someone else bounding down the stairs.
"Jaya, I think I'm gonna go to the store to get that—" Zoe thinks her heart stops at the sound of his voice, and maybe it's why she feels like she might pass out when he looks at her with widened blue eyes that nearly make her wonder if this was all just a big mistake. "Zoe?"
She almost wishes that she looked at herself in a mirror before ringing his doorbell but all she can do at this point is hope that she doesn't look as much like a deer in headlights as she feels. "Uh, hi," she gets out, or at least that's what she thinks she says. She can't exactly hear herself with all of the blood rushing in her ears.
A gust of wind hits her and she shivers, realizing just how soaked she is. Her bones feel like they've frozen over and she can't help the way her teeth are clattering. Niall snaps out of it at the sound of it and Zoe watches him close his mouth to swallow thickly. "Zo," he says again, shaking his head a little, "what are you doing here? Come inside, it's freezing." He steps down the remaining few stairs to reach out for her wrist, leading her inside with a hand on the small of her back so he can close the front door behind her.
"Ohhh," Jaya draws out, and Zoe'd forgotten she's been standing there this whole time. "You're Zoe! Like the Zoe!"
Zoe finds herself huffing out a nervous laugh as she follows Jaya and Niall up the stairs and she hopes that it doesn't sound as strained as she thinks it does. Her throat feels tight with discomfort, but she pushes forward because while this isn't exactly the situation she'd imagined, she's a woman on a mission and she's not going to let something as trivial as a little awkwardness stop her. "Uh, that's me, I guess."
Jaya laughs, and the sound is just as pretty as her smile. "You know, for all the bitching Niall's done about you, he's never quite mentioned how beautiful you are."
Zoe flushes in embarrassment and Niall groans from the top of the stairs as he opens the door leading into their apartment. "Jaya."
"What?" Jaya turns around to send Zoe a smile and help her get her soaked jacket off. "Niall, she literally got caught in the rain and still looks good." Then she turns to Zoe. "A natural beauty, you are!"
Zoe thinks she might just evaporate into smoke despite the fact that she's still shivering. She presses her cold hand to the back of her heated neck in an effort to tamp down her blush. "Um, thanks?"
She looks over in time to see Niall roll his eyes. "Jaya, stop harassing her. She needs to get out of those wet clothes or else she'll get sick." He steps into a room for a moment and reemerges with some clothes and a towel. Zoe startles when he tosses it at her, but when she meets his eyes she can see how hard he's trying to cover up the apologetic look that threatens to break through his features. "The bathroom's the second door on the left," he says curtly, flicking his head in its direction, and Zoe excuses herself with a quiet murmur of appreciation.
When she closes the door of the bathroom behind her, she slumps against it, heaving a deep sigh and scrubbing her cold hands over her overwhelmingly warm face. She pulls herself together with a chant going I'm not going to give up I'm not going to give up I'mnotgoingtogiveup playing over and over again in her head, splashing cold water over her face before pulling on the clothes lent to her by Niall. As she runs the towel through her hair, she realizes that the dry clothes immediately have her feeling less overwhelmed and she's able to breathe a little better. When she finally works up the courage to open the door, she realizes that the shirt she's wearing smells like Niall.
He's laughing when she finds him. Like really laughing—a true Niall laugh that starts from his gut and expands outward until it's bouncing off all the walls and entrancing everyone around. He's got an arm slung over Jaya's shoulders as they stand in front of the stove in the kitchen, and his laugh reduces to cute giggles when he brings both his arms around her to squeeze her in a one-sided embrace. Zoe watches as he ducks down to say something in her ear, laughing all the while, and Jaya shoves him away as she tries to suppress her own chuckles. Zoe can't help the way her face burns at the sight.
Niall's eyes catch hers and she freezes. He huffs through his lingering giggles and swipes a thumb along the laughter-induced tears that've caught in his lashes. His eyes soften at the sight of her and Zoe smiles timidly. "Zo, Jaya's making lasagna if you want some. It's vegan though so it might be shit."
Jaya swats at Niall's chest in response to his jab and even Zoe can't help but grin at their playfulness. She wonders who Jaya is to him; Maura's slipped her a lot of information but she failed to inform her of this. "You're such a little bitch," Jaya's saying to him, a scowl visible from what Zoe can see of her face. "You always talk shit about vegan food but I don't see you complaining when you're stealing the leftovers from the fridge."
Niall laughs but he doesn't bother responding, instead meeting Zoe's eyes again, his brows lifting as a reiteration of his previous question. Zoe understands then. It's a peace offering, a silent apology for his behavior earlier, and she smiles at him in answer. "I'd love some," she says, grinning at Jaya when she turns around. "I bet Niall's just a little jealous because his cooking's always been a little shit."
Jaya's resulting cackle echoes throughout the entire apartment and Zoe takes a moment to grin at Niall's affronted gasp at her effort at banter. She's relieved when he takes it in stride, and when he and Jaya start bickering again, she joins in.
This is progress already.
~
They eat on the couch because Jaya wanted to watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead and Zoe wanted to get Niall's attention.
"Can we talk?" she murmurs to him when Jaya's distracted enough by her show. The volume is raised alarmingly high but Zoe doesn't mind so long as Niall doesn't pretend he can't hear her.
He doesn't. He does, though, pretend that he doesn't remember how sour their last encounter was. "About?"
Zoe frowns. "Ni, please? I really wanna fix this."
That gets his attention, because he looks at her with his bright blue eyes that at least looks as nervous as she feels. He sighs quietly, shifting a bit to show her he's listening. "Okay," he huffs, bringing another forkful of the lasagna to his mouth. "But later. I've got errands to run."
Zoe smiles at him, relief washing through her. "Thank you," she mouths, and he returns her smile with a tiny one of his own. They eat the rest of their meal in a comfortable silence.
He's true to his word because as soon as the episode is over and Jaya lowers the volume of the TV, he takes his plate to the kitchen and announces that he's going out and will be back soon. Jaya dismisses him with a vague flick of her hand, too busy on texting someone to pay him any attention, and Zoe watches as he grabs her hand and gives it a yank to make sure she's listening. "Okay, okay, I heard you!" she huffs exasperatedly, and Niall shoots her a wink before grabbing his keys from the hook by the door and making his way out.
Zoe follows Jaya to the kitchen to help with the washing up. Jaya smiles at her gratefully when she realizes Zoe's presence next to her, and Zoe wonders why no one's ever talked about her because she's actually kind of great. "Have you known Niall for long?" she asks as a way of making small talk, and what better way to do that than bring up someone they have in common.
Jaya shrugs. "Not really. Not as long as you have anyway." She laughs and Zoe can't help but laugh along with her. "We met through a mutual friend. He was actually looking for a place with a cheaper rent and I was looking for a roommate so. It worked out perfectly, I guess!"
Zoe hums. She thinks back to the way they bantered back and forth and how Niall's laugh was so genuine with her. "You guys are cute," she forces herself to say. She wonders if Jaya can hear how strained her voice is, how she feels like she's being strangled and she can't do anything to stop it. She keeps her eyes trained on the plate she's drying with the now damp rag because she's sure if she looks up at Jaya then she'll just give herself away.
Jaya snorts. "If you mean cute in that annoying roommate-y way then, yeah I agree. But if you mean cute in the way I think you're implying then," she shrugs, handing her another plate to dry off, "yeah, I guess we would be. You know," she gives Zoe a little nudge with her hip, "if I were into guys."
Zoe almost wants to laugh. Everything about this situation is unlike every single scenario she'd ever imagined. "What?"
Jaya is the one that actually laughs, and she passes Zoe the last plate only to playfully flick whatever water's on her hand in Zoe's face. "I actually have a girlfriend," she gets out, eyes twinkling as if she knew Zoe was going to find a way to ask her what her relationship was with Niall. "And even if I didn't, and even if I were attracted to Niall, the guy's too hung up on you to even look at another girl."
Zoe finds herself blushing again, her nerves coming back with a vengeance. "Seriously?" She's not exactly ecstatic. She knows it's not because Niall never got over her, but that he never got over the pain she caused.
Jaya catches the fall in her features immediately. "Zoe," she sighs, and it's then that Zoe wonders how much Jaya knows about her history with Niall. "You obviously love him very much if you're standing here right now. And I've spent enough time drinking with him to know that he's never stopped loving you." She places a reassuring hand over Zoe's. "So, all the things that've happened between the two of you aside, don't you think you both just deserve to be happy?"
Zoe doesn't know what to say to that so she doesn't say anything at all. She simply twirls the rag around her fingers until Jaya speaks again.
"Look, when Niall came back from that reunion thing you guys had he was—devastated? I don't know if that's the right word but he was really upset." Zoe looks up at her and is glad to see the sincerity in her eyes. Jaya doesn't strike her as the type to make up stories just because it seems like it's what the other person wants to hear. "He didn't exactly talk to me about it, but he definitely regretted something. And seeing the way he looked at you when you showed up today—maybe it was that he regretted letting you go. Again."
Zoe frowns. She's starting to feel overwhelmed again and her face is unbearably warm. "I just," she shrugs, looking down at her feet so she didn't feel the urge to cry as strongly. "I wanna make things right between us."
Jaya touches her hand again and when Zoe meets her eyes, she's smiling, and it's that genuine kind that reaches her eyes. "I really hope it works out," she says softly. Zoe almost wants to hug her. "Well," she gets out, clapping her hands together and then taking the rag from Zoe. "I've actually got to go." She turns around to grab a Tupperware container from one of the overhead cupboards and starts to place squares of lasagna in it. "I'm spending the night at my girlfriend's so you don't have to worry about me interrupting your conversation. And I don't know when I'm gonna see you again so I'm just gonna hug you now." Zoe isn't even able to get a word in before Jaya's pulling her into an embrace with the Tupperware container still in her other hand. "I like you, Zoe. I hope to see you around often!"
With that, she's gone, and Zoe's left smiling at the door when she slams it behind her. She decided that she likes Jaya too.
~
Zoe doesn't know how long Jaya's been gone but she feels like she's been pacing the length of the living room for hours. Her mind is running wild with all of the possible things she can say to start a serious conversation with Niall. But with every line she comes up with, a worst-case scenario accompanies it, and then she starts thinking of all the different ways he can turn her down.
She slumps down onto the couch. Her fingers have been trembling all morning and it's only when she sits down that she can feel the exhaustion catching up with her. There's a chill in her bones that she can't seem to shake, and she doesn't know if she's just cold or simply nervous at the prospect of finally laying the truth on the table. She thinks and thinks and thinks until her eyes close and her mind goes blank, and it doesn't even feel like she's sleeping until she jolts awake at the sound of the door slamming shut.
"Jay?" comes Niall's voice from around the corner. She can hear the rustle of bags as he drops them by the door, a grunt sounding from his throat as he bumps his foot against something. The moment stretches until Zoe can hear her blood rushing in her ears in her panic, and all of a sudden, she realizes that she still has no idea what she wants to say to him. "Where are ya?"
Zoe doesn't realize she's walking until she's rounding the corner, Niall's frame coming in full view. His back is towards her, all broad shoulders and rippling muscles, and it's only when Zoe's standing there, staring, that she realizes she has no clue what to do. He must sense her presence because he turns around slowly, bright blue eyes catching the light just as they meet hers and she swears they sparkle a little. "Oh," he breathes, and the softest of smiles dawns on his pretty face. "Hey, Zo."
Zoe feels lost in space. She doesn't know how long they stand there just looking at each other, but she feels like time's just stopped for them, everything around them blurring until it's just Zoe, Niall, and all of their unspoken feelings. She can feel them lodged in her throat, can't seem to swallow them down fast enough until they're encompassing her and propelling her feet forward. She doesn't mean to do it, but her brain isn't exactly working at the moment and Niall just looks like everything she's wanted for the past five years as he's standing in front of the door that she truly can't help what she does next.
It happens slowly, and Zoe thinks Niall sees it coming from the way he gasps softly, his eyes never leaving hers. She swears his eyes flash even brighter, and maybe that's why she does it, runs her fingertips along the hair above his jawline and then up through his hair before finally wrapping her arms around his neck. She's up on her toes before she knows it, her nose brushing against his, his hands pressing into her lower back. "Zo," he breathes out, and she opens her eyes only to see his clenched shut.
"Ni," she croaks back, and Niall starts to shake his head.
"God, don't do it." Zoe tilts her head so the tip of her nose is no longer touching his, instead trailing down the side, and if she only moved a hair closer her lips would brush against his. Niall's shoulders tense, his hand moving to her waist in such a way that it would be easier for him to move her away. "Please, don't."
His back's against the door now and he's slouching so Zoe doesn't have to stand on her toes to properly reach his lips. "Why?" she asks, and her voice sounds foreign to her own ears. She almost feels eighteen again, reckless and in love and willing to do anything to get Niall to stop pushing her away. But the way Niall whispers and holds her is different, gentler in a way he's never really been, and it makes her realize just how much they've grown up, how far they've come from feeling invincible in this unpredictable world.
Niall's breath hitches and the sound sends something surging down Zoe's spine. "Because," he whispers, swallowing thickly, "because I don't think I'd be able to push you away."
That makes Zoe freeze for a moment. She finds herself moving back a bit to get a better look at his face. She doesn't want to do anything that would make him feel uncomfortable, but the look in his eyes tells her that he's just holding back because he doesn't want to get hurt again and suddenly, she doesn't know what to say to have him doubt her intentions less. She remembers his letter, remembers how the last few lines nearly had her losing all hope. "Niall," she whispers, their proximity ensuring he'll hear her even if she mumbles. "You asked me to forget about you but—I can't. I meant what I said to you in the diner and in your driveway." She presses her forehead to his again. "I still love you."
Niall doesn't say anything for a long time; he just holds her close with his eyes shut, as if he's still trying to process everything. Zoe wonders if he can feel her heart thumping loudly in her chest because it's all she can hear rushing in her ears. "You found the letter?" he asks, and there's disbelief laced in his voice. Zoe doesn't say anything, just nods slowly as she brushes her lips against his once, twice, waiting. She doesn't want to make it seem like she's testing the waters, but she stalls to give Niall time to decide whether or not he wants to push her away.
It happens so fast that Zoe doesn't even remember having to think about it before her hands are caressing just under the hinge of his jaw as she fully presses her lips to his in a kiss that makes her feel sixteen again, with all of the uncertainty and insecurity piling up in her head enough to make it feel shy and nervous. It feels like a first kiss, like a surprise kiss, like one that's been built up on anticipation for so long that it nearly turns underwhelming really fast.
But then Niall presses his hands to the small of her back before changing his mind and wrapping his arms all the way around her waist instead, sweeping her feet right off the floor. Somehow her back is the one that ends up pressed against the wall, Niall tilting his head to get a better angle that knocks the breath out of her lungs, and suddenly, she feels eighteen again, with passion and promise coursing through her veins and zipping down her bones and making her feel so light light light that she might almost just float up into the clouds.
Niall's lips are so so so soft and his tall, lean body is so so so strong as he pulls her into him, pressing against her to pull her legs up and around his hips as she grappled for his shoulders to find some balance. There's a hand in her hair and one at the small of her back as he pushes away from the wall, feet leading him blindly away from the door, down the hall to a room, where his knees catch on the edge of his bed and Zoe's back is suddenly resting against the mattress. His lips trail to her jawline so both of them can catch a breath, creating a searing trail down the curve of her neck and across her collarbone until Zoe feels like his lips look a bit lonely so she brings them to hers again.
The kiss now is softer, gentler, and this time she makes sure five years of welled up emotion is poured into it. This kiss has all of their years catching up to them, and it pulls her back down to earth, makes her feel all of her twenty-three years telling her that she can't mess this up again, she can't afford to lose Niall again, no matter how much she wants to kiss him. "Ni—" But Niall's not done and his hands tell her as much as they hold her to him so he can roll his shoulder onto the bed. "Niall," she gets out, and she can't even recognize her voice with how low it's gone.
"Zoe," Niall whispers in response, his lips never leaving hers, and he almost sounds like he's in a dream. Zoe can hear all of the unspoken words in the crack that his voice gives, but she can't count on them being unspoken anymore.
She brings her hand to his wrist and it honestly takes every ounce of her self-control for her to try and stop this. Because she's waited five years for this—she's spent five years dreaming of being able to kiss him again, and now that she's got him, how can she possibly push him away? "Ni, wait, no—"
She doesn't know what it is about the way she sounds but Niall's shot away from her in a split second, and when she finally meets his eyes, his are widened and a bit terrified but they're the brightest and most vivid blue that she's seen in a while. "Shit," he breathes out, and she wishes that he didn't sound like he regretted kissing her, wishes that the flush that rises to the surface of her skin wasn't from humiliation and fear that she'd taken it too far before she'd even had a chance to explain herself to him. "I'm so sorry, I—"
"Niall, wait." Her hand shoots out to grab him and it catches his wrist, keeping him from slipping away, keeping him from stumbling away before they even have the chance to fix this. She looks at him pleadingly, desperately, "Not 'no' to this," she says, gesturing vaguely to the room and them. "I just—we should probably—we need to talk about it."
The entire atmosphere shifts at her words, and Zoe watches as Niall visibly freezes her off, his eyes hardening into an icier blue that tells her that she's getting the anger that he's—for the most part—been holding back during their stay at home for the reunion. He scoffs coldly, and Zoe almost wants to cry at the sound of it. "Oh are we finally doing this then? Talk about what, Zoe. About the way you left without so much as a goodbye? Or the fact that you ignored all of our phone calls right after?"
"Niall, please," she pleads, holding back tears and trying to speak through the sudden lump of emotion that's lodged in her throat. I'm not going to cry, she tells herself, because she needs to be strong so she can get through this before Niall gets too mad and kicks her out or something. She already feels like she's crossed a line. "Don't lash out at me yet. I can explain." She reaches out for him but he urges her away before she can even touch him. She sighs, looking up to blink back the traitorous tears that are already starting to well up in her eyes. "I don't even know where to start," she mutters, and it's more to herself than it is to him.
He answers anyway. "When did you decide to leave?" Zoe looks at him in near shock because the anger has all but left his voice. It's still in his eyes though, but there's something else there too, something that looks like a mix of curiosity and hurt.
Zoe takes a deep breath and she tries to exhale her anxiety but it doesn't work. "I, uhm—" she begins on a shaky breath, unable to look at Niall anymore, "I guess I first thought about it at my mom's funeral?" It's as if all the wind is knocked out of her at that point because she realizes that it's the first time she's said those words out loud ever, despite the fact that it happened five long and lonely years ago. It's never been something she expected she'd have to say—my mom's funeral—and she begins to wonder if she'll be able to get through this conversation with Niall at all.
Niall does something she doesn't expect just then. He places a comforting hand on her back, scooting down the bed so he could sit next to her on the edge, and when Zoe meets his eyes with her tear-filled ones she wonders if that was the moment that he realized that it was never really about him all along. She never left because her love for him had somehow dwindled, she left because she'd lost something that was such an integral part of her life; she left because she felt betrayed by life, death, and her mom.
She shifts her eyes to her fingers, cracking each knuckle as a futile attempt to try and pull herself together. "And," she takes a deep breath but her voice is already muddled with tears, "I overheard some man talking to Geoff, like, giving his condolences and whatever. And at the time I didn't really think much of it until I watched that same man walk over to a woman who I assumed was his wife, and," Zoe has to clench her eyes shut then because she doesn't think there's much she can do to hold off on the tears any longer. She can feel them welling up and closing around her throat and thrumming around in her chest and she feels like if she doesn't cry them all out then she'll suffocate. "And he went, 'You know what? I never even knew Lily wasn't married to Geoff and he's living with someone else entirely. With the way they were at dinner the other night you'd have thought they've been married for years.'"
"What?" Niall breathes out in disbelief, and Zoe has to cough back her sobs so she can continue.
"And obviously all of it was just absurd and I wanted to let it go but I couldn't and I went after the man to ask him about it and," she shrugged, rolling her eyes, "well, needless to say, he confirmed it."
Zoe's quiet for a long time but they both know she's not even close to being finished. She closes her eyes and swallows, summoning up the strength to plow on. Revisiting something that hurt is always painful, but Zoe didn't think it would be as difficult as it is to get her thoughts together. Niall places a hand over hers and it's cautious and unsure. Zoe doesn't dare look up at him this time. "Is that—" he sounds winded, like he jogged his way through a half marathon. "Is that why you said you left because you loved me?"
Her mind jumps back to that day of the reunion; they were all wrapped up in each other's' arms on the dance floor with their song playing in the background but Zoe was too focused on Niall to even pay attention to it. It feels like so long ago. "Yeah," she breathes, allowing Niall's fingers to interlace with hers. "I guess now that I've really been thinking about it I just said that so I wouldn't have to think about how much it affected me. It made me look at everything differently. My mom, my parents' marriage, everything they used to say about love. It all felt like a lie."
Zoe remembers something her dad said to her before she left. You're not the product of our mistakes. She thinks she understands that now.
"It was partly because of you too," she admits to him, and Niall's fingers loosen in her hand. She chances a glance at him only to see that he isn't even looking at her, eyes trained instead on their hands loosely laced together. She places her other hand on top of his, shifting on the bed so her body was facing his. "I know Geoff wasn't your dad—"
"Wasn't even my step-dad," Niall interrupts, mumbling his way through his words. Zoe can't tell what the edge in his voice is, but something about the way he's frowning tells her it's not directed towards her.
She sighs. "It's just—" she huffs, frustrated. "You were close to him and you were so upset when he left in those few weeks after the funeral that—I just felt so guilty! For no reason at all, it was like. Like, at the time it was just too much for me, dealing with the fact that my mom died and that she was having an affair with Maura's boyfriend. Everything was so fucked up."
Zoe doesn't look up at him this time but from her peripheral she can see how he shakes his head slowly, his fingers coming up to pinch the skin along the bridge of his nose. "Why didn't you tell me, Zo?" His voice gets lost somewhere between his fingers and she wishes it didn't make her feel like all of her feelings might just burst out of her.
She presses her forehead to the edge of his shoulder hoping it might make her feel a bit more grounded and less like she's falling into a never-ending pit of hopelessness. "I didn't want you to hate me." She hates how broken she sounds, hates how all of her vulnerabilities are left exposed through the cracks her voice makes. All of those thoughts go away, though, when Niall slowly brings his arm around her, holding her in a loose embrace that somehow makes up for the way she feels at the moment. "I never actually planned on running away you know." She untangles herself from him in hopes that it would make everything easier to say. "I only left for the city to go find Geoff—to find answers. Once I got up there and talked to him I planned on calling my dad to come and pick me up."
She remembers the day like it was just a few days ago, the way she found Geoff's address from a letter on Maura's kitchen table, the way she took her savings and caught a cab to the city to find him. She remembers the indifference in his eyes when she demanded answers, remembers thinking that this cold man is not the Geoff she'd grown to know, the Geoff that meant so much to Niall.
"But—he was so apathetic to the whole situation. He made it seem like my mom was the bad person." The waves of memories that she'd been pushing to the back of her mind for five years come crashing over her in intervals of a few seconds, and she feels drained and so inexplicably hurt. "And when I walked out of his place, I remembered thinking—I can't go back home and tell you everything. I don't know what it was but I figured it was better if you hated me if you thought I ran away from our relationship than if you hated me because Geoff left your mom because he had an affair with mine."
She finds herself pressing her hands to her eyes in an attempt to stop the tears that will come rolling down any minute, the sobs already choking her as they lodge themselves at the back of her throat. It feels like too much all at once simply because she's suppressed all of it for so long. She almost feels like she's going crazy. "Zo," Niall starts, "that's not—"
He trails off when a sob manages to escape through her mouth, and Zoe curls into herself even tighter. "It wouldn't have been this hard if you just hated me," she gets out, her voice heavy with all the tears she's been holding back. "If you'd just thrown the milkshake over my head that night, if you didn't hold me in that parking lot and if you didn't dance at me at the stupid reunion." Niall's hands are on her wrist in a second as he tries to pull them away from her face, but she doesn't let up. "If you just hated me and if Maura hated me and we weren't pushed together that night and everything would've been fine."
Niall is successful in prying her hands away and he pulls and pulls until she's facing him again. "But it wouldn't have been right." He pushes away the hair that's fallen into her face and tilts her chin upwards. "Remember when you asked me if I believed in fate?" Another sob rattles through her as a response and Niall holds her face up and presses his forehead to hers. "This is fate, Zo," he whispers. "You were meant to come back."
Time feels like it's whirring around them and Zoe feels dizzy. She doesn't dare open her mouth because she's afraid that instead of words, sobs will just leak out.
"Zo, you're my heart and my soul," Niall starts, his voice gravelly and raspy around the edges but filled with a softness that nestles in her chest and expands out into the rest of her. "You're everything to me, honest to god. These past five years," his voice breaks, "only I know how I've spent it. I was empty." There's a glimmer in his bright blue eyes unlike any that she's seen before. It's honest and raw and a sort of guilt settles in her veins at the sight of it. "And you were the only person who completed me."
Zoe doesn't realize she's really crying until Niall's fingers are brushing away the trails of moisture falling down her cheeks. He's perfect, she thinks with an ache in her chest, and she's so completely unworthy of him. "I hate myself so much," she gets out in a hushed whisper, voice raw with emotion. "I hate myself for breaking your heart, for hurting you. You deserve so much better than someone like me."
Niall laughs wetly and shakes his head against her forehead. "You still don't get it, do you?" She can't remember closing her eyes, but when she opens them he's smiling at her, the glint in his eyes flashing brighter. "You're it for me, Zo. You're everything I want." He's cradling her face with both of his hands, lips brushing against hers with every word that comes out of his mouth, and the moment is so intimate and hushed that she almost wants time to stand still for them. "And I don't really know what I deserve, but every single part of me wants it to be you."
Zoe chokes a bit on a sob but it ends up trailing off into a laugh. It's as if this moment's pulled straight out of one of her dreams and she's half expecting to blink and wake up in her lonely New York City apartment's cold bed, the warmth of Niall no longer on her skin. "I love you," she gets out, and she can't help the way she barrels into him, her arms wrapping around his neck to hold him close, because now that she has him, she doesn't want to let him go again. His response is immediate, his arms winding around her middle as he pulls her even closer, and the warmth that surges through her at the contact makes up for five years of iciness. "I missed you so much."
Niall pushes the hair that's sticking to Zoe's face behind her ear and presses a tender kiss to her forehead, lips lingering on her skin as he says, "I love you too, sunshine," and suddenly the world really does stop spinning around them for a split second. "I love you too."
Zoe's crying and Niall's crying too and they're holding each other as if they're one another's anchors in the torrent that's their lives. Zoe almost can't believe her ears. She finds herself clutching onto him, like if she lets go then he'll disappear and she'll lose him forever. She can feel the emotion welling up inside her and a part of her is still holding back, a fear running wild inside her chest that's telling her that maybe he's just messing with her. Maybe he just wants revenge because she hurt him so badly and it's only fair if he does the same. But deep down, she knows her Niall isn't like that, he doesn't believe in an eye for an eye. Still, she can't help but voice her fear aloud. "Then why did you ask me to forget about you?"
Her voice is wrecked, breathy and cracking through all of the emotion that's lodged in her throat. There are tears running down her cheeks, her heart thumping loudly against her rib cage, blood rushing in waves against her eardrums. She's terrified of his answer. But Niall—sweet, wonderful Niall—sighs and looks at her so that she can see five years of torturous heartbreak in his bright blue eyes. And he should hate her, he really should. Zoe expects him to hate her. But instead, he caresses her cheeks with his warm hands and searches for something in her glassy eyes before he simply says, "Zo, you ran away. I thought," he shrugs, and something about it has her chest aching, "I thought you didn't love me anymore." And Zoe can feel her heart breaking all over again.
She doesn't mean for it to happen but she can't help the way her feelings burst out of her in a tsunami of hurt and anger and regret, all of which are directed at herself. Niall may not hate her but she hates herself for hurting him and for putting them in this position because he deserves the world and she wants him to be her world. "That's not true!" she exclaims, and she wants it to sound a little affronted, but instead it sounds wrecked and raw. "That's not true." Zoe's sobbing so hard that she can't breathe, and she can feel five years of everything she's held back pouring out of her.
"I know." Niall's brushing back her hair and trying to wipe away her tears and he's being so utterly wonderful and perfect and it makes Zoe cry that much harder. Because even after everything he's said, she still feels like she doesn't deserve him. "I know."
"You're all I thought about for five years. You're all I want." Her voice is as good as useless with the way the sobs are rattling out of her and she's basically whispering as she holds his hands and clutches him for dear life. Because she feels like no matter how much she cries or pleads or tries to convince him of how much he means to her, there's always going to be that shred of doubt planted in the back of his mind, a feeling that she can always break his heart again, and she doesn't know how to assure him that she's in this for the long run.
"Zo," he chokes out, and the way his voice wavers has her clenching her eyes shut in an attempt to hold back more tears at how absolutely gut-wrenching it sounds. He presses his forehead against hers and his skin is warm as he pulls her a little more into his space. His fingers are desperately trying to get rid of the tears streaming her cheeks but Zoe can't stop crying long enough for him to be successful. "Please stop crying, Zo, please."
Zoe presses her fingers against her lips to suppress another round of sobs but they rattle though her soundlessly anyway, her shoulders shaking with them and her heart feeling like it could beat right out of her chest. She hiccups through her breathing, sniffling and trying to pull herself together but she can't. "I love you," she tries to say, but it's barely a whisper, and she's glad Niall is looking at her otherwise he might not have caught it. Still, she tries again until she can push through her hoarse voice with a deep breath. "I love you." It's still a whisper, but it's a much louder one, and she's shaking her head through her sharp intakes of breath in her effort to stop crying, her forehead falling onto Niall's shoulder in an attempt to feel a little more grounded. "Please believe me. Please believe me."
Niall's arms tighten around her immediately but he lets her sob into his embrace for only a few moments before he's releasing her, his hands curling around her arms to give her a little shake so she'll stop crying long enough to look up at him. "Zoe," he gets out, "stop crying." And it sounds a little harsh at first, but Zoe looks up only to find his blue eyes glassed over with hurt, enough moisture collecting just under his lashes for it to fall down his cheek as a tear. Instinctively, Zoe reaches up to wipe it away, choking back another sob through it all, and Niall's fingers tighten around her arms, letting out a shaky sigh before speaking again. "Why did you come here?"
Zoe looks up at him in confusion, composing herself enough to sputter out an answer. "F-for a second chance," she says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and in her mind, it is.
Niall's eyes soften a little, the corner of his lips quirking up the tiniest bit and Zoe wishes he'd let himself smile fully. "And why do you want a second chance, Zoe?"
She understands what he's doing then, because it's a trick he's used with her in the past. She's always been guilty of beating around the bush and all Niall really wants her to do is get to the point. Because I love you, she thinks, and it seems like the easiest answer, but Zoe knows it's not what Niall wants. "Because I fucked up and I hurt you, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I didn't at least try to fix this. I want to see you happy." She runs a finger over the creases above his brows, hoping he has it in him to give them another shot. "But I wanna be the one to make you happy."
Her voice cracks by the time she's done talking but Niall doesn't seem to notice. Instead, he brings a hand up to smooth across her cheek and Zoe finds herself reaching up to grip his wrist to hold him close. "Yeah?" he breathes out, and something in his eyes glimmer.
"Yeah." Zoe tries to gulp down the emotion that feels like it's lodged in her throat as she nods fervently against his hand. Silence falls over them for a moment, and she has half a mind to lean in and kiss him but she doesn't want to make any rash decisions that would scare him away. She takes a deep breath and it feels like the first real one she's taken in a while. "Niall." She takes both of his hands in hers, searching his eyes for any sign that says he's not into her enough to give it a go but finds nothing. Instead, she watches as his lips slowly start quirking upwards, eyes starting to sparkle again. "Will you please give me another chance to make things right? Will you give us another chance?"
"Of course," he says, pressing his lips to her forehead, her nose, the corner of her mouth. "Of course."
And it's only then that Zoe feels some semblance of calm. Niall smiles against her skin, and it feels like a beginning.
~
Zoe didn't realize when she'd fallen asleep, but when she opens her eyes she finds Niall smiling at her.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" she groans, covering her face with the hand that's not tucked under the pillow to hide her blush from him.
It doesn't work. He's quick to pull her hand away, his fingers trailing down her hairline to push back the flyaway strands as he settles down onto the pillow. The couch is small but it appears as though they've managed to make it work because Zoe feels comfortable in a way that she hasn't felt in a long, long time. "I had to make sure I wasn't dreaming any of this up."
She didn't think it was possible but her skin flushes even more, the heat spreading down to her neck. "Well, you weren't."
Once Zoe'd managed to pull herself together, they'd talked about everything for hours, as they fixed up Niall's bed, as they put away the forgotten groceries that he'd brought, as they lounged on the couch with TV on low volume.
She understands where Niall's coming from; it all nearly feels like a dream. And she feels like crap for having to bring them back to reality for a moment. "I hate to do this," she starts, fingers running over the hem of his t-shirt collar. "But I'm gonna have to go soon. I have work in the morning."
Something close to a whine sounds in Niall's throat, and he pulls her into him even closer, his legs shifting so one of hers is slotted between his, locking them together. "Are you serious?"
She huffs out a laugh, tilting her head up to look at him apologetically. "Yeah this wasn't very well planned on my part." She tries to shrug but can't with the way she's pressed against him. "To be honest coming down here wasn't really planned either."
Niall shakes his head. "Typical," he mutters, but it's good natured and it makes her smile. "Just stay like ten more minutes." A pause, and then, "Or maybe twenty."
"Fifteen," she asserts, "no more, no less."
Niall's giggle flutters around in his chest and vibrates against her ear. He shifts again so he can look at her properly. "I just got you back, Zo," he murmurs against her nose, and Zoe closes her eyes, lets the sound of his voice wash over her. "Can't let you go that easy."
His words are meant as a joke but there's something that feels heavy about it. She doesn't say anything, though, doesn't want to feel sad right now, or worse, start crying again. She's done with tears now. "Can't get rid of me this time."
They stay wrapped up in each other until it's time for Zoe to go and Niall huffs and puffs until he finally lets her grab her jacket, which has been drying on one of Jaya's portable heaters, and walks downstairs with her. He holds her hand as they walk down the street to her car, and Zoe finds herself leaning into him on the way. She knew this moment would be tough but she didn't think parting from him now that's she's finally got him back would make her chest ache like this.
"Before you go," Niall says, stopping in his tracks to tug on her arm so she'd face him. "I just—I wanna say I'm sorry. For everything." The clouds in the sky obstruct any view of the stars tonight, but Zoe thinks it doesn't even matter when Niall's bright blue eyes sparkle like they do. "I was being really selfish and I couldn't see how much you were hurting too." He squeezes her hand as if he's trying to emphasize how sorry he is and Zoe can't help the way her chest feels so full it might burst.
She tugs him along and they continue walking down the block. "It's fine." She shrugs. "Let's just put all of it behind us and move on, okay?"
Niall hums in agreement. "Okay but before we do that I have to say I'm sorry for spilling that milkshake in your lap that night too. I really don't know what came over me."
Their laughter echoes all throughout the block just then. Zoe forgot how it felt to be this happy.
When they get to her car, they pause. Zoe doesn't feel like stretching out this goodbye because it's hard enough already, but Niall has other plans, tugging on her hand again to pull her into his chest. "Wait," he breathes out, his hand smoothing down her back as his other one comes up to tuck a few strands of her hair behind her ear. "When can I see you again?"
Zoe hates how small he sounds, hates how terrified he looks. She presses a hand right over where his heart is, her other one caressing the skin under his jawline. "Whenever you want," she murmurs, leaning so close that her nose bumps against his. "I guess it would have to be soon since I have to return your clothes."
Niall laughs softly, and the moment feels so intimate that Zoe can't bring herself to pull away. "Well the sweats are Jaya's and she'd want them back asap," he jokes back. His smile softens then, fingers swirling circles into her back. "Tomorrow?" he asks sweetly, and the hope in his voice has her grinning from ear to ear.
"I work 'til four so," she traces the line of his jaw with a finger, "any time after then." Niall's smile is so wide that she nearly wonders if his cheeks hurt from it. He leans into her but when his lips brush against hers she stops him with soft nudge to his chest. "Ni, we should take this slow. The last thing I want is to mess this up again."
Niall sighs. He seems to think it over for a few moments before he goes, "Fine but can we start slow after I kiss you right now."
And Zoe can't exactly say no to that. She laughs against his lips, and when he kisses the sound away, it feels right. It feels like home.
Zoe gets into her car that night with a smile on her face. This feels like closure, but it also feels like a promise of something incredible and honest and real.
It feels like the beginning of a new chapter.