TW // PANIC ATTACKS.
It was nearing midnight and a girl of eternal sunshine and beautiful winter was wide awake while the entire world slept on. On her rumpled covers were blots of tears beside clenched fists. Her chest was constricted, her breaths coming out of ragged pants. Never wanting her mother to be awake, she tried decreasing the noise of her sobs.
It was one of those days where her entire being was drowning in an abysmal melancholy that she had no choice but to be submerged further down into her chaotic mindset. With all her efforts, she tried freeing herself from the shackles and chains that made her sink down like peridotite but the more time she remained underwater, the more time her thoughts plague her unconscious. It was always like this every other day and yet she never knew how it triggered itself. Her day had been alright, nothing had set her off and throughout the entire afternoon, she had been bottling up her tears and sobs. It was such a relief to know that there wasn't any afternoon practice for the volleyball club so she immediately dashed to the train station, feeling so caved in.
It was exhausting.
All of it is exhausting — her trying her best and yet all of it was never enough in the eyes of others, her fitting herself in different circles until she couldn't distinguish who she was anymore, her shouldering the amount of workload their teacher placed on their already towering pile, and her never knowing where she will place herself in a few years. It felt like a ticking bomb in her chest, ready to explode with all of the raging emotions she kept to herself — the misery, envy, loathing, and condemning. She wanted to seclude herself or let herself be surrounded with nothing but miles and miles of emptiness and just yell her heart out, to unload everything and unleash herself from her makeshift birdcage.
Her breathing exercises never work.
They had never worked since day one.
Her own safe space, she tried envisioning it. But the more she strained and drilled her mind into picturing it, she always ended up painting something blank in her head right when she needed it the most. She desperately fought hard against the restraints holding her down, only to find nothing of the tendrils of lavender and coffee and the worn-out books and the night sky that she always found comforting. She wanted herself to laugh freely, to be happier tomorrow, and to assure herself that there are better days ahead. But how could she experience that when she always blamed herself, when she never even loved herself?
The tears never stop flowing, likened to the raining petals on a spring day or the harsh patter of raindrops during a thunderstorm. They never stop flowing as the clock's hands overlap.
The world stayed still to welcome another day.
It was finally midnight.
Looking out from the window of the bus leading her to the station the volleyball club agreed to meet upon, Yukimi blew out a breath from beneath the collar of her scarlet jacket. The short-haired girl has always possessed a penchant for midnights for it brings a promise of a new day but there was always something about the first crack of dawn that deeply moved her. Believed to be inclined to the vastness of the bleak dark sky, Yukimi was still left speechless every time the sun would cast its luminous arches of light, painting the sky a profusion of bright tangerines and mellow carnations pinks. How could she even forget the plushness of the cotton candy clouds casting over the city while the sun peeked its first 'hello'? With her small travel bag on the empty seat beside her, Yukimi squinted as the dawn reflected itself on the many glass panes of the towering buildings of the city.
Noticing the buildings thinning as the bus moved along the highway, Yukimi carefully stood up from her seat to push the stop button. Feeling the vehicle's engine stop, the short girl thanked the driver and went down the steps and to the gravel of the wide pathway leading to the brick-red building of Tokyo Station. Placing her bag higher on her shoulder, Yukimi trekked the crosswalk and entered the huge building.
It wasn't a great surprise when she witnessed that the station was already brimming with tourists and commuters so early in the morning. But the fact that the throng of people never thinned made Yukimi stand on the tips of her toes to catch a glimpse of the scarlet tracksuits of the Nekoma volleyball team. As she was huffing under her breath and silently cursing her short stature, Yukimi felt a hand on top of her head. Feeling a chill drop on her body, she turned to tell the person behind her to stop touching her head when she was met with the grin of Kuroo.
With half-lidded eyes and messy hair, the volleyball captain was a sight for sore eyes, the proof being the whispering girls their age pointing at him with blushes on their faces. Despite the fact that the tracksuits that they don are a bright red for such an early hour, he managed to make it look decent enough that Yukimi nearly complimented him for it.
"Good morning, Kazahana," he greeted. "Well, look at you, never knew that our club's tracksuit fit you well. You're now officially our manager!"
Yukimi laughed while shaking her head. "Good morning to you, too, Kuroo-san," she replied, then turning to the shorter boy behind Kuroo, who was looking on the ground, the hood of his jacket obscuring his chin. "Good morning, Kenma-san."
Kenma subtly perked up when Yukimi called him by his given name but schooled his expression into a blank one as his gold eyes remained unblinkingly on the floor. "Good morning, Yukimi-san," he replied quietly, his eyes darting from side-to-side. The setter was beyond nervous to let Kuroo hear him and Yukimi calling each other by their first names, seeing as their captain harbored romantic feelings for the girl for nearly three years. Actually, it was him who suggested to let the third-year manager call him by his name, thinking that 'Kozume' is too formal. The truth is, he thought the girl was looking rather sad yesterday so he immediately stood by her side to tell her that Kenma is fine by him.
He couldn't forget the glassy eyes that looked at him yesterday afternoon.
"Wha—What?" Kuroo exclaimed, looking back and forth between his two friends. This is what Kenma has been trying to avoid. "You're on a first-name basis now and you never told me?"
"I call Taketora-san by his first name, too."
"Ahck," Kuroo choked. "That runt, too? Kazahana, why don't you call me Tetsurou, huh? That way everyone's happy."
"More like you're happy."
"Shut it, Kenma."
The short-haired girl let out a laugh as he clapped softly to catch their attention. "Come on, let's buy our tickets," she told them and gently pulled on the sleeves of their jackets, directing them to a nearby ticket machine. "Oh, and by the way, Kuroo-san, I'd like to keep calling you by your last name. It suits you more." She grinned at him, which left him astounded in the middle of the platform, making Kenma annoyed at the delay.
"Alright," Kuroo stuttered. "Just drop the honorific, it makes me sound like an old man."
"Then call me whatever you'd like, it doesn't matter to me."
"Okay," he mumbled, staring straight in her eyes. "Hana it is, then."
Yukimi slowly widened her eyes with her lips slightly parted in shock as she felt her heart skip a beat at Kuroo's declaration.
Turning her attention to the ticket machine in front of her while squirming at the taller boy's gaze, Yukimi chose to focus her attention on the words written on the machine's screen. The glint in Kuroo's eyes at the moment is something that puzzled her for she was always subjected to his stares since they were first-years. He could be thinking that she never looked his way while he was casting his golden eyes on her but there are moments where both of them would be caught in a tangle of gazes because she chose to look at him as well.
While the two boys waited at the side as she purchased the volleyball club's tickets, Yukimi calmly reminded herself that she shouldn't be affected by Kuroo. Finally availing all the tickets, she roamed her eyes around the station, spotting the rest of the volleyball team all clad in the vibrant red tracksuit, which apparently caught the attention of some of the people in the building. How could she not miss the rest of the club when Taketora was waving enthusiastically at her from across the platform ( with Yaku joining him but in a more reserved manner since they were in a public place )? Kenma, who also took notice of the coaches and club members heading their way, stood beside their smiling manager.
"They're so loud," Kenma murmured, making Yukimi laugh softly.
"I guess it's a normal morning, then," she simpered, eyes fondly following the club members.
"Took you long enough," Kuroo shouted once the group reached them. He quickly bowed when Nekomata and Naoi stood in front of him. "Good morning, Coach Nekomata, Coach Naoi. Our reliable manager just purchased our tickets so," he fixed his attention to his teammates, "please don't cause a ruckus while she's distributing them. Don't taint our school's name."
"Osu!"
With their tickets clutched in their hands, the volleyball team started making their way towards the Tohoku Shinkansen for boarding. While the rest of the team looked calm and collected, Taketora looked around the sleek architectural design of the station, commenting his observations on the inside contrasting the building's bricked façade. He shouted in awe, "This is my first time on the Shinkansen!"
Yukimi chuckled at the second year's expression mimicking that of a puppy as he looked around the station. Right when she was about to tell Taketora to keep his voice down, Yaku intervened with an incredulous tone, "Seriously? You sure you're not a country bumpkin, Taketora? We're not even in the countryside yet."
Taketora gaped at the rest of his team. "Y—You've all ridden it before?" He sounded so betrayed that he turned to the only person who could save him at the moment. "Kirei-senpai, you've ridden it, too?"
"Unfortunately, yes, Taketora-san," she told him with an apologetic smile.
"I think it's rather normal to ride the Shinkansen, Taketora," Kai told him. This was followed by a chorus of answers saying that they have ridden it once or twice in their life, making Taketora on the verge of sulking.
Yaku placed a hand under his chin. "Still, I've never been to Miyagi before," he stated. "I wonder where Karasuno is. I only know about Sendai." As if lightning struck the libero, he turned to Yukimi who was walking beside Kuroo with a small smile. "Hey, Yuki-chan," he called her by her nickname ( which also started yesterday when he heard Kenma, Taketora, and Yukimi calling each other by their first names ), "you're from Miyagi, right?" Yukimi gave him a nod. "What's Karasuno like?"
"I've never been there as well," she answered. "I came from Izumitate which is just a town away from Karasuno. Though from what my friend told me, Karasuno's just like any regular town, the only thing is that it's located deep in the countryside. You'll do fine there, think of it as a getaway from the city once in a while."
"Oi," Kuroo called out, narrowing his eyes at Taketora and the first-years for continuing their excited chatters about the practice games. "Settle down and keep walking. We ain't in school, you know? Seriously, these guys." He then looked down on the girl beside him, nodding to her bag as he spoke. "Let me carry that for you."
Yukimi hummed. "It's alright, it's not that heavy anyway," she answered with a smile. "I pack lightly every time there's a trip, Kuroo."
"Still," he huffed, reaching over her shoulder to take the strap and placing it on top of his vacant shoulder. "We don't want our manager to exert too much effort, am I right?" He gave her a grin which Yukimi couldn't help but reciprocate. "Oh, and sit with me and Kenma."
And she did just that as the city-scape transitioned into lush pastures.
There's nothing more beautiful than inhaling the countryside air of Miyagi. As much as Yukimi loved Tokyo for being her second home, Miyagi's pollution-free air will always calm her nerves. As the Nekoma volleyball group walked on the streets of Karasuno, Yukimi was perfectly fine of being behind the rest of the team, matching the pace of the two coaches. From the harsh heat, the short girl decided to take off her jacket and tie half of her hair up, some strands falling over her forehead.
She couldn't help but reminisce some of her time in Miyagi.
Growing up in an art-inclined household, her life was always surrounded by framed paintings and vibrant colors, with her father being a major in art restoration. Her mother, however, took it upon herself to teach Yukimi the way around numbers with her being a mathematics major when she was in university. With both parents helping her through her academics, Yukimi grew up to be a timid girl, never going out unless it would be deemed necessary. The only time she ever stepped foot outside of their house would be to visit her father in Sendai's Miyagi Museum of Art. So it was a great surprise to her parents when she was seen laughing with one of the neighborhood children. Their precious little girl who probably never smiled around strangers was smiling so widely at a little boy clutching a volleyball.
It was then and there that Yukimi found her childhood best friend.
Sawamura Daichi.
The one who was responsible for letting her break from her shell step-by-step. The one who was responsible for making her the bubbly person she is at the moment. The one responsible for making her feel special and loved when the whole world turned away from her for being too shy and timid. The one responsible for bringing her strength back when her father got into an accident and never came back. Daichi was the shoulder she always cried on when a guy she likes insults her reservedness and he was always her rock throughout middle school. Despite knowing that his schedule was hectic with his practices in his volleyball club, the strong-headed boy will always show up just in time for her quiz bees and singing recitals. And despite knowing that she was also busy in her own way, she will always give her moral support to him in his volleyball matches, even making some banners to catch his attention and to boost his self-esteem.
And when Yukimi's mother announced that they have to move to Tokyo, to the house that she inherited from Yukimi's grandparents, she realized she had to tell Daichi. At that time, Izumitate Junior High was eliminated from the Junior High Volleyball Tournament and Yukimi nearly took a step back from telling her friend that she will be miles away from him in the future.
It was the first time she had seen Daichi cry.
Yukimi nearly begged her mother to stay in Miyagi but Natsumi already made up her mind, the company's she's applying in Miyagi recommended her to another branch in Tokyo, thus, the reason for their move. And with that, Yukimi spiraled into a well of loneliness that nearly swallowed her whole but Daichi's words kept her going.
"Show them the beautiful smile you've always had, Yuki-chan, and face your problems head-on. And if you ever feel sad, remember, we will always meet again in the future."
And just days away, they will be.
"Huh, where's Kenma?" Taketora asked with furrowed eyebrows. This caused Yukimi to perk up and to also look around the surroundings as the volleyball team shouted Kenma's name. There were alleyways everywhere, and Yukimi chose to believe that Kenma couldn't have gotten far. "I swear, if he's lost right before our practice match, I'm gonna teach that little guy a lesson," Taketora grumbled under his breath.
Yukimi sighed. "I'm going to find him, coach," she said to Nekomata, who nodded his approval. She then turned to the others. "You guys go on ahead to Tsukinokizawa High School, I'll bring our runaway setter in no time. Is it okay to leave my things, Yaku?" She received a frantic nod as the libero took hold of her bag and jacket.
"I'll go with you," Kuroo called out from in front of the group, giving his things as well to Kai. "We don't want two members of the club to be lost in one day now." He grinned, looking expectantly at the two coaches. Nekomata only smiled right away while Naoi reminded him to never be late because time is of the essence and that it would be a bad first impression to show up late for the practice match. "Alright, come on, Hana, let's go find Kenma."
"Be careful, kirei-senpai!" Taketora shouted, sputtering right after when Yaku slapped him on the back of his head for being too loud.
Yukimi only waved at them and the two third-years then walked in the opposite direction. As the two fell into a walk to find to their setter, Yukimi relished the silence and tried shrouding herself to the chirping of the birds and the cicadas while they walked.
After her breakdown a few nights before, Yukimi was seen to be sluggishly moving the day before their trip to Miyagi. Her mother expressed her concern as she took note of the sunken and swollen eyes Yukimi donned after waking up. Deciding it best to drop the subject, Natsumi only cooked her daughter's breakfast in an attempt to cheer her up but to no avail as Yukimi left behind the banana milk she always sipped on every morning. It was the first time Yukimi felt so tired at the thought of school and everybody noticed how their sunshine classmate had a frown on her face. Volleyball practice didn't help in lifting up her mood as she bit her lip to prevent the tears from falling down, keeping her voice calm as she instructed everyone to start their serving drills. But as Kenma placed himself beside her and asked if she was okay, she felt the tears build up.
The poor second-year didn't know what to do but tell her to start calling him by his first name and that they were friends so she can tell them what she feels. And before she knew it, Taketora also shouted gleefully from across the gymnasium to call him by his first name as well.
"Hey."
Yukimi snapped out of her trance as she looked up at the concerned eyes of Kuroo. She didn't even notice that he took off his jacket as she scanned him in a black shirt that fit him really well. Again, she nearly complimented him that he cleaned up nice but quickly swallowed the words down her throat. Knowing Kuroo, he'd probably let this get into his head.
"You've been spacing out," he told her in a quiet voice, his words glazed with a hint of care. "Even yesterday and on the train ride, you look so tired. What happened?"
She looked away and fiddled with her fingers. "I just feel down, that's all," she answered in nonchalance. "Thank you for your concern, Kuroo."
"I'll always be concerned for you," he replied, eyes widening at the declaration. "Uhm — since you're an important asset of the team."
Kuroo kept quiet for a moment, staring ahead as they continued their walk. He desperately wanted to approach her yesterday when she arrived in the classroom with red-rimmed eyes that looked so dull that Kuroo questioned if that was really the Yukimi he had known all those years. He was ready for her to break in the classroom and to excuse the two of them and find a safe space for her to tell him what happened but Yukimi only looked down on her desk. Come the volleyball practice and Kuroo didn't have the opportunity to talk to her because Coach Naoi told them to perfect their serves before the practice matches the next day. He was extremely grateful for Kenma for being there for her. He could see her unshed tears from the other side of the gym.
"You know, you're special to us," Kuroo's voice broke the silence. "And if you ever feel that you're not enough, we're here to remind you that you are more than what you believed yourself to be. Heck, Kenma talked to you and you know that that guy never talks to girls unless it's necessary." He saw Yukimi's lips twitch in a small smile, making him grin. He contemplated saying the next words but he huffed and decided to tell her, "And you're more beautiful when you smile so keep doing that."
Once again, Yukimi felt her heart skip a beat as Kuroo looked away, hiding his face from her shocked eyes.
It wasn't the first time Kuroo complimented her and it wasn't the first time she was always left speechless because of it, but the question that's bugging her was 'Why?'. Feeling her face burn, she lifted her eyes to the front, only to see a familiar figure hunched beside a fence with a ginger-haired boy standing not too far away from him.
"I think our setter made a friend."
Meanwhile, a few minutes earlier, Kenma looked around only to find himself with unfamiliar surroundings. This wasn't Tokyo and yet why did he follow that cat? He knew this would happen but the stretching feline beckoned him to follow it through alleyways until he reached a winding-down path.
Looking down at the cat with narrowed eyes, he muttered, "This is all your fault." Fishing out the phone from the pocket of his bag, Kenma sat down on the empty space by a metal fence. "This is so troublesome." He scrolled through his contacts to try to send a message but he couldn't find Yukimi's name. Well, he never asked her for her number and it was such a mistake not to since she's the only person he relied on to find him.
"What're you doing?" A voice called out, making him jump and nearly dropping his phone.
Kenma turned around and was met with an orange-haired boy around his age bouncing his way towards him. He seems friendly enough, he thought as the boy stopped in front of him. He looked down, embarrassed at his situation, and mumbled, "Erm, I got lost?" He exited the contacts lists and opened a game to pass the time, he didn't even have the drive to contact Kuroo and the rest of the team.
"Eh?" the orange-haired boy asked. "You came here from a different part of Japan?" He tilted his head as punctuation to his curious question because the bright color of the other boy's tracksuit couldn't be from around their region.
Kenma straightened in his seat as he answered with a quiet 'yeah', shrouding the two boys in a blanket of silence. He kept on playing on his phone when the boy crouched beside him to look at the game he was playing.
"Is that thing fun?" the energetic boy asked, gesturing to his game.
He looked back-and-forth between his phone and to the eager brown eyes of the ginger. "Ah, this?" he said. "Not really. It's just a way to kill time before our manager finds me." To be honest, he never contacted anyone and he just assumed Yukimi would find him. There were a few seconds of silence until the ginger beside him erupted in a shout of excitement, pointing at his opened bag. Why did he forget to close it?
"You play volleyball?!" the boy exclaimed with a shine in his eyes, making Kenma look up at him in surprise. "Those shoes, they're for volleyball, aren't they?!" Kenma could only get out a nod before the boy continued. "I'm in a volleyball club, too! I'm Hinata Shoyo."
Kenma looked at him for a few seconds before contemplating giving him his name. After a few minutes, he muttered, "Kozume."
"Kozume?" Hinata asked, leaning forward in curiosity. "Is that your name?"
"Kozume," Kenma repeated, his eyes trained on the ground. "Kenma."
Hinata brightened. "So your name's Kenma! Are you in high school?" Getting a small 'yeah' for a reply, Hinata continued. "What year?! I'm a first-year!"
"Second."
"Crap!" Hinata cursed. Daichi would flay him if he ever showed disrespect to a senior. Realizing his mistake, he froze. "You're an upperclassman. I'm sorry!"
This surprised Kenma, again. "Don't worry," he reassured. "I don't like stuff like that, that sort of sports hierarchy."
Hinata scratched his head. "Ah, is that so?" Feeling the silence start again, the orange-haired boy pursed his lips. "Uhm, do you like volleyball?"
"Not particularly," Kenma replied, still fiddling with his phone. "I don't dislike it but I kind of just do it. I don't like getting worn out or any of that. But my friends play and they probably have a hard time playing without me."
The orange-haired boy hummed in response, leaning his back on the fence beside Kenma. "I think you'd have more fun if you came to like it, though."
"It's fine," he sighed. "It's only for the duration of high school anyway."
Hinata nodded, fixing his gaze at Kenma's dyed hair. "What position do you play?"
Kenma hummed. "Setter."
Hinata perked up. "Really?!" he exclaimed. "You're a little different from our setter. Our setter is a little more," he then mimicked a motion that a monster could do, "intense! He gives off a 'grrrr' feeling!" He straightened himself and now imitated someone blocking. "By the way, I'm a middle blocker!"
Kenma's eyes slowly widened. This short boy is a middle blocker? Now that's something you don't see every day.
"It's a little weird, don't you think?" Hinata asked him with a sheepish expression. "Middle blocker is a position suited for tall guys, after all."
The setter could only gape at the orange-haired boy. "I guess," he answered. "But I don't think like that at all. When I go to matches, they say that a lot about me, too." He looked down again on his phone. "They say: 'the setter is a position for people with the highest level of agility, so why is this guy in that spot?' And stuff like that. Sports aren't exactly my forte, either."
Hinata looked at him with wide eyes. "Is your school strong?" he asked.
"I wonder," he uttered. "Apparently, I heard our school was strong in the past but we went into decline at one point. Recently, though, I think we're strong." His golden eyes then bore into Hinata, shocking the orange-haired boy.
Hinata furrowed his eyebrows. "Hey," he muttered. "Which school do you—"
"Kenma-san!"
"Kenma!"
A melodious and a booming voice echoed through the empty street. Hinata looked over to the direction of the voices and was met with two people looking at Kenma. The orange-haired boy felt his jaw drop at the sight of the girl. With her short hair, long eyelashes, and dainty lips, the girl could be the manager Kenma mentioned earlier. The girl is a beauty like Karasuno's own manager. Her brown eyes then shifted to him which made him blush as she blinked at the sight of an unfamiliar person. The boy beside her was rather handsome as well, with his hair covering the right side of his face, opting for a messy look. His half-lidded eyes narrowed at Kenma, who looked down. Hinata noticed the boy's hand on the girl's back.
"Ah, Yukimi-san, Kuroo," Kenma mumbled as he stood up, making his way to the pair. He immediately turned around, making his hair flutter in the wind. "Until next time, Shoyo."
"Don't go wandering wherever you like," the tall boy reprimanded him. "You made Hana worry here."
"It's fine, Kuroo," the pretty girl told him. "Let me take that bag for you, Kenma-san."
"Sorry," Kenma said to the boy named Kuroo, then turned to the girl. "Yukimi-san, I can carry this on my own. I didn't have your number so I just waited for you to find me."
"I'll give it to you later," Yukimi replied, giving Kenma a smile. "Come on, the others are waiting for us. I'm glad you're safe, Kenma-san."
"We're strangers to this place," Kuroo told him. "You have to be careful."
Hinata watched the three of them walk away from him. The orange-haired middle blocker had a feeling they will probably meet much sooner than he thought.
HOLY FCK, THIS CHAPTER IS NEARLY 5K WORDS AND TOOK A LOT LONGER FOR ME TO FABRICATE. WE'RE NOW IN THE CANON STORYLINE Y'ALL. TO ALL THOSE WHO CHOSE TO READ THIS FIC, I'M DEEPLY THANKFUL AND I HOPE YOU HAVE GOOD DAYS AHEAD! ADIEU.