Okay Clarisse, BREATHE. Take a breath. BREATHE.
Welp. Shit. Shit damn fuck. Shit damn fuck HELL. I'm here, sitting in Abel Harkin's big old giant black pick up truck, hands gripping the jacket on my lap like a life raft as I'm nearly drowning in a disastrous terrifying sea.
Did I mention that this was the Kissing Sea?
Abel is sitting beside me in the drivers' seat. He clears his throat and the sounds makes me flinch. Oh JEEZUS GET A GRIP YOU PANSY-ASS BITCH!!
Abel is in his seat and it's hard to explain how he's sitting. He looks relaxed - he's leaning back in the seat, head against the head rest, one arm leisurely laid on the door rest, his right arm on the console between us. Like I said, he looks relaxed. But there's an electricity in his muscles that I can somehow feel, a readiness in his form.
Ready for what?! My brain screams.
"Sooo..." He says, looking over at me and my heart just POUNDS POUNDS POUNDS in my chest because HOLY FUCK HE KISSED ME AND IT WAS WILD AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT FUCK ME FUCK FUCK FUCK— "...you um...wanna, go somewhere?"
The implication takes a half second for me grasp, and another second for me the visualize. Then it feels like my stomach drops out of my ass and my heart punched up out of my head.
"No!" I gasp in immediate response. Oh GOD GO WHERE!? AND DO WHAT?! My mind is going a hundred miles an hour and doesn't look like its going to stop. BREATHE DAMMIT WOMAN, BREATHE. He's implicating that we could 'go somewhere' and either continue KISSING - WHICH I ALREADY HAVE TOO LITTLE EXPERIENCE OF - or 'go somewhere' and DO THE NASTY AND OMG BRO I'M NOT INTO THAT --
Okay, so just to recap - ABEL HARKIN KISSED ME. TWICE. In this very truck that we are sitting in now, in the back parking lot of his brother's chiropractic office. And...it was...wild. And terrifying. And exciting. All at once. And I have no idea how to handle this.
I finally pull myself out of my own manic thoughts to glance at Abel. Oh GOD WHY ARE YOU SO ATTRACTIVE?! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?! He is looking at me, this very second, and looking at me confusedly. There's a smile on his face but a crinkle in his brows.
"Are you, okay?"
"Uhhhyeah!" I squeak out, eyes now staring down at the jacket I'm gripping in my hands, hands now up and adjusting the glasses on my face...I feel jittery and trembly and altogether confused.
Get your shit together you dumbass! The inner voice shouts, indignant as ever. He's been flirting with you FOREVER, what the fuck did you think would happen?!
"...Clarisse?" His voice is close and when I look to my left he's leaning over the truck console that separates us. After his second kiss of me, he'd laughed at my dumbstruck face, said a few jokes about 'never leaving a girl that speechless before' and he'd then shut my door and walked around to sit in the drivers' side. Now, his dark eyes are wide and questioning, and he seems to regret having moved away from me because his hand was reaching out toward my arm. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" I say, glancing up at him and feeling my entire face flame even hotter - how that's even possible is beyond me. My face has been aflame almost since the moment he took me from damned Barker Park!
He snorts and with the hand he'd already been reaching with he gently starts to brush the bush-like veil of my hair away from my hair. I can't help it but I flinch a little bit, but manage to steel myself - HOLY GOD WOMAN YOU'RE FINE HE'S BEING SWEET AND CARING JUST BE NORMAL FOR ONCE - and peek at him, feeling my heart start to pound crazily in my chest again.
He's leaning forward, massive shoulder and spectacular bicep on display in front of me, perfect smile and bright, black eyes peering at me. He tilts his head a little to get closer and to get into my field of vision. "Hey. What's up? Badass, angry little spitfire Clarisse Hornitt suddenly quiet and shy? Seems a little out of character."
'Badass'? He thinks I'm badass? A weird little glow sparks up in my belly, but I can't manage to look him in the eye that long. Whew. Just breathe. Talk to him. You're an adult!! Get you're shit together! This ISN'T the first time you've been kissed, you don't get the luxury of spazzing the fuck out!
"I'm fine," The words leave my mouth but I sound like I've just swallowed a cup of gravel. I clear my throat, take a deep breath, squeeze the jacket in my hands and sit up. "I'm fine." I repeat - now it sounds like I swallowed a cup full of fucking sand. Better? Meh.
"Yea, and my names' Nancy." Abel says sarcastically. He's still smiling but that worried furrow of his brows hasn't gone away and is maybe deepening. "Just tell me, please? I hope that wasn't too much. I just...got...excited I guess haha." Excited? Dude you mauled me! "I mean I didn't think you minded all that much..."
'FWOOSH.' If the sound of my face burning up with an even brighter blush was audible it would be that. My heart keeps pounding in my chest as I think back to it, my ears burning. No...I...apparently hadn't...? I remember that I'd kissed him back...that gives me a terrible twist in my gut because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING KISS!!! NO KNOWLEDGE WHATSOEVER OH GOD WAS I BAD??
Just be HONEST with him and yourself okay. Scarlett said to stop denying things and that's the best way to get things figured out. Be HONEST!! I found myself blinking from him to my hands and back and then saying, "Um...No, I...guess I didn't."
"Ha!" He lets out a loud, triumphant laugh and the fact that he's happy about me enjoying a kiss gives me the weird tinge of joy. "Fucking called it." He leans almost completely over the console, getting his face closer to mine, vibrant, attractive, and intent. His eyes went from glittery to glowing in a flash and the triumphant smile switched to somehow sensual. "So...like I said...you wanna..." He tilts his head to the left, directing to what I don't know. "...keep going?"
'Keep going'? That throws some wild images up into my mind and I think I'm going to flat out have a heart attack. My chest pounds wildly, my hands grip the coat too tight, I feel my breath kick up faster. I can hardly look at him and my words stutter out of my lips manically. "U-Uh, um, n-no I don't...no, um--"
"Hey hey hey..." Abel's tone flipped from sexy to concerned in a nanosecond. The smile disappeared, the brow furrowed even more than before. "I'm sorry, I was...mostly kidding. What's wrong, I didn't mean to be creepy, Clarisse, seriously. I'm so sorry I hope you're not---"
Oh god, there he goes, APOLOGIZING AGAIN. Poor guys' been apologizing to me way too much, he hasn't done anything wrong it's just ME IT'S ME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AUGHHHHH FUCK MEEEE-- "No, Abel, shut the hell up!" I somehow spit out at him angrily.
I look over and his eyes are wide and his head his now tilted a little back, like he'd just witnessed an explosion from a distance. That's right bitch, BACK UP. But a small smile finds his lips. "Now, that sounds more like you." He speaks softly, carefully.
I take a deep breath. Okay Clarisse put your big girl panties on and JUST FUCKING TALK FOR FUCK'S SAKE!! THE MORE YOU STUTTER AROUND THE MORE YOU DRAG IT OUT!! "I..um....Abel its really fine I just...um...I'm okay, really, you didn't do anything wrong. I promise. I'm okay and it was... it was...." What the hell do I say? I don't know!! I mean, it was good, but....but was it?? Why did he do it? What am I supposed to do with this now??! "I'm sorry I'm being fucking weird. I just haven't really...um..."
I glance over at Abel now, finally looking up from my white little hands on my coat, and this absolute expression of confusion is on his face, eyes all squinted - kind of cute actually haha. I feel my heart pound again because ADMITTING this, at my age, to this incredibly attractive and successful and EXPERIENCED boy is downright embarrassing. I've had to do this before with Sebastian, WHY OH FUCKING WHY UNIVERSE, am I doing this again?!
"...I just really haven't been...kissed...very much...before..." The words leave my lips in a harsh almost-whisper because a) I HATE that I have to say this again and b) DID I MENTION I HATE THIS?!
There's several beats of silence. I glance at Abel again and that look hasn't left his face, if anything, its gotten worse. His squinting eyes scrutinize my face a few times as if he's expecting me to be faking it: 'Just kiddingg!! I'm a world class kisser and I'm ready to bang your brains out!', and when I give him a disgruntled frown in response those squinty eyes pop open wide.
"Wait, what are you saying?" I can almost see the gears spinning like mad in his brain as he's trying to process this. "You...you haven't been kissed before--"
"No, I have..." I manage to retort but but the vehemence dies in my mouth because BRO ITS ONLY BEEN LIKE TWO OTHER TIMES AND IT WAS SEBASTIAN AND AUGGHGHHHALJFLKEJ.... "Just...not...very much..." These words come out half whispered and I embarrassedly twist the jacket in my hands. PLEASE DON'T ASK WHO MY FEW KISSES HAVE BEEN DUDE I'M NOT MENTALLY PREPARED TO VERBALIZE THAT .
Abel suddenly flops back into his chair, looking beyond flummoxed. "I'm so fucking confused Clarisse. So..." His dark eyes fly back to me, study me wildly, going over my hair, my face, my body in a quick erratic fashion. "...you haven't...you haven't really...kissed, or had sex... or anything...?"
Somehow his questioning of my intimate experience pisses me off. "No. And it's not your fucking business either so--"
"Oh Christ, Clarisse," Abel, beautiful, smexy and godlike is reaching across the console and grabbing ahold of my left hand, and somehow his face is bright pink and his eyes are wider. Apparently I'm not the only one stuck on this Emotional Rollercoaster Ride from Hell. "I didn't mean to...I'm fucking sorry, I really didn't mean to get in your business, I'm fucking sorry...I'm just..." A half smile and his squinty-confused-eyes come back. "I'm so confused right now."
He's holding your haaaaannddddd! My girly little brain says. OhmyGOD girly brain this is NOT A GOOD TIME. "Abel, shut the fuck UP with all the apologies, okay?" I don't know why, but Abel apologizing makes me feels sad and angry all at once. I look him full on in the face now, fueled by irritation. "Just stop apologizing. It's okay, I'm okay."
We hold gaze for a few intense seconds. A strange emotion crosses his face; it was fleeting but it was a strong one that resonated in his gaze. Then he sighed, hung his head down, shaking it, chuckling a little.
"I'm so fucking confused Clarisse."
"You think you're confused?" Okay, that's it, I'm pissed. I don't know why, and maybe its not completely directed at Abel but DAMN I AM SO SICK OF SHIT AND DRAMA AND CONFUSION DAMMIT. I pull my hand from his and cross my arms over chest indignantly.
Abel glances at my crossed arms and then sits back in the drivers' seat of the truck, running his hands through his beautiful curly hair. He laughs again, almost exasperatedly. "So...what's the deal then?"
"What?"
His arms drop heavily on his lap and he has the gumption to look frustrated with me. I will FUCK YOU UP THUNDERGOD BOY DON'T EVEN TRY--- "What are you...doing, or looking for or--"
Fuse, GONE.
"Ohmygod, I DON'T KNOW ABEL! I really fucking don't...I'm just..." I feel that pounding in my chest again, and a weird, tight, stress-inducing feeling twists from my throat down in my gut. "I don't know, I'm not sure how I feel about anything okay? I'm not really...looking for anything I guess. I don't...I don't want..." NAKEDNESS OR SEX OR BODY-PARTS TOUCHING OR ANY OF THAT BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN KISS CONFIDENTLY GOD DAMN- "I-I don't want anything serious. I'm just figuring it out, okay?"
I cut off my tirade because I felt like I'd said too much, even if my inner monologue is going rampant with nerves and anger. A deep breath seems to relax the pounding heart but the weird feeling still sits on me like a heavy, sweaty rock.
Beside me, Abel is frowning out the front windshield, his mind working intently. His silence unsettles me and another blush burns in my face. If he's upset he isn't getting to FunFuckTime with me I will RUN HIM OVER IN HIS OWN TRUCK dammit. "Does that...make sense?"
"I mean...sure." Is his response, then he chuckles to himself and passes a hand over his face. "You hurt my brain, Clarisse."
I snorted aloud, wishing I could open up my mind and show him the wild-manic-goings on in there, but before I can say anything snarky, Abel has reached across and has ahold of my hand again. He's staring directly into my eyes, unreadable apart from the tiniest tinge of curiosity flickering in his eyes.
"Just bear with me, but...it was okay, kissing you, right?"
Him holding my hand, staring into my eyes and bringing it up again somehow sends this wave of heat across my body - like a full-body blush. Flashes of him kissing me - his mouth on mine, his hands almost everywhere, the intensity of it all - has my heart POUNDING against my ribcage.
"U-Uh," Something gripped me; something unknown, a trembly but incredibly strong thing. In half a second it had control of my brain and was urging me to just lean forward and kiss him, get that feeling back from before, just grab his face and pull him in -- It disappeared just as quickly and I blinked wildly and look away, breaking our gaze.
"Y-Yes it...was...okay. Yes." I somehow said. With the absence of that feeling the urge to jump out of the truck and run was damn hard to hold down. Holy shit BREATHE woman!!
Abel didn't move and I made myself look up again. A look I'd seen on him before, moments before he'd kissed me, not maybe 15 minutes ago, was burning in his face. He wanted me. It was blatant, it was obvious, it was terrifying. Whatever thing had gripped me obviously hadn't let go of him but he seemed to wrestle it in his mind because his jaw unclenched and he blinked and sat up; he gave my hand a squeeze, his thumb brushing over my fingers with a few rapid strokes.
"Okay. Good. I just wanted to be sure."
__
My phone tells me its 1:06am.
Behind me, Scarlett stirs a little in her sleep, so I quickly put my phone underneath the blanket and then dim the screen so I don't wake her.
I've been absentmindedly scrolling through Pinterest since maybe 11:30pm, lured to the app by promises of 'THE BEST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES OF YOUR LIFE' (which, btw, maybe they could be, but ain't no one's cookies better than my Grandmas!) and then I went down the rabbit hole of reading about the outcomes of using different types of flour in recipes and so on...somehow, I've created twelve different new Pinterest Boards in that span of time, ranging from a 'Cooking' board, to a 'Books I'd like to Read' to a board called 'Cute Kitties' literally devoted to a bajillion photos of cute cat pictures I've found.
Am I literally just distracting myself from the events of today?
No fucking DUHHHHH!!
After Abel and I's confusing as hell time together and our weird conversation, he'd driven me back to Barker Park so I could get back to my van. It was an awkward, almost entirely silent drive that made me want to cringe into my seat, but once we got there, I remember being almost hesitant to get out of his truck.
He'd, of course, asked if I was okay, I'd squeaked out a basic little 'I'm fine. Thanks!' And then jumped out, slammed the door and ran to my van and proceeded to make an and idiot out of myself because I tried to open my door and it was locked.
For several seconds I'd panickedly pulled the door, listening nervously to the rumble of the truck behind me, but then remembered my keys in my coat pocket and unlocked it. It wasn't until I'd got into my van and buckled my seat belt that I'd dared look over at Abel's truck which had been idling beside me for the whole thing.
I thought I saw him wave through the tinted window, probably laughing, and then he'd backed out.
After that, I finally checked my phone, saw a bajillion missed calls from my mother, swore 8 million fucking times and called her back (I stopped swearing by the time she answered no worries). My excuse was that I forgot to tell her I was going to Scarlett's to study for a test, she was mad, but believed me, and then I told her I was coming home to grab a 'book I forgot'. Hung up, immediately dialed Scarlett. She was confused by my sudden desire to come over and 'study' but caught that I desperately needed her and told me to 'Come on over!'.
Sped my ugly ass van home, barged into the house and sprinted up the stairs, grabbed a random ass book from desk, and was just going to fly out the room when Scarlett was calling me.
"Are you okay?" She'd asked, concern in her voice.
"Yea, just need to talk...alot..." My tone must have been a little manic because she'd told me to pack an over night bag so I could stay over. I immediately did so as Scarlett hung up and then called my home phone, convinced my mother to let me stay over at her house (can we just take a moment to worship Scarlett? She just gives my mom one, cute, teeny little phone call and my crazy-ass mother gives right in! That's some fucking talent!), and then I was running down the stairs...
And ran into my dad.
Rodney Hornitt is a painfully observant man - he's always been able to pick up on the subtlest ticks of irritation or most minor discrepancies of body language. Of course, at that point, maybe only 50 minutes after Abel had PUT HIS MOUTH ON MINE ALL WILD-LIKE, I was a damn crazy person. Blushing face, probably wide eyes, uneven breath, the works.
"Going somewhere?" His eyes had flashed from the bag in my hands to my probably distressed and still red face and back in a moment.
"Scarlett's house to study. I'm staying the night." Don't question me don't question me don't question me--
"You okay Brainbean? You're so flushed." His tone had actually been more worried than accusatory and my heart had slowed and softened for my ol' dad.
"Yes, Dad. I promise."
Thankfully, that's all he needed from me and he'd let me hurry passed him down the stairs and through the house toward the garage and my still running van. Mom, still on the phone with Scarlett, had waved at me from the kitchen, I waved back and then left.
Scarlett's house was a beautiful, noisy safe haven.
All of her sisters and her cute little brother were there of course, running around, being loud, being obnoxious, laughing, yelling, crying. Beautiful beautiful noise. Noise loud enough to take over my mind. Take my mind away from things...
Since Scarlett was busy managing her sisters and brother, we hadn't gotten to go up to her room and 'study' until passed 6pm. But I didn't mind, because not having to talk, think, or do anything with my mind and Abel and Sebastian and kissing was like a godsend for me for a little while. I helped Scarlett make supper (her mom was working a later shift so wasn't home yet), then we all did dishes (broken dishwasher) and it all was perfectly loud. Normally, I'd have hated the noise, the squealing girls, the crying toddler, the arguing sisters (Poppy is a little BITCH HOLY SHIT, she told me I looked like shit right too my face!)...but tonight it was actually lovely.
But, finally, things settled, and we were free to hide in Scarlett's bedroom. And I got to tell her it all, and she got to freak out and girl out about ABEL FUCKING HARKIN KISSING ME. You can imagine her reaction: shock, excitement, the need to KNOW EVERY DETAIL. I expressed every thing I could remember and we talked for hours until Scarlett got tired at like 11pm, and I finally let her go to sleep at 11:30pm.
As you already know, I haven't been able to sleep - I've been purposely distracting myself with my phone. But now, I put my phone back on my pillow and just take a deep breath, hoping I can just go to sleep.
...
Nope. Fuck!!
I know I know I know...'It's just a kiss, no big deal, enjoy it because it was Abel'...but...my mind circles around and around and around and isn't just thinking about Abel, or Sebastian, or just kissing. I discovered a big frightening monster of an emotion that I don't think I'd ever let myself really confront before, and hadn't really fully let myself divulge with Scarlett:
Inadequacy.
That feeling that had twisted in my gut and weighed like a sweaty rock on my body was the feeling of being inadequate...or pathetic, or lacking, or deficient... because I didn't know how to handle all of these emotions, all of these happenings, all of these things that these two terrifyingly attractive and more experienced boys seemed to want from me...
I am painfully inexperienced in the social department, and even less so in the intimate department, fucking obviously. Having to admit that to these two guys was SO MORTIFYING. Why? Well, I've managed to think about it enough to figure out that maybe it's because....
I didn't hate that they'd kissed me.
OKAY, YUP THERE, YOU GOT ME!! I ADMITTED IT!! I LIKED THE KISSING, O-FUCKING-KAY?! I didn't push them off, I didn't feel violated, if anything, behind the confusion, I know there was elation in there; hot as fucking hell guys HAVE KISSED ME - that's a something to be elated about!! Right?!!
...Right?
I told Scarlett how Abel had asked me 'what I was doing' and I'd admitted that I didn't know and that I didn't know what I wanted. That mix of liking the connection and the fear of not know what I'm doing makes for on fuck of disaster in my brain.
"Is...is that bad? I mean I know they instigated it but am I like...a ho for kissing two different guys in such a short span of time?" I'd been sitting on Scarlett's bed, nervously twisting her blanket in my hands.
Scarlett had reached up and grabbed my wrist; to stop me from ripping her blanket, and, to calm me a little. "No! Hell no! Like you said, they started it and well...you're not dating either of them. I don't necessarily recommend jumping back and fort between them too much but...it's okay. You're not a ho, or a slut, or anything. Frankly those words are just bullshit that was cooked up to keep women from enjoying any sense of sexual freedom like ever."
I'd flinched at her comment; it was true, but I was very good at using those words against other girls. If I'm not a 'slut' or a 'ho', then I'm definitely a judgmental bitch for sure.
She'd praised me for trying to be honest, and advised me to continue doing so; be honest with Sebastian too. Outright say that I don't know what I'm doing and I don't really want anything specific.
"Frankly, I don't think he does either. Abel's the one that seems to really need to know that you're not looking for a relationship....yet."
"Yet?!"
Her mischievous cackle was infectious and soon I was laughing too, albeit a little nervously. Did I want a relationship? I mean, sure. I remember watching my cousin dancing with her husband at her wedding and feeling that desire to know love, to have love...to have somebody. But did I want Sebastian or Abel? I still don't know...I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship or more kissing or anything else...
Don't fucking lie. A voice within me chides. (Jeezus I've got a lot of voices in my head...I knew I was going batshit fucking crazy).
Okay, FINE, maybe I didn't mind the kissing. I certainly had reacted differently to Abel's kiss than I had Sebastian's, and I can honestly say I don't think it had anything to do with the people...more the timing. Sebastian was my FIRST. I didn't expect it, and my body had no prior experience to build from. By the second I remember I'd leaned forward...and next, by the time I'd kissed Abel, my body moved. My body kissed back, grabbed his shirt...AUGHHH OH GOD CAN'T THINK OF IT WITHOUT MY CHEST POUNDING...
And that was another thing. The absolute pounding of my heart whenever I'm around them and and things...escalate. I'm pretty damn sure its because that inadequate feeling manifests itself into a form of fear; fear of failure, of disappoint, of lack of knowledge?? I don't fucking know...
"Urghh..." I grunt to myself. Scarlett's bed is painfully soft, and as much as I love her, it's crazy how much both of our weight smooshes us together into the center of her bed. Our backs are constantly touching. I suppose she's used to it because of all of her siblings; me, not so much.
Rolling over a little closer to the edge of the bed, my knees literally out in the air and out of the blanket, I reach down to the floor and put my glasses on. Maybe a glass of water would help.
As I carefully got out of bed an crept toward the door, I mused over other parts of our conversation.
"Scarlett what did you mean about being more clear with Abel..."
She'd sighed at my apparent blindness and I'd really had to fight to hold back my usual 'fuck you!'. "I don't know, I've just gotten this vibe that Abel's like...really interested in you. I mean, he's been invested in your protection from his cousin but he also has been just...plain protective of you. I mean he's always had a temper but kicking the shit out of Justin Habbinger for you, and always wanting to talk to you just seems...like just blatant interest."
"So...he...doesn't just want to bang me?"
"Oh I don't know Clarisse! I'm just guessing, judging by his reaction when you told him you aren't experienced he seemed to have thought differently of you and maybe was hoping to, ehehe--"
"Ew! That's just because he thinks I'm fucking Sebastian..."
She'd sighed. "Yea, and then there IS Sebastian. I don't know what to think about him. He's definitely gotten nicer."
The door of Scarlett's bedroom door creaked only slightly but had closed very softy, and then I was tiptoeing down the hall to the bathroom. Their bathroom has one tiny window but enough moonlight/streetlight is filtering through that I don't need to switch the light on. A handmade beaded bracelet that hangs on the doorknob (I'd questioned Scarlett and apparently her little sister Mari had a bracelet making phase and all of the extras just ended up everywhere) jingles a little as I close the door. I dig under the cabinet for a random clean cup - I find an old Winnie the Pooh baby cup that's is very faded. Whatever, it will do for water.
I fill the cup, drink it down and fill it again. After the second glass I set it on the small sink and find myself staring into the mirror. What's going in there? I say to myself, glaring at my forehead.
Fuck if I know! My brain seems to say in response.
Great. That's fan-fucking-tastic.
---
Mr. Rebb is finishing up his lecture in Economics, and I'm ready to throw my book at him. I've been crazy annoyed all day, because, well, that's just how I fucking am. Dude, wrap it uppppp!
The clock ticks down and I angrily itch my sleeve. I'd been stupid and grabbed any random shirt when I'd packed to stay at Scarlett's and it happens to be one of the oldest crew necks I own- a light grey, itchy little thing that we'd gotten when we visited the Great Smoky Mountains National Park in Tennessee. The green lettering is mostly peeled off and the mountain silhouette looks more like a faded stain than anything else. Did I mention it's itchy? And also, since its old, it's shrunken and also shorter than I'd like.
I'm tired because I didn't sleep, I'm tired because I've been avoiding Abel all day - DON'T YOU JUDGE ME OKAY THIS IS HOW I AM! - and I'm ready to GO HOME AND JUST CURL UP IN A BALL.
A movement catches my eye and I make the mistake of looking over. Sebastian, of course, was what caught my eye. He's leaned back in his chair, his body language bored out of his mind, and his expression is equally so. His eyes are glossed over and he passes a big hand over his face and then I think mouths the words: 'Bored to fucking DEATH', at me.
I couldn't help it - I laughed a little. What a damn dork. I glower at him, still smiling, and shake my head a little, trying to tell him to suck it up. He smirks back and I that rush of blood hits my face; jeezus christ, he's too damn cute.
He's cute and he wants you're little hobo-looking ass! One of the many inner Clarisse's shouts aloud. That thought fires up my heart and I turn away, trying to hide my stupidly red face with my mass of curls. Okay, nope nope nope, we planned to avoid everything today, we're gonna do just that, we're gonna get through this last few classes and get the fuck outtaaa here...
Mr. Rebb's sentence is cut off by the bell and I stand up with my already stacked up pile of folders and book and make for the door. I'm passing through the doorway when I hear his voice, and I for once didn't flinch because I was expecting it.
"Psychoooo..."
I speed up my steps. Run bitch run oh god here he comes run run run runnnn---
As fully expected he catches right up to me, slinging a casual and bulky arm over my shoulders. "Psychooo!" He repeats, sounding excited.
"What." I grumble. Dude, I'm tired, I'm confused about boys, and you are a boy, one of the most confusing boys of all boys so you are NOT HELPING ME GET UNCONFUSED.i
"I dunno I just like saying it."
I finally look up at him, giving him my disgruntled frown. "Oh fuck off--" My attempt to pull away is thwarted by his hand tightening on my shoulder.
"Oh jeezus, cool your angry little jets," Hey says, chuckling. He pauses, studying me then says, "No offense but you look like warmed over shit Psycho."
OKAY THAT'S IT-- I elbow him right I the ribs, hard as I can, and my ears are greeted with a hefty and surprised 'OOOFFF' and a muffled expletive. Take THAT YOU ASSHOLE, HAHAAAA!
I speed forward, gleeful and actually giggling because I fucking did ittt hehehehe--
"Wait wait wait wait--" He catches me again, dodging around the group of freshman I'd managed to duck behind. God dammit I just got to my locker too! "That was MEAN, Psycho, you hurt me!"
Trying to pry his arm from around me is like wrestling with an iron anaconda. "And?" I grunt at him angrily, doing my best to avoid eye contact with him.
"'And'? Annnddd I want an apology Psycho." His voice is teasing and light. I feel no threat of major flirtation and I take it as a chance to glare up at him. His golden-brown eyes are bright and glittery - mischievous instead of sexy, and I can handle that.
"Okay, here I'll give you an apology, " I say.
His startled face is funny as he blinks down at me, and then he takes half a step back from me to look at my face and I slowly reach my my hand up a ways...and then HAUL OFF AND PUNCH HIM RIGHT IN THE GUT. Take that that you hot BITCH!!!
This 'OOOFFF' was louder and somehow even more surprised than the first one and Sebastian even doubles over, eyes bulging in shock. I can't help but cackle aloud because I fucking got him hahahah!
I whip around triumphantly to my locker, throwing it open with gusto and tossing my shit in there, still laughing to myself. Okay, so that was a little mean but he's been calling me 'Psycho' for EVER and if he's gonna call me it I might as well act like one right? Ha! Karma is a BITCH!
A hand grabs a fistful of the back of my crewneck and I'm suddenly yanked around. I gasp aloud and I already know who it is but I was honestly hoping he'd have fucked off...uh nope. His face is a mix of annoyance and something like laughter - angry laughter. He's muttering through his teeth: "-stupid cute little shit, fucking blindsiding me, what the hell-"
His big hands grip me under the armpits and I'm hauled off my feet, in the air, legs and arms flailing in the air in, honestly, a bit of terror because DAMN that was fast and HOW IS HE SO STRONG AND THIS SHIRT IS KIND OF SHORT SO ITS KIND OF LIFTING UP AND LORD KNOWS MY BELLY BUTTON IS ON DISPLAYGOD DAMMIT IF MY REACH WAS A LITTLE LONGER I'D SLAP HIS ASS INTO NEXT WEEK, FUCK YOU YOU HOT ASS FUCKER---
Over his angry grumblings and my swearing a clear voice is heard: "What have I said about picking up students?! Put her down, Mr. Beltzer I swear--"
Sebastian and I stopped immediately at Mrs. Wu's sharp words, but she stops mid sentence when she finally squeezes between a cluster of students and gapes at us openly. Sebastian and I stare at her blankly, me, a full foot or more off the ground, Sebastian holding me out at arms-length with little effort.
"Uh, Mr. MacCrain? I-I...goodness I thought you were Graham. He's usually the one picking everybody up. Put her down this instant."
Sebastian does so, giving me a half hearted frown. "Sorry Mrs. Wu, she's just being mean." His tone is whiny. What the hell! You big ass baby!
"What! Um, no way!" I gasp. Okay, so I've punched him in the gut but he deserved it!
She folds her arms, giving him a raised eyebrow. "Sebastian, you and I both know that physical action isn't the right way to go. Correct."
He puts his arms behind his back, attempting to look innocent and failing. "Oh yes, definitely."
She glowers at him and then turns and glowers at me?! "And Miss Hornitt, I expect kindness from you, alright?"
W-What? I open my mouth and close it, stunned. I don't get reprimanded my teachers - okay sometimes but not Mrs. Wu! - like ever, what the hell. She quirks her eyebrow some more and I sigh. "Yes ma'am."
Her shrewd eyes look back and forth between us a few more times. "Now, behave yourselves." She stalks away from us, probably off to scold someone else.
Okay, what the hell I'm a GOOD stupid she did not need to reprimand me whatsoever-- I give Sebastian an angry huff and then start packing my bag up of stuff I need, doing my best to ignore him. He's still there, standing with his hands behind his back, just watching me, looking a little ticked off still, probably because he didn't get to exact whatever revenge he planned on. "What?" I say over my shoulder. "Waiting for a moment to stuff me in here?"
"Oooo hadn't thought of that. You'd probably fit really well too..."
At that I quickly grab my jacket and then slam my locker shut, giving him a pointed 'ha!' glower. I start stomping toward the double doors so I can head home. Sebastian keeps pace with me. I'm about to open my mouth and tell him that if he tries to do anything to me I'll punch him again but he speaks first.
"So we somehow got violent, which was mildly fun, I can admit, but..." His voice gets a little softer, a little bit more uncertain. Curiosity gets the best of me an I look up. Sebastian MacCrain, star linebacker, gorgeous guy and all around confidence freak, looks almost shy. A very very light tinge of pink is coloring the top of his cheekbones.
"I just wanted to...thank you. For tutoring me. We had that quiz in Trig today and I usually just fucking dread that shit but I actually felt kind of confident during it. I felt like it made some sense and I wasn't like, pissing myself all the way through it."
By now we've reached the doors, and he pushes the door open for me. I silently walk through it, unsure what to say. I didn't know what I expected him to be saying, but it wasn't this.
We keep walking outside on the front sidewalk, and Sebastian keeps walking beside me, hands in the pockets. He starts speaking again. "It was nice to not feel like an idiot in that class, because I always have. So, thanks. Really."
I stop and look up at him. This warm little bud is burning its way in my chest and up my throat. I look him directly in the face with the intention to do so for the first time in our whole interaction. That light pink tinge is still on his face, his eyes are soft, thankful, his smile small but really true. I smile back, feeling it, feeling suddenly incredibly happy that I'd helped him and made him more confident in himself; he may be confident in almost every other way but this was something he struggled with, and he actually learned from me.
"You're welcome. I'm really glad that you understood it." I say in all sincerity.
His eyes linger on my face for long moments; not like, weird long, but long enough for me to feel the slightest ba-DUMP of my heart. He either noticed or had a inner hiccup of his own because he turned his head, glancing at the school. Lord Almighty what a profile. That JAW. He could cute a cake with that thing. And his stupid cute nose - that little bump in it doesn't hurt his looks at all, makes him a little more rugged--
His eyes narrow and he tilts his head. I follow his gaze and see he's staring a classroom window that we're standing now far from. The sun is glaring on the glass making it hard to see in, but I think I can see a small figure standing there, maybe watching us.
"Who..." I say, wondering who was creeping on us. If its that bitch Nyssa I swear to god I'll find a rock and chuck it, property damage be damned!
"Mrs. Wu. Checking on us. Making sure we're not going to fight or..." Sebastian turns and gives me this wicked look, one eyebrow going up villain style, "...something."
Before I can react Sebastian has me again, picking me up by the armpits just as quickly and easily as before, muttering the words 'up up and away Psycho!' as he does so. I curse at him, angry and surprised, but Sebastian isn't looking at me, his entire attention is on that window directly across from us. He lifts me up and down like some toy, giving the window a big idiot smile.
"Helllooooo Mrs. Wuuuuuu!" He calls, and in astonishment I blink from the window and back to him. He picked me up to ANNOY A TEACHER?!
After a few seconds of this, the window slowly opens, revealing the incredibly grouchy face of Mrs. Wu. Sebastian stops dancing around, holding me around at arms-length like before, and I don't fight because I'm too busy staring at this hard-ass teacher. She gives him a frigid glower, glances at me, glares a Sebastian some more, then starts shaking her head...and a tiny smile forms.
"What the hell!" I gasp. His damn charisma get's EVERYBODY! DAMMIT!
She shuts the window and Sebastian throws his head back and laughs, all while still holding me in the air. He keeps laughing and looks at me, this bright, gorgeous smile aglow. I forget how annoyed I am, find joy in this dumb moment. This stupid show-off to a usually crappy teacher who he got to smile, his casual holding of me, his thanking of me...
Then, I watch his eyes go down, and I remember that his crewneck is smaller, and I feel the breeze on my belly. Golden-tan eyes flicker and he grins at me. "Oooo I see London I see France..."
I make for a wild swat at him and he laughingly puts me down, me cursing and smacking his arms. "You PERV!"
"Hey hey! Not my fault your pants don't fit your tiny little ass right--" I swat him again and he laughs some more.
Face burning red, I curse myself for letting him pick me up, for wearing this damn SHIRT. Him picking me up lifted the front of the shirt up a bit, exposing some belly...and since my pants are usually very loose (and I forgot a belt), they reacted to gravity like everything else and hung lower on my hips when I was lifted up, giving the tiniest hint of the front of my underwear...which are of course a very bright and girly pink.
"Oh I hate you! Go away!" I snarl, and he keeps laughing, but fields my hits easily and then reaches passed my fists to ruffle my hair.
"Alright alright, see you later Clarisse." His looks a enough to make me stop. Teasing but warm, with a burning something hidden just behind his eyes. But he'd actually stopped, he'd actually backed off, he hadn't made any other lewd comments...jeezus when we first ever interacted every other sentence was something gross or sexual...now, he glances my underwear and he makes one little joke and then...leaves me alone.
He's walking away, back toward the school, and for some reason I say, "See you later."
Oh shit what did I just-- Sebastian stops mid step, turning back to me. He smiles, and its this slow, warm thing that hits me square in the chest. I whip around, face burning.
I speed walk towards my van, embarrassed at myself still for wearing this shirt, still wondering what that smile meant, wondering if I should just drive to Scarlett's again so I could vomit my entire brain out of my mouth...I'm messing with my keys when a strong, thing arms hooks me backward from behind.
_____
:p
As you can see above, I made a little thing for Clarisse. I know I have her character reference set as Iana Godnia, but I found someone who really embodies how I visualize her, and it's model Sasha Kichigana. Just imagine that girl with some glasses and maybe bigger and longer hair and it's Clarisse. But, that's just a reference. You're all free to imagine her in your own way!
And yes, it's been a long time. I'm very sorry - life gets a hold of me, but don't worry, this story is always in my mind! I hope you're all doing well amidst the COVID19 craziness. <3