~ Watch ~ Billie Eilish (Slowed)
*
LATER THAT NIGHT
Since I've spoken to him, I've been trying my best to give him space.....
A burden I must carry upon my shoulders, being a failure. Things haven't been easy on me, but I knew I truly deserved it. Despite it mostly with the titans at fault, I've left my guard down and let everything run to chaos.
"Hey,"
My eyes drowsily drift over to see Levi walk through the tower door, before making his way over to me. He sits upon the edge with me on the top tower, while gazing up to the moon. My legs hanging off the ledge, hands resting behind me. The soft wind blows idly by, feeling it comb through my hair, like my own mother doing my hair from the heavens.
"Levi.......surprised to see you come to me," I chuckle through my light tears, my head already getting a headache.
He clicks his tongue in response, following my gaze to the sky.
"I'm not really that evil, am I?" he questions rhetorically, but I couldn't muster a fake smile. The energy was drained completely, especially after the events.
"No.....no you're not," I whisper, wiping away the tears with my wrist.
Silence soon fills the empty void between us, not sure if he knew or not. Taking a deep breath in, I could sense Levi glancing my way with deep concern. I know we had our differences, and how closed off he was.....but, I could sense it.
Sometimes he was readable, and some other days he's just a hard cover......
"What happened out there?" He questions, his voice soft and concerned. "I've heard rumours, that you stood before those titans by yourself........saved so many citizens......but........."
He sighs deeply.
"....what really happened out there beside the titans?"
Should I tell him? But then I would show a weak side of myself, dammit all........I need someone to talk to.......
"The same........way you lost your loved ones," I reply, my voice cracking in the process.
"What do you mean....?"
The raging fire within my heart starts to burn rapidly, the more the colossal daunted my memories. The trembling earth moved beneath me back then, rocks flying in every direction crushing homes and innocent lives in the process. The blood tainting the streets, it was like a complete blood bath within a cage.
"I just lost m-my......entire family.........failing to save them," I reply, my voice was growing more shaky by thinking about it. No home to come back to, nor a place to even go to see their gentle and calm faces again. Shaking my head, I didn't think this information was worth telling him. "Don't worry about what I said.......I don't think you would care.......I understand how you go without forming any close bonds."
He sighs deeply, feeling slight comfort with him right beside me.
"I try........but...." he admits honestly. "I do care about you......but I don't blame you assuming that of me."
My eyes slowly widen in response by this, unable to think what he was truly entailing.
"Levi......"
"I'm not a heartless bastard, losing family is a tragic fate," he continues on, being so honest with his true feelings. "But......I want you to know, you still have your brother......and the survey corps."
My head hangs low, rubbing my tired eyes.
"I saw what your brother did to you, and I apologise for eavesdropping," he apologises, making me turn to him. "I already knew about what had happened, but I wanted to hear it from you directly.........to understand what pain you're going through. Yet.....you didn't deserve to be slapped that way, he had no right.....especially when you tried your hardest."
I clearly deserved it, but then I hate feeling sorry for myself. How else was I meant to go on with my day, when the very reason why I'm feeling pathetic.
Because death is permanent, it's not temporary.........
My body was taking a toll on from the battle, feeling sleep taking over me. His voice, presence and words of comfort was enough to put me at ease. Ever since we collided below in the underground, that spark that throbbed between us kept me questioning why it happened.
Over time since Levi started out, our relationship has progressed. When no one was around me, he would approach me and easily speak to me like it was nothing. He would sometimes go out of his way, teaching me new things as well as I teach him new things. We both always privately hung out, picking up on the little things. Small habits of his such as...
How he likes his black tea made........The way he holds his teacups.......the sound of 'tch implying his irritation, or impatience......he is a tidy type of guy, prefer things to be clean.....
"I try so hard....." whispering softly, my voice continues to break. ".....even Erwin didn't give a shit."
"Tch, typical of him,"
Shaking my head, "No.......he's been like this for so long, longer than before you joined," I explain further, testifying my own experience with the new Commander. Soon I took a deep breath but sleep was forcing itself against me, my head slightly swaying before feeling a hand pull me down against their shoulder.
He clicks his tongue against his teeth.
"Get some rest, you haven't slept properly for a few days already," he assertively says, hearing concern lacing his tone.
Not having the energy to feeling embarrassed, I nuzzle my head against his shoulder feeling his arm circle around my waist. Soon sleep takes over, feeling a wave of relief washing over me.
"You really scared me," He whispers, not hearing his words.
*
A YEAR LATER - YEAR 846
"Commander, this is suicide!" I interject sternly, my eyes narrowing towards the man before me. "You know better than anyone that bringing in inexperienced citizens to this battle, will down the population of Shiganshina!"
"We all must make sacrifices, because we must try and retake Wall Maria ," The Commander bluntly replies, dejecting my warning. "Besides, we've lost a lot.......what's more, Trost is crowding with the people........gathering with what we we don't know, is how long these titans will roam across the lands before Wall Rose."
Slamming my hands against the desk, felt more personal than the people.
"Do you plan to put yourself in this position?"
He nods.
"Yes, I'm willing to place my life on the line......as you should, too," he inquires, making my blood boil. These people, their home......we've lost so much already, what's more.......it's painful to watch.
How should i even respond to this, he's always been on my nerves!
Since Wall Maria was breached, we couldn't do our expeditions out and beyond. Things were put to a halt, but my feelings were deep to the core. Death was around, death was reality. Yet, how can he be so subtle about this, especially when we're all trapped behind the walls. His gaze was lit up by the candle light, flickering in the dark room. The crickets were making their tune, softly.
His broad stature was intimidating, his gaze intense with my arguing.
His lips press thinly into a line, while I'm trying to muster more of an argue point. Yet all he could do was lean back into his chair, amused with a smirk curling upon his lips. The shadows dance around with the flames of candle light flicker, feeling the heavy tension sinking between us.
"You always love to argue with something of mine, even before I became Commander," He comments, being observant for the last few years. "Why do you resent me so much?"
Staring at him dumbfounded by his accusation, my hands tighten by my sides. My hair messily covers my eyes, covering up the irritation of this man. How could he asks me that, when it's the other way around?
"......."
He scoffs, his gaze shifts to the papers before him.
"As always, you don't have an answe--"
"I do,"
His eyes trail up slowly, intrigued by my voice breaking the heavy silence. "You do.....okay, what is it?"
My hands tighten, my knuckles turning white.
"What is your problem with me? I've fought alongside you," I began, my voice raising higher. "I've followed your guidance, advice, suggestions, did your dirty work.......even forced someone who was only trying to survi--"
"That, was actually illegal allegations Akira," he snaps, making me almost flinch from his tone. "What they did was against the policy, against the royal government, against us!"
"Bu--"
"Levi lost his friends, given that......he's alone meaning he's willing cooperate with us," he cuts me off, making my eyes widen in horror. "So don't you think you're boss around here, you're lucky you're a squad Captain.......I was gonna promote you to a higher rank.....but I will postpone it now......"
My heart clenched, dissatisfied with his response.
"Don't use Levi's comrades death as excuse, just to use him as you see fit," I mutter, my voice deepens. Glaring towards him, "You're lucky I help you, because at first I was your strongest weapon......but now, using Levi while he's vulnerable? That's shallow, even for you."
"Akira....."
Blinking away a few tears, that threaten to roll down.
"You didn't seem to care at all that I could've lost my life in Shiganshina," my voice grew shaky, feeling myself starting build up an anxiety attack. My head was throbbing with the intense feeling of being lost, lost within myself and what I'm really fighting for.
Turning on my heel I went to leave, my hand reaching for the doorknob.
"We must be strict with lives, that's all I have to say," he says.
Gripping the handle I push the door wide open, before seeing Hanji jump in response noticing she must've been standing outside. "Hanji, I--"
"Sorry, I've got to Commander Erwin,"
"You can come in!" Erwin calls, as Hanji mutters an apology before walking inside while slamming the door.
I stood there unable to understand or fathom my words, or to even think about my first time expressing the question I wanted him to answer. Dammit, my heart is pounding so hard. Soon my anxiety raises higher the more I thought about it, making me storm down the corridor to head to the training grounds.
*******
The sounds of my fists connecting with a hay stuffed dummy, echoes in the dead of night.
Small grunts leave my lips while unleashing my anxiety, anger and frustration out. Beads of sweat align my forehead, following with my shallow breaths panting through my lips. My muscles straining, my feet dragging across the ground while I angle my punches. Spiking a few spots, I do a roundhouse kick sending the dummy far from me breaking it in half.
Lightly landing on my two feet, I smear the sweat against my forehead trying to calm myself.
"Akira......it's late!" A cheery voice calls, allowing me to recognise that voice anywhere.
Turning around I begin to unravel the binds around my knuckles, seeing her reach me.
"Hanji.........what are you doing up at this hour?"
She scoffs.
"Well after my meeting with Commander Erwin, I wanted to speak with you so...." She trails off, while tilting their thick rimmed glasses. "......I wanted to make sure if anything was okay, or more so.....are you alright?"
Slightly taken back by how observant they were, I finally gather my fist bindings that stained with fresh blood.
"I'm alright, never felt better after a workout," I comment, my eyes training across the dirty in front of me.
The torches around the training area flickers around, allowing a orange warmth surrounding the place. The cool breeze blows gently, allowing my body to cool down after an intense workout. But seeing the crazy scientist gave me some sense of calmness, allowing myself to settle with someone who isn't really an aggressive person when it comes to lives being lost or worse.
"You sure, that kick looked personal just before," they point out, while I avert my gaze from her's.
"Just need some relief," I simply say, walking over to pick up my uniform jacket. "Things have been tight with food and rations lately, and with the extra people within Trost has been leaving many complaints by the citizens."
"I see........and Erwin is still picking on you, am I correct?"
Refusing to glance their way, she could easily pick up teh real situation.
"You know.......he sees something we don't," they remind me. "I mean.....he's gifted with strategy, you're gifted with ODM and self-defense.....Miche is strong, I have the brains and curiosity to seek out the mysterious backstories of titans and Levi is the same case as you! We all play a part, we just need to learn to work together."
What she's saying is quite true, but my bond with Erwin was rather ragged........
"I know where you're coming from, Erwin clearly deserves the title 'Commander,' and such," I began, while my fingers untie my hair letting it loose. "But i want him to see my efforts as something to be acknowledged, is that selfish?"
They softly smile, "It's not, it's all we lack in our lives,"
Soon it was getting rather late, knowing I should be heading back to the barracks. Yet Hanji decided to walk me there, wanting to discuss a few things about the upcoming mission to retake Maira. Hanji was someone I could easily speak to, unless you have to listen to their rants about titans and her wondrous mind.
Turning the corner to the barracks, I was taken back seeing him standing outside the door of the girls barracks building.
"Renji......"
Hanji seemed to get the impression from my voice, deciding to take her leave quietly. Once she was out of earshot, my feet quietly walked over to him tapping his shoulder. He slightly jumps, causing him almost to yelp only to recognise me.
"D-Don't.....Don't scare me like that," he scolds quietly, eyes darting around like he wasn't supposed to be here.
"What are you doing here?"
He scratches the back of his neck, afraid to answer the question.
"I-I...........just....nevermind," he walks past, brushing my shoulder while doing so. He quickly tries to walk away, making me watch his back.
"Renji!" I sternly call out, making him pause in his steps.
Silence fills the barracks, only earring the crickets and the wind howling in the distance. The sounds of window covers creaking, along with howls within the woods.
He slowly turns around, eyes hesitantly trailing up to lock eyes with my own.
"I'm......sorry....for my actions," he apologises, sincereness lacing his tone. "It's not your fault, you tried.....didn't you?"
It's been months since he's finally apologised, but I knew time will take it's course.
"It's fine, but......please Renji.....don't leave me?" I plead softly, hating the thought of him leaving me. Being my only family left, I couldn't risk losing him too. I've been too protective of him, but that's my natural instincts. Not wanting to make the same mistake I did, and allowed myself to grovel in depression. I shouldn't be this sad, in pain, feeling sorry for myself. It was pathetic.
He gives me a half hearted smile, "I can't promise you, but I will try,"
Those few words were enough to put me at ease, seeing his back turn to me leaving the area. Standing there I felt a weight be placed upon me once again, holding the fate of humanity and my brother. Clicking open the barracks doors, I was greeted with a warm glow within my room. Lena was up and half awake I suppose, but she was busy writing something at her desk.
She soon recognises my sudden appearance, before graceful smile appears revealing more of her freckles dusting her cheeks. The orange glow reflects within her brown orbs, allowing to show a tenderness behind her.
"Akira......you're back, I'm relieved," She breathes out, while placing her pen down.
Softly smiling I throw my jacket over a post, while slipping off my boots while palm leans against the wall for balance. Almost losing my balance, i finally align my boots against the wall heading over to my bunk. Sinking into the soft mattress, a heavy sigh leaves my lips in exhaustion.
"Looks like someone had a big day, anything I should know about?" she asks me, knowing that she's willing to listen. However my mind was too cloudy to explain Erwin's ordeals and our argument, only wanting peace for a moment.
"You have no idea," a breathy chuckle leaves my lips, gazing up to find a speck on the bottom of the top bunk.
"Anything I can help with, or...?"
Shaking my head, I roll to my side facing her.
"It's fine, just the usual conversation about retaking Wall Maria," I reply softly, wondering how we're going to do it. Every time we set foot in titan territory, it was a nightmare. Countless lives already taken, and many more awaited death within a week.
"I see........" she hums softly, before sitting cross-legged upon her seat. She clutches her feet in a childish manner, "How about we play a game, hmm?"
Raises my chin to meet her playful gaze, I smirk.
"Sure, why not? What game shall we play?"
She whips out a deck of cards from her pocket, holding three cards between her index and middle fingers.
A sly smile creeps upon my face, knowing a love a good challenge.
"Double Solitaire or Die Farbenelf?" She suggests, splaying the cards apart in her hands.
"Hmmm, Die Farbenelf,"
*************
"Dammit, you keep winning!" She whines, while I laugh out loud. The pits of my stomach was tight and sore with our battle against our cards, soon switching to Double solitaire after original game. Light tears roll at the corners of my eyes, as our room was echoing with laughter.
"Guess I've got a good IQ," I joke, while laying out three cards adding onto the build of numbers in order.
She huffs, her cheeks red and puffed out.
She slams down two cards that she could place down, before it was my turn. The atmosphere was lighter, but I was grateful for Lena. She always knew what was going on in my head, so she would always have a solution to distract me. It worked. I wishing that we will become fine soldiers together, finding her like a best friend to me with a four years difference.
"Alright, I guess it's time to hit the hay," She yawns, stretching her aching limbs. "It must be at least three in the morning, anything important this morning?"
Shaking my head, I rub my tired eyes.
"No.........just preparing for the end of the week, unless someone requests my presence I will probably either sleep or train," I reply honestly, while stacking the cards back together.
"Initially weren't you going to get a high rank?" She asks, making me pauses stacking. The silence gave off the disappointment that i felt, my eyes drift up to meet with hers.
"It doesn't matter, my actions are true," I reply. "I will not deny my arguments with Erwin.....I will just do my duty..."
She falls silent, while I place the cards upon her desk.
"But thank you........for playing with me, I needed to lighten up a bit," I ruffle my hair, while slipping off my uniform. Back to back we face, I throw on a large loose shirt over me that hugged my curves reaching my thighs. Slipping on shorts, I slide into bed allowing her to blow the candle light.
She soon does so, hearing the sheets ruffling before everything falls silent. For a few seconds of staring into the darkness, I hear her roll over probably facing my way.
"Akira.......?"
"Hmmm?"
She shuffles a little, ".........ever since I joined your squad, you have always inspired me," She admits shyly.
My eyes adjust to the darkness of the room, while feeling warmth in my chest. Her words gave me more encouragement, enough to get by.
"You've had a kind heart to every soldier here, you've trained so many too," She continues. "You've placed so much burdens upon you, yet you still stand and fight........I want to be like that.....but I prefer to dodge the problem.....then face it."
"Lena I.....I don't want you to go through the pain, that I've endured," I say softly. "You've got parents in Wall Rose.....in Karanes District, who love you so much. Focus on fighting for them, learn to value your love for them too......that's the most important part."
"Akira......."
Rolling to my side while snuggling into my pillow, I flutter my eyes closed with a heavy sigh.
"Time for rest.........probably another chaotic day tomorrow,"
"Right........night, Akira,"
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