~ Hurts So Good ~ Astrid S
*
(THIRD POV:)
Soon after a few hours since the walls were breached, the citizens made it safely to Trost District. With the sudden breach, it clashed against the famine that's been going around in Wall Rose. Many people were already agitated, but with more people adding to the population within the district, it sent many people mad and incensed.
With the rest of the remaining Garrison soldiers, Hannes had taken Akira to the main Garrison headquarters to get her properly aided. With her condition, she used everything she had. When people saw her in her condition while entering Trost, everyone grew grim in response.
"She's been out for a few hours," the blonde comments, sitting against a crate with cigarette propped between his lips.
The nurse sends him a scolding glance, before swiping the cigar stamping it to the ground.
"Don't smoke while within a room, she's finding it difficult to breath at it is," She chastises, her soft blue eyes glare upon the soldier. Turning back upon the raven haired woman, she reaches over replacing a rag over her forehead.
Hannes watches how concerned the nurse was, before scratching his head in frustration.
"She actually came back from a expedition not long before the breach," he informs her. "Yet......this one is stubborn......."
The woman gravely sighs in response, "She acts like she isn't human,"
Hannes furrows his eyebrows, "You act like you know her.....may I ask?"
The woman softly smiles, "I was in the 101st cadet corps, couldn't find my talent in fighting so....." she wipes her hands against her apron. "......I volunteered to become a nurse, aid my services to the medical wing within Trost which I'm from.....yet she encouraged me to follow, what I found was right for myself."
Hannes was greatly impressed, which he is always to people who were 'special' which he would quote.
The woman turns to the soldier who sat up, running his hands over his rugged and dirty face. "So......how do you know her? Or was it your duty to aid her quickly?"
Hannes smirks, "I've known her since she was a youngster, she was such a bright child,"
Chuckling at the small moments, he reminisces.
She soon walks over to the window hearing the large commotion, with the people of Shiganshina being fed. Sighing heavily she wished she understood what they were going through, because all she can see now was now more people to tend too and more work to do. Things haven't been great within Trost, especially with the shortage of food.
"So when will she be able to head back to the Survey Corps HQ?"
Her eyes linger a little longer through the window pane, "I don't know for sure, but.........with how she's going......at least two days of rest,"
"What? She needs to go back to HQ!"
She nods knowing he's right, but in her condition she didn't recommend moving her.
"Ngh......."
A soft groan leaves the soldier's lip, earning both Hannes and the nurse's attention to snap in the direction the sound was coming from. Her cyan eyes flutter open, with a painful expression creasing her forehead for a moment.
"A-Akira....."
The young girl turns her head slowly adjusting to the bright light around, with many questions flooding her mind. Trying to recall what had just happened, she soon remembers before shooting up from the mattress. Pain shoots through her body, causing her to cower slightly in pain.
The nurse quickly aids her side, pressing her hand gently against her upper back.
"Easy.......easy please? You need some time to recover," She urges the soldier, but Akira shook her head.
"I-I.....I need to.......find.......find...." her voice hoarse, and fumbling over what she was trying to grasp for. Soon realising the sudden events that occured, her stomach sank in response. Her heart felt like it was slowing down in response, trying her best not to shed a tear.
"Easy........you went through hell back there," Hannes hushes her gently, standing up he knelt before the soldier. Akira's eyes soon met his, "You fell asleep in exhaustion, and you took quite a few hits......so please, just rest?"
Slowly shaking her head, her breath soon quickens.
"N-no......no I can't, I-I need......I need to find them......" She chokes on a few sobs, that soon starts to grow visible with tears. She throws the blanket off herself, swinging her legs to the side she took her first step. Only to have her knees buckle beneath herself, collapsing to the ground.
"Ms Akira, please?" the Nurse pleads, about to help her up.
Akira didn't want to believe what she saw hours ago was their fate, she couldn't comprehend how she felt. The sudden traumatic scene that unfolded before her, was enough to break her soul in half. Sobs soon start to leave her lips, finding it hard to breath. Pushing herself up she slams into the ground again, grunting in pain connecting to the ground harshly.
"goddammit!!!!!" She cries, slamming her fists against the stone wall.
Blood rolls down her knuckles, causing both Hannes and the nurse to look upon the soldier. They weren't sure whether for her to continue going further, knock her out and let herself heal, or just allow herself to have a moment to let it all out. Yet Akira didn't let the tears flow, pushing herself slowly. Leaning against the wall for support, she clears her throat while the stinging sensation lingers across her bloodied knuckles.
"Can someone organise a horse for me, please?"
Hannes eyes shot wide open, "What? No, you're not fit enough to travel yourself!"
Akira's eyes narrow upon the male, pursing her lips tightly.
The look she exchanged him was dangerous, yet behind those eyes she was a broken girl who wanted nothing more than to return home. "I must report to the Commander,"
That's all she said, before turning to the door.
Hannes gazed upon this woman, stunned and speechless with how she's able to keep moving without much rest. He sometimes wondered what he family was, but he never questioned to save his own reputation.
"Alright, we will arrange a horse......but you need someone to accompany you,"
The soldier shook her head, "I will be alright, it's only about a days ride there anyway,"
Assuring the two, who stood completely aggrieved.
"Would you like fresh clothes?" the nurse offers timidly, afraid she would make things worse if she asked for sternly.
Shaking her head, her eyes drift down half-lidded.
"I can get by on my own, thank you.......for helping me,"
Her chest felt heavier than before, like someone was squeezing her own heart til she can't breath. She didn't want to bother anyone, nor want to grieve in front of everyone either. She was stuck, and helpless even.
Grabbing her boots on the side she slowly slips them back on, grimacing in pain from her heavy wounds. Tapping the tip of her boots, she soon gives them one more glance before opening the wooden door walking away from the room. The door closes more gently than expect, recognising her surroundings.
Hannes sighs heavily, "Dammit.....I apologise for how assertive and cold she is--"
She shook her head.
"It's fine.....whatever happened left her a little shaken up, so we will allow her to get to HQ,"
Hannes knew she was right, he knew very well that Akira was the type to not show weakness. To take time alone if need be, especially what happened.
"It's almost night, should she really be travelling at--"
"Hannes?" She warns him, causing him to flinch from her stern tone.
"R-Right......." clearing his throat, he begins to head out the door. "....I'll go get a horse for her."
Her gentle sky blue eyes shows a warmth, before waving goodbye to the garrison soldier.
*****
"There ya go, I'm sorry your horse was killed during the attack," Hannes apologises, but Akira doesn't say anything.
He soon adjusts the straps, before patting the grey horse gently against it's neck.
"Alright, well please be careful, will ya?"
Akira hoists herself upon the horse with the stirrups, before glancing down before the man, "I will, please don't concern yourself with me?"
He chuckles, "Can't a soldier be concerned for a comrade?"
Taken back by his words, she clears her throat.
"Thanks again, don't know when I will see you next but you stay safe too," she warns him lightly, before clicking her tongue softly. Pulling on the reigns gently, "Keep an eye out for Eren, Mikasa and Armin......will you?"
He chuckles, "I'll try, but I still have my duties,"
Nodding she finally departs the main Garrison HQ in Trost, before heading off.
*
A DAY LATER - SURVEY CORPS HQ - (AKIRA'S POV)
***************************
Finally arriving HQ by sunrise, I see the castle not far. Flicking my reigns I rode faster down, before entering the front gates. Slowing down I notice the soldier's doing their usual routines, while I slowly guide my horse to the stables.
"Huh? Is that Akira?"
"She's back!!!"
Jumping down from my horse I almost lose my balance, with how weak my body still is. Gripping the reigns to steady myself, I recollect myself blowing a strand of hand from my face.
"Come on girl," I coo gently, feeling my eyes grow drowsy.
Rubbing them I press forward into the stables, finding my former horses pen. Taking her inside there, I tie her up shutting her behind the gates. She grunts a little, while I bend down grabbing a large bucket of water. Struggling to lift it up to her, my arms start to shake in response.
"Here,"
Soon hands took the bucket and helped give it to the horse, making me see Miche towering over me. Blinking a few times tiredly, I step away giving him more room.
"T-Thanks....."
My voice barely a whisper.
"No problem.......I'm glad you're back," he breathes out, while the horse quietly chugs the fresh water down. "We heard word what happened, I was only told just now you were in Shiganshina.........what happened?"
Soon flashes of the traumatic events repeat in my mind, making my eyes slightly.
"Hey......Hey Akira, Akira!"
Shaking my head snapping myself out of my own thoughts, I clear my throat adjusting my jacket. "Yeah, I-I need.....I need to report in to the Commander,"
"About that........it seems Shadis will be shifting his position to someone else," he informs me, as my eyes widen.
"What? Why?"
He shrugs his shoulders, "Don't know......I apologise not having further info, but Erwin Smith is our new Commander,"
"E-Erwin? Well....." trailing off, I slowly understood why. I mean it was kinda obvious, especially having his own unique, tactical abilities. "......that's not a surprise, actually."
"Shadis has resigned, and decided to train the cadets instead," he adds, assuring me he's still doing something.
Nodding slowly I turn on my heel, making my way through the main entrance outside with the well in the centre. I felt all gazes upon me, but my eyes harden remaining forward. Renji, I'm so sorry.....I'm sorry........
Walking through the wooden door, my boots clamp down the stone hallway. Every step felt heavier, the weight holding me against the ground. My hands were slightly shaking, turning the corner to find the office not far. Finally standing before the two large wooden doors, I inhale with a shudder.
**Knock*Knock**
"State name and business!!!"
Saluting sharply with my right hand firmly tightened to a fist, I rest against my left breast.
"Akira Yamasaki, reporting in for former Commander Shadis!"
Silence sinks through, allowing me to gather what little strength I had in my mental state of mind.
"You may enter,"
My hand soon drifts to the knobs twisting them, I push the creaking doors seeing him sitting at the chair where Commander Shadis once sat. His eyes trained upon a few papers, when I notice Commander...I mean Keith Shadis standing beside Erwin.
Soon their eyes meet my hazy ones, feeling rather heated in the face.
"Captain Akira, I'm so glad for you safe re--" Shadis began, but pauses noticing my tainted body. Blood staining my uniform, my hair tattered and messy along with a bandaged wrapped around my forehead loosely.
Placing a tough facade, I salute him.
"Shiganshina fell.......walls were breached," I inform him, getting straight to the point.
They both knew what had happened, but I needed to reword the terrible event that changed all of history. With what little we knew about titans, things were still unclear. How a titan was able to break through, allowing hell to creep back in.
"What has caused this breach, we know from the news but....." Erwin leans forward, elbows propped up on the desk with his fingertips resting against each other. His gaze was tense, with no other emotion but interest than concern.
Recollecting my memories that were hard enough to talk about, I begin to explain the dire situation that Shiganshina fell into great peril. Erwin listened, not shifting his emotions to concern. Yet he grew more curious on the situation, yet Shadi's gaze remains upon me.
"....so now everyone is within Wall Rose in Trost,"
"Right, thank you for the report," Erwin sharply replies, leaning back in his chair.
For some reason I felt disappointment that he held no regards, to my well being. I mean, he was always like this to me. Always saw me as a pawn, no one important.
"Akira.......did you see your family?" Shadis breaks the heavy silence, making me lift my gaze up to meet his own.
"..........."
How do you tell that you failed at your own mission?
Mustering the strength to hold my tears in, I swallow thickly while saluting both of them.
"I will be excused, please?"
Shadis hesitate to reach out, but Erwin remains nonchalant and unmoved at all.
"Yes you may," Erwin replies, waving me off.
With one side glance towards Keith I went to walk off, when I pause in my steps. Turning sharply on my heel I salute Erwin, "Congratulations in becoming our new Commander,"
Trying to show my respect to the man, who showed no respect to me.
All the blonde did was nod, before I turn around pushing the doors open heading down to take a shower. The constant overwhelming feeling was weighing me down, guilty for their deaths. My body, my mind was still in shock. Things weren't able to be comprehended, let alone uttered out.
**************
The heavy silence thickened around me, my chest tight and suffocating. Thinking the shower will help ease the tension, it didn't subside the thwarting pain within my heart. The water drifts down my bare body, the steam rising around creating more warmth.
My eyes lulled halfway, feeling mentally exhausted.
"H-How......do I tell him?" I mumble to my voice, only for my throat to crack.
Closing my eyes I finish washing myself, along with my long hair clinging against my back. Stepping out I dry myself, before slipping on my clothes. Adjusting my shirt, the material falls against my breasts comfortably. Lifting my towel, I ruffled my damp hair. Slowly making my way back to the barracks, I ignore the looks I was given while making my way there.
Little did I know, a certain man watches me from afar.
Clicking opening my door that creaks quietly in the lone room, my boots clamp against the wooden floors. Finally reaching over I hung my towel over a rack, before sitting down on my soft mattress. Lifting my jacket, something soon falls out clanking against the floor.
My eyes takes a glimpse down only to the pendant, before quickly picking it up.
My fingertips gingerly trail around the smaller details, remembering mother had given to me before I dove into work. It felt like she knew that I was never going to see her........daunting as it seems, this pendant is a keepsake.
Holding it to my chest, a lump forms in my throat before I swallow thickly. A stray tear lingers in the corner of my eye, before it rolls down.
Slowly rummage through my jacket, before pulling out a piece of paper.
Slowly unfolding the crinkled paper, dirt slightly smeared it reveals Mei's first drawing for me. My hands were slightly shaking, the paper rustling in my grasp. A few blotches of tears stains the thin paper, darkening the spots. I failed, I failed protecting her.
I promised her I would protect her, remembering every word I swore.
~ "Well, I acknowledge you with every fibre of my being," I smiled warmly, as her glassy eyes sparkled in response. "We may be apart, but remember we sleep under the same stars, we walk under the same sun........so, if you ever need me......you've got a big, strong sister that can protect you." ~
Hanging my head I choke on a small sob, feel my heart strings straining tightly.
*****************
After having some time to myself I try to mentally prepare myself, knowing Renji must've been worried about my absence. Taking in deep breaths I know he wasn't going to take the news well, as I'm the only one knowing their deaths. Walking down the corridor to the training area, where I was informed he would be.
Soldier's walk around minding their own business, while I walk through the main plaza heading past the gates. Finally reaching the area, I see Lena being slammed to the ground after a sparring match. Cheers and clapping was heard, when their attention shifts upon me.
"I-It's Captain Akira....."
"She's okay!"
Renji on the other lends Lena a hand, before noticing my presence. His eyes slowly widen, before rushing up towards me throwing his arms around me. His towering body cages me, but in a comforting and endearing hug.
"I'm so glad you're alright," he whispers, his mouth muffled in my shoulder.
My lips pursed into a thin line, I felt my chest tightening.
"........"
He pulls away only to see a different look flicker behind my eyes, "Hey.......is everything alright?"
Trying to maintain my breathing, my breath grew more shaky.
Can I do it? I must tell him, because either way......he will not see them again......
"Akira........what's going on? You don't look like yourself," He questions, more concern lacing his deep tone.
Lena appears beside him, "Probably because she had to face many titans alone, in the face of death," She points out, making Renji in understandment. Her auburn eyes flicker to my own, "So........is everyone alright?"
Silently I usher them to follow me somewhere more privately, allowing Lena to follow. Once we were out of earshot, Renji was looking rather confused and anxious even. Lena was looked more concerned with the silence I've given them, while I take a deep breath.
"Renji......I......" a lump forms in my throat, realising how difficult it was to even tell him.
"Big sis, you're actually worrying me," he admits, as my eyes gaze up to his cyan eyes.
My lungs were being suffocated, with the heavy feeling in my chest.
"R-Renji........we can....no longer....." my voice was breaking, licking my dry lips for a moment. "......see home.....anymore."
He blinks for a moment, unsure what I meant.
"What do you mean, it was destroyed wasn't it?" he questions, assuming the invasion. "I mean titans came in, so we can see our family in Trost when we can."
Shaking my head, anxiety was building up.
"N-No......I don't mean by that," I choke out, as my eyes kept avoiding his gaze for a moment. Finally gathering the courage I meet his eyes, tears threatening to spill. "They're gone...........Renji.........they're all gone."
It took him a few moments to let it sink into his mind, while Lena's eyes widen in horror.
"Our house was crushed by the wall stone, f-father.....crushed instantly.......mother sh--"
"Hold on......you're telling me, they're gone?" he asks me, as I nod.
"Y-Yes,"
He soon towers over me, "And you.......didn't save them?"
"I--"
"No! You don't come here and tell me they're all gone, if you're humanity's strongest soldier!" he snaps, anger slowly rising. "You can annihilate so many titans, and yet you didn't save them? What about Mei, huh? How did she die?!"
The fury within his eyes were set ablaze, as I try to stand my ground.
"S-She was eaten before me,"
His eyes widen in horror feeling him slam me into the stone wall, "You could've saved her! You could've killed the titan in an instant, yet you did nothing!!!!"
"I TRIED!!!!!" I cried out, tears violently streaming down.
"That's no excuse, you could've saved Mei and mother at least!" He yells angrily, his voice shaky. "You could've taken those titans down, you could've prevented everything......if you weren't such a coward!!!!"
"Renji!" Lena snaps angrily, when I felt a stinging sensation lingers across my cheek.
My head hung low, my hair messily covering my eyes.
"You're right Renji.......I guess I'm strong enough as every makes me out to be," I quietly spoke, my voice quavering. "But......you didn't see what I've seen........how much I had to fight, the colossal titan that towered over the walls for the first time."
"What?" he questions.
"Mother was crushed beneath the rock......she was dying already, I tried but her lower half was already crushed,"
"What are yo--?"
Tears continuously runs down my redden cheeks, "So much was going on, I wasn't there when Mei was captured and devoured,"
"Akira...I,"
"Go ahead, scream if you need to.......shout, punch me......let your anger out," I assure him firmly. "I deserve it after not fighting back, but yet I tried my hardest. I TRIED, OKAY?!"
My eyes met his eyes, my voice raises with anguish straining my voice.
"Akira......."
Turning on my heel I left him with Lena, allowing him to take the news quietly. Covering my mouth to hold back my sobs, I squeeze my eyes tightly feeling pathetic as a soldier.
Someone please, please help me?
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